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California Banking (839 hits)

Category: None

Rating: -0.01 on 48 reviews (Rate this item) (V)

Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2008-08-25 18:51:25 EDT

"Okay, who's next... Mr. Willits?"

"Yeah, das me."

"Hi, I'm Todd Cavanaugh, and I'll be reviewing your loan application today. If you'll just come over to my desk and have a seat..."

"Awight."

"Okay. Now you've been with the bank for..."

"Siss years."

"Six years, yes. I'm looking at your balance history... your average balance over that period has been five dollars and seventy-three cents."

"Be more'n that whenever I deposit my check."

"You have automatic payroll deposit set up with your employer? I don't see that, or any record of—"

"My 'sistance check. I get one every week."

"Ah. That would be the two hundred and ninety-five dollars and eleven cents electronically deposited every Thursday between one and two in the morning, most of which is withdrawn by you before noon."

"Das right."

"Okay. Now about your loan. You are asking for a loan of three hundred thousand dollars to start a company called, uh, Monster MegaLoads? I assume this is some sort of moving or hauling company? You'll be investing in trucks and such?"

"Nah, man, video cameras an shit. An a website."

"Excuse me?"

"You seen those monser cock videos online?"

"ExCUSE me?"

"Monser cock. Where ho's take a giant fake load in the face. From a big plastic dick."

"I..."

"They suck it an jerk it like it's real, an get a load, cover the whole face?

"Mr. Willits—"

"I wanna do videos like that. Only they gonna be Monser MegaLoads. I got a big industrial pump. From a dairy. Pumps milk. I wanna do videos where a ho gets hit by a monser load, we mix up some shit like batter for pancakes an shit all thick an sticky like a jizzload an pump it high speed but we use fire hoses an a giant fake dick the size of a cannon an the bitch suck on that an when the bitch get hit she fly across the room. Niggah, be hella good."

"......."

"Monser MegaLoads: We blow da bitch away!"

"That is disgusting."

"Is art, muhfugguh. Do a gay site to for faggots. Give you a free membership."

"I see. Mr. Willits, according to your application you left school midway through the ninth grade?"

"School buh-shit, muhfugguh."

"Got it. Mr. Willits, do you have any collateral?"

"Wuh?"

"Do you have anything of value you could use to help secure the loan?"

"I got my girlfren CDs. Bitch says they hers, they mine. I burn 'em, she dint."

"Mr. Willits..."

"Got my old website too."

"Sorry?"

"Dickslapper dot com."

"...."

"Slap bitches and homos with my dick. Put it on video. Upload the shit. Only got a cell phone cam though. Low-res muhfuggah. Check it out."

"Mr. Willits, I'd prefer it if you stay on THAT side of the desk and not approach any closer."

"Get lots of hits, bitch. Demo time."

"ExCUSE me? I don't appreciate... PUT THAT BACK IN YOUR PANTS!"

"Do slap vids for the 'mos too. They like it."

"Mr.—ow! DID YOU JUST HIT ME WITH YOUR—OW!"

"You like it, homo bitch?"

"SECURITY!"

"Yo, get these niggah's hans off me, foo muhfuggah!"

"GET HIM OUT OF HERE!"

"So do I get my loan, bitch-ass niggah?"

"IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE FEDERAL TRADE COMMISION ACT AND THE TREASURY DEPARTMENT'S OFFICE OF THE COMPTROLLER OF THE CURRENCY I WILL SUBMIT YOUR APPLICATION TO OUR PANEL FOR FINAL REVIEW AND YOU WILL HEAR FROM US IN SIX TO EIGHT WEEKS!"

"Okay. I see you then. Mr. Cavnaw."

"Sweet fucking Christ... okay, who's next... oh you gotta be shitting me... Mr. Split Tongue? Mr. Split Tongue the Snake Man?"

"Yeth, thath me, I'm Thplit Tongue Thnake Man."

"Well... hello. I'm Todd Cavanaugh, and I'll be reviewing your loan application today. If you'll just come over to my desk and have a seat..."

muhfuggin bank!.jpg (67 kB)

User Reviews

Submitted by phuchuebuddy (user info) at 2008-09-11 17:57:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Pretty funny, Jack

Submitted by JoeAverage (user info) at 2008-08-27 20:56:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

How is this not #1 on the most heated. I laughed my ass off at this story! You are a talented and funny man and this is comic gold!

Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-08-26 11:44:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-08-26 08:07:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1

"Hi, I'd like one of those bankcards that allows me to play Pac-man on the ATM"

"I'm sorry Mr McCallum, those don't exist."

"Nu-uh! My mate saw one in Canada and took a photo"

"I'm sorry Mr McCallum, he doesn't exist either."
=============================

This review and this post are the two first things to make me laugh on Uber today.

Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-08-26 11:07:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Tall. Thin. Obviously a homo.

v
v
v

Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-08-26 10:47:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

racist

Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-08-26 10:08:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-08-26 08:07:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1

"Hi, I'd like one of those bankcards that allows me to play Pac-man on the ATM"

"I'm sorry Mr McCallum, those don't exist."

"Nu-uh! My mate saw one in Canada and took a photo"

"I'm sorry Mr McCallum, he doesn't exist either."
____

Spluttered water all down my shirt LoLing.

Submitted by Harmon (user info) at 2008-08-26 09:40:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

No Comment

Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-08-26 09:01:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Oh jack you silly rabbit, I just like to rile you (and the rest of uber) up.

Judging by the comments are now almost exclusivly focused on racism, I think I did my job.

I still want you to step away from what is comfortable, so until then you'll only recieve -2s.

Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-08-26 08:45:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Not good.

Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-08-26 08:07:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1

"Hi, I'd like one of those bankcards that allows me to play Pac-man on the ATM"

"I'm sorry Mr McCallum, those don't exist."

"Nu-uh! My mate saw one in Canada and took a photo"

"I'm sorry Mr McCallum, he doesn't exist either."

Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-08-26 08:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Weaksauce.

i_can_get_you_a_toe has a fat gunt.

Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2008-08-26 07:40:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-08-25 23:45:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

will the trendy white-guilt will go away if Obama makes it?

-------

Will America be viewed as less racist and less socially unjust if we do elect a black President? Look at his background, and what he has overcome (Single parent family, drug addiction) and what he has accomplished (Law school, State and National Senate). Doesn't that show that blacks and other minorities can become successful?

Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-08-26 05:31:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1

Mildly amusing.

Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-08-26 04:22:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-08-25 21:04:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Just to further my point:

...ANTI-OBAMA(goes back to racist)...

--

If there was ever a clearer case of white guilt in action...

Me: "I don't think Obama can cut it. He is a magnificent speaker, but unless he surrounds himself with highly qualified people in the White House he would be sadly lacking as a President."

Uber: RACIST!

Doodles probably pumped his fist in the air when OJ was acquitted.

Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-08-26 02:47:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Why is everyone crying racist?

Willits could be white. In fact, he probably IS white.

Seriously, for every ghetto badboy with baggy clothes and a welfare check there's ten fuckup white boys with ten times the opportunities of a black guy and half social worth.

Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-08-26 02:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

I don't quite see how thinking yer a boring racist douchebag makes me a pussy... but you DO have an alarming cat fetish so I'm just going to assume it's creepy.

Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-08-26 00:13:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Fathead too stupid to make it in his own country, below.

Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-08-26 00:09:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

disgusting filthy excuse for a human being below

Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-08-25 23:49:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

No Comment

Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-08-25 23:45:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

will the trendy white-guilt will go away if Obama makes it?

Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-08-25 23:34:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

kaos you need to realize that jack's 'writing' falls into one of four actually categories.

racist humor, which while I do find it mostly funny is done by him way too much.

heatwhore/uber related

Stories about eating little children

Actually good fiction.

Incase you don't understand the list goes form most to least frequent.

Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-08-25 22:51:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

The ONLY reason this has such a low rating is because it's Jack.

If any one of the many random idiot newbie thirty-thousand level users wrote it, there would be screams of B@W.

(no offense to various 30,000 level users who do, in fact, actually rule)

YES, Jack can be an ass sometime, and YES I despise his political views, but this was still pretty fuckin' funny...

Submitted by PepsiCoke (user info) at 2008-08-25 22:51:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-08-25 21:51:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Read these and tell me I'm a racist.

--------

You lost me when you told me to read something you wrote.

Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-08-25 22:32:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-08-25 22:22:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

so he's either a dreadful writer...

--

Apollo calling ME a dreadful writer.

Hehehe.

Hahahaha.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHAHA!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-08-25 22:22:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

so he's either a dreadful writer or a racist.

i vote both but that's no surprise.

Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-08-25 22:11:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

I DID NOT SHOOT THIS VIDEO.

I did watch it.

BUT I DID NOT SHOOT IT.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8vIKeYD-hU&feature=related

"Southland Mall 3"

It's a frikken trilogy, dude!

Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-08-25 22:02:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Poor white trash in action in near me...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=related&v=a4ceOMk7mMA

"Fight at Southland Mall Hayward"

HAHAHA!

Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-08-25 21:52:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Oh, the guy was supposed to be white? My bad.

Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-08-25 21:51:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Read these and tell me I'm a racist.

http://www.ubersite.com/u/Jack_McCallum/l/negroes

And this...

http://www.ubersite.com/u/Jack_McCallum/l/allahtown

Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-08-25 21:49:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by PepsiCoke (user info) at 2008-08-25 21:02:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Jack, if you thought of this guy as white trash, you're a terrible writer. But you didn't envision him as white trash, which makes you a racist and a liar.

"Niggah, be hella good."

--

SO YOU HAVE LIVED IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA'S EAST BAY REGION?

YOU'VE HEARD THE POOR WHITE TRASH TALKING?

These douchebags grew up on rap and are wannabe gangstas. They talk exactly as you quoted above.

Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-08-25 21:48:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1

I enjoy good racist humor, but this was kinda weak. I did get a kick out of the part where the guy was describing his business plan though.

Submitted by vlf.fata (user info) at 2008-08-25 21:23:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1

Stop being such a tight ass, if you viewed this as anything other than comedy: you're an idiot.

For christ's sake the man slapped a bank employee with his cock! HIS COCK I SAY!

You all need to get off your high horse and enjoy being racist like you know you are.

Submitted by PepsiCoke (user info) at 2008-08-25 21:02:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Jack, if you thought of this guy as white trash, you're a terrible writer. But you didn't envision him as white trash, which makes you a racist and a liar.

"Niggah, be hella good."

White trash people don't say "niggah". They say "nigger". The dialect and pronunciations are completely in line with black stereotypes.

You're a total fucking idiot. If you're going to be racist, just fucking go for it and at least be funny. Not only was this unfunny, but you pussed out and tried to act like you weren't being racist. Eat shit, dumbass.

Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-08-25 20:54:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

I truly despise racist people.

You ARE a racist person.

Joking about it can be ufnny every once in a while but this, and eating small children is all you seem to think about.

You should be shot.

And I'm not jsut saying that.

Enjoy the FIRST rating other than a +2 that I've given out in...about two months.

No, but seriously, you do need to die.

Submitted by PepsiCoke (user info) at 2008-08-25 20:54:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Nice!

Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-08-25 20:46:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-08-26 00:49:03 BST (#)
Ranking: 1

I chuckled.

---

I didn't

Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-08-25 20:34:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

"All the leaves are brown (the leaves are brown) and the sky is gra-aayyyyyyy...I've been for a walk (I've been for a walk) on a winter's day (on a winter's day)..."

You get the idea.

Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-08-25 20:13:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

You're a Racist, Dr. Catherder!

Submitted by Zax (user info) at 2008-08-25 19:59:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1

it its a bit funny

Submitted by PayMeLater (user info) at 2008-08-25 19:55:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

No Comment

Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-08-25 19:49:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1

I chuckled.

Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2008-08-25 19:14:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Anybody who didn't think this was awesome...is wrong.

Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-08-25 19:09:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2008-08-25 18:55:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Laughed. And as black a name as Willits sounds, there's a white baseball player somehow named Reggie Willits.

--

Sully - interesting. When I wrote this I saw the guy as poor white trash. Seriously.

Unless I SUBCONSCIOUSLY saw him as BLACK because I am a RACIST NAZI!

RAHOWA!!!

Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-08-25 19:08:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-08-25 18:59:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Were you as bored writing this as I was reading it?

--

CHRIST you're a pussy.

Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-08-25 18:59:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Were you as bored writing this as I was reading it?

Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2008-08-25 18:55:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

Laughed. And as black a name as Willits sounds, there's a white baseball player somehow named Reggie Willits.

Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-08-25 18:51:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2

Fuck you. I'm bored.

FUCK YOU!