GrueberFest '08 FLASHEXPO: "Dancing With Thalidomide" (488 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.79 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by LittleBint (View user info) at 2008-09-19 09:22:55 EDT
David sat on his stool and stared at the beautiful blonde sitting in the corner with her fat friend. She kept glancing his way and shifting uncomfortably in her seat, David liked that. Spinning around he leant across the bar to pick up his drink; once more cursing the barman who had placed it too far from his short reach, David would kill him one day, but tonight was all about the blonde.
He turned and continued his glare. She was pretty, of that there was no doubt, and her breasts seemed to scream for release from her top, something which David was more than happy to oblige them with.
He watched as they readied themselves to leave and jumped down from his stool, rushing out of the door. He hurried around the back and hid in the shadows to wait. It didn't take long for the two friends to appear in the car park. A brief hug and a kiss on the cheek before the fat one waddled off down the road, the blonde turning to go to her car.
David licked his lips and prepared himself. She walked quickly towards him, unaware of his presence until it was too late. He grabbed the hem of her skirt and pulled her down with all his might before stabbing her behind the knee. She screamed but David shut her off quickly by jumping onto her stomach and head butting her.
She moaned slightly as blood poured from her nose. David quickly cut away her knickers and went about his business. He often wished the wonderful moment would last longer but it was not to be. Tidying himself up he stood and looked at his beautiful girl. Her head moved slightly and another moan escaped her bloodied lips, without thinking he stabbed her through the throat twisting the knife before drawing it out, watching as her last breath left her body.
Walking away he thought about paying a visit to the barman, casting it aside he climbed into his car and drove away.
WORD count 348 (including the title)
User Reviews
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-09-19 23:44:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I liked the title but not the story.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-09-19 16:45:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Heh, I personally like how you twisted the title.
I think that one or two more references to his size would have helped. I also believe that you might have needed a bit more motivation in there for the character, even if it was just a statement from him that we could interupt.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-09-19 13:37:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-09-19 16:35:30 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
far gone, on one, call me baron von marlon. One has a monacle and cigar dickiebow and longjohns
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You've been drinking too much brandy.
Or, more likely, Morgan's rum in your case.
Pass the mushrooms, Calvin.
Submitted by write-of-way (user info) at 2008-09-19 12:21:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-09-19 11:35:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
far gone, on one, call me baron von marlon. One has a monacle and cigar dickiebow and longjohns.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-09-19 11:12:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What's this have to do with Dr. Gruber?
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-09-19 10:19:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, I wasn't reprimanding you on the cheat. I was just pointing it out. It was actually an extrememly intelligent cheat, as I had to look up the word and put it in context with the story. I still think that you shot yourself in the foot by trying to make this flash fiction. I would like to read the whole thing.
I, too, always imagined that you were hot.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-09-19 10:13:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is a 'No Gain' contest sand so the cheat on the title should stand. It's still about death after all.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-09-19 10:11:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I felt let down by this. There was so much potential here, too. Maybe your story was just to big for the flash fiction. Flesh it out and post it again.
Also, you cheated on the title.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-09-19 09:51:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-09-19 09:44:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I know the 'Does his business' was a cop out but realistically how can you do rape properly in under 500 words? I know if someone was to do it to me I would be gutted if it was less than 500 words worth.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-09-19 09:42:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was just Meh then I re-read the Thalidomide in the title and said "Oh I get it"
+2
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-09-19 09:41:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was meh... not "0" meh... but meh enough not to get a 2
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-09-19 09:39:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm liking the little man idea, pretty funny. Not Gross enough though.
Needs more rape, "he does his business" or whatever you said was a real FAIL.
Sorry LB, usually like your stuff, have a weird feeling that you're a hottie too. Or at least skullfuckable.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-09-19 09:37:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
David seems a little moody