’08 Grueberfest Round One: The Blizzard (1003 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.69 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2008-09-26 18:09:44 EDT
"Ever seen a man rip off his own nuts and eat 'em?"
I stared across the table at Grombly. He looked like a bum fresh off the street, soup kitchen flotsam. His gray hair stuck out in greasy spikes and his eyes were bloodshot. Grombly's kid brother was a big mover in Silicon Valley. Worked for Google or Oracle, some outfit like that. The kid paid for Grombly's room here at the Center. Grombly was wearing pajamas and a ratty plaid bathrobe. His toenails were yellow horns and he smelled like he needed a bath.
"No, Mr. Grombly," I said. I sat back in the guest chair. I had brought a tray holding Grombly's lunch; a bottle of spring water, Salisbury steak already cut into small chunks, mashed potatoes, sweet peas, and a small bowl of cherry cobbler. Grombly shoved the tray aside and rested his elbows on the table.
My job sucked. On paper I was listed as a Personal Aide at the Wellness Center of the Redwoods in Sonoma County. What I did all day was run meals and clean up shit-smeared asses and enable personal one on one time with the guests, meaning I spent at least a half an hour a day listening to the babble of patients in this touchy-feely psycho ward. Almost forty-two years old and this was the best I could do with my life.
"It was back in seventy-four," Grombly said, and I knew that this would take a minimum of thirty minutes, maybe longer.
Grombly was always telling me crazy stories of things he did in Vietnam, or things he did back home. Far-out shit, is how he described his misadventures.
If Grombly needed me to stay and listen longer than thirty on the clock I would. As much as I hated the crazy old fuck my next one on one session was with Matilda Smith, one of two dozen Smiths at Wel-Red. She was the ex-wife of some jerk-off movie producer down in L.A., a woman who was seventy years old, crazy as fuck, and always offering to suck my cock when she wasn't dipping her fingers in plastic tumblers filled with her own urine and talking about how pretty the ripples were.
"I'd only been back from monkey hell for six months when I started hanging out with a crowd at a fast food place in Santa Rosa."
Grombly had been in Vietnam before getting three fingers shot off of his left hand, a ticket home. He just had a pinkie finger and a thumb there now, and even though the bastard was old, that half of a hand was still strong. He was always talking about monkey hell and all the monkey-men he killed and how fuckin' monkey-women was the best ever, where do you think the saying 'monkey on a stick' comes from, they're naturals when it comes to riding cock! He was one sick old bastard. None of the Asians at Wel-Red could stand him. I was sure one of them would put Drano in his cobbler one of these days.
"Anyhow," Grombly said, "This place was real nice, like something out of American Graffiti, reminded me of places I saw when I was a kid. They did burgers and fries and had some real cute girls working there, one of 'em had the most fantastic set of tits, jivin' jonesin' Jesus she was something. But the place was most famous for their snow cones and ice cream cones, big bastards with a hundred different flavors and toppings, everything from marshmallow bits to crushed peanuts to chocolate sprinkles and dips and..."
Grombly stared into space and for a moment I could see the kid he was before he went over there and traded a few fingers for a heroin habit.
"Anyhow," he said, "the place was called The Blizzard, and on Friday and Saturday nights a bunch of us would get together around eleven after all the school kids had fucked off and we'd wrap bombers and get stoned and eat mountains of fries and ice cream. That's before I got on the needle, you know. When I had a loading dock job and a place to live and life wasn't too bad when I was bombed out of my skull enough that I didn't remember anything and was just in the moment."
Grombly turned sideways in his chair and looked out the window. Wel-Red may have been full of freaks but every room had a hell of a nice view. He reached into his pajama bottoms and scratched his balls.
"One of the guys had been down in Haiti trying to score some honey oil so fine it would make Pooh set Eeyore's head on fire while fucking his big donkey ass after sucking down a bowl of Tigger penis soup. That shit was a crazymaker."
I interrupted him. "Honey oil?"
"Hash oil," Grombly snapped, as if I were an imbecile. "Liquid fucking gold. Honey oil is a bareback blowjob. Smoking a joint is a handjob with an oven mitt. You getting me?"
I nodded.
"Anyhow, This guy, we called him Dipps, showed up at The Blizzard one Saturday evening. There were still a few kids hanging around, little kids, boys and girls, not even in high school, ten years old if that. This big Italian guy named Molanti took his wang out and scared off the little girls cause that thing was freaky, but I figured later one or two of the boys was hanging around, trouble-making little fuckers.
"So Dipps comes up with a cigar box and he's got this tiny bottle of honey oil when we're expecting a lot, and then he shows us these fucking dolls made out of hemp cloth, look like they were stitched together by retards. He says they are voodoo dolls, all you have to do to enchant them is add something personal to them like a hair or spit or whatever, and Molanti starts to beat the shit out of him, so I fired up another joint and tried to calm things down and tossed the box of voodoo dolls in the dumpster behind The Blizzard."
Grombly finished the work on his balls, and began scratching his head. Tiny white flakes fluttered down onto the shoulders of his robe.
"Another guy named Reeger had a few guns in his truck so we drove out to the woods to do some plinking and work up an appetite. Molanti's wife was there and she was pretty free with the pussy so we all agreed to go, eager to shoot or fuck. There was me, Molanti, Dipps, Reeger, Molanti's wife Gail, and a wetback who called himself El Squid. El Squid supplied all our weed and had a real thing for seafood.
"I figure that a few of the kids had been hanging around listening to us, and after we left they grabbed those voodoo dolls. They must have also grabbed some half eaten burgers and soda straws and stuff."
Grombly looked broody for a while. Then he said, "When we went back to The Blizzard later that night, probably around midnight cause they stayed open 'til one, all hell broke loose.
"We were working on burgers and ice cream, stoned out of our gourds and hungry as hell, when Molanti stood up, walked over to Reeger's truck, opened the door, took his wang out of his pants, and slammed the door shut on his dick. He screamed, and then did it again. Reeger had an old Chevy, mid-sixties, lots of steel. Only took about five slams for Molanti's dick to come right off.
"His wife screamed, and suddenly El Squid stands up and starts beating the hell out of her, hammering away at her with his fists, and me and Dipps and Reeger are so baked we just stare until Dipps says something about the shape of her head being weird. By then she was probably already dead, you could actually hear El Squid's fingers and Gail's skullbones cracking and crunching, and then the wetback goes over to Molanti's truck, reaches in and grabs a nine mil, and shoots himself in the throat.
"The throat, for fuck sake. I look over and see Molanti and El Squid both bleeding to death. Gail is deader than shit and actual goddamned brains are coming out of her left ear. Dipps says something like 'this is crazy shit' and then takes a swing at Reeger, who ducks, jumps up and squeezes through the sliding window they serve food out of, and tumbles inside The Blizzard.
"Reeger looked at us and smiled while the girls who were inside were screaming for him to get out and one of them was already on the phone with the cops. Reeger grabbed one of those big metal scoops they use to scoop frozen fries out of big bags and toss 'em in the deep fryers. He dips the scoop into a deep fryer, into that sizzling, bubbling dark gold grease, and then raises the scoop, tilts his head back, opens wide, and pours boiling hot grease right down his own throat. It burned through his throat and cheeks. Quite a sight.
"After that, well, Dipps ended up a crazy smear on the road after stepping in front of a bus, looked like somebody skidded in a dropped strawberry dip cone, this long slick of white and red, and I woke up in a 7-Eleven parking lot a few blocks away, covered in blood and puke."
I didn't say anything. I just watched Grombly's face show anger and horror and sadness and crazy, capering glee.
"Those kids that did that, they were some sick and twisted little fuckers," Grombly said. "More fucked in the head than anyone in this goddamned shithole."
I let that pass. Then I asked, "How do I know this isn't just bullshit?"
Grombly looked me in the eye. Then he stood up, dropped his pajama bottoms, and lifted his dick out of the way. He had no balls.
"The guy that ripped his own nuts off and ate 'em was me," he said. "The fuck of it is that they still itch. And sometimes I try to scratch my missing balls with my missing fingers."
What could I possibly say in reply to that? I told Grombly our time was up and told him to pull up his pajama pants. I looked at his untouched lunch tray. "You know, I have to write you up if you don't eat your meals," I said.
Grombly glared at me. He stuck a spoon in the cobbler, jammed the spoon in his mouth, sucked on it a little, and then tossed the spoon holding a red and brown and spit-shiny glob at me.
I caught the spoon and set it on the tray. Then I collected the tray and left Grombly. I dropped the tray off in the kitchen and went downstairs to the cubbyhole that served as my office, still carrying the spoon Grombly had thrown at me. I sat at my desk, slid open a drawer, and took out a small wooden box. Inside was a doll made of rough hemp. I smeared the goop on the spoon, and Grombly's saliva, across the featureless face of the doll. When the doll began to look like him, I opened its tiny mouth and reached inside.
Upstairs, Grombly screamed as he reached into his gaping mouth, tore out his own writhing tongue, and began to chew and swallow.
User Reviews
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-10-10 13:50:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-10-01 04:20:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-10-01 04:05:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
didn't read it
Submitted by PepsiCoke (user info) at 2008-09-30 15:24:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by DanielJackings (user info) at 2008-09-29 15:02:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Niggers, lol
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2008-09-30 09:51:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
The other one is better. Plain and simple.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-09-30 03:07:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-09-30 01:40:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OK, Uberboard asshole, which three alters are you saying are me?
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-09-29 18:20:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Lose.
Submitted by DanielJackings (user info) at 2008-09-29 15:02:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Niggers, lol
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-09-29 14:15:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Harmon (user info) at 2008-09-29 13:24:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You idiots wouldn't know good writing if it hit you in the face!!! DIPSHITS!!!
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Submitted by morello (user info) at 2008-09-29 13:00:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Author Jack McCallum +2
-----------------------------
I see you're puliing out your alters to bump your score. Pretty low Jack. You're suspossed to win by doing good writing, like inion, not by creating enough alters to bump your score. When are you going to pull out horse87, or are you saving him for later in the contest?
I also noticed you used your harmon alter to drop a negative 2 on your opponents entry. That's really pathetic, even for you.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-09-29 14:12:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Typical jack hack job. One dimensional character, horrible dialogue laced with the same slice of profanity as all Jack McCallum characters, pointless gore that is meant to be "disturbing and twisted", but is just the same old trite boring crap Jack always spews out. All in all complete waste of time to read.
You should try communicating with actual people instead of your cats, outsider. Then you may be able to diversify your characters and their dialogue, instead of everyone sounding the same.
Submitted by Harmon (user info) at 2008-09-29 13:24:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You idiots wouldn't know good writing if it hit you in the face!!! DIPSHITS!!!
Submitted by stucker (user info) at 2008-09-29 13:09:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by kimster (user info) at 2008-09-29 13:01:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I read it all and, unfortunately, was not impressed.
Submitted by masteruser (user info) at 2008-09-26 22:17:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Pretty terrible, actually.
_______________________________
Jesus Christ Method, how many of these do you HAVE?
Submitted by kimster (user info) at 2008-09-29 13:01:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I read it all and, unfortunately, was not impressed.
Submitted by morello (user info) at 2008-09-29 13:00:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Author Jack McCallum +2
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-09-29 12:50:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm going to play that song every time my boss comes into my office.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-09-29 12:45:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I count a total of 11 alters used to boost up Jacks ratings. A few of those were obviously Bubba alters, not surprisingly, since that geriatric hillbilly piece of shit has zero subtlety, even when he was parading around as his "niece" Sadie.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-09-29 12:41:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-09-29 12:31:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just left this on another post b/c someone got Benny Hinn and Benny Hill mixed up.
It just occurred to me.......
Everytime that Jack posts now, and the inevitable shit storm that follows in the reviews (w/ Jack himself contributing to it too), I'm hearing this song......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnHmskwqCCQ
So, thanks everyone! It gives me many chuckles.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-09-29 12:18:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-09-29 10:49:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck jack, this contest means that much to you? i figured you'd wait on trotting out the whole parade of alters for ubermadness. here's a +2 to help you maintain your fragile grip on sanity.
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2008-09-29 11:17:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jack McCallum is a published author. You can buy his books on Amazon.com
http://www.amazon.com/Made-U-S-Jack-McCallum/dp/0738867764
Submitted by baby (user info) at 2008-09-29 11:16:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
story made baby cry
Submitted by Marina (user info) at 2008-09-29 11:12:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh my...all this drama makes me ever so nervous.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-09-29 10:49:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck jack, this contest means that much to you? i figured you'd wait on trotting out the whole parade of alters for ubermadness. here's a +2 to help you maintain your fragile grip on sanity.
also, friendless nobody below.
Submitted by stucker (user info) at 2008-09-29 10:41:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It's too bad that I can't rate this for the quality of it's content, and that I have to resort to being pithy and childish by rating the poser.
I mean poster.
Submitted by Mr_T (user info) at 2008-09-29 10:27:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Who this Method fool?
Submitted by Mr_T (user info) at 2008-09-29 10:27:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I pity the foo' who think Jack use alters on this contest.
horse87 is just as real a man as me or Brian Blessed.
This story was helluva good. Would have made a good episode of A-Team if there was more tossing people at walls in it.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-09-29 10:14:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What's that, 5 or 6 alters now? You are so sad, Jack. Have a +2, don't want to waste all that effort on your part.
Submitted by Brian_Blessed (user info) at 2008-09-29 10:10:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SETTING THOSE CONCERNS ASIDE, THIS WS A FABULOUS PIECE! I COULD EASILY SEE THE LEAD ROLE IN A STAGE ADAPTATION OF THIS BEING PLAYED BY NONE OTHER THAN BRIAN BLESSED!
Submitted by Brian_Blessed (user info) at 2008-09-29 10:05:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I SPECIFICALLY RECALL REQUESTING BEING INCLUDED IN THIS COMPETITION, YET ON THE LIST OF COMPETITORS, MY NAME IS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN!!
WHAT MANNER OF TOMFOOLERY IS THIS IS WHICH I, THE BOISTEROUS BRIAN BLESSED, HAVE BEN EXCCLUDED FROM SHOWCASING ONE OF MY MANY TALENTS? I SHALL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS INEXPLICABLE INJUSTICE AND WORNGS WILL BE RIGHTED!!!
YOU, JACK, SEEM TO BE A THOROUGHLY GOOD AND HONEST MAN. TELL ME, WHAT BECAME OF MY CHANCE TO PARTICIPATE?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-09-29 09:46:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-09-29 09:12:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-09-29 08:58:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just got out of bed a few minutes ago, and as I sip my coffee I realize that another day dawns in which Method needs to get a life.
---
Says the racist man who divides all his time between his many cats, uber and jacking off.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-09-29 08:58:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just got out of bed a few minutes ago, and as I sip my coffee I realize that another day dawns in which Method needs to get a life.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-09-29 08:46:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Way to go ridiculously over the top with your own alter so that people won't think it's you. Reverse psychology at it's finest, folks!
You're brilliant, Jack, absolutely brilliant! Give this man a round of applause (and a +2!)
If an internet writing contest is that important to him, who are we to deny him his only pleasure in life?
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-09-29 08:41:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This reads like something a well paid, highly published author would produce.
Bravo! Kudos!
This was simply breathtakingly fantastic. I haven't read something of this quality since Dan Brown's "Angels and Demons." What a great snippet that needs its very own place in the history. Hell, IF this were a one page book it would sell more copies than Anne Frank's diary...in a day.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-09-29 07:31:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For the record, because I know you're going to accuse me, you paranoid fuck - that wasn't me, I don't waste money on the uberboard.
It is really sad that you're cheating on a meaningless contest though
Submitted by NintendoCzar (user info) at 2008-09-29 03:35:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have one on the house.
Before anyone accuses me of just giving out +2 and not reading the stories, I read so fast it blows your mind so get off my nuts.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-09-29 02:35:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2008-09-28 12:45:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brian_Johns (user info) at 2008-09-27 22:17:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-09-27 12:10:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-09-27 04:42:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A word of advice for anyone finding this post among all those ten tiny stories entries...
Get a flu shot. I got nailed early this year and jesus, it kicked my ass for a week.
Then again, the more flu viruses I build up immunity to, the better my chances of battling the coming Pandemic.
============================
Ya gotta be healthy to fight zombies. . .
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-09-27 08:21:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-09-27 04:42:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A word of advice for anyone finding this post among all those ten tiny stories entries...
Get a flu shot. I got nailed early this year and jesus, it kicked my ass for a week.
Then again, the more flu viruses I build up immunity to, the better my chances of battling the coming Pandemic.
Submitted by Harmon (user info) at 2008-09-27 00:50:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SHUT THE FUCK UP DIPSHIT!!!!!
Submitted by Harmon (user info) at 2008-09-27 00:49:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-09-27 00:46:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Gee Bubba why don't you suck jack's cock some more.
Honestly you simply suck the fun out of everything.
It's gotten to where taking the piss out of you doesn't even amuse me any more.
I can honestly say that the Ubersite would be a better place without you.
I bet the world would be too.
I thought this post was poor (as are most of jack's posts, in my opinion) and rated accordingly.
The thing of it is jack still can be fun.
You can't.
You must be miserable to be around.
I bet that is why Wal-Mart fired you.
They can't have their greeter's being a downer on their source of income.
What I'm trying to say here bobbie, is that the ONLY way you could make me even crack a smile at this point would be to record yourself dying in a bizarre and painful fashion and then have your 'niece' post it here.
It must be awful to know that you are the most mocked user here, and one of the least enjoyed. Even electro had people who actually liked him. Not to mention the fact you were so desperate for attention that you posted your driver's license here.
Who does that?
I would be willing to bet a fair amount of money that a part of you hoped that somebody from uber would try to fuck with your life. Just for some actual human contact.
I'm not even going to go into the fact that you find both pedophilia and having sex with homeless women arousing.
Nor am I going to belabor the point that you're completely useless.
All that I have left to say is I think this will be the last time I acknowledge your existence as, let's face it, you hardly warrant my attention.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-09-27 00:45:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-09-27 00:29:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Much higher.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-09-27 00:23:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This deserves higher ratings
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-09-26 23:07:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-09-26 19:37:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Well didn't you just do a great job with supporting details and a logical ending.
I expect better from a 'published author'
==============
Heh. -0.06 trying to fit in with the "A-Listers," but failing miserably.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-09-26 22:25:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Created just for me, how touching...
--
Everything you ever wanted to know about masteruser
User id: 34371
Registered on or around: 2008-09-25 12:57:48 EDT
# Messages posted: 0
# Reviews written: 0
# Times these posts have been reviewed: 0
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Average rating of all messages: 0
Submitted by masteruser (user info) at 2008-09-26 22:17:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Pretty terrible, actually.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-09-26 19:37:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Well didn't you just do a great job with supporting details and a logical ending.
I expect better from a 'published author'
Submitted by Desz (user info) at 2008-09-26 19:35:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-09-26 19:26:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Gyro_Gearloose (user info) at 2008-09-26 19:14:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-09-26 18:42:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-09-26 18:23:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Allow me to sling the fist poo ball.
Is this going to kill the contest for you?