Olivia Munn's Cleavage is Attractive, and Some Other Stuff (2054 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.88 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sully (View user info) at 2008-08-26 13:32:02 EDT
As of late, I've been in a semi-serious relationship with someone. Her name is Emilia, and to be honest, I've never been this attracted to a woman in my life.
She has these lonely grayish-blue eyes, a strikingly familiar quality about her face, like I've known her in a past life or something. At the same time she has this very distinct, exotic look to her, punctuated by a silver nose piercing. I've never really been into girls with shit on their faces (if I may paraphrase a quote I vaguely recall from Pulp Fiction), but for some reason-- I dig it on her. Her voice is honey-sweet and earnest with the slightest hint of a European accent. At first glance, you probably wouldn't classify her as 'beautiful,' but she has the most charming personality that just enhances her physical features. I remember the day we met like it was yesterday.
It was two days ago:
"I can take the next person in line," she said, craning her neck over the glass.
There was something that drew me to her. I walked over and placed three rolls of pennies between us. The people behind me started to quietly complain about my cutting in line.
"Hey, he's not next. He's..."
"Wait a minute, I've been..."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's the..."
I immediately swung around and growl-cussed at all of them while making the fiercest expressions I've ever made. The entire bank went silent as I cursed all their children and their children's children, and drool flung in miscellaneous directions. It was probably hard to understand, as there were more indistinguishable noises than actual words, but I think they got the gist of it.
Emilia (I noticed her nametag), politely asked if I had an account. I didn't.
"I'm sorry but our bank only cashes coins if the customer has an account with us. Would you like to open one?"
Frustrated, I ripped open one of the rolls of pennies and hurled them as hard as I could to the ground, causing a miniature explosion of copper and confusion. I jetted out of there, leaving the other two rolls behind. She was playing hard to get, that was for sure. But I was hooked.
Every time I participate in the glorious event some affectionately refer to as "The Awkward Dance," or "Five of the Longest Seconds of Your Life," I always make sure to have something planned to say to my partner. You know, a silly little barb to relieve some of the sexual tension. For instance, I took a hard right after walking down the steps of the bank entrance, only to come face to face with an African-American. His skin was indeed as dark as you might have heard. I'd seen photographs, and partially believed anecdotes from friends, but to be up close to one-- to literally smell the aroma of the coco butter-- it was quite an experience. I tried to go around him, and vice-versa; you know the deal. This went on for a good three seconds until the two of us simultaneously realized what we had gotten ourselves into.
I cleverly quipped, "Wow, and here I thought niggers were supposed to be good at dancing," which made him giggle like a somnophiliac sneaking around the comatose wing of a hospital. We almost instantly became best friends.
After hastily exchanging phone numbers, we parted ways. His name was DeShawn, and he seemed like an alright guy; good sense of humor, a pretty sick flat-top hairstyle, and most likely intelligent and financially stable because he was dressed in a suit and headed inside the bank.
At this point, I knew I had to woo Emilia as fast as possible. I could not let a girl like that get away.
I drove over 80 mph, completely disregarding the rules of traffic, dangerously swerving around cars and hoping for the best. Miraculously, I made it home intact. Of course, I only live in the apartment building across the street from the bank, but still.
The only rational thing to do now was to create something artistic and give it to her.
That night, I began work on a nude, 17' sculpture of myself, using any materials I could find. Unfortunately, I hadn't gone grocery shopping in two weeks which meant slim pickins. I soon abandoned my creation after discovering on Wikipedia that Michelangelo's David took four years to finish. I was only committed to doing something for like two hours tops, followed by a p2p-service sponsored beat-off session and then peacefully falling asleep eating Cheez-Its while the main menu of my Simpsons Season 5 DVD looped endlessly on my 19'' TV screen.
Ugh, this is getting too wordy. Long story short:
DeShawn was killed by a drunk driver, Emilia was embarrassingly caught stealing hundreds of deposit slips (she was too good to be true), and I ended up chilling with Olivia Munn and eventually climaxing on the dimples of her lower back at Hawaii's Little League Championship victory after-party. If you're not familiar with her, she's an Asian-ish looking dime-piece and apparently the host of a nerdy television show.
Come to think of it, I was pretty wasted so I might've just been watching her on TV and jerking off.
ATTN GHEY MENZ: Congratulations, clicking on this post means you're at least bi-curious. Like the rest of us.
User Reviews
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-08-28 10:02:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeAverage (user info) at 2008-08-27 23:40:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a gifted writer and a funny man. I look forward to your next collection of pure gold.
Submitted by kgbpasha (user info) at 2008-08-27 11:57:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Olivia Munn/ Tia Carrere sandwich.
You make the call.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2008-08-27 11:56:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nope, just a simple man living a simple life. A short-order cook with a couple bullets left and a score to settle. And Down's Syndrome.
Donkey, you're probably right, that would explain my mom no longer leaving a little note for me everyday in my bagged lunch. UGH FUCK YOU MOM I SECRETLY ENJOYED THOSE.
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-08-27 08:55:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was only committed to doing something for like two hours tops, followed by a p2p-service sponsored beat-off session and then peacefully falling asleep eating Cheez-Its while the main menu of my Simpsons Season 5 DVD looped endlessly on my 19'' TV screen.
-----------------------
Are you a God?
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-08-27 07:28:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny boy thou art.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-08-27 06:52:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it has to be the best car on the face of the people you just ran over. - NICE.
This was an appeasing story.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2008-08-27 06:24:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just came back to watch that gif again. Funny shit!
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-08-27 05:30:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for the post
+1 for video link
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-08-27 05:16:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
wtf does sounding european mean?
speaks with a lisp?
hare lip?
good story
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-08-27 04:25:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Calibré.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-08-26 21:42:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uber died long ago, my friend. And that growth is "pubic hair." It means you are growing up. Water it and nurture it until you have a fine, full bush.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2008-08-26 21:28:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This place is a fuckin ghost town. Last I remember a post lasted on the front page for a few hours. Did everyone die or something? Is Generation Kill worth downloading illegally if I'm already a fan of David Simon? Is this weird growth thing at the base of my dick something that should be looked at professionally?
Submitted by plasman (user info) at 2008-08-26 21:01:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice read
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-08-26 20:07:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2008-08-26 18:48:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
And no, I didn't mean to say the engine of a GT, I meant the actual car itself is what I have for an engine.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2008-08-26 18:45:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's a custom brown spray painted '89 Chevy Beretta with the engine mixture of a 2006 Mustang GT and the ghost of Andy Griffith. If you look up his Wikipedia bio, it'll say he's still alive, but give it a few days to refresh.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2008-08-26 18:24:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-08-26 18:04:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want your car. If you can go from 0-80 in 36 feet, it has to be the best car on the face of the people you just ran over
Submitted by Brian_Johns (user info) at 2008-08-26 17:50:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny. And the picture is awesome too.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-08-26 17:43:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amusing
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-08-26 17:28:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-08-26 14:51:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew I should have defaulted to the expert.
thanks for the correction.
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<3
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-08-26 16:56:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That little swipe at the end about the rest of us being bi-curious. Fag.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-08-26 15:40:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bizzare, but I'll go with it. The bouncy castles don't hurt the descision, that's for sure.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-08-26 14:51:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-08-26 14:49:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hookah, actually, but good try buddy
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I knew I should have defaulted to the expert.
thanks for the correction.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-08-26 14:49:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hookah, actually, but good try buddy
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-08-26 14:37:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-08-26 14:21:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
INAPPROPRIATE TOUCHING!!!
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-08-26 14:04:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Didn't read it, but she does have nice cleavage.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-08-26 14:03:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:|
..........
:) ...
Eff...
:D
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2008-08-26 14:01:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is probably old as hell but I can't get enough of this video: (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0xoKiH8JJM)
The end had me dying.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-08-26 13:58:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So...perky....and so...bouncy.
GOD DAMN YOU KEVIN PERERA!
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-08-26 13:50:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WELL HELLO DEAH!!
we need a Ballare GIF like this.
It could be surrounded by bongs and Hooka's (sp?)
actually hooka's probobly reads like im saying Hookers in a ghetto voice...
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-08-26 13:40:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gif can't stop watching
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-08-26 13:38:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Blatent Racism