I Don't Speak Spanish You Stupid Mexican (1631 hits)
Category: PoliticsRating: 1.78 on 48 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2008-08-11 21:15:25 EDT
Let me get this out of the way, I'm not Mexican. (Not that it matters to you. It's all the same until you hit Antarctica, right?) I look like half of the people in LA and sound like the other half. (Not like a valley girl or pretentious douche, just white.) People look at me and assume I habla the Spanish because they ask me questions and look at me with disdain when I raise my eyebrow and ask them to put their English speaking tongue in. You see, I can't speak a word of Spanish. I can't even fake an accent. Whenever I do it ends up sounding like a cross between angry Chinese and Russian. (Do you think the Chinese make fun of white people by opening their eyes real wide with their fingers and saying "I'ma soooo fata. Me a Amelican?")
Not being able to speak Spanish has only hindered me a couple times in my life, including when a girl I was fucking didn't tell me about her boyfriend who came in the middle of mashing our short and curlies and promptly started chasing me with a tee ball bat. I couldn't tell if he wanted to kill me or if he just wanted to take me to the batting cages to help him level out his swing, but running away seemed like the right thing to do in either case.
The most confused I have ever been (outside of watching The Prophesy II) was when I was fourteen and at a bus stop with my bike. I had ridden quite a ways to the movie theater to catch a flick during the long and hot LA summer with a friend who was meeting me there. When the movie was over I decided that I didn't want to ride home and that I would use the leftover change to catch the bus. You could take your bike on the bus as long as there wasn't a bunch of people already on, which you can't do nowadays because people are afraid that you are a terrorist or that you stole it and are going to snap the fingers of elderly people in the spokes.
I was minding my own business rolling back and forth on my bike when I heard a voice say something in Spanish. When I looked over there was a kid, maybe seventeen or eighteen, waiting for me to respond. I just looked at him and shrugged my shoulders. Apparently that was not the response he was looking for and he shoved me off my bike and threw it in the street. He started yelling at me like a maniac and waving his arms and contorting his fingers into weird shapes that I assumed were either meant to intimidate me or he just had cerebral palsy. Not sticking around to inquire as to which it was I bolted for my friend Rio's apartment that I had just seen the movie with. (Rio isn't his real name but it stuck after the story he had told our group of friends after being the first one to get a blow job. According to him his girlfriend's sister had a Cosmo magazine that told what guys "really want," which entailed a finger up the ass during a good round of drain the fish tank. When questioned about his reaction to such a perverse invasion he said all he could do was "Ride it out," hence RIO.)
My luck did not get any better when I arrived at the building because I pounded on the door of the apartment to no avail. Rio had probably had his button hole penetrated before heading home. I heard more Spanish yelling and I looked for quick escape. There was an old style garbage chute but I remembered that I wasn't in some bad Corey Feldman movie. (Lets face it, Lost Boys II is just crap to get rid of the overwhelming CD surplus facing our nation.) I ran down to the end of the hall and jumped down the stairs all the way to the laundry room. When I pushed open the door I must have startled the old Korean lady folding her laundry on the back table because she started screaming at me about some ancient Chinese secret to get saki out of a silk tie. I told her if she didn't shut I that I'd tell the lady on the first floor what was really happening to her cats and ducked behind a dryer.
Moments later I heard the door to the laundry room open and the Mexican that had been hot on my ass like a burning itch stepped in. To this day I am absolutely sure that the Korean lady did me wrong and pointed out where I was. I wish I could have karate chopped that snitching stereotype right across her pet scarfing face. The Mexican came over and started berating me while I was still crouched behind the dryer. I shouted at him that I didn't understand what he was saying and that only seemed to make him incensed.
Finally Rio came in with an armful of no doubt shit stained underwear. (Really, how much shit can you miss from wiping your ass? Do you just get tired and say fuck it even though you have some tint left on your paper? How do blind people know when they are done wiping? Do they have a pre-set number of swipes or do they just keep going until their hole gets sore? These feel like things I need to know.) At any rate, Rio asked what was going on and the hell was going on while the Korean lady continued to recite her recipe for fried rat wontons. The Mexican was talking very fast at Rio who actually understood Spanish and Rio started laughing hysterically. Apparently the Mexican thought I was disrespecting him by not speaking Spanish and was infuriated because he thought I was pretending not to know any. After Rio explained to him that I wasn't pretending and that I didn't know Spanish the Mexican gave me the look of disgust that I have since made my own and walked away, leaving me not unlike a Bond martini, shaken and without a bike.
I guess I could live up to my own stereotype and steal one from a white kid.
User Reviews
Submitted by peppermintpete (user info) at 2008-10-22 17:23:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2008-08-30 14:01:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2008-08-19 09:17:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha... pet scarfing face. I'll remember that, Donk.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-08-18 07:24:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're a mexican
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2008-08-18 07:07:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why did you have to use thepicture of my Grandma's yard? See if we ever let you swim in one of our above ground pools again! I think I speak for all Germican people when I say "No Habla". I get a kick out of the guy I work with from Alabama who sounds like a surfer yet speaks fluent spanish. I go to him when I need a translation.
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2008-08-15 02:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMFG that picture's funnier than a drought in Egypt.
Submitted by kgbpasha (user info) at 2008-08-14 17:58:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Logically the title alone makes you the
stupid one.
But it was a good read no?
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-08-13 16:25:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for effort.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2008-08-12 20:09:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God, you're an asshole.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2008-08-12 18:50:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-08-12 16:58:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
METALBEAST. Please let your user name be from Project Metalbeast: DNA Overload. Please.
Submitted by metalbeast7 (user info) at 2008-08-12 16:07:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
there is a camouflaged black guy on top of those stairs.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-08-12 14:20:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-08-12 13:40:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
marque el numero dos por espanol.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-08-12 13:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-08-12 13:27:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like how even now this has more reviews. Well played.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-08-12 13:17:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Reasonable stuff
Submitted by EJ (user info) at 2008-08-12 13:09:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-08-12 12:23:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W. Please.
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-08-12 12:22:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How do blind people know when they are done wiping? Do they have a pre-set number of swipes or do they just keep going until their hole gets sore? These feel like things I need to know.)
--------------------------
I wonder about these things also. I don't think normal people do.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2008-08-12 10:57:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-08-12 10:31:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-08-12 10:02:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-08-12 09:46:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This should be on B@W.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-08-12 09:27:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bueno.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-08-12 09:27:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
stop looking so mexican?
im white as a sheet. i get swede's talking to me all the time.
but they are polite.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-08-12 08:49:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.thisisbristol.co.uk/news/
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-08-12 08:44:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-08-12 08:17:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent!
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-08-12 07:33:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just last night I canceled a knitting request from AlwaysAnEagle for a Captain America sweater. Donkey pointed out that with my complexion, people would think it was a Puerto Rican flag.
It's like, seriously people, I only took Spanish in high school. I'm Halfrican, not Mexican. Cut the shit.
Submitted by bullslinebacker (user info) at 2008-08-12 04:07:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great Post!
Stoopid Mexicans....
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2008-08-12 02:19:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Judgement (user info) at 2008-08-12 02:17:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-08-12 01:42:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hola
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-08-12 01:15:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This was long and tedious but better than 95% of the posts on this site.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-08-12 01:11:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto yoink +2
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-08-12 00:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-08-11 23:04:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Enough great lines in here for ten posts.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-08-12 00:13:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's an excellent picture, actually, as I examine it more closely. Is it your neighborhood? Is that lady across the way your neighbor? It looks like Washington or Oregon to me with those trees and that style of house. Although the sky looks awfully clear.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-08-12 00:04:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story. Great picture, too. Nice job.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2008-08-11 23:43:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well played to you both. Sphagnum is a bit slow on the uptake sometimes.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-08-11 23:04:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One day all our little brown people will learn to speak the language.
Enough great lines in here for ten posts.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-08-11 21:56:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dirty mexican
Submitted by MouthSore (user info) at 2008-08-11 21:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This was well above average for its genre and completely unpredictable, btw!
Submitted by MouthSore (user info) at 2008-08-11 21:47:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You gays are gonna catch something.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2008-08-11 21:46:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A good way to start a Tuesday after one of the worst Mondays ever.
Good show, Pablo.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-08-11 21:33:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2008-08-11 21:23:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-08-11 21:18:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Am I really like this? Man, what an asshole.