A little pleasure or a lot of pain? (340 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1.91 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Bullslinebacker (View user info) at 2008-08-13 05:44:31 EDT
I love to fart...
It is one of the most important things in my life. Nothing brings a smile to my face faster than an awesome fart!
This can cause some unfortunate problems with my significant other. I mean how do you introduce this particular joy at the start of a relationship? You know, in the stage of a relationship where you are doing nothing more than lying to the other person enough about yourself that they will you let you put your finger in them.
I tried to introduce it slowly, perhaps sneaking a little squeaker in, covered up by a well timed cough. This was fraught with danger. Sitting on the sofa watching a movie in one of those horribly uncomfortable embraces only reserved for new couples (I thought I would have to call the fire brigade to untangle us at times), trying to blow out a little methane joy was difficult but achievable. The key is corn hole control. With a little practice you can control the pitch/tone/length and volume (auditory) of your flatulence.
After a while I started omitting the cough but emphasising the aforementioned corn hole control. This drew some comments from the fair maiden, but dammit I was committed! I kept them small and discreet saving the real good ones for the privacy of my bathroom (this did not go down well with me but I was trying to get laid so sacrifices must be made)
It had now got to the point (after months of effort) where a well-timed audible fart actually drew a smile from my girlfriend (at this point we were 'going steady'). The change in relationship status developed its own issues. The biggest of which was 'Is it cool to fart in bed?' This is an issue that has been the make or break point for couples for a long time. As a true believer in the farting cause I had to continue!
Again I started off slowly but she was very accommodating and allowed it without any fuss... I guess she had just got used to my ass explosions around the house. I was a very happy and content man! I mean life was great, I was getting regular sex and could fart when and where I wanted!
Then the mistake...
Having grown confident about my gas expulsion (I was regularly performing 5-6 second monsters while watching t.v. with her) I made a fatal error. Having been out drinking with the boys I came home rather intoxicated with the sole purpose of being on the receiving end of a blowjob.
Having woken my girlfriend up with a killer move I like to call 'Sleepytime potato sack' (this basically involves me getting naked and straddling my girlfriends head, resting my nuts on her forehead until she wakes up) - like I said, killer move!, she reluctantly agreed to bear my face children.
Brimming with drunken confidence I lay back and waited. God it was good! In my drunken mindset I thought that now would be an opportune moment to exercise possibly the greatest move known to man. I held my breath and squeezed. I guess she though I was about to cum because she really started going to town on my knob. Ha! What a fool! The resulting gas explosion from my anus was comparable to a small Guinness powered nuclear device going off in my girlfriend's face. She was shocked (understandably) and as I was killing myself laughing (I mean there were tears rolling down my cheeks) I failed to notice that her right hand had formed a fist and was quickly gathering momentum.
The resulting contact with my cheek caused massive swelling and some dodgy explanations to work colleagues about getting beat up on the way home from the pub. After much grovelling and flower/chocolate purchases I was allowed to return to the bedroom (having spent nearly two weeks sleeping on the sofa). The bruise has now gone but the mental scarring remains.... I have yet to fart in bed since that incident.
I just farted. But its cool, I'm in work.
User Reviews
Submitted by bullslinebacker (user info) at 2008-08-13 08:24:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fucking hell, a guy tries to write something other than:
1. My dad beat me when i was a kid and look at me now, i'm all fucked up
2. I have a cat/dog/chicken/donkey, here is a badly sized photo of it
3. I hate this and that and this and that
4. America/England/France is shit
5. I was a childhood fattie and now i have diabeties and no friends
Etc, Etc, Etc
And all i get is slandered.
This is awesome.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-08-13 07:18:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by bullslinebacker (user info) at 2008-08-13 07:06:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-08-13 06:07:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Critique?
The subject matter is juvenile, unoriginal and reeks of ennui.
The language is overly-contrived, mealy-mouthed and lacks guile.
This 'girlfriend' of yours is either completely fictional, a vulnerable outcast, or a filthy deviant.
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The subject matter is supposed to be juvenile - the subject of the post is farting.
The language is pitched just right for the subject matter
My girlfriend is neither fictional or vulnerable but yes she is a filthy deviant...this is why i am with her.
Submitted by StaticFish (user info) at 2008-08-13 07:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by bullslinebacker (user info) at 2008-08-13 07:03:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cabin_st
Wow, after seeing your single post( http://www.ubersite.com/m/42185 ) i have to admit i really admire your opinion.
Cock Merchant
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-08-13 06:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
See ya.
Submitted by CABIN_ST (user info) at 2008-08-13 06:09:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
OMG U R A FUKNG IDIOT DEI PLZ U CUNT
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-08-13 06:07:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Critique?
The subject matter is juvenile, unoriginal and reeks of ennui.
The language is overly-contrived, mealy-mouthed and lacks guile.
This 'girlfriend' of yours is either completely fictional, a vulnerable outcast, or a filthy deviant.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-08-13 06:07:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You just reek with quality. I can only imagine the classy hotty that is your girlfriend.
Submitted by supermarine (user info) at 2008-08-13 06:04:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
idiot
Submitted by bullslinebacker (user info) at 2008-08-13 06:02:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
LOL!!
Great critique!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-08-13 05:59:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
When you were young and your heart was like an open book,
You used to say 'live and let live.'
(You know you did, you know you did, you know you did)
But if this ever-changing world in which we live in
makes you give in and cry;
Say MINUS TWO, DIE,
MINUS TWO, DIE!
MINUS TWO, DIE!
MINUS TWO, DIE!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-08-13 05:57:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
well ok but it wont make any difference
Submitted by bullslinebacker (user info) at 2008-08-13 05:55:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Woo Hoo! -2 for 2
What a joy...keep 'em coming!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-08-13 05:48:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I read the whole thing, sadly.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-08-13 05:46:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I couldn't get past the first line