10 Tiny True Stories About Cats (756 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Director (View user info) at 2008-09-28 15:57:04 EDT
Because I'm fucking bored.
I don't particularly like or dislike cats. For some reason, they've always been around.
1. I buried a cat this morning. My ex called me and said she "needed my help." I said fine and went over. Turns out she euthanized a cat we had gotten when we lived together. That was kind of sad, just because I've known that cat for nine years. Kel put the cat in a box and wrote her (the cat's) born and died dates on it. She then stuck it in the freezer. That's gross.
I took the dead animal (which weighed a fucking ton...there's a reason for the term "dead weight") to the woods and dug a hole. My decided on a different spot after I'd nearly finished one big ass hole. Fine. Mosquitos were biting the shit out of me. I said, "you know it'll be a lot easier to take her (the cat) out of the box."
My ex was, apparently, pretty fond of that cat, and screamed:
"SHE'S BEING BURIED IN THE BOX!" I meekly succumbed to her will like the massive vagina that I am and dug another big assed hole. I'm also covered in mosquito bite bumps.
I'm glad that stupid cat is dead.
2. The first cat I remember was one my father found at a concrete plant outside of Dallas, TX. He (the cat) was a big old tom. He was a feral beast, and seldom came out from underneath the sofa. I was playing on the floor one time and "Lone Star" (dumb name for a cat, but Texans, you must understand, are very, very, very proud of their state) swiped me across the face, for no damn good reason. I still have the scar on my cheek.
I'm glad that stupid cat is dead.
3. Two cats were once born in our garage. My father decided to keep them. He named them Peanut Butter and Jelly. Again with the gay names but, to each his own, right? Someone around that time told me that cats "always land on their feet." Being about 5 years old I decided to find out of this was true. I took one of them...I think it was Jelly...and tossed her/him (can't remember) into the air as high as I could. The cat spectacularly twisted and writhed in the air, but, unfortunatly, did NOT land on her feet but upon the pavement with a sickening "splat" sound, and soon died. I was destroyed. I had no intention of hurting the poor thing. I ran crying into the house and my father beat the ever loving fuck out of me.
I'm glad that stupid cat is dead.
4. A former wife and I had a cat, which she named "China Bell." That was catually (get it? catually...sigh) a cool name. And the cat was pretty cool too. Once she got her collar caught in the ventillation shaft, and careened through the house with that thing stuck to her. I had to chase her around and when I finally caught her to remove the grate, she scratched me in the eyeball so hard I had to go the hospital.
I don't know if that cat is still alive or not, but if she's not, I'm glad that stupid cat is dead.
5. I always used to laugh when Snoopy the Dog got into fights with the unseen "cat next door," and invariably lost. I liked Snoopy much better than cats but he was always so philosophical but it. Charles Shultz is dead, which means that cat is dead.
I'm glad that stupid cat is dead.
6. There is a cat right now behind me, swatting at my head. He's declawed and still very much alive. If my ex wasn't here right now I'd consider cat murder.
Not really but I just want to say:
I'm glad that stupid cat is dead.
7. I once did an Ubersite post for a certain user of this website, and you can see two cats I had at the time. Those cats now live a very good life with a white trash family in a Detroit suburb on a big assed animal farm. When (again, my ex) and I went to take them out there, the girl who took them was in her parents tool making factory, utterly barefooted. Both cats shit all over their carriers on the way out there.
They're not dead so I can't say my line. :-(
8. When I was in college I had a cat who played fetch. I named him "Futz." He was awesome. You could wad up a piece of paper and toss it across the room, and he'd go get it, bring it back, and drop it at your feet, just like a dog. Futz was my all time favorite cat. My brother and I were going to get some goldfish, and came home with a cat instead. My mother and step-father were so amused by this they let us keep him. Futz turned out to be a badass, too, and was the king cat on my block in Corpus Christi. Unfortunatly, he contracted feline AIDS from fighting and fucking, I guess, and died while I was in the military. He's buried in the tomato garden of our old house there. Whoever lives there now has no idea my all time favorite cat's bones are nourishing their Juicy Reds. Fuckers.
I'm not glad that cat is dead. :-(
9. When my brother was in college the second time around, he had a cat he trained to roll over. When he moved to Austin from Lubbock, he somehow lost that cat. Too bad. I never got to see the cat roll over on command, which would have been pretty cool.
10. Fuck cats.
This is what comes up when you type in "Rape of Fluffy" on Google image search. I fucking love Google. They opened a new office here in my town. I'm gonna so see if I can get a job as a janitor there or something.
User Reviews
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-10-01 17:49:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-09-30 01:57:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-09-29 21:21:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2008-09-29 18:42:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Do not pass go, do not collect $200
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Wow, that was a good one, squarehead.
Don't you have a cinder block to break with your face somewhere?
Submitted by John_H_Kim (user info) at 2008-09-29 19:13:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2008-09-29 18:42:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Do not pass go, do not collect $200
Submitted by morello (user info) at 2008-09-29 13:03:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Didn't you die Jason?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-09-29 12:11:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Gay
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2008-09-29 12:03:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Because this fucking sucked
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-09-29 09:29:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Cat hater!!!
Points, negative ones. For not liking cats and being glad that all those "stupid cat[s] are dead".
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2008-09-29 09:00:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you love fish scented chocolate starfish don't you? yep you rape cats
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-09-29 07:46:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-09-29 03:05:40 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
My cats are cooler than all of you put together...
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my cats could kick your cats furry asses
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-09-28 23:16:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by PepsiCoke (user info) at 2008-09-28 22:57:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Should have been titled:
"A Bunch of Stupid Words Followed By a Jack McCallum Camwhore"
______________________________
HAHAHAHA!!! It IS kinda what I think Jack probably looks like!
Submitted by PepsiCoke (user info) at 2008-09-28 22:57:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Should have been titled:
"A Bunch of Stupid Words Followed By a Jack McCallum Camwhore"
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-09-28 22:05:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My cats are cooler than all of you put together...
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2008-09-28 20:23:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck cats.
dogs own.
Submitted by NintendoCzar (user info) at 2008-09-28 19:13:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know that pulsehead did something like this years ago when that site was online. I wonder what took so long for this place to catch on.
Also, I'm a bit annoyed that I can't post more than once per day (well, you can, knocks off the front page, etc etc). I have about 4 stories in the wing for you fucktards to -2 die. I know you can't wait either. Shame.
Why I said that here, I dunno.
Submitted by DTII (user info) at 2008-09-28 17:49:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.fredvanlente.com/cthulhutract/pages/index.html
The truth about the Universe.
- Deadtoast
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-09-28 17:35:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2's for helping me find "buyers" that one time...
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2008-09-28 16:56:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
if at first you don't succeed, fuck off and die.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-09-28 16:03:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-09-21 00:14:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-09-18 04:33:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-09-13 20:20:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Auto -2 forever.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-09-28 16:01:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cut your dick off below.
Submitted by vexx (user info) at 2008-09-28 16:00:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
euthanize yourself.