Blasted Germans... (1031 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.77 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by sage104 (View user info) at 2008-09-04 12:10:12 EDT
Aaaahhh, Germans. Gotta love 'em, right? Not so much, well, at least not THIS German. I saw him the other day, at the place we first met, but I quickly turned my head hoping he wouldn't notice me. Suddenly though, a flood of memories came back from a few months ago when we had met and had what could have been a fun time, but it turned out to be not fun. Not for me, at least.
We met one Saturday at a bar. He was telling me he wanted to hang out with me and take me to a wedding with him and go camping over Memorial Day weekend and be his date for July 4th (internally, I was hyperventilating, but I was like, "ok, sure!!" on the outside). Anyway, we hooked up. It was drunk sex...so close to being satisfying, but yet so far from it. He has a giant Boxer dog that was sweet, but slobbery. He cuddled with me all night (the dog did). But then he punched me in the stomach the next morning (also the dog). And he broke my bra...he literally chewed it in half. That was interesting...trying to put on a broken, slobbery bra the next morning. I mean, it was already awkward. At least I got a Starbucks Chai out of the deal.
Anyway he texted me a couple nights later, and I was a little bit mean to him, as I am with all my men in the beginning. (Saves 'em from saying "but you're not like you were in the beginning!" Cause from the beginning, I'm kind of a crazy dramatic bitch. Hey—at least I'm not clingy.) We were making small, "text"-talk, and then he said, "So when's our next rendezvous?" to which I replied, "I have no idea. I don't usually have time for randomness, so you might want to find another buddy". About 45 minutes later, he texted me back, saying simply "Ok." That's when I felt bad. I said, "That was kind of harsh of me. Don't get me wrong, I had a great time and I'd like to do it again. I mean, what do you what, just sex? I could be fine with that" and then he said he didn't know what he wanted but that he wanted to see me again, and then I was telling him I have a lot going on with working overtime and school and that I'm applying to med school programs in the fall and that I'm just tired and that I don't want to play dumb games and I want someone to be real and understand my schedule (gasping for air). He replied, "No problem, just come see me sometime this week." I was shocked that he was so cool about my weirdo-crazy behavior, so I responded, "Ok, I can do that", and we set something up for the next night.
I didn't know what to expect when seeing him again, but I did have one expectation—sex. Did that expectation get met? NO. It did not. Honestly, the perfect evening would have gone a little something like this: I walk into his house; he gives me a hug and a kiss. Maybe bites my lip a little bit. He offers me something to drink, and we sit in his living room and talk about things like the weather and the Red Sox and his dog. Then, his roommate becomes sleepy and decides to go to bed. He turns on a movie, maybe a drama...but hell, it doesn't matter. He asks if I've ever seen the movie before, and before I can answer, he kisses me. Before I know it, he pulls me onto his lap and we start making out, and then WE decide to go to bed, and it's GOOD.
Afterward, we fall asleep, and after about an hour or two, I get up and leave, with him still sleeping. I wake up in my own bed and go to work like normal, except maybe a little smugger, a little happier, a little more relaxed. But no. That's not how it happened at all. Things didn't go so well the second time I hung out with the Secure German. Remember...his dog broke my bra the first time we hung out. So earlier that day, I stopped by Victoria's Secret to get a sexy little black lace bra and underwear set. I'd even taken the time to primp and get all soft and smelling good just for the occasion!! But the entire evening was one giant disappointment. I went over there and we talked, and he showed me pictures of his family, and all he wanted to do was snuggle. God I hate snuggling. It's too personal and it was too early for that, and I felt claustrophobic and bored the whole night.
I ended up staying there until about quarter till two in the morning, when I abruptly looked at my watch (ok, it was my cell phone), realized that sex was never going to happen, and said, "Wow, its 2 am. I really gotta go to sleep...I have to work at 8 in the morning." He had JUST pulled out his family pictures, too. It was horrible. He got all bitter and said "fine you don't have to look at the pictures then, you probably don't want to see them anyway," to which I replied, "No no no...you can show me next time, ok? I just gotta get up early," all while packing my things, getting on my shoes and applying lip balm, simultaneously standing up and attempting to bolt for the door. He walked me to the door, and asked me where I was parked, and I pointed to my car RIGHT as he tried to kiss me. He missed. Then he tried to kiss me again...and I gave him a little, half-hearted peck and said, "I just put on lip gloss...but hey...it looks good on you, haha!!" And THEN!!!!!! He said, "I'll see you tomorrow, babe. Bye!!" In my mind, I was thinking, "TOMORROW??????? WHAT THE HELL??" But I'm an idiot, so I said, "Ok, but YOU call ME!" You know, 'cause I'm coy like that. Or whatever.
And call me, he did. Well, maybe he didn't CALL me. He texted me. I hate texting, by the way, but its way better than actually talking on the phone, which I do very little of. I told him I had to study, and he said "no coming out to play until you finish all your homework". I said, "That's a fair and true statement. But are you going to be too tired to play if I come over around 8:30?" And all he said back was, "that's fine." So I thought I'd give it another go, maybe that night I'd actually get some. I was partially right.
I have this thing about oral sex, and I told the German about it. It's all fine and dandy, when I'M the one doing it to a guy...I'm damn good at it, and I actually enjoy it. But it never, ever, ever, EVER!! works when I'm on the receiving end. I get all hot and bothered but I can't climax. It just doesn't work for me for whatever reason. Interestingly (actually it's not that interesting), most guys find my aversion to receiving oral sex as a challenge. They assume that my previous paramours have just been less talented than they are, and presume that they will (can?) be the one to make it a magical experience for me. But they're wrong; they're ALL wrong.
The German was wrong. He tried. He gave it a valiant effort, but just like every other time, it just didn't come (no pun intended). He asked—during, mind you—"is it going to happen?" I said, "no, it's just not. Hate to say I told you so!" So, we started to get busy, and it was literally like 2.358 minutes, and he just got overly excited and was finished. I think that night was even more frustrating than the night before. "I haven't had sober sex in such a long time..." was his excuse. Well lah-dee-dah. Is that supposed to matter? I don't give a crap, dude. If you can't make it happen the first "sober" time, I doubt it'll ever happen. I ended up just leaving afterward...what the hell is the point in staying, anyway? I was wide awake and thoroughly frustrated, and I was not about to deal with a giant dog punching me in the stomach and eating my underwear.
Whatever. I have a three-strikes-you're-out rule, which was fitting for the German, actually, because he used to play baseball and he's actually on a club softball team. He even has a baseball story written about him by his sister in one of the Chicken Soup books. I should know—he made me read it the second night we hung out. I did give him one more chance to redeem himself...the third strike...and he STILL couldn't make it happen. I really couldn't care less. Like I said, I was only partially right about "getting some" with him anyway. So I guess I have to move onward and upward to other people and other things. Wish me luck.
User Reviews
Submitted by John_H_Kim (user info) at 2008-09-24 21:56:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was kind of fun... the suggestion of hyperventilating made me read this faster and faster...
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-09-12 15:12:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-09-04 14:48:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Question for the men (or boys, as it were): is there really even such a thing as a bad blow job? Do they actually exist?
____________________
REALLY?
cuddling with strangers is creepy
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-09-11 22:43:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ass, two below.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-09-11 13:10:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Not impressed. Not surprised.
Submitted by Garrik (user info) at 2008-09-11 12:43:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Slut below.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-09-11 09:41:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gotta say...I was waiting for SOMEONE to throw the "slut" bomb down.
Actually, I'm far from it, thanks. :)
Submitted by phuchuebuddy (user info) at 2008-09-09 11:16:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Slut
Submitted by dohnuts (user info) at 2008-09-05 11:41:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This was most boring and trite. http://www.blogspot.com useless
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-09-04 17:06:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
im never gonna read this but so accept my +2
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-09-04 15:58:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-09-04 14:48:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Question for the men (or boys, as it were): is there really even such a thing as a bad blow job? Do they actually exist?
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See: I can't cum with a blowjob. I'll cum if you let me face fuck you to climax, but I won't with just the blowjob. So... I actually think that all BJ's are of inferior quality.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-09-04 14:48:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Question for the men (or boys, as it were): is there really even such a thing as a bad blow job? Do they actually exist?
Submitted by Garrik (user info) at 2008-09-04 14:41:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Huh. Turns out this 'sage' person is really just a shitty alter.
WHO KNEW!?
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-09-04 14:34:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I turn atheists into believers.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-09-04 14:32:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So, when are you gonna blow Shlongy?
I'LL be the judge of whether or not you're any good at it.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-09-04 14:31:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll admit, I'm no Don Juan, but that's not totally uncharted territory there, Sweetheart.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-09-04 14:25:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bwaaaahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
Lots of funny stuff below...particularly the "ploy" comment, X54. Most people like a challenge--to prove they're the best...especially if it's uncharted territory of sorts.
Garrik aka OathMeal aka Ginger...why the blast? I prefer anonymity. If I wanted to be associated with said individuals I would have called myself out. Seriously? Seriously.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-09-04 14:15:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's a pretty good ploy, actually. I think I'll try it: "Sorry, Babe. I don't like blowjobs. You can suck my dick all you want; I don't care how good you are at it, you'll never make me cum. No girl can."
Submitted by Garrik (user info) at 2008-09-04 14:04:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
sage, I'm OathMeal. That's Oatmeal with an 'H' in case you're an idiot (which I'm betting you are).
Again, tell your boyfriend Sicosemen to go get raped by a flagpole.
And Scourge...what hasn't been said about you on Ubersite that ISN'T true? You only chide me for recycling insults because they're ACCURATE not because they're old.
Age and use doesn't change truth. You're a fat nobody. That's not changing.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-09-04 14:03:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Garrik aka Oathmeal...gotcha.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-09-04 13:54:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-09-04 13:52:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is like, the most amusing thing in the world to me that people think I'm an alter. What do I have to do, write "Sage Loves Uber" on my stomach, take a picture of it with my cell phone and post it as a camwhore like, now?
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it was a joke Method relax!
dont sweat it people always think new people are alters. Most of these cynical motherfuckers probobly still think Im an alter and I've been here more than a year.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-09-04 13:52:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is like, the most amusing thing in the world to me that people think I'm an alter. What do I have to do, write "Sage Loves Uber" on my stomach, take a picture of it with my cell phone and post it as a camwhore like, now?
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-09-04 13:47:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-09-04 13:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
See?? Every guy thinks its a challenge...it's REALLY not...you would ALL be wrong, just like the rest of them.
And yes, I'm female. Maybe one of these days I'll post a camwhore, but I'm undecided as of yet.
==============================
oh come on, we've already seen the various camwhores, Method.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-09-04 13:44:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wasn't aware that Germans even had sex.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-09-04 13:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
See?? Every guy thinks its a challenge...it's REALLY not...you would ALL be wrong, just like the rest of them.
And yes, I'm female. Maybe one of these days I'll post a camwhore, but I'm undecided as of yet.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-09-04 13:38:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Garrik...who the hell are you? Do I know you?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-09-04 13:24:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
ummm...i'm sorry but as i called you a 'faggot' in my first response to you, it's incumbent upon you to use a different insulting name to keep this interesting.
and then you used the stalker thing too! i referenced your emailing me, and then you glommed onto that.
if you can't keep this fresh, there's really no reason to go any further, you pathetic pile of shit.
Submitted by Garrik (user info) at 2008-09-04 13:19:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I only switch it up to keep faggots like you from being able to keep meticulous track of my activity here.
Makes sense when you think about it. Of all my fans, YOU are the one most capable of snapping and hunting me down.
Probably because you're too FAT to do anything else with your free time.
Fucking psycho. I wonder if your ugly wife has any clue as to the sickening pool of uberuser's personal information you drool over.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-09-04 13:13:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you miss out on so much when you're away from uber for a month or so having a life.
gingeroo's latest account is 'Garrik'
i'll try to remember, buddy. how many did you go through while i was gone? and why no cryptic or threatening emails? you're really dropping the ball, faggot.
Submitted by Garrik (user info) at 2008-09-04 13:07:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Don't listen to Scourge.
He's fat, stuck in a failing marriage and jealous of your writing ability.
I, on the other hand, am -2ing this because of your connection to Sicosemen. Tell him he needs to take a fucking bath and go back to college.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-09-04 13:06:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I often wonder if my exes bash the hell out of me behind my back. Stupid whores.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-09-04 13:04:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
thanks a lot, bitch.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-09-04 13:04:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
fuck you
fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you
this mindless blathering you've vomited onto my site has TOTALLY put me off of my latest resolve to not harbour nasty thoughts and speak cruelly towards the humans.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2008-09-04 12:45:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dude sounds like a toooool
Submitted by Vikesh10 (user info) at 2008-09-04 12:33:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
uhhh ... what a fucking bitch you are
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-09-04 12:26:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-09-04 12:22:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-09-04 12:19:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait you're a chick?
Blogtastic!
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Nooo... wait... is he? I read this with the thought in mind Sage was a lip-balm wearing fairy.
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ohhh squirrelly you naughty little minx you.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-09-04 12:23:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh, and Im pretty sure I could make it happen BETTER than FJ.
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-09-04 12:22:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-09-04 12:19:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait you're a chick?
Blogtastic!
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Nooo... wait... is he? I read this with the thought in mind Sage was a lip-balm wearing fairy.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-09-04 12:19:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait you're a chick?
Blogtastic!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-09-04 12:18:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I found this rather arousing.
And I could DEFINITELY make it happen with the oral thing - or your money back.
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-09-04 12:18:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You try so hard... kudos for coming back here after all the negative ratings!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-09-04 12:15:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
http://www.ubersite.com/m/117674 etc
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-09-04 12:14:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
go read some of Spam's posts for how to do this please
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-09-04 12:14:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
bleugh