10 tiny embarrassing confessions (1541 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.88 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by shandythetopdog (View user info) at 2008-09-29 07:52:11 EDT
1. When passing through Taiwan on my way to my ludicrous tour of Europe I stayed several nights with Miss Ding in her tiny studio apartment. I was keen to fuck her, but uncertain about how to signify my intent. I thought of wearing a pair of light cotton trousers without undies, in the hope that an obvious erection might make things clear, but in the end decided not to. At the time I was suffering from severe haemorrhoids, and therefore arse wiping was sometimes unsuccessful in removing all faecal matter. I was concerned that a lack of undies might have allowed terrible odours to drift through the rear of the light cotton pants and reach Miss Ding's nose before any erotic bulge in the front of the light cotton pants had reached her eyes. I contented myself with a fumble through her panties draw while she was out shopping, and of course a shameful wank.
2. Miss Wang was our house guest in Canberra for several months. A sexy, taunting little bitch, I spent countless hours in her company seeing movies, eating dinners, lying in long grass, talking all night, etc, but was too pathetic to make an overt move, despite her performing tricks such as applying moisturiser to her glorious legs in front of me and revealing glimpses of her white panties. After she had moved out, I lay naked between her used sheets, which still carried her musky cigarette odour, and by my own hand ejaculated voluminously all over them.
3. In my early teens I was envious of the tough boys, who seemed to have higher levels of testosterone than me as evidenced by their clearly defined muscles and sweat stains beneath their t-shirted armpits. I was somehow both thin and flabby at the same time with no sign of sweat stains anywhere. To rectify this, I slopped the sopping dish mop from the kitchen sink against the fabric under my arms. I can still clearly remember how weird it felt when I squeezed it into my armpit.
4. The first time I ever touched a girls cunt, and in fact inserted my finger therein, I immediately and accidentally ejaculated into my pants. To conceal this, I rushed away from the bed and turned the TV off, at the same time surreptitiously sniffing my finger and becoming concerned that I may have inserted it not into my very first ever cunt, but into my very first ever anus (later experience revealed that Helen in fact had an exceptionally smelly cunt - possibly as a result of her mum dying when she was a baby and being raised by an eccentric father who perhaps failed to teach her the golden rule re. wiping direction).
5. As a child I used to scratch bits of scalp off my head and collect them in a little wooden box.
6. When I was about 6 years old I fell over into some mud. I was wearing my best clothes because a charity beauty pageant was being held that day in the diplomatic residence where I lived. Ashamed of myself, I hid under a table in the kitchen. It turned out the models walked past this table on their way out to the catwalk. In hindsight, hiding under a table all night in dirty clothes looking at women's legs was probably a good metaphore for what adult life held in store for me.
7. At the Djakarta zoo a group of local urchins were having great fun throwing rotten fruit at the monkeys in the pit below. Despite feeling nervous and out of place as the well-groomed little white boy with his mummy, I plucked up my courage and joined in. How liberating it felt to fling that big soggy orange with all my strength! The monkey I targeted caught my throw easily and hurled the orange straight back into my clean white face. Indonesian street urchins are masters of raucous, uninhibited laughter.
8. When passing through customs into Taiwan on my first visit there, the customs official (a good-looking young lady) entered into agitated conversation with my wife, pointing at my passport photo. Then they both guffawed, as did the person waiting in the queue behind us, and we were allowed to pass through. I asked what had occurred, and Satan explained that the customs official had been concerned that the man in the (clean-shaven) passport photo had a double chin, whereas the man standing before her had a beard. "Why do you think he grows the beard??" witty little Satan had apparently replied.
9. As with most teenagers, my erections at that age were capable of bursting into prominence regardless of restraints such as tight undies or thick denim jeans. Rather than needing to go commando in light cotton trousers to give my pathetic ageing manhood any chance of being noticed, like most teenagers I was on constant alert to avoid an embarrassing boner springing forth at the wrong time. Due to the influence of whacko tobacco, I once dropped my guard when sitting watching TV at my girlfriend's house with her obese cat on my lap. She was in the kitchen with her mum, and the warm fat body and rhythmic purring of the pussy soon took effect. When her mum suddenly walked in the cat sprang off, releasing an unmistakable tent pole in my lap that mummy's eyes were automatically drawn to. Nothing was said. I'd like to report that she gave me a saucy wink, but in fact she was so clearly repulsed that her daughter's boyfriend was sexually aroused by a domestic animal that she actually seemed to vomit a little in her mouth before hurrying out and avoiding eye-contact with me from that moment on.
10. I just made up 9. to try and amuse a small group of semi-literate delayed-adolescent loser weirdos on the world's most pathetic website - and I'm 44 years old!
User Reviews
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2008-11-18 07:51:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lolz
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-10 19:49:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
with you, not at you...
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2008-11-10 18:34:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is one of the funniest posts I've ever read
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-10-02 05:57:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2008-10-02 10:35:28 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Dimenhydrinate (user info) at 2008-10-02 05:05:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Boners are great.
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very true - i don't think it's possible to actually feel bad with a boner
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depends which hole its in
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2008-10-02 05:35:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Dimenhydrinate (user info) at 2008-10-02 05:05:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Boners are great.
--
very true - i don't think it's possible to actually feel bad with a boner
Submitted by Dimenhydrinate (user info) at 2008-10-02 05:05:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Boners are great.
Submitted by Zackstersmackster (user info) at 2008-10-01 21:14:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Number 4 was pretty goddam funny, if not totally revolting.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-10-01 08:18:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
could have been dictated by Dr. Evil himself.
excelsior!
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2008-10-01 07:54:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
keep in mind these are some of the things i'm willing to admit to
i keep the really emabarrsing stuff to myself, naturally
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-10-01 02:55:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Magnificent
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2008-10-01 00:47:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
genuinely disturbing
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-09-30 23:34:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow, what in the holy hell fuck is wrong with you?
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-09-30 22:21:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wonderful.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-09-30 19:52:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this is the only one of these that i read - because i knew that it would, as usual be a huge steaming pile of mediocrity and ham-fisted, poorly-spelled and even more poorly described attempts and poignancy that only manage to make it to nausea-inducing; but i knew this would be good for a quick read and would at least have a couple of things that would be interesting.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-09-30 00:27:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha. Wonderful.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-09-29 21:36:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No wonder you're all fucked up.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-09-29 21:14:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe less than 1 of these
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-09-29 19:47:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't realize how old you are, congrats on not being taken out by the Reaper
yet.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-09-29 14:04:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by John_H_Kim (user info) at 2008-09-29 13:52:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Number nine was my favorite.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-09-29 12:35:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-09-29 12:13:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-09-29 11:53:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-09-29 11:51:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-09-29 11:49:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-09-29 11:19:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-09-29 10:16:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-09-29 10:01:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Indonesian street urchins are masters of raucous, uninhibited laughter.
____
That slayed me.
btw 9 is 100% believable, If I had to pick one lie it would not have been 9. It would have been 10.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-09-29 09:38:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LIAR!!!
You're only 42...
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-09-29 09:29:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-09-29 09:26:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm getting a little sick of these 10 stories posts, but this was quite entertaining.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-09-29 09:21:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm eating breakfast and only got through #5; had I read any further I'm worried I would have vomited. What I read was disgusting.
Points for conjuring up disgust, I guess.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-09-29 09:12:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would like to join in with these ten stories, I too have scalp scratching stories. But I feel that I would bring down the wrath of 'the experima' because i would refuse to link.
Woe is me.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-09-29 09:08:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-09-29 08:30:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes. Yes indeed
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2008-09-29 08:29:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this made me laugh
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-09-29 08:12:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
just for #10!!!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-09-29 08:08:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Its never good if you have to signify you want to fuck someone
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-09-29 08:06:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a hero.