Gruberfest: Floorboards (524 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.94 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ahumblefool (View user info) at 2008-09-26 14:22:25 EDT
October 9, 2008
Fucker stepped right in front of the car. Here I am driving up the damn hill, yes I had a few drinks, but I knew what I was doing. I could see just fine. I fucking blink and next thing I know this guy is flying over the top of my new BMW. Bad enough I hit the guy, but he has the misfortune of landing on the barrier on his neck. Nearly cut his damn head straight off. Blood everywhere, I mean the guy's neck is fucking pumping blood by the gallons. I have to be honest and tell you I was absolutely fascinated. This guy is painting the barrier red with his own body paint. I think I must have slapped myself because I realized I just killed a guy, and I sure as hell was not going to jail for this dumb fuck! I headed back to the car, damn front end smashed to shit, but it was drivable. When I got to my private gate, it opened and I drove the beat to shit new car into the garage.
Every time I walk into this gorgeous mansion, I laugh my ass off. People are sheep, man money is easy to make when you screw the little guy, and since 90% of the population is the fucking little guy, I do well. I had to splash some cold water on my face, looking into the mirror, could use a shave. Fuck, that goddamn floorboard at the top of the stairs, still squeaks! Got to call the contractor and have him fix this, pisses me off.
October 10, 2008
8:00 am - Could not sleep, tossed and turned all fucking night. Called the office and said I was not coming in. Marie said I had four appointments, I told her to cancel the damn things. They can fucking wait. Realized I kept waking up because I thought I heard that damn floorboard squeak. Dam it! Fucking contractors. You can never pay those idiots enough. And the change orders, Jesus, a three million dollar home became a five million dollar home and the fucking floorboard still squeaks.
10:30 am - Police came by and asked if I had heard anything last night. Told them no, shit I was sleeping. They left after asking me a few more asinine questions.
2:35 pm - So I am sitting out on the patio when I see something from the corner of my eye, and call me a fucking loon, but I could swear it was that fucking guy I hit with his head hanging by the fucking tendons in his neck. Nothing was there when I turned to look. Went and made another drink.
October 11, 2008
1:15 am - Fucking floorboard squeaked again. Just fell the fuck asleep and then wham there was that damn sound. Security cameras show nothing. No one is out there, but I could swear that fucking floorboard squeaked.
8:00 am - No sleep last night, none. Every time I would fall asleep, floorboard would squeak. Called contractor and left him a message to get his ass up here and fix this fucking squeak.
12:15 pm - Now I know that son of a bitch is fucking with me. Looked out the window and this time, there is that guy standing right out by the fucking pool! His head is just there! I blinked and he is still standing there, staring at me with no fucking head! I opened the window and yelled at the guy to get the hell out off my patio, the joke was not fucking funny and his ass was going to get shot. Just stood there. I walked over to the drawer and took out my pistol, and he was gone.
4:37 pm - The guy is everywhere I look now. Drank at least a gallon of vodka and the guy will not leave. I try to fall asleep, and that fucking floorboard squeaks. I can hear it everywhere! Every fucking where!
11:30 pm - Locked myself into the master suite. The guy is in the fucking house. Sick fucker. Can not call the police or they will want to check out the garage. I was making some dinner and drinking another quick throw back, and the glass drops from view, they guy with that head, that fucking fucked up head is in the living room. Standing there. I screamed like a woman and stumbled up the stairs.
October 11, 2008
2:00 am - Jesus Christ the floorboards are squeaking. Fucking constantly squeaking. He is standing on the fucking board and just jumping on it! He has to be dam it. But how can that be when I see the shadow under the door. He is standing outside the room and the floorboard squeaks. I am yelling at these idiots that I am calling the cops, the joke is done, but they must know.
3:00 am - WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT! I will write you a check; just make the floorboards stop squeaking. Holy shit, the noise it grates my ears. Shoving paper in my ears.
8:15 am - So tired, and nothing stops that the floorboard. Can not stop cursing the contractor. I want to get out, I am hungry, but I know he is there he is standing outside the door. His head hanging by threads, blood clotted all over his shirt. If I see that again I will go fucking apeshit mad.
11:37 am - It is not just that one fucking floorboard anymore it is the whole floor, oh god it has to be! The fucking squeaking is constant. I have to do something.
5:18 pm - I must have passed out. I shoved a sharpened pencil into both my ears to end the noise, but even through all the blood that flowed from my ears, the FUCKING FLOORBOARDS ARE STILL FUCKING SQUEAKING! I CAN HEAR THEM! THEY ARE IN MY BRAIN.
October 12, 2008
???? - Don't kow fucing time. Oh god I m sory So tired. He wil not go away. Please le me go.
Tucson Times
October 15, 2008
In what investigators call the most bizarre murder in Tucson history, self made millionaire Wayne Zillow was found in his new mansion that sits atop Killman's Bluff. Last week another man was found dead along the road up the bluff nearly decapitated and a victim of a hit and run. Although information regarding how Mr. Zillow was found has not been released, an insider has informed us that his eardrums had been punctured and his entire ear canals were stuffed with paper. We are also told that he was found within a locked room. Investigators now believe Mr. Zillow's car was the murder weapon used in the death of the hit and run from the week before as well.
But this is not what makes this murder bizarre. It is what was found within the home that has many people scratching their heads. Mr. Zillow contracted Hill Custom Homes to build his estimated five million dollar home, and it was completed in February of this year. We are told by investigators that it appears that every floorboard in the home has worked itself loose. No water damage has been found, but one can not walk anywhere in the house without the floors squeaking.
"It is unimaginable load. Every step you take echoes off the ceilings and walls. Officers are using ear plugs, but they are saying even these measures are not helping."
User Reviews
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2008-10-09 20:59:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-09-29 16:47:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great piece.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-09-29 05:02:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2008-09-28 12:47:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brian_Johns (user info) at 2008-09-27 22:14:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice change in typical format.
Submitted by stardamage (user info) at 2008-09-27 08:29:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow! Wowwwww!
I just lost, huh? Great job!
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-09-27 00:40:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Gyro_Gearloose (user info) at 2008-09-26 17:48:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2008-09-26 17:09:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-09-26 15:57:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thought i rated this.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-09-26 15:48:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-09-26 15:30:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-09-26 15:17:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow...great story! Reminds me of old school Poe...
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2008-09-26 15:03:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell-Tale Heart dude. All the way.
Great read!!!
Submitted by Malachewaii (user info) at 2008-09-26 15:02:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just peed. On myself.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-09-26 14:59:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Desz (user info) at 2008-09-26 14:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good read!
Submitted by John_H_Kim (user info) at 2008-09-26 14:41:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-09-26 14:27:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuuuuuckin' A!
Man, I LOVED THIS.
"Blood everywhere, I mean the guy's neck is fucking pumping blood by the gallons. I have to be honest and tell you I was absolutely fascinated."
FANTASTIC.
Thanks for a great read.
Sort of a mix between Edgar Allen Poe and Shlongy's personal blog.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-09-26 14:23:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2's for all Grueberfest entries posted today, just because.