Forgive Me.. (308 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0 on 4 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mr_McDougal (View user info) at 2008-09-26 17:54:07 EDT
Man, where to start.. what to say? I'm a person who still struggles to find myself. While I may know the people around me, I know absolutely nothing about myself.
I know what I like, and what I don't like, but I don't really know WHO I am. Kinda lame, considering I'm 24. Let me tell you what I DO know about me:
I have long, long periods of time where I become withdrawn and depressed. Sometimes it's years at a time. I don't know why, and I never know when it will happen, but when it does, it always seems harder and harder to pick myself back up again. Yet I do it, because it's what has to be done.
During these periods of time, I feel.. numb. I'm aware of what is going on around me, and I DO care about it, but numb is the best way I can think to describe it. Metaphorically, if you were to poke me with a needle, I'd feel the pressure, but not the sting..
I also don't know what I want to do in life. I don't know what, if any, dreams I want to pursue. I hate this feeling, of having an invisible barrier between myself and 99.9% of the world.
I want to be happy. I want to be someone who looks on the bright side of things, instead of being cynical and always waiting for 'the next shoe to drop'. I want to know that when people think of me, or they are reminded of me, it's because something good that they noticed, not something bad.
I want to wake up and not feel weighted down..I want to wake up and feel refreshed and energized. Instead, I wake up feeling like I never get enough sleep.
I want to deserve the good things that have come into my life, and I want to deserve any future things that may come into my life.
I want to feel smart again. I used to think I was, but it seems lately I've fallen well below the crest line of mediocrity. I used to have ideas. I don't know what happened, but I do know I don't like the results.
I want to be someone who makes a difference. Whether I help to change one life, or millions, that's one thing I DO know about myself.. the only other question is.. how?
I want to see the glass as half full, because honestly, it's very tiring to view it as half empty all the time. I think sometimes people mistake my demeanor as something I've worked hard on to maintain all my life, and that couldn't be farther from the truth.
I want change. I want improvement. I want fulfillment and hope. I want to have dreams. I want happiness, warmth, security and achievement.
Most of all, I want forgiveness. More than that, I need it. I've said and done a lot of things in my life that have hurt a lot of people, and each time I wished I could take it back. What I wouldn't give for a time machine sometimes..
Still, most of all, I need that forgiveness. I need to know that I haven't broken anything beyond repair. I need to know that everything really WILL be okay. I need forgiveness from A LOT of people, most in my past, and even quite a few who are in my life right now.
I notice that in this piece, there are a lot of sentences that start with the words "I want". I should probably stop being so selfish. Also, this post does sound like an emo kid walked up and took a dump on my keyboard.. but it's how I feel, and for some crazy reason, I thought I'd share.
Do you forgive me?
User Reviews
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-09-27 08:20:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry, but this just didn't keep my attention. In fact, I've already forgotten what you wrote, though this has more to do with my morning dose of Klonopin than your writing.
I hope it was good.
Submitted by Malachewaii (user info) at 2008-09-26 18:16:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah...
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-09-26 18:02:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*ahem. Journal from when I was 12 years old.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-09-26 18:02:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sounds like my 12 year old journal, albeit less articulate.