Strippers Are a Damaged Breed of Women (1321 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.94 on 52 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Registered_S_O (View user info) at 2008-08-18 01:19:40 EDT
Or in my case, ex-strippers.
I deliver pizzas for a popular pizza franchise. I do this to help with my bills as I am college. One day during a shift, I had a delivery to a shitty strip club in the city I work in. This particular strip club is shittier then Renee Zelwiger's (sp? can't be arsed to look up her name) life, or so Maddox would tell me.
I get their and give a skinny crackhead wearing only a thong her food, and am given a nice cash tip by her. As I am stepping around puddles of splooge and the like, a girl touches my shouler.
I turn to see a girl I had known briefly from high school with a big smile on her face. I smile as well, attributing her immense sexiness to the dim lighting of the establishment.
She gives me her number and I vacate this strip club that smelt like the great depression and feet.
I call her the next day and we make a date for friday night.
Here is where I learn of how damaged a girl this is.
I arrive at her house on said night and she is in the process of changing. I inquire of her job and she tells me she is a waitress. I ask if she had ever been a stripper and she vehemently tells me she would never do that; that she was a waitress.
We head out. Our first spot is a restaurant. It's here that I begin to learn about stripperkind.
She admits to me that she lied and she used to be a stripper beforte working as a waitress at the place I had saw her in. Right there I knew I was fucked because I would not try to sleep with her. It's one thing to put your tongue in a stripper's asshole when you are drunk and out partying with your friends. It's a completely different thing to be sober and actually courting one.
She goes on to tell me of previous boyfriends she had forced to sell drugs cause she "couldn't make the rent".
Here I am blown away. When I had first met her, she was nicknamed thunderthighs cause she was a fatass. I actually vaguely remember making a jingle about her that went "thunderthighs, thunderthighs, gonna make me sick. Get the fuck off me get the fuck off me before you make me sick."
Even though she was considerably thinner, actually attractive now, she was telling me things about her life I would never have imagined.
We leave the restaurant and it's about 45 minutes until the movie I planned for us to see (I make dates stick around for dinner and a movie. Cliche I know. If I like them, I take them the second time around to actual really fun shit in providence ri or boston ma so fuck off.).
She asks if we could go back to her place to get some business cards that she had forgot to bring.
I say ok and on the ride ask about what those are. Apparently they are cards for free admission to the strip club. This way guys will come and see her and she can make more money waitressing or giving 'backrubs'. Fuck me I'm a total putz for being out in public with this girl.
I'm parked in front of her house and waiting for her to get her shit. I don't have the balls to drive away. I figure a bj at the end of the night will make up for this huge joke of a date.
She gets her fucking cards and proceeds to have me stop at three different bars so she can pimp herself out.
We get to the theatres and this whore actually stops an older gentleman with popcorn and offers a card to him. He asks why she is doing this and how it's inappropriate. I just kept walking. I have never been so embarrassed in all my life. I turn back and he looks at me as if I was the biggest tool in all my life.
We proceed to our theatre and enjoy the movie Hancock, which is ironic because my hand in my cock was ALL I wanted for the night.
The ride back home is scary as she. I had burnt her a mixed cd that she had asked me for. Reba Mcintyre comes on in my car. It's a song about being a stripper. In case anyone was curious, Ms. Reba used to be a stripper.
This girl starts screaming the lyrics, Then turns to me as we are on a bridge, "I USED TO HAVE TO STRIP TO PAY THE BILLS WHE MY MOM COULDN'T AFFORD IT. WE DIDN'T HAVE SHIT THAN I STARTED WORKIN' THERE AND WE HAD EVERYTHING. AIN'T NO MAN GONNA TALK DOWN TO ME."
I turned to her as I was driving on a bridge, thinking she was gonna yank the wheel and kills us both, and said pleadingly "please don't hurt me.".
I dropped her home and won't see her again. I ignored her calls for two weeks yet she still calls.
Strippers are a damaged breed.
User Reviews
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2008-08-28 17:49:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Nick's still in Freud's Anal phase.
to stay on theme, this post was still shit.
Submitted by nick44 (user info) at 2008-08-22 13:11:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Strippers are always scary. Here are some of the highlights of my last stripper experience.
* friends and I run into a group of strippers in a dark, dank bar.
* follow them to a cheap, depressing apartment
* realize just how nasty these girls look under light
* nasty strippers are all over us
* we are drunk and force ourselves to overlook the open sores on their faces
* I hear a lovely story about how this skank's boyfriend took a shit on her living room floor the night before after a fight
* I look up, my friends have departed along with two skanks
* One of the tools who apparently was a bouncer at this strip joint gets brave and lets me know that he does not appreciate the acts of depravity I am suggesting of the remaining skanks
* He takes a shit on the hood of my car
* The mood is now ruined so I leave
* Get back to my friends' house where some kind of business deal was made between a skank and my 300 pound friend. There seems to be a problem with payment for services.
* My friends' fiance comes home...she is not happy
* The skanks make some threats then leave
* minutes later I walk into the bathroom to see that one of the strippers shit on his bathroom rug
The End
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2008-08-21 09:50:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This should be up there with "I have to get home to put water in Buck Nasty's Momma's Disk" as one of the best hates of all time.
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Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2008-08-20 14:06:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you're damn lucky you even got
a stripper to go out with you.
normal women wouldn't go anywhere
with your monkey ass.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2008-08-20 14:06:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you're damn lucky you even got
a stripper to go out with you.
normal women wouldn't go anywhere
with your monkey ass.
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-08-20 10:20:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I liked the reviews better than my story.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-08-19 06:18:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by burtology (user info) at 2008-08-19 03:20:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
When was Reba a stripper?
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-08-18 23:04:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2008-08-18 18:47:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jeez, give her a break. She probably just assumed that, since you are a pizza boy, you are on the same social level.
Submitted by iambetteratit (user info) at 2008-08-18 20:17:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Never take a stripper on a date. they are only good for a quick fuck while wasted and wearing 2 condoms
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-08-18 19:38:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
perkman
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2008-08-18 18:56:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
you're pretty damaged yourself
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2008-08-18 18:47:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jeez, give her a break. She probably just assumed that, since you are a pizza boy, you are on the same social level.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-08-18 18:19:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2008-08-18 17:36:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You come across as an extremely closed-minded person. And you don't even proof-skim.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-08-18 16:51:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So you picked up some girl you used to make fun of in a strip club, and were such a candy-ass sap that you carted her around to numerous establishments so she could pimp herself, wasting both your gas and your time. Sounds like she knew what she was doing and you got used.
Submitted by spidy (user info) at 2008-08-18 15:56:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by HerrSchniedelwichs (user info) at 2008-08-18 15:54:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-08-18 14:13:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I deliver pizzas for a popular pizza franchise"
--
Are you brown? Are you clean?
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-08-18 14:01:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You fail at everything, don't you?
Submitted by Cassio (user info) at 2008-08-18 13:06:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-08-18 12:55:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
and reba was never a stripper. you fail at being white trash too. i mean really, was that so high of a goal?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-08-18 12:52:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i'm all for a funny/fucked up stripper story, but christ this sucked and you can barely write coherent english.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-08-18 12:23:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
There are not words to describe your suckiness.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-08-18 12:12:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-08-18 12:08:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
duh
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-08-18 11:47:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wait a second.
YOU'RE in COLLEGE?
Could have fooled me, Professor.
Submitted by congo (user info) at 2008-08-18 11:28:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Your general point is true, if not obvious.
The post was awful.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-08-18 11:26:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Liked it, although it could have used a good solid edit.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-08-18 10:26:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This is by far the worst post I've ever read here that involved strippers. Everything from the tone to the spelling to the attempts at jokes are fucking terrible. I hope that college you're attending is clown college and that you got some kind of a downs syndrome scholarship. Jesus Christ, kid.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-08-18 10:21:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
By the way you come across and the amazing job you do it sounds like 'she' is the one who really missed out here.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-08-18 10:16:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
i did not enjoy this
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-08-18 09:35:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
okay it's not true but it's still better than lungfishes story, and your post.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2008-08-18 09:34:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
*I* have a stripper story.
Once we went to a stripper place, and upon entry at the door - replete with polynesian door staff, we asked "hey what's the entrance price?"
The girl said "Fifteen dollars" and we were all like "WTF?? HOW MUCH IS YOUR BEER?"
she said, glancing at the polynesian door staff, "I'm not sure I don't drink here.."
We begrudgingly paid the outrageous admission and set about finding the bar.
"How much are your drinks old son?"
"What do you want?"
"Drinks, basically. We see you have beers on tap old man, what should we pay - for a schooner?"
"We don't serve schooners."
"right. Your fridge is full of exotic beers though, much like your wenches we expect, how much for say.....well let's see........how much for a delectable and THIRST quenching.....asahi?"
"a what?"
"An Asahi. How much there's four of us you know perhaps we can come to some gentleman's agreement."
"sure." [calls polynesians over]
"oh hello chaps how about the ble....dis....loe.......Owwwwwwwwwwwwwww."
the indian chappie in the cab-ride home was fairly decent though, only took one convoluted detour, AND we managed to save a pretty tidy sum when our mates parents spent THEIR money bailing us out of the lock up for trying to jump the cab at the seven eleven, after stopping at our place for extra change.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-08-18 08:37:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
maybe its because of where I come from, but it wasn't really necessary to write a whole story just to give an example for the statement "Strippers Are a Damaged Breed of Women"...I mean its like saying the sky is blue or water is wet.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-08-18 08:35:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this almost sounds like something that happened to me once, except when it happened to me it wasn't all pathetic like you.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-08-18 08:22:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
One of my male friends had a fetish for strippers. I mean, big time! He was always in one strip club or another. When I think of the amount of money he has spent over the years, my head swims.
"Dude, they're just strippers," I say to him.
This is also the same male friend who likes to call me up and bitch about the women he 'dates' and tells me lurid tales of when the relationships go sour.
"Dude, that's because they're strippers. Wake the fuck up!" I say to him. "Try dating a non-sex worker for once."
Not too long ago, he called me again. He wanted me to recommend a 'discrete' doctor to him. Now the man has a STD to show for his stripper fetish.
I gave him the name of a old (meaning age and years in practice) doctor aquaintaince of mine. I told him to NOT mention my name when asked who referred him.
Then, I hung up on him.
Jesus.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2008-08-18 07:11:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
HORRIBLE
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-08-18 04:57:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
which is ironic because my hand in my cock was ALL I wanted for the night.
------------
Why din't you just put your hand in your cock?
-P
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2008-08-18 04:55:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're just bitter cause she wouldn't fuck you.
Submitted by s0meb0dy (user info) at 2008-08-18 04:44:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Meh, it had potential, but the delivery and the ending sucked. I agree with below, your voice comes off a bit whiney.
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-08-18 04:38:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
she just gets dressed in reverse.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-08-18 03:44:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think you will find taht calling her a stripper is offensive
she is a
garment removal expert
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-08-18 02:45:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My apologises. She's a cunt. While I really wouldn't want to be with a stripper, I also wouldn't say they are all reayly damaged or not worth anything. I was just being an overly big douche. Thought it would make things a little more entertaining.
The chick in the story is a douche. Godspeed.
I'll put effort into something worthwhile next time, and I don't mean my story that people hate.
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-08-18 02:30:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-08-18 01:43:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay. Since you asked, I'll share a strip club story.
About five years ago, my friend Mike and I stumbled into a strip club late one night. Mike drinks a lot. And he likes the strip clubs. As every one knows, I don't drink.
We order two milk-and-cookies, minus the cookies for me, and sat down. Mike takes a sip, looks up at the petite blond on the stage, and says, "We gotta get outta here."
"What?"
"We need to leave," he said, in all seriousness.
"Oh...okay. I downed my drink quickly and followed him.
On the way out, he turns to me and says, simply, "I used to babysit that girl."
Haha. Mike's old.
---
Somehow I read that "milk-and-cookies" which made me chuckle and want some.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-08-18 02:08:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-08-18 01:44:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am quite drunk right now. I think that is why I can't 'differentiate' as you say. All I know thought, is, I had a ton of fun writing this. Fuck the ratings. Here here.
Seriously, a tool? Because I am not into a damaged ex-stripper? Fuck you.
-------
I appreciate that you may be drunk, and also that you actually put a bit of effort in this post -- something severely lacking from most posts a chose to click, but seriously, what do you care if the woman takes her clothes off for a living? I've known a couple strippers in the past, and it wasn't like they were giving a $2 blowjobs behind the bar to support a crack habit. (And what if they were?) They were actually paying for school. One of them had a child to support, too.
No need to answer. I'm going to bed. In any case, she may have been a very nice girl, and you let your prejudices get in the way of anything luverly happening 'twixt the two of you.
Of course, maybe she was a cunt.
I can't believe I wrote this. I really am going to bed.
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-08-18 01:46:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's actually a pretty funny story lungfish. I shoulda condensed mine to something life that.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-08-18 01:46:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Lungfish's story was 450 times better than this post. Take note.
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-08-18 01:44:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am quite drunk right now. I think that is why I can't 'differentiate' as you say. All I know thought, is, I had a ton of fun writing this. Fuck the ratings. Here here.
Seriously, a tool? Because I am not into a damaged ex-stripper? Fuck you.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-08-18 01:43:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay. Since you asked, I'll share a strip club story.
About five years ago, my friend Mike and I stumbled into a strip club late one night. Mike drinks a lot. And he likes the strip clubs. As every one knows, I don't drink.
We order two Jack-and-cokes, minus the coke for me, and sat down. Mike takes a sip, looks up at the petite blond on the stage, and says, "We gotta get outta here."
"What?"
"We need to leave," he said, in all seriousness.
"Oh...okay. I downed my drink quickly and followed him.
On the way out, he turns to me and says, simply, "I used to babysit that girl."
Haha. Mike's old.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-08-18 01:29:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No offense, but you might be the biggest tool in your life.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-08-18 01:27:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
1. You sound like a douchebag
2. You refuse to spellcheck/ differentiate between: their/there/they're
3. You make "dating" sound boring and faggoty, which for someone who can no longer black out then wake up with a girl is very depressing.
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-08-18 01:21:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Strippers are also trainwrecks. Fuck that " I needed to get the money to get through college."
You are now a trainwreck. Good luck having a healthy relationship in the future.