Ten true stories (979 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.95 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tinactin (View user info) at 2008-09-26 19:12:39 EDT
1. When I was 14, my best friend offered to have sex with me. I wasn't interested in dating her, but I was a virgin and she was offering sex, so I was definitely interested in that. I waited all evening for her to show up at my house, but she never arrived. When I pressed her about it afterward, I found out she was just trying to see if she had the power to manipulate me into doing things. I egged her house a week later, and that was the end of our friendship.
2. Once, my brother picked up a bicycle lock on the end of a chain, to defend himself against my attack. He swung it around above his head and miraculously scored a direct hit against my testicles. I've had broken bones, concussions, and other injuries but that was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. When I got up off the ground after thirty minutes, I discovered my brother had gone to a friend's house for the weekend.
3. We had a dog that continually burrowed a tunnel under the fence into our neighbor's yard. My dad got fed up with it and bought some wiring that was designed to wrap around the fence and give the dog a small electric shock every time he touched it. After the twentieth time seeing my dog leaning up against the fence, I realized my dog had an electricity fetish.
4. I once rode a bus with a bum who had his genitals out. I don't think he was trying to play with them, but I didn't look long enough to find out. There were not many people on the bus and nobody said anything for a few minutes until a lady got on and dimed him out to the driver, and he was forced to exit. Years later, Dave Chappelle had a similar premise in one of his stand up specials. I don't tell this story anymore.
5. I have a friend who is always thought to be hilarious and amazing by my various girlfriends. One of them thought it would be a good idea to set him up with one of her friends. During dinner with her, he spilled pasta on his lap and pulled out a Tide-to-go marker from his pocket to remove the stain. She never went out with him again, but I have seen him in the shirt on several more occasions.
6. Once, to cheer up a crying girlfriend, I wiped the tears from her face and tasted them. Then, I feigned complete disgust, which made her laugh. Honestly, I was more disgusted by her bitchy whining.
7. My roommate is a renowned thief. He recently drove behind a grocery store and walked into the back of an open ice cream truck, pulling out a box of Dreyer's. There are currently 20 gallons of mint and chip ice cream in my freezer. I don't even have room for ice.
8. I recently dropped my roommate's toothbrush in the toilet. I didn't tell him.
9. I inadvertently solved a Rubik's cube once. I was not even paying attention to it, but I picked it up from somebody's living room and my hands solved it while I was having a conversation. I'll probably never do it again.
10. I get very claustrophobic when it comes to relationships and often feel like I need time to myself. After two days of not picking up my phone, my girlfriend sent me a picture of her ass, with a caption that read, "If you ever want to see this again, we need to talk." I haven't spoken to her since.
User Reviews
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2009-06-09 14:42:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-06-09 14:08:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1. Your roomie scores 20 lbs. of Ice Cream and you don't even have the balls to tell him you dropped his toothbrush in the toilet?
2. Time to yourself?! Really?! A girl wants to fuck you, but you need "you time"?!
You suck.
But it was a good post. Have a +2.
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-06-09 13:30:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-09 13:12:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://maddecent.com/blog/2009/06/07/not-an-animal-collective-exclusive/
^If that version of Daily Routine was on MPP, I would give that album so much more credit.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2009-01-22 18:42:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarity. Particularly enjoyed the girlfriend crying bit.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-11-14 12:28:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahaha
I actually think you've told me all of these stories.
I wonder when you'll see this. Will it be tomorrow, a week from now, a month?
Submitted by Paralyzed_By_Hope (user info) at 2008-09-29 14:20:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha!
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-09-29 14:20:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-09-29 10:03:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-09-29 05:15:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PayMeLater (user info) at 2008-09-28 12:30:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've seen a lot of your stories in film and television.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-09-27 18:19:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
3. We had a dog that continually burrowed a tunnel under the fence into our neighbor's yard. My dad got fed up with it and bought some wiring that was designed to wrap around the fence and give the dog a small electric shock every time he touched it. After the twentieth time seeing my dog leaning up against the fence, I realized my dog had an electricity fetish.
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This slayed me and then 4 and 10. This is my favourite ten stories so far
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-09-27 14:42:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-09-27 13:54:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#10 isn't word for word.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2008-09-27 13:08:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
also, on last night's quest, my score was 0.5/2
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2008-09-27 13:07:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't think of anything witty to say...it's the weekend, fuck you
Submitted by Malachewaii (user info) at 2008-09-27 09:38:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love all of them but #9. I hate those things. My dad, though.. he solved one on the crapper.. yay for poopy power..
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-09-27 08:49:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-09-27 07:59:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All that work to get the roommate switch done and you piss it away in two months? Are you sure you aren't gay?
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-09-27 00:52:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-09-27 00:11:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
#1 and #10 got a smile, the rest...kind of meh
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2008-09-26 23:44:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Touche' Mon'freir
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-09-26 22:29:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#10
fuck yeah
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2008-09-26 22:24:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2008-09-26 21:09:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2008-09-26 19:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I honestly have no idea how I could be reached other than tin cans connected by string.
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You need a train set.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2008-09-26 19:41:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this ten story thing is good
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2008-09-26 19:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have nothing of the sort anymore. I honestly have no idea how I could be reached other than tin cans connected by string.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-09-26 19:30:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Glall, do you still have aim?
Submitted by Desz (user info) at 2008-09-26 19:29:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2008-09-26 19:27:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't remember anymore but when I clicked to write this I was pissed off at one of them. I think it was eight. Something about ice cream or guns. I have a great story about guns; they kill people. You think that's fucking funny, man? Like ice cream is going to fix violence in a couple of years??? This is why I voted Perot when I was a child.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-09-26 19:24:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment