Waiting (490 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.44 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by spedmonkey <spedmonkey.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2008-08-26 14:43:05 EDT
"Hey, Frank?"
"Yeah?"
"How long do you think it'll take them to get here?"
"I don't know, Jerry. It could be in an hour, it could be ten hours. We'll see, I guess."
"OK, Frank." A pause. "Hey, Frank?"
"What is it, Jerry?"
"I'm gonna climb this tree, OK? To see if I can see them coming. OK?"
"Sure. Whatever. Don't hurt yourself."
"Do you wanna climb with me, Frank? This tree's like the jungle gym in school. Yeah. The jungle gym."
"No, Jerry. You go ahead. I'll be sitting right here if you need me."
Another pause. "I don't see anything, Frank. No cars or nothing."
" Good to know. You gonna come down now?"
"No, not yet. I like it up here. I see lots of stuff. Lots and lots and lots of stuff."
"That's nice."
"You should really come up here, Frank. I see birds and other birds and clouds and things. And grass. Lots of grass. It's like the ocean, but with grass."
"No thanks, Jerry. I've seen enough grass in my life already."
"Oh, OK, Frank." A pause. "Hey, Frank?"
"Yeah?"
"What are you gonna do when they come?"
"I don't know, Jerry. I hadn't really thought about it."
"Oh."
"I guess I feel like I should fight it out. Seems fitting after all this."
"Oh."
"What are you going to do?"
"First, I'm going to ask them a question."
"What question?"
"I'm going to ask them, 'What was the hold-up?'. " A pause. "Did you hear me, Frank? I said, 'What was the hold-up?'."
"I heard you, Jerry."
"Do you get it? I made it up all by myself."
"Yeah. Very clever, Jerry. Very clever."
"Thanks." A pause. "What should I do, Frank?"
"About what?"
"When they get here. After I ask my question."
"If I were you, Jerry? Stay up there in your tree. Maybe they won't see you."
"But if you're gonna fight, I wanna too."
"Don't do that, Jerry. There's no reason we both have to."
"OK. I like my tree."
"I know. I'm glad."
"Hey, Frank?"
"Yeah?"
"Did you have fun?"
"Good question. Yeah, I guess it was worth it. Did you?"
"Yeah, definitely. Let's do it again sometime, OK?"
"Heh. I don't think there will be a next time, Jerry. But if there is, I'll make sure to give you a call."
"OK. I won't do it again until you can come with me."
"Deal."
A long pause. "Hey, Frank?"
"Yeah?"
"I hope they take a long time to get here."
"Yeah, me too, Jerry. Me too."
User Reviews
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2008-08-27 09:48:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Steinbeck, mice & men, etc, all the stuff that's been said.
And the problem with THAT is that there's not enough here.. not enough story, not enough character, not enough of ANYTHING, for this to stand on its own apart from that initial "Hey, it's george and lenny....".. because it ends.
They key to using an idea that's already been used is to make it your own, make it unique. You didn't do that, and so this piece failed.
Submitted by Dextreme (user info) at 2008-08-27 09:09:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
are you deliberately repeating mice & men or are you trying to pass it off as your own?
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-08-27 08:48:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This post was kind of like purgatory... not good... not bad... just kinda there...
Submitted by metalbeast7 (user info) at 2008-08-26 22:43:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
exactly what i was thinking, guy below me
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-08-26 20:14:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Expect a call from John Steinbeck's lawyers
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2008-08-26 18:37:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
I've tried this type of thing before myself(http://www.ubersite.com/m/45797). It's a nice exercise, trying to convey story with only dialogue. I'm guessing that you didn't have a concrete idea of what crime this pair has just committed, and that the people they are waiting for are not the cops, but accomplices or acquaintances of some sort.
Am I anywhere near right? The cool thing is that this type of writing can lead to interpretations the author never admitted, so even if I'm wrong, I'd call this piece a success.
Amazing how boredom can lead to good writing.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-08-26 17:57:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The retrolution continues.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-08-26 17:12:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Frank and his retarded partner in crime Jerry have just robbed a gas station and are waiting for the cops so they can go out in a blaze of glory?
But what led to the decision to wait instead of flee? It's hard to reconcile that with them hoping the cops won't arrive for a long time.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2008-08-26 16:56:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Heh, spedmonkey post, been awhile.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-08-26 16:55:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2008-08-26 16:10:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Another "aspiring writer" that works at the Gap and read Samuel Beckett in high school."
I don't really know who the author of this remark is, so I won't be too terribly brash, but this sort of statement bugs the shit out of me. It's bigger for a person to write than to go about life acting like a tool with no concept of creativity. I'm content reading shit. It's better than nothing.
--
Well, the last two sentences sure do explain why you spend time reading this site.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-08-26 16:35:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2008-08-26 16:10:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Another "aspiring writer" that works at the Gap and read Samuel Beckett in high school."
I don't really know who the author of this remark is, so I won't be too terribly brash, but this sort of statement bugs the shit out of me. It's bigger for a person to write than to go about life acting like a tool with no concept of creativity. I'm content reading shit. It's better than nothing.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-08-26 16:07:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Pretty amusing movie...This post? Not so much.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-08-26 15:44:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2008-08-26 15:22:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Meh. I was bored. Don't read too much into it.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-08-26 15:09:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Another "aspiring writer" that works at the Gap and read Samuel Beckett in high school.
Submitted by InkyFingers (user info) at 2008-08-26 15:08:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
OMG! It's the lost chapter from Of Mice & Men!
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-08-26 14:48:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All that waiting for nothing.
(Alter above)
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-08-26 14:47:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Frank reminds me of that little dog that used to jump around the bulldog Spike on Looney Tunes.
thats a tweaky motherfucker.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2008-08-26 14:46:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are they ghey menz? Welcome back, I just returned after a two-year hiatus as well.