ten more tiny true stories (PLUS another camwhore) (837 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.5 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Oly (View user info) at 2008-09-26 18:47:31 EDT
More tiny true stories.
Experima: http://www.ubersite.com/m/114095
Part 1: http://www.ubersite.com/m/114108
1) Several weeks ago, I was angry about something, I think my friend's phone got broken and he got pissed off and then I did too because everybody else was upset. I don't know, we were all really drunk. But anyway, I punched a wall, really lightly, and my knuckle blew up to the size of a golf ball.
I got a friend to drive me to the emergency room to have some X-Rays but on the way there the swelling went away completely. When I showed up it was like there was nothing wrong. My knuckle was fine and I felt really embarrassed.
Two weeks ago, I missed a shot in beer pong and punched a wall. My knuckle blew up again, and thinking it was the same thing as before, I declined a ride to the hospital. My hand is still swollen and I can feel the spot where it's broken but I refuse to do anything about it.
2) In high school, during a football game, I got blindsided on a punt and fell backwards. I tried to catch myself and snapped my right forearm in half. I remember standing up and looking at it and wondering what looked different about it. One of my teammates, standing 30 yards downfield, started screaming at me. "OLSON! GO TELL COACH!"
So I jog off the field and tell my coach, really calm, "Hey, I just broke my arm." He doesn't even look at me before he tells me to go get some water. The motherfucker thought I was joking until he looked up and saw the medical staff sprinting across the field.
3) I once shotgunned a Red Bull and my heart adopted an irregular beat for almost a minute. Don't do that.
4) I have almost died twice while snowboarding. I included one story in the first ten tiny stories thing I did. The second was my first time out, and I was terrible. I couldn't steer myself so I kept falling off the trail, and one time, I fell flat on my back right next to where there was a short metal pole sticking out of the ground. I landed with that thing between my left arm and my torso. Every time I watch Shaun of the Dead and that zombie girl gets impaled by that rod, I think about that fall.
5) My dad got stabbed in the neck several years ago by a homeless man after walking out of his office. The guy, who stabbed three people that night, later told police he stabbed my dad because he was "jingling his keys and whistling" and because he ignored him when he asked for money, which is what you're supposed to do to panhandlers. According to my dad, the guy jumped in front of him, told him "I'm sick of this shit" and stabbed him with an 11-inch blade. My dad punched him, ripped the knife out, and ran into a Kinko's where they called an ambulance. He learned later that the point of the knife poked his spinal cord and the sharp edge bruised his carotid artery. The surgeon told him it was a miracle he was still alive because he could not have done less damage with a scalpel.
6) My best friend at home leaves his windows open in his car every day over the summer. A squirrel once climbed in and buried its nuts in his passenger seat. Another time, a small hawk dropped a bird carcass on his floor. And one other time, since his key got stuck in the ignition and he decided to just leave it, somebody stole his car. He got it back and he got his key removed but he still leaves his windows open.
7) On the first weekend of school this semester, two of my friends and I stole a tapped keg from a house party. There were about 60 people there and we got all of them to go into the basement and we walked out the front door with it. They knew it was us and came over and started a fight.
8) The difference between men and women:
My dad's mother died in January. It was not a surprise since she had Lou Gehrig's disease, but everything has handled quickly and efficiently. The services were held on a Friday. He and his four brothers arranged for a funeral service in the morning, a lunch in the afternoon for friends and family, and a celebration of her life sort of thing in the evening.
A month later, my mom's mother died. It was a surprise. She hadn't been in the hospital since giving birth to my mother 50 years ago so her medical record was pretty much spotless. She and my grandfather ate some bad fish at a restaurant, though, and got food poisoning. My grandfather pulled through but obviously my grandmother didn't. Anyway, my mom and her three sisters arranged for a funeral service on a Tuesday morning, a family and friend lunch a week later, and a celebration of her life deal on the next Wednesday night.
I used the excuse "my grandma died" to get out of classes four times in the same month. My professors were not happy with that.
9) My baseball coach in high school accused me of being the slowest player in the history of our athletic conference. That was junior year. Over the next year, I busted my ass to get in better shape and I became one of the fastest players on my team. Then he cut me because I hadn't taken the team seriously. He told me, while cutting me, that I was one of his best hitters and that I could throw a ball through a brick wall but that I was unreliable. That was a major reality check for me.
10) I have only spoken to three British people in my life. I was in Cancun for Spring Break last year and they invited me and my friend to do some shots with them at a bar. They chose tequila and vodka...no bueno. I threw up after a few shots, right on one of the british kids' shoes. I have only been called a wanker one time in my life.
User Reviews
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-09-29 17:20:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Malachewaii (user info) at 2008-09-27 09:34:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
#5 sounds like borderline shenanigans to me.. but what do I know?
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I assure you it is not. I was at summer camp at the time and nobody bothered to tell me until I got home.
Submitted by PayMeLater (user info) at 2008-09-28 16:52:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Malachewaii (user info) at 2008-09-27 09:34:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
#5 sounds like borderline shenanigans to me.. but what do I know?
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-09-27 08:45:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-09-27 01:52:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your shoulders look broader than before. That last stage of puberty finally kick in?
Ha ha, I jest.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-09-27 00:49:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Crowbar, what???
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2008-09-27 00:18:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nigger
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-09-26 22:00:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<3
Submitted by iambetteratit (user info) at 2008-09-26 20:05:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
dammit shlongy
Submitted by iambetteratit (user info) at 2008-09-26 20:04:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a wanker.. i guess that makes it 2 now
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-09-26 20:01:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wanker.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-09-26 19:37:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
it was a crucial shot.
i am actually not all wound up. that picture? that is me mad.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-09-26 19:18:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ou sound a bit wound up. missing a shot in beer pong is nothing to break your hand over.
Getting herpes from a slut is.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-09-26 19:05:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
actually, about number 9, he said there MAY have been a guy slower than me: a guy called Jumbo that played at New Trier in the early 90's.