Ten Tiny True Stories (827 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.69 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <ejryuu.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2008-09-25 16:13:17 EDT
1. My biological dad used to sell my toys for drugs. I'm pretty sure he didn't beat my mother or anything, but shortly after my brother was born, she took off where we lived with my uncle for awhile. My dad didn't contact us directly at all growing up but every once in awhile, my mom would tell us that there was a good chance that he'd been in the area and watching us. News of his death reached me in the middle of highschool. He died via shotgun wound because one of his roommates went off his meds or on some other meds or something and went crazy. No love lost.
2. My 4th grade teacher, Mrs. Groettum (which sounds like scrotum when you say the misses part with it) had a weekly prize drawing every Friday afternoon. To get your name into the drawing, you had to do something fairly remarkable and then you'd get your name written on a slip of paper and tossed into a coffee can that got pulled from towards the end of the school week. I was so pissed that I couldn't win (and it wasn't for a lack of having my name in the drawing) that I decided to rig the contest and cut up a bunch of slips of paper and wrote my name on them. The odds of me winning had to be something ridiculous like 20:1 and I did indeed win. There were questions to the merit of the contest as when the remainder of the slips were emptied out into the garbage, there were a fuckton of "E.J." names all over, but I still got my candy bar.
3. I used to be a drooling kisser. It was awful. Make out sessions with my girlfriend ended with a boner and a half gallon of saliva. She never seemed to mind but I didn't realize how gross it was until much further down the road. That was the same girl that gave me head for the first time. Now she's all grown up and married one of the best basketball players on our highschool team. The only thing that makes me feel better about his superior basketball skills is that his wife sucked my dick before she sucked his.
4. One lonely winter while I was in college, I subscribed to an "adult dating" service when a friend of mine was spending his winter break with me. The goal was to find a a chick or two for both of us because he was getting engaged and I was bored with my current situation. Nothing ever came of it for that week and a half but I'll tell you what DID come - the monthly bill for over two years. Be careful what you click on in a contract or you'll be out $360 over the span of 24 months.
5. When my younger brother and I were invited to go to Wisconsin Dells with my mom, uncle and his two small children, we didn't take the "NO HITTING OTHER DRIVERS!" signs seriously in the go-kart races. The victim of our 15 and 12 year old rage was my mother. Aggressive driving got her a bruise that spanned nearly half of her entire leg. We never actually got in trouble from the folks that worked there, though and I bet if we were to go there tomorrow, the same shit would ensue.
6. My older brother Jerud and my oldest brother Joe were always at odds growing up. Jerud was the bad kid, Joe was the good one and they were separated by around 3 years of age. Jerud had a penchant when roasting marshmallows of making his completely smolderingly black and still on fire, blowing it out and then eating them. One time, 14 year old Jerud turned to show 17 year old Joe his latest pitch black flaming treat. The gooey mess on the end of his skewer slid off in a hurry and hit Joe in the eye. Jordan and I then watched Joe chase Jerud around our house for a good 5 minutes screaming "I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!" while Jerud pleaded "I'M SORRY IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!".
7. This past Friday, we celebrated "International Talk Like a Pirate Day" with a nice party filled with earrings, eye patches and smelly pirate hookers. I was either drugged or drank too fast and ended up pushing some chick to a couch, telling my girlfriend when she showed up that "Oh great, now you're here and I almost sealed the deal" and making death threats to various friends while suggesting we drink some PBR. Then I blacked out after throwing up. I don't even like PBR.
8. I once had two job interviews in one day on a snow-filled winter morning. One was in the morning at 9:00 and the other was in the late afternoon, sometime around 3:00. Since the snow was so bad and I didn't feel like dealing with traffic, I left the first job interview site to go to the next one half an hour away, stopped at the local Target, picked up a book and figured I'd read in my car in the Target parking lot for a few hours before finding the exact building I was supposed to be at. Just an hour or two before I was supposed to be walking in, I started up my car and drove the 2 miles mapquest said would take me to my destination. Couldn't find the building. Made several passes and scanned everything I could see in a 5 mile radius but could not find the address for the life of me. Since this interview was so important, I did the only thing I could think of - I lied through my teeth telling the woman on the other end that my 10 year old cousin had been in a sledding accident and I'd rushed him to the hospital since his father wasn't around. This bought me a second interview and the chance to ask for directions. In the end, I didn't get the job but it was a pretty good impromptu lie at the time, I thought.
9. I know that guys joke about being blue-balled from chicks that won't put out, but it's generally because they misread signs and just assume that the girl wants to get it on or something lame. I actually had the misfortune of being legitimately blue-balled. Things were going well while drinking and playing Operation. One thing leads to another and I'm in her bedroom in her trailer (CLASSY!) and she's got out these pink fuzzy handcuffs and is whacking me off, grinding on me and shortly after I put the condom on to dive into this bushy chick, she says she's tired and has work the next morning. "So do I!" I exclaimed. I'll never her reply as long as I live - "Why don't you go jerk off?" I rolled over and slept with the condom still on.
10. When I was in Catholic school, I didn't quite grasp the idea of urinals and flies. Like pants flies. So instead of just unzipping and going, I'd pull my little pants down to an [in]appropriate level and piss. This was always risky if someone else walked in so more times than not, I'd just go into the stalls and pee. I also had this neat game with urinals where I'd start peeing where I should and then see how far back I could walk while still arching my stream into said urinal.
User Reviews
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-09-30 13:53:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-09-29 06:17:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-09-26 10:22:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think #9 is genuinely a cause to join the "slap-a-ho" tribe...
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ugh that sentence is so annoying. While I'm not a big fan of girls who tease and don't follow through, just because she changes her mind doesn't mean she should be villified. She could've have found out that the dude's penis wasn't worth the effort. Or realised that she was drunker than she had first thought and didn't want to puke all over the guy.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-09-27 00:23:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-09-26 14:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-09-25 18:10:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shit, i still do that walk backwards thing at a urinal every so often and i'm 31 years old.
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Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-09-26 10:22:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think #9 is genuinely a cause to join the "slap-a-ho" tribe...
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2008-09-26 09:25:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You've led an exciting life.
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2008-09-26 09:16:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent!
#10 made me laugh. In elementary school there were these 3 triplet boys in my class who would always do the 'pants down to the socks' thing. Catching all three of these Pergonal-inspired mutants bellied up to the trough simultaneously was enough for me to forget about the girl who always barfed on the desk beside me - for a while.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-09-26 08:08:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-09-26 05:58:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 no 'my life has been tough' emo bullshit.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-09-25 23:31:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#9 had me giggling.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2008-09-25 22:46:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
meh.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-09-25 21:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ejryuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-09-25 21:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#6 = New Guy
Submitted by Profane (user info) at 2008-09-25 21:32:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
These are great #3 !!
Submitted by metalbeast7 (user info) at 2008-09-25 21:22:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeeah
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-09-25 19:56:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I also had this neat game with urinals where I'd start peeing where I should and then see how far back I could walk while still arching my stream into said urinal
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I thought I invented that...
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-09-25 19:28:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
winnar
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-09-25 19:07:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
these were great
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-09-25 18:41:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The last line of number 3 made me laugh out loud. Thanks!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-09-25 18:10:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shit, i still do that walk backwards thing at a urinal every so often and i'm 31 years old.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-09-25 16:42:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
10 and six...priceless.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-09-25 16:39:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-09-25 16:36:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You seem like a weirdo.
Points anyway.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-09-25 16:27:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!
#10, I did also. Not that there's anything to be proud of, but you're not alone.
#3, I screwed both the sister, and current wife of someone. Actually, his sister sucked my dick, after I broke up with his current wife for a hotter, but very much psycho girl.