You Could Take Over a CVS with Like Seven Tough-Looking Black Guys (18940 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.93 on 53 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sully (View user info) at 2008-08-23 16:28:21 EDT
You walk into CVS through the sensory, automatic doors.
You get that same thought you always do, every single time you come here:
"Jesus Christ, if I just had a handful of tough-looking black dudes with me, we could take over this bullshit, no doubt.
To your right is the magazine/book area where you can find your Seventeen, Good Housekeeping, and other beat-off worthy materials, as well as a slew of romance novels and coloring books. Straight ahead are rows of isles, where you can find the most basic necessities of life including cough syrup, solo cups, and tie-dyed plastic oversized kickballs. To your left is the cashier, a sixteen-year-old hideous frump complete with mouse brown hair, braces, and acne, dressed in a red vest behind a fortress of Snickers, Reese's, and Super Blow-Pops. At the far end of the CVS, you'll usually find a handful of pseudo-doctor types controlling their sector of pharmaceutical drugs.
With just six to ten black men aged 18-30, you could literally take over this entire convenience store/pharmacy in less than five minutes. I wish I was fucking exaggerating.
There's always the customer wildcard factor, although for the most part you'll only be dealing with 70-year-olds, thirty-something women buying pads and facewash, and ugly kids trying to inconspicuously shoplift $1 DVDs and Halloween masks. But there's always a chance for that hero in the bunch, usually a 27-year-old chill-looking guy in a suede jacket with a well-groomed goatee looking to buy his wife that specific shampoo she wanted but was too lazy to go because she's pregnant. This guy was seemingly born to put his life on the line if he just happened to be in a CVS while it was in the process of getting hijacked. If you look hard enough, this archetype is in CVS one out of every five times you're in there. Hell, sometimes you'll find two or three of these guys down the same shampoo isle, wearing the same suede jackets, shopping for their similarly pregnant wives. But that's about as rare as seeing a giant squid alive, so you probably don't need to worry about this.
It's all about acting like you're not doing anything wrong. When you and your black comrades enter the CVS, you gotta walk in like you're just walking into your house. You have to visualize, and keep mentally telling yourselves that you're coming home from a hard day's work, and you do in fact all live in this CVS.
One of the black guys, preferably the oldest of the bunch, will be carrying a medium-sized CD player (NOTE: Do not bring an oversized boombox which makes it look like you're trying to revive 1991. No one will take you seriously.) He will ask the young cashier kindly, but slightly demandingly: "Sweetie, plug this in for me right now." She'll do it because the guy is older than her, and he's black.
I can't stress this enough that the CD in the player HAS to be Only Built 4 Cuban Linx by Raekwon the Chef of Wu-Tang fame. I've seen people screw this up on several occasions by trying to play Stankonia by OutKast or Uncontrolled Substance by Inspectah Deck. For fuck's sake stop trying to get fancy. Do you want to play a full 9 inning game of kickball in CVS or not?
While this is going on, the hardest part of this will be coercing the pharmacists into complying, since they're not as impressionable as insecure, unattractive cashiers. Two of your black friends need to sidetrack the smartest looking pharmacist (ie. the Asian or the oldest-looking woman) while the rest of your crew, you included, start clearing out space in the middle of the CVS. Just move shit to other isles, not talking to each other, and not laughing or goofing around. If you don't take this seriously, you won't be taken seriously.
BONUS TIP: Have one of your straight-faced black friends take off his shirt, and start casually drinking a Cherry Coke from the CVS mini-fridge. This will create an undeniable aura of self-imposed authority.
You have to work as fast as possible here. Use anything for bases; magazines work. If one of the pharmacists look like they're about to question what you're doing, or call the police or something, a black guy needs to say, "Dude, you're up," to which they'll ask, "What?" to which someone needs to throw him/her a kickball and say, "You pitch, man." The overwhelming feeling of inclusion and camaraderie will cause them to forget about what they were about to do previously.
Making eye-contact and not joking around is key to all of this. No one will question a group of tough looking black guys trying to set up a kickball game in a CVS, especially with foreign sounding East Coast rap blasting in the background to keep them off-balance.
If any customer or other employee starts to give you the slightest impression that they're about to reprimand you, toss them the kickball as fast as possible and have one of your crew say "You pitch, dude."
Don't have 6-10 black friends? Hispanics can work, but they have to all be shirtless, and even then I've seen this work about half the time. An all-Caucasian crew has about a one in ten chance. An Asian crew might work, although I've never seen it pulled off successfully in my life so be fucking careful.
Oh and the ceilings are low as shit, watch out.
User Reviews
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2008-12-12 11:11:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep ballin home dawg.
Keep ballin till the blues and twos start flashin.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2008-10-23 17:26:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Mildly amusing only.
Not hard to get on B@W these days obviously.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-10-22 17:51:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was kicked out of a RiteAid once, true story.
Submitted by peppermintpete (user info) at 2008-10-22 17:13:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2008-10-14 00:34:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by OminousFate (user info) at 2008-10-09 12:53:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic post. I could visualize this happening in my local CVS.
Submitted by Desz (user info) at 2008-09-23 14:32:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2008-09-23 14:19:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The visuals this provided, combined with my 3.5 months working there one summer, gave me laughing fits at work.
Submitted by dohnuts (user info) at 2008-09-17 11:55:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic post!
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2008-09-12 14:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good times. I get all nostalgic and shit just thinking about this story already.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-09-03 13:56:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-09-03 11:24:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-09-03 10:15:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The text in this post was beautiful but then you hit it out of the park with the hot questionable nubile action. Bless you.
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-09-03 09:58:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-08-27 14:12:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-08-26 04:07:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-08-24 20:59:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For the gymnasts' tits, obviously.
For some reason, none of the athletes except gymnasts are hot.
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I hate everything you say.
________________________________________________________________________________
Hahahah.....
I liked everything about this post.
My boner is typing right now.
===============
B@W
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2008-08-28 00:24:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*takes notes*
Submitted by JoeAverage (user info) at 2008-08-27 23:44:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the second thing I've read from you and again it's excellent.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-08-27 14:12:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-08-26 04:07:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-08-24 20:59:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For the gymnasts' tits, obviously.
For some reason, none of the athletes except gymnasts are hot.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hate everything you say.
________________________________________________________________________________
Hahahah.....
I liked everything about this post.
My boner is typing right now.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-08-26 09:40:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-08-26 08:59:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Exceptional.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-08-26 05:52:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is a fucking winner!
Nuff said.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2008-08-26 04:30:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-08-26 04:07:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-08-24 20:59:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For the gymnasts' tits, obviously.
For some reason, none of the athletes except gymnasts are hot.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hate everything you say.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-08-26 00:30:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-08-24 20:59:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason, none of the athletes except gymnasts are hot.
----
http://www.yn.xinhuanet.com/pic/2006-08/30/xin_47080330161565674543.jpg
I disagree.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-08-26 00:09:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I usually drink whiskey and beer, but tonight I'm drinking rum. I thought hanging out my the pool drinking strawberry daiquiris sounded like it would be a pleasant change, if a bit gay. Anyway, the margarita mix I bought tastes like ass, so I'm just doing shots of rum, which makes me feel kind of like a pirate.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2008-08-25 23:23:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yes
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-08-25 17:42:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-08-25 14:59:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me weep with joy.
Submitted by Hagard (user info) at 2008-08-25 02:41:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ihateyoujulia.com/?id=0f8a9fb62505919704646242d8d7f886
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-08-24 20:59:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For the gymnasts' tits, obviously.
For some reason, none of the athletes except gymnasts are hot.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-08-24 18:08:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2008-08-24 14:24:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that shit might work in a pussy ass cvs but you try and pull that shit in a walgreens and your ass is fucked.
On a side note, did you know that wallgreens sells vibrators and labels them as personal messager? Well they do and all the vibrators have pictures of women in some level of extacy. They are located near the pharmacy by the allergy/sinus relief medicine.
I guess when men are clever enough to diguise pocket pussies as vibrating pocket warmers or something akin we will have them in 24 hour pharmaceutical stores.
Womens' lib anyone?
No?
ok....
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-08-24 12:58:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Incredible. Take Uber back, STP. Take it all the way back.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2008-08-24 08:50:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very solid.
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2008-08-24 04:33:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You could take over a cvs with six to ten of pretty much anything: 6-10 trained circus bears, 6-10 unfired roman candles, 6-10 molting sea gulls, 6-10 unopened packs of gummi bears, 6-10 bowls of hot spaghetti w/ sauce, 6-10 ripped copies of Britney Spears' newest album "media cesspool", 6-10 well formed jello molds, 6-10 recipes for Hanukha(sp?) bread. Hell, yawning in a CVS could get the cahier to hand over the till.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2008-08-24 02:26:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Read it earlier before I went out.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-08-23 23:40:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-08-23 22:44:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read the whole thing, but the premise is sound.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-08-23 22:43:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Freakin awesome.
[In that pic, Nastia looks so jealous... like she wants some too... that's hot.]
Submitted by metalbeast7 (user info) at 2008-08-23 22:42:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
who the fuck would watch this shi..WOAH
greatest jpg evar
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2008-08-23 22:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/u/Sinistral/l/awesome
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-08-23 22:29:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was very good.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-08-23 21:54:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
CVS= Walgreen's retarded kid brother.
Very nice.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2008-08-23 21:07:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Spam, your comments made me laugh out loud. Cuban Linx really does have an intimidating 'glow' to it that can throw unsuspecting white people off guard.
And CVS is the type of place you can walk out of with prescription painkillers, Vanity Fair, and your Kodak pictures developed.
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2008-08-23 20:03:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
jigaboos rule.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-08-23 19:53:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I meant currEnt of course, a menacing currant is much rarer and equires a combination of acid and a selection of Tesco Value Scones.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-08-23 19:51:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this and chuckled light-heartedly throughout. I then re-read it listening to Cuban Linx and felt a harsh currant of quiet menace wash through me - I can actually really picture this working.
having said that, I've no idea what CVS is.
bloody yanks.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2008-08-23 19:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*stares, blinks eyes, sighs, drops to knees, starts to blow you*
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-08-23 18:57:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
;-)
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2008-08-23 17:32:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ugh, and I missed a closed quotation mark on the first quote. Woe is me.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-08-23 17:11:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
leaving aside that it's an aisle not an isle, this was good.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2008-08-23 16:58:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well colour me amused
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-08-23 16:55:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Good Housekeeping, and other beat-off worthy materials,"
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Heh.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-08-23 16:33:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amused the shit out of me.