SPT - Five Questions for Karma (1045 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.54 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Grimm <--grimmguy747.at.gmail--> (View user info) at 2008-09-04 10:42:33 EDT
Five Questions For Karma
1. I'm on the soup diet. This is a diet I invented. It goes like this: Have either breakfast or lunch, never both, never anything too heavy. 6 nights a week, dinner is a can of soup. The other night I can order out something. Zero other food. So far this diet has lost me almost 15 pounds in a month. My question: I went 72 hours without shitting so much as a corn kernel, and I lost 2 pounds in that time - Does that mean there is no waste? Was everything used? That doesn't seem right to me.
2. In the past month I have been propositioned by two different married women for a discreet 'get-together'. I have a long sexual history with both of them before they got hitched. It's not hard to choose between them - one has two kids and the other one likes nipple clamps - no contest there. But I've never really been down on the whole adultery thing. Sure, I can make the argument of your marriage, your problem. But I know that what goes around comes around, have seen it way too many times not to believe it. My question: If I go ahead with it, what kind of punishment am I looking at? Is it a flat tire at three in the morning in a bad part of town when I'm not wearing any pants? Or is it something worse, like having a dream about eating sausage and waking up with my own dick in my mouth, unable to ever eat sausage again?
3. There's a new guy at work and he's got this problem. Whenever you're done talking to him, he stands there for ten seconds too long, staring, nodding, and smiling. His eyes stay locked on you as you stand there stupidly, waiting for him to walk away. Everyone in the office has noticed it. It's fucking creepy. My question: Can I punch this dumb asshole
in the dick the next time he does it? Because that would feel really good. The punch. Not the dick.
4. I've agreed to be "just friends" with a hot chick. You know what that means. It's like she might as well just say "I can do way better than you, but feel free to hang around and worship me with no touching." Which is exactly what I've been doing. But every time I see her my not-so-secret crush on her gets worse and worse. So I'm thinking the only solution is to bang her once, get it out of my system. And I imagine the only way she'll agree to it is if I pay her. And I'm happy to pay, but anything over a thousand bucks and I gotta take a loan out. My question: On the bank loan application, under "Reason for Loan", is it ok if I write "Because she won't sleep with me otherwise", or should I dress it up a little and say "Payment for Biological Services to be Rendered?"
5. The morning hardons are getting worse and worse lately. The other day I was having a dream about flying a remote controlled helicopter. You know, those $14.99 pieces of shit that break after a week? Yeah, I swear to God I wake up from that dream with a dick that could knock down a motherfucking palm tree with no more than two mighty thwacks. My question: Does my subconscious want to fuck the foam helicopter, the plastic remote, or the sky itself?
User Reviews
Submitted by angrydrunk86 (user info) at 2008-09-07 11:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
anything over a thousand is to much thats why the good lord invented alcohol you'll spend $40 dollars getting your hot friend fucked up so bad she'll sleep with you no problem. or pass out and not remember a thing. (not like i've done that before)
Submitted by dohnuts (user info) at 2008-09-05 15:17:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Quality!
Submitted by jtrujillo34 (user info) at 2008-09-05 14:18:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1. Your an idiot and you need to learn about proper nutrition. I used to be fat, I know all about this shit. All else fails smoke crack for a couple months.
2. Get them both at the same time. Naturally they will compete for you who knows what could happen.
3. sword fight first, then punch.
4. one word. Ruffy. you probably already tried that but your such a piece of shit that did'nt even work.
5. You need a chick. Your in desperate need of help son. Are you sure your not gay?
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2008-09-05 13:23:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-09-05 09:43:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're on the pill?
"I can personally guarantee you a delicious, home-cooked meal followed by up to eleven seconds of aggressive lovemaking. (Having sex with me is like a fight with Tyson in his prime: It won't last that long, but afterwards you'll be unconscious.)"
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-09-05 08:19:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a lot less since I started taking the Pill
Submitted by Aadarm (user info) at 2008-09-05 03:00:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jeanneee, how many children have you aborted while they slide out that gaping twat of yours and end up getting smashed by those massive thighs of you have? It's a crime against humanity really...
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-09-05 01:51:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read the 3rd one out-loud at my contract today.
You made some advertising nerds giggle.
Nice work.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-09-05 00:57:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2008-09-04 10:08:56 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-09-04 12:57:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
_________________
I bet you can relate to #4 - from the other side of things.
==========
yeah. sometimes they just can't do it.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2008-09-04 22:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck the sky indeed
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2008-09-04 22:47:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The last two were great.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-09-04 20:51:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-09-04 19:39:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
remember - rape is the answer to everything.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-09-04 19:07:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Aadarm (user info) at 2008-09-04 18:25:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You just love it when he gets morning wood because it's the only time anyone can ever achieve an erection around you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LMAO TOTALLY DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMIN Y'ALL
GTFO alter pussy. It's been done better by better.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-09-04 18:57:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-09-04 12:11:45 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hgxvb g ffg hf dh jsfjgfjg
--------
Admit it. You're typing on a Dvorak keyboard.
Submitted by Aadarm (user info) at 2008-09-04 18:25:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You just love it when he gets morning wood because it's the only time anyone can ever achieve an erection around you.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-09-04 17:48:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Morning wood is the greatest thing ever. My boyfriend wakes up with it every single day. A couple of days ago he woke up with a huge one and I asked him what he was dreaming about and he said "drums." True story.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-09-04 17:07:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
dgfdfdffdg gggr weflih
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-09-04 15:11:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hgxvb g ffg hf dh jsfjgfjg
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2008-09-04 15:00:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sensible advice from Method and X-15 below.
Submitted by TheBrad (user info) at 2008-09-04 14:52:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-09-04 07:47:39 PDT (#)
Ranking: 1
im starting that diet...
pie counts as soup right??
_______
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-09-04 13:30:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a good read. I laughed the whole way through.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2008-09-04 13:08:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-09-04 12:57:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
_________________
I bet you can relate to #4 - from the other side of things.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2008-09-04 13:08:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Karma sucks too.
Submitted by Aadarm (user info) at 2008-09-04 13:08:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed at a few parts.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-09-04 12:57:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-09-04 12:56:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-09-04 12:53:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-09-04 12:48:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-09-04 11:58:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the way that the main concern about waking up with your dick in your mouth after a dream about eating sausage is that you may not be able to eat sausage again. We will bypass the bit where they cut your dick off I guess.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2008-09-04 11:53:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-09-04 11:41:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Hi! You've reached the Karma residence. We're not home right now, so leave a message and we'll call you as soon as we can.
And, um, if this is Grimm again, we just wanted to let you know that we've contacted our lawyer about your calls and the restraining order. Please stop calling."
*Beep*
_________________________
I KNOW you're in there!! Pick up the phone, for fucks sake!!
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-09-04 11:41:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Hi! You've reached the Karma residence. We're not home right now, so leave a message and we'll call you as soon as we can.
And, um, if this is Grimm again, we just wanted to let you know that we've contacted our lawyer about your calls and the restraining order. Please stop calling."
*Beep*
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-09-04 11:33:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1. The sodium is drying you the fuck out. Seriously, it's like 800mg of sodium in every spoonful of canned soup. You're going to die if you don't stop.
2. Marriage is a farce. It's an archaic principle that has no place in modern society. Fuck whoever you want. Just wrap it before you tap it.
3. When the conversation is over, simply turn your back. Some people just have poor social or conversational skills. By turning your back you're training him to recognize when his presence is no longer needed, thereby establishing your dominance over him while also preparing him for future encounters with others.
4. X54's right. Rape. But booze her up good and make it date rape so your conscience is a little clearer. More "flat tire" than "dick in my mouth".
5. The picture says it all. In fact, if I ever win the lottery, I plan to celebrate by ejaculating on the sky.
Submitted by therealgeddylee (user info) at 2008-09-04 11:15:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was awesome. Lately I've been experiencing #5 on almost a daily basis. Fortunately, I live in Florida surrounded by palm trees and the ability to cut them down at will with my mammoth erection is something I consider myself proud of.
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-09-04 11:08:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to post every day.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-09-04 11:01:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1. It means you are more full of shit than ever.
2. You'll only be punished if the husband finds out. We all know THAT never happens, so go for it.
3. Of course you should punch him in the dick. That's what he's after. He's probably wondering, "What's wrong with these people? Do I have to come right out and say it?"
4. The answer here is obvious: rape.
5. Buy a helicopter, spin the rotor up as fast as it'll go and stick your dick in it. Problem solved.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-09-04 10:58:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-09-04 10:57:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I get bad periods of morning wood. Has nothing to do with dreams.
Normally I can get away with the superman piss in the morning, somtimes I will make sweet sweet fuck with my wife or just rub one out to start the day.
Submitted by TheGoat (user info) at 2008-09-04 10:52:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
haha. can't remember the last time i dreamt about flying (or fucking) a helicopter,but if i do have that dream i'll look out for the hardon.
Submitted by bullslinebacker (user info) at 2008-09-04 10:48:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2008-09-04 10:47:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-09-04 10:47:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
im starting that diet...
pie counts as soup right??
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-09-04 10:45:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
oh...no filename about fucking hilarity this time through?
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-09-04 10:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You need a girlfriend, most of these problems will go away if you get one, I'm sure