ten tiny true stories (842 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.55 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by stevenjay (View user info) at 2008-09-28 03:31:28 EDT
The ones i've read so far are great. Thought I'd add my own...
1) When I was seven, my parents invited some distant relatives over for dinner one night. I had never met them before, and my dad was insistent on making a good impression. When my brother and I started acting up, he kicked us out of the house. This was a totally unusual reaction, as getting in trouble typically meant getting sent to our rooms. We really had nowhere to go, so we just sat in the yard, goofing off and watching the adults through the dining room window. Eventually, I had to take a dump. I knocked on the door, but got no response. Feeling there was no other choice, I went to the side of the driveway and dropped trousers. While my brother kept watch for me, I pinched a loaf right next to the pavement, and used leaves to wipe myself. I wasn't sure what to do with the mess, so I left it there. My brother and I never spoke of the incident afterwards.
2) There's a river in Vang Vieng, Laos that's well-known for inner-tubing. It has several bars set up along the way, which feature platforms with rickety zip lines and rope swings for drunken patrons to abuse. Alcohol and heights is never a good combination. When I made it to the final bar, me and a friend decided to go off a rope swing together. We botched the takeoff, and while he swung out over the water, I ended up in a freefall from 25 feet up, right at the edge of the river. The whole way down, my mind was racing. I was sure that I was fucked. In a fraction of a second, my whole life was about to be ruined. I was certain I would shatter my spine, or at the very least, my ankles. My friend's wife once jumped from 20+ feet into 18 inches of water, and needed several surgeries to fix the damage she'd done. At least she had the sense to do it in America. I was in a town in the middle of nowhere, in one of the poorest countries on the planet, with no healthcare system to speak of. I tried my best to flatten myself out for impact, but that's hard to do in a short time span. I hit feet first, but most of my body was bent backwards at the time. Though it was less than three feet deep, the bottom turned out to be soft mud. My entire body hit at the same time, and I was cushioned perfectly. I burst from the water cheering and excited, much to the relief of the onlookers. Elated to be intact and rushing from adrenaline, I had no choice but to go straight back up the platform to do the rope swing properly, on my own.
3) When I started college, my dad decided to give me $150/month to cover expenses. He gave me this first amount in cash right after dropping me off at the dorms on orientation weekend. Before I'd made it up the stairs to my room, I'd already spent the entire amount on kind bud, which was still a novelty to me at the time.
4) On my first night in Guatemala, I went home with a British woman I'd met in a bar. She was a bit older, and though other people there thought she was attractive, I wasn't into her at all. In a land where I didn't know anyone, I was just happy to have someone to talk to. We went back to her place, where she rolled several weak spliffs, and we conversed on a variety of subjects, from music to sex to politics. She'd led an interesting life, but eventually, there were a few things I came to realize about her: for one, she was totally looking down on me. She had a pretentious, holier-than-thou attitude, and I really didn't like it. For another, she was becoming more and more anti-Semitic as the night went on. Casually inferring that I was Jewish didn't stop her. Finally, she mentioned that she needed to get to bed, and I should get out of there. I had no intention of staying over with her bigoted ass anyways, and was happy to leave at that point. But before I stepped out, I went to use her bathroom. I took her towel and used it to thoroughly wipe down my balls and ass. After all, Guatemala can be a sweaty, stinky place.
5) When I was four years old, I loved spending my Saturday mornings in my pajamas, watching cartoons at the kitchen table. One morning, while everyone else was still asleep, I was halfway to the kitchen when I realized I needed to pee. As I approached the upstairs bathroom, I decided I'd prefer to use the downstairs one instead. Naturally, as I approached the downstairs bathroom, I changed my mind and headed back towards the first one. I kept switching decisions, back and forth, back and forth, until finally I realized I REALLY had to pee. Amidst my indecision, I made a final, mad rush towards the upstairs one, but did not get there in time. The stream came out mid-stride, and I ended up leaving a sloppy mess across fifteen feet of hardwood floor, leading into the actual bathroom. Utterly ashamed of myself, I cleaned up the mess and tossed my soiled pajamas into the hamper before anyone else awoke.
6) One night during my freshman year of college, I was watching the movie Eraser in a dorm room with some friends. Much to our disappointment, Abram showed up and decided to join us. He was a good guy, but was always fucked up on something: weed, alcohol, acid, whatever he could get his hands on. This particular evening was mushroom night, and since we were all trying to concentrate on the abomination that is Arnold Schwarzenegger's acting, his presence was going to be a major distraction. He sat down next to me and immediately started to fiddle with a switchblade. His repeated opening and closing the blade was a major distraction, but I didn't want to initiate a conversation with him in his fucked up state. Suddenly, he held the knife up in the air, paused for a moment, then brought the blade down into my thigh. Now, I knew that he wasn't trying to be malicious, and he didn't stab that hard, but I also knew how the mind works under the influence of psilocybin. Clearly Abram was not aware of the consequences of his action. I started freaking out. Everyone else in the room stared in silence, as I jumped up in a panic. I looked down at my leg waiting for blood to start gushing out, but it never happened. Apparently, he'd punctured the denim of my jeans, but didn't break the skin. Once it became apparent I wasn't harmed, Abram was promptly thrown out of the room. We rewound the movie a minute or so, and continued watching.
7) I'd always loved baseball as a kid, but never got to play on an organized team until I was ten. I'm really not sure why this was, as my parents let me participate in every other sport. When I finally did start playing, I got thrown on a team that had been together for years, and they seemed to resent me as the new guy. I was a totally decent player, but was not bonding well with them, and the coach never gave me a chance to prove myself. He'd stick me in outfield for one or two innings a game, and bench me the rest of the time. Once, while in right field, a kid blasted a line drive directly along the base line. I took off running for it, and made a spectacular dive. I swatted my glove down OVER the ball, catching it mere inches before it hit the ground. To this day, this catch was one of my greatest athletic achievements. As I stood up, I dusted myself off, sure the entire team would be cheering for my highlight reel catch. Instead, I looked up to see runners on the other team rounding the bases, and everyone on my own team, coaches included, YELLING for me to throw in the ball. No one realized I'd actually caught it. Sadly, I realized there was no way for me to explain what really happened, so I threw the ball in to the first baseman. By that point, the guy who hit the ball was safely on another base, and everyone at my team assumed I was retarded for now throwing the ball right away.
8) A few years back, I met a gorgeous, yet totally obnoxious girl in a bar. Once closing time came around, we were still full of energy, and decided the best thing for us to do would be to head to Vegas and get married. After driving about 5 miles, I realized there was no way we'd ever make it in our inebriated states. I stopped off at a friend's place and somehow convinced him to drive us. As he got into the driver's seat of my car, his girlfriend started freaking out over how irresponsible the whole thing was, and dragged him back in the house. We followed them in, and started looking online for airfare. Just as we were about to purchase tickets (for the three of us) for a 6 a.m. flight, the girlfriend stepped in again, and chided us until we decided to put the wedding on hold, at least until we slept on it. We never went to Vegas. I was more excited about the spontaneity of the experience than I was the prospect of marrying a stranger. Over the course of the next few weeks, I came to learn that the girl was batshit crazy. I am forever grateful to my friend's (now ex) girlfriend for making sure the trip never happened.
9) One of my fifth grade teachers was hard of hearing. After lunch one day, the entire class was working on corrections for a previous homework assignment. Me and a few other guys started talking quietly amongst ourselves, but apparently the teacher got wind, and walked over to us. "Do your corrections, sweetie," she said to me as she patted my shoulder. "Any time, old hag," I replied. I looked up to see the other guys staring at me, gap-jawed and bug-eyed. I was just as shocked as they were to hear those words come from my mouth. Thankfully, the teacher walked back to her desk, oblivious.
10) Late on a Friday night several years ago, I was driving home from a friend's place, feeling utterly alone and miserable. Suddenly, I crested a hill and saw a car on fire on the opposite side of the road. I passed by, watching the owner frantically swatting at the flames with his coat. Though it was a busy street, no one was stopping to help. Just as I was thinking how fucked the guy was, it dawned on me that I had a chance to be the hero: there were a couple of gallon jugs of water in my trunk that I used as impromptu showers for pre-work surf sessions. I swung the car around and immediately jumped into action, as the car's owner stood by, watching. As it turns out, I had just enough water to put out the flames. Standing next to the smoldering wreck afterwards, I kept waiting for some sort of acknowledgement from the guy. Instead, he just stood there, moaning about how miserable his life was. It was a brand new car, and by batting at the flames he had ruined his sports coat. Suddenly, it dawned on me that there were people with far more fucked up lives than myself. I walked back to my own car with an amazing sense of self-satisfaction.
-sg
User Reviews
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-09-29 12:42:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-09-29 12:40:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-09-29 12:19:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not exactly tiny, but whatever.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-09-29 01:02:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-09-28 10:44:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-09-28 10:09:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Your life blows.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-09-28 07:17:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
REALLY love this series..
Uber is Uber again
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2008-09-28 04:45:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-09-28 03:54:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/u/experima/l/stories
here's ninety more if you want to read them.
:)