The Definitive Guide to Courting an Escort (569 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.14 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Registered_S_O (View user info) at 2008-08-22 23:28:31 EDT
Step 1: Getting an escorts number from a bathroom wall is NOT safer then getting the number from the yellow pages.
Step 2: When you discuss prices, make it sound as if you have less money then you really do. For example, she tells you she will only work for the super premium deluxe package which includes oral, oral, swallow, ass to mouth, and taking a shit on her chest if you tip her. That bad Larry cost $1,000. Begin by speaking about the huge increase in oil, the economic slow America is facing, how badly your stocks are doing because some dipshit in the middle east pounds his chest and investors get scared and further weaken the dollar by investing elsewhere. You should be able to get at the super premium deluxe package for half.
Step 3: Never, and I mean NEVER, take her to your house or apartment. At best you are single. Bring her to where you live will only embolden her to drop by at 3 in the afternoon, strung out and needing money for her next fix. You were so 'nice' that she felt 'safe' coming to you. Get the fuck outta hea.
Step 4: Never make small talk with her. You may inevitably become enchanted by her. This is bad. Very bad. The last thing you need in your life is the emotional baggage an escort will bring to the table when you start a relationship with her. If she attempts to strike up casual conversation, cup your hands over your ears and say "LALALLALLA" really loud until her mouth closes.
Step 5: Do not kiss her. I don't mean to sound cliche, but you don't know nor want to know where her mouth has been. If you were to kiss an escort, you could pollute your mouth forever. Imagine having the teeth of the average Brit *shudders*.
Step 6: The final and most important step. Always leave the money on the bureau. This shows you are emotionally detached and you recognize the escort for what she is. If she collects the money and then tries to stay to start a relationship with you, simply say "why don't you shake your ass on outta here". She will get the point.
Well I hope you walk away from this post with a new perspective that will hopefully help you in this world. That is all.
Thanks famous black comedian whose name escapes me at this moment for the "Shake your ass on outta here" comment.
User Reviews
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2008-08-23 19:20:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck them bitches. i liked it
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2008-08-23 14:54:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I would love to see a compilation of all the uber users (ever) with an average of 1.5 or above. Please make this happen and I will +2 it into infinity. Comprehensivity is key. Thanks!
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-08-23 12:24:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't laugh.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-08-23 12:02:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-08-23 10:59:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This might fix the -0 rating.
In Physics and Engineering, "0+" is the time at which an object is moving but has not actually changed location yet. Therefore "0-" must be just before that, when the object is pretty much just sitting there. I leave the assignation of relevance to others.
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-08-23 06:14:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How the fuck is my rating negative zero?
Submitted by EJ (user info) at 2008-08-23 00:37:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Needs more Fat Tony. His how-to guides were always spot-on.
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-08-22 23:35:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I agree with you doodles. This wasn't very funny. The sad part is I knew that coming into this. I wrote it, read it, and smiled only at the bad larry part. However, the reviews will be quite funny. Thanks for the plus 2. I will need it.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-08-22 23:31:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wasn't that funny.
Escorts are for fatties and virgins.
And geeks.