Hating My Dad-Color Between the Lines (1055 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.75 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2008-08-14 15:12:34 EDT
I have always been a pretty talented guy, generally speaking. Are your picnic baskets beginning to lose tensile strength? I know where Pottery Barn is. Need a sonnet? Kill yourself. Do you wish to convert to Judaism? You're pretty much on your own. Here is a fun exercise. Rearrange the letters in my user name to form the number one grossing movie of all time!
But like a black supermodel, coloring has always been my flaw. Black lines stretch and curve over sheets of white paper in their untainted glory and dare me to do something about them. I scratch and claw at society's rules with black and blue fisted glory. I am the Ike Turner of coloring.
However, my kindergarten teacher did not have the same appreciation for an idea well ahead of its time.
"How many candles have to die before you figure out how to color a clown? Stay within the lines."
I don't know, how many candles have to die before you figure out cats can see in the dark?
"I'm sorry, Mrs. Bjorgenson. It will never happen again."
"You're right, Tinny(my childhood nickname), it wont."
And despite all my mastery of other kindergarten tasks like gluing and putting toys away, there it was. Mrs. Bjorgenson was determined to wreck my day right then and there. She sat me down and wrote out a long letter to my parents, noting my steadfast refusal to observe the rules and my complete inability to properly use a Crayola. Then, to ensure that I wouldn't lose the letter, she said, she pinned it to the front of my shirt and made me wear it the entire day. That entire afternoon I was afraid to bow to my Asian classmates for fear of impaling myself.
Of course, this could only mean a crash course in humiliation. She directed all of the other children in the class to spit on me as a team-building exercise, at least according to Jeremy Bentham (shhh...don't say his real name). When life gives you throats, I suppose you make throat sauce. You know that boy with turrets syndrome who you don't want to have a fake shootout with because he claims to have shot everyone even though he wasn't even facing you when you dove behind that two-liter? Yeah, I was him. I had to turn my shirt around backwards and have pretend dogfights with the retarded kid who thinks he's Superman, just to have someone to play with.
Although she completely achieved her objective on the humiliation front, I was determined to avoid the beatdown at home that she was planning for me. I waited for school to end and went into the restroom. Just to make sure she hadn't planted any narcs, I went into a stall and quietly flushed the evidence. My plan was fucking genius. I walked out of the restroom with a clear shirt and conscience.
Until I opened the door and she was standing right in my face.
"Where is the note?"
"I must have...it must have fallen off while I was playing?"
"Uh-huh. Then where is the safety pin? Clearly, it could not have fallen off. It was a safety pin. A safety pin! I am going to write out an entirely new note. And this time, we will make sure it arrives intact, wont we?"
Yes we will, you waffle-headed cunt. While I walked home (I only lived a block away from the school), she slowly trailed me on the street in her hatchback, watching to make sure I never touched the paper on my shirt. She waited until I had actually entered my house before driving away.
I received a blistering the likes of which you've never seen outside of facial herpes outbreaks, and she received a hearty handshake and note of congratulations from my dad at the next PTA meeting. It was not until years later that I discovered that Mrs. Bjorgenson had been sleeping with my father, and she had orchestrated the entire note and follow me incident simply because she hated me and wanted to see if my mother was home. But the last laugh is on her, because while I do not claim my father gave her the clap, light switches tend to flicker on and off when she enters a room.
As for you, father, well, you're a scared coward. My style is impetuous, my mom is impregnable. I want to eat your children. I want to grind your bones to make my ashes, to fill my ashtrays to make people think I'm a smoker, so they reflect poorly upon you as a parent. You wouldn't last two minutes in my world, bitch. I'll fuck you till you love me, faggot.
If you don't like this post, turn off your station.
User Reviews
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-08-19 09:42:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-08-16 17:57:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I couldn't really follow this, but I'm sure it's probably my fault.
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Seconded.
-P
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-08-16 17:57:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I couldn't really follow this, but I'm sure it's probably my fault.
Submitted by metalbeast7 (user info) at 2008-08-16 17:44:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2008-08-15 16:26:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oooh, teacher-on-dad action is a recipe for resentment.
I fully intend to read all your latest posts. Consider this one done and the rest to follow shortly.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-08-15 14:01:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Withdrawn.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-08-15 13:59:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-08-15 13:52:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I apologize. There is actually only one "n" in Tinactin. It appears that there might be two because of the way I type my "i".
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-08-15 08:22:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anagrams for "Tinactin":
Antic Nit
Attic Inn
Can I Tint
Tit In Can
Titanic-n
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-08-15 08:04:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I hate i_can_get_you_a_toe.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-08-15 06:28:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great, smashing, super.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-08-15 05:33:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-08-15 02:28:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But like a black supermodel, coloring has always been my flaw.
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Not often do I have to +2 before I get 1/10 of the way through a post.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-08-15 02:22:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-08-15 00:44:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2008-08-15 00:35:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
"turrets syndrome"
Your genius is unparalelled. I think I love you.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2008-08-14 20:34:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh...and to answer your question on the asshole/homosexuality issue...both statement involve the rear end, so, you know...I'm down.
But not really.
Or maybe. But not.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2008-08-14 20:19:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 waffle headed cunt.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2008-08-14 20:19:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-08-14 19:48:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What kind of homo writes shit like this, I ask?
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2008-08-14 19:46:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-08-14 19:33:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
strange
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-08-14 18:10:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, it sounds like a Dateline special
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-08-14 18:09:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I had to deduct a point for that shitty title.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-08-14 18:05:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-08-14 17:40:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Harr!
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-08-14 17:25:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
5 fucking reviews? I knew this shitty title was going to bite me in the ass.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-08-14 16:47:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-08-14 16:04:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Gay (user info) at 2008-08-14 15:30:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was the first thing I've read fully on here in a while and what a pleasant surprise. I'll be sure to look out for your offerings when they arise.
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Oh dear me. You have a new fan. You'd better alert the Police, FBI, Secret service, CIA, KGB, and anyone else involved in security and intelligence anywhere in the world.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-08-14 16:02:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG HOW DO YOU HAVE 2 POSTS ON THE FRONT PAGE?
Submitted by Gay (user info) at 2008-08-14 15:30:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was the first thing I've read fully on here in a while and what a pleasant surprise. I'll be sure to look out for your offerings when they arise.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-08-14 15:13:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHA
That IS a good fucking picture.