Tact. Apparently I have none. (832 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.27 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Brian Johns (View user info) at 2008-08-26 18:18:51 EDT
Masturbation is completely normal. How many times have you read that? A lot, I'm sure. You've read is back in Grade 8 sex ed. You've read it in Cosmo, Maxim, Esquire, Men's Health. Women's Health and maybe even Dog's Health. And we've all heard the phrase "everyone does it". I heard that phrase recently come out of my girlfriend's mouth. What I didn't hear (because she didn't say it even though "I should have known") is that I should not use that statement to extrapolate the idea that she frequently masturbates and then proceed to share that with a table of her work colleagues.
No, I'm not kidding. It all started when she and two friends were sitting in the kitchen talking while I was in the adjoining living room watching TV. I guess one of her friends had walked in on her boyfriend masturbating and she was concerned about it. To their credit, my girlfriend and the other girl defended the poor guy. In fact, my girlfriend was the one that said "everyone does it". At this point I switched off the TV and joined the conversation, interested. We basically had a discussion about how most people would weird out when you asked them if they masturbated or when the last time was. Most people prefer not to discuss it, even though they feel it is normal. The consensus seemed to be (keep this in mind for later) that we shouldn't be ashamed of something so natural and common.
Fast forward to about a week later. I'm at a dinner that my girlfriend's company was having to celebrate some milestone or something. "Significant others" were invited, so I decided to take up the free meal. The table we were sitting at was largely younger people and they were all pretty cool. Luckily for me, they didn't just talk about work, so we actually got to have some interesting conversations, which eventually moved to the subject of sex.
One of her male colleagues, a rather unfortunately looking guy that needed to drop 50 pounds, made a comment about not having sex for a long time with anyone except "Palmela Handerson" (holding up his hand for unnecessary emphasis). Not wanting the guy to feel bad, I remember the conversation a week before and brought up the fact that "everyone does it, including (my girlfriend)".
Bad idea jeans. The whole table went silent and everyone was looking at me, including my girlfriend. I started to defend myself by bringing up the conversation we had a week ago, but was cut off by a dagger of a stare from my girlfriend.
As you can imagine, the car ride home wasn't very fun. It basically went something liek this:
Me - "But you said it was normal"
Her - "That was private! You don't bring that up in public. You should have known better"
Me - "Yeah, but you said that people shouldn't be ashamed of it"
Her - "I'm ashamed to be dating you right now. You have no tact."
Me - "Why? I specifically remember you saying people should not shy away from talking about it in public"
Her - "Yes, but not with the people I WORK with"
Me - (now trying not to laugh) "Why? Are they not your friends? Are you not getting along with the people you work with" Maybe it's because you're too tense and need to mast..."
Her - "Just SHUT UP! You're going to be masturbating a lot for a long time after tonight"
At this point I stopped digging. And, yes, I did have to resort to self gratification for a about a week. But eventually all was forgiven and I learned my lesson. And that lesson wasn't "Don't talk about masturbation". It was "Don't use your girlfriend as an example to prove a point, especially a controversial one".
User Reviews
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-08-28 10:16:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I was wondering how this was rated so high...
I just scanned the reviewers. It all makes sense...retarded confuseded sense.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-08-28 09:53:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-08-27 21:24:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-08-27 21:17:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tries really hard to hate, below.
Submitted by JoeAverage (user info) at 2008-08-27 20:45:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Writing skills. Apparently you have none.
Somehow you managed to make your girlfriend masturbating boring. Congratulations asshole. She probably has to masturbate because your limp noodle dick can't get the job done. I would tell you to send her over to my house but I bet she's probably ugly . . . and I don't do fat chicks.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-08-27 17:32:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i masturbate so much, often, when it comes to doing the real thing, i complain of being too sore.
which is kinda good cos then he will go down on me to be gentle then pound me hard with his cock for being a dirty bitch.
man, i love porn.
Submitted by lotuseater (user info) at 2008-08-27 17:21:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What did you really think was going to happen when you brought up your girlfriend's private habits to a bunch of her coworkers, particularly after a creepy fat guy made a creepy fat guy comment? If it was anything other than "She's going to be embarrassed and probably break my neck," that makes you a retard.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-08-27 13:33:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-08-27 08:42:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It never ceases to amaze me how open men are about firing off their knuckle children.
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Knuckle children is one of my favorite terms.
Skrapmetal is troof.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-08-27 12:30:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was very poorly written but anything to do with sex on uber gets above-average ratings =(
My girlfriend of over a year caught me rubbing one out earlier this week. At least it was "normal" porn. I asked her what she'd do if a picture of one of her family members had been up on the screen. Never did finish what I'd started.
Submitted by kgbpasha (user info) at 2008-08-27 12:07:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm assuming you're g-friend is hot.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-08-27 12:05:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-08-27 09:22:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-08-27 00:29:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I like SO triple dog, no backsies, dare Doodles to write something besides asinine mind raping shit for like...oh once! Like OH EM GEE.
Seriously, I double times triple dog dare you to scratch the sand out of your gaping gash once you get that chlamydia out from under your nails...(the doctors were impressed, but the novelty's worn off)
---
THe second part of your review was incoherent tubgirl-san.
However
http://www.ubersite.com/m/115648 if that isn't funny then you don't have a sense of humor.
Honestly some of my middle posts were decent, but I don't feel like putting any effort into uber.
_______________________________________________
I don't know who the fuck you were talking about in your post. Deduced after a few sloppy sentence it didn't matter, anyway.
I wasn't talking about effort, Doodlebaby.
You just repeat -san after everything you say to me; illustrating my point (you're retarded and redundant...). You're a woman, so I'll forgive your lack of brain and spastic thought process.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-08-27 11:58:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha, you asshole. This is why I don't hang out socially with work people. Well, this, and the fact that they're all hateful dried-up cunts.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-08-27 09:22:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-08-27 00:29:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I like SO triple dog, no backsies, dare Doodles to write something besides asinine mind raping shit for like...oh once! Like OH EM GEE.
Seriously, I double times triple dog dare you to scratch the sand out of your gaping gash once you get that chlamydia out from under your nails...(the doctors were impressed, but the novelty's worn off)
---
THe second part of your review was incoherent tubgirl-san.
However
http://www.ubersite.com/m/115648 if that isn't funny then you don't have a sense of humor.
Honestly some of my middle posts were decent, but I don't feel like putting any effort into uber.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-08-27 09:10:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want Uber to have more stories like this.
-P
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-08-27 08:42:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It never ceases to amaze me how open men are about firing off their knuckle children.
Submitted by cat_head (user info) at 2008-08-27 06:03:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You are a boring person.
Submitted by Dextreme (user info) at 2008-08-27 06:02:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-08-27 05:53:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always believed that women masturbate more than men.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-08-27 04:44:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I <3 wanking.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-08-27 02:44:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Skraps' comment: Gold
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-08-27 00:47:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But eventually all was forgiven and I learned my lesson. And that lesson wasn't "Don't talk about masturbation". It was "Don't use your girlfriend as an example to prove a point, especially a controversial one".
Congratulations, Einstein.
Submitted by bugblender (user info) at 2008-08-27 00:46:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Eh. Get to the point a little earlier please.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-08-27 00:30:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-08-27 00:29:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I like SO triple dog, no backsies, dare Doodles to write something besides asinine mind raping shit for like...oh once! Like OH EM GEE.
Seriously, I double times triple dog dare you to scratch the sand out of your gaping gash once you get that chlamydia out from under your nails...(the doctors were impressed, but the novelty's worn off)
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-08-26 22:31:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
blinkish sighting below.
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2008-08-26 22:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My friends and I will totally own up to masterbating.
I will tell them, girl or guy, that I'm late cause I had to finish up. You know when you have like 20 minutes to kill .... ends up taking like 30 .... no big deal with us.
I have no idea why people get so hung up on sex.
But I have to say, talking abot it with her co-workers is a bad idea, the key with work related events is professionalism. You can't take a boss/manager seriously if you're wondering why they took so long in the bathroom last time.
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-08-26 22:21:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Doodles told me that she wanted to eat my cock.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-08-26 20:40:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Retard below.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-08-26 20:23:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I recently learned that not all women can get...uh. . . prepared well enough before sex...
no story i want to tell, just a tactless awkward situation; which cemented my notion that all women have bat shit for brains.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-08-26 20:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She is a hypocrite
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-08-26 19:20:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How dare you assume I've read any of those periodicals.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-08-26 19:05:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
See, if your girlfriend tells you that you're not getting any pussy for a while, what she means is that she's not giving you any pussy for a while. She may be under the misapprehension that her statement means that you're not getting any pussy at all for a while, but what it really should mean to you is you'll have to go elsewhere for your pussy for a while. Unless she keeps your junk in her purse, that is. This is your opportunity to determine through experimentation whether it's your relationship as a whole or your relationship to her hole that keeps you together. Step away from the whip and go get some strange.
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2008-08-26 19:02:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hm. Badly written, poor grammar, not a particularly unique topic or punch line or point, but you did:
-make an allusion to the SNL skit "Bad Idea Jeans"
(http://www.hulu.com/watch/10310/saturday-night-live-bad-idea-jeans)
-open the potential conversation of words like "tact" being relative to the perspective of the user
-learn an important lesson about women, namely, "you lose, always".
FYI: I masturbated once this morning before work, and am masturbating for a third time today right now while I +2 you in the virtual ass. The second time was in the bathroom at work around 11:30.
That's the great thing about masturbation, you can get it whenever you want it. If you want it bad enough.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2008-08-26 18:57:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I masturbated thinking about your description of your girlfriend's personality.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-08-26 18:40:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are kind of a pussy.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-08-26 18:26:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maethod's Mom masturbates. With the penises of the New York Knicks.