HATEMADNESS: Jack_McCallum (843 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.66 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Writer Formerly Known as Yozz (View user info) at 2008-09-09 18:06:37 EDT
Re: http://www.ubersite.com/m/118446
I am constantly reveling at the way life works sometimes. The strange and weird happens all too often. I subscribe to Hawking's view that "Not only does God definitely play dice, but He sometimes confuses us by throwing them where they can't be seen." You see, before today no one here knew that I have known "Jack McCallum" for a LONG time - he was the one to get me involved with Übersite to begin with. So, I just have to giggle like a schoolgirl at the serendipity of having been paired with Jack on this HATEMADNESS THING and the opportunity to air some of Jack's dirty laundry on this internet backwater.
Another thing the fine folks at Uber didn't know before today is that I work for Xlibris Corporation - the company that published Jack's first book. Specifically, I am an Assistant Editor. If you would like an example of my work, see http://www.ubersite.com/m/111701. That is how I met Jack. And that is how Jack got my e-mail address and phone number. And that is why I have been on Jack's spam e-mail distribution list for what seems like an eternity now. You would not BELIEVE some of the shit I get from him - applications to join hate groups, nonsensical political ramblings and hard-core man on boy porn. But that, as they say, is another story.
What I wanted to tell you is the story of Jack's next book. I'm sure it will probably come as no surprise to anyone on Ubersite that Jack McCallum has been working on his second book since his first was published almost seven years ago. I am only tangentially involved in the project - I am not part of the editors group assigned to "His Majesty Mr. McCallum" (Jack requires that everyone at Xlibris to address him in this manner even though its stupid and we all know his real name). However, we all talk. Especially about "Jack McCat-herder." Some days Jack's antics (and endless e-mails) is all we have to get us through our fairly boring existence. In fact, I keep a copy of the sixteenth draft of his yet to be titled opus on my desk to get me through the tough times - and I would like to share some of the comments made by one of our Senior Editors therein. By the way, the project is currently on draft #37 and there is no end in sight - the crazed scribblings we receive are getting harder and harder to decipher. As a side note, I have no idea where Jack is getting the stuff he puts on Übersite. I can't imagine that those submissions are from the same person who cannot string together two coherent sentences for a work to be published.
Anyway, without further ado, I hope you enjoy reading the comments below as much as I do. -Yozz
"Your Majesty, use of the term "nigger" can be effective in some contexts. However, it feels a bit overused here. Especially in light of the fact that this entire short story is about an alien race that has never been to Earth - how would they know that word and why would they keep using to reference every other species in the universe other than themselves?"
"Your Majesty, in the future please make an effort to clean all of the cat hair off of the drafts before you submit them for review. I am allergic to it and cannot stop sneezing from the moment the UPS guy walks in with your package."
"I consider it an honor that you would use me as one of the characters in this story, but I would consider it a personal favor if you deleted the constant conversations among the other regarding my "really huge rack." Also, I don't think your readers are interested in the fact that you masturbate at work with your blackberry."
"Is this story some sort of prank? Do you really expect us to pass off a list of 532 derogatory names for Chinese people as a 'story'?"
"Given the fact that you have lived in the Bay area for years, I would have thought you would be at least accepting of the position that homosexuals are, in fact, human beings."
"Please note that if you insist on inclusion of this story it is highly likely your book will be banned from sale in Germany - they do not permit the sale of any work that idolizes Adolf Hitler."
Your Highness, anyone who has a passing knowledge of pop culture will recognize that the characters and setting for this story were lifted, almost verbatim, from the movie "The Big Lebowski." I have attached an indemnification agreement that protects Xlibris from any claims of intellectual property infringement. Please review and sign it at your earliest convenience."
"My comment on the "appropriate" use of the term "nigger" applies here as well."
"Seriously, Jack, I am growing concerned about your well-being as I am starting to get the impression that your fiction is actually a memoir of sorts. If you are comfortable with the idea, I have a list of psychiatrists that are all top-notch. Just let me know."
User Reviews
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-09-16 17:06:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-09-16 16:55:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Retaliating douchebag, below.
Submitted by Glenn. (user info) at 2008-09-15 21:57:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Here's my opinion:
(this sucked)
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2008-09-12 12:34:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brillo!
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2008-09-12 11:34:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everybody hates Jack. hot, steamy passion-induced hate.:-)
I loved this, btw : http://www.ubersite.com/m/118619#2779291
Way to much credit for an almost illiterate joker like me.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-09-10 14:34:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-09-10 11:10:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-09-10 10:19:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"...the crazed scribblings we receive are getting harder and harder to decipher."
Such an evocative line.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-09-10 09:53:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
best one yet.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-09-10 08:57:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-09-10 08:41:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gold
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-09-10 08:03:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-09-10 05:21:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice one! Laughed all the way through.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-09-10 03:44:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WOW everyones really obsessed with Jack recently (yozz not included)
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-09-10 02:04:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Har!
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2008-09-10 01:57:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sure
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-09-09 21:42:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-09-09 19:29:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hatemadness: Mccallum is such an alley-oop
======================
Dere's a man in da funny papers we all know................
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2008-09-09 19:34:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-09-09 19:29:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hatemadness: Mccallum is such an alley-oop
Submitted by Aadarm (user info) at 2008-09-09 18:54:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-09-09 18:30:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-09-09 18:17:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-09-09 18:10:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-09-09 18:10:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's the last time I keep a backup copy of my hard drive with one of those online services.
Fucking security isn't worth shit.