10 Things You Might Not Have Known About Me (1041 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 1.38 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Flash Harry (View user info) at 2008-09-29 10:19:28 EDT
That: http://www.ubersite.com/m/114095
This:
1. I only ever had one wet dream. I imagined that I was lying in bed with a girl, running my hand up her thigh, and then being rather unexpectedly woken with a grunt and wet patch. I had never had any sexual contact with a girl at the time, and I was convinced that due to the dream I would suffer from premature ejaculation.
I don't. But this was the only wet dream I ever had, and I can't help but feel that I missed out, since I quite enjoyed it and wouldn't have minded more. I sometimes wonder if other people still have wet dreams; I think I would be jealous of them.
2. I am ordained as a Humanist Minister. A friend of my family was murdered a few years ago, and the funeral service was a Humanist affair. The compassion, understanding and scope of Humanism impressed me so much that I went online and signed up to become a Minister.
3. I worry about dying. Since I was eighteen, I've harboured sneaking suspicions that I might have some sort of fatal affliction eating away at my insides. I have no symptoms, and nothing to base these fears on whatsoever; but in my more paranoid moments I manage to convince myself that I will be lucky to last another six months. I'm too scared to go to the doctor to check because he'll probably think I'm mad and have me committed.
4. I never had any proper nightmares (the kind where I'd wake up sweating and terrified) until I was twenty. That semester I was studying Female Gothic, Victorian Gothic and Romantic Supernaturalism units at University, so my days were consumed by reading dark literature, and at night I often suffered from sinister, menacing visions that tormented me.
5. I have had two recurring dreams, on and off: one is the classic 'public nudity' horror, usually set in school or work or the pub. I often have a little towel or scarf that I struggle with, unsuccessfully, to cover my bits. The other dream is that my mouth is filled with a giant blob of gum or toffee, which I chew over and over again until my teeth start to get pulled out by the sticky lump. My teeth come out one by one, and I cannot spit it out nor swallow it.
6. One night I got so drunk that when I came home, I did a poo on the dirty washing basket. I don't know if I thought it was the toilet, or if I reasoned that it would be okay since the clothes inside it were already dirty, or what. Another time, I did a poo in the back garden. My mum wasn't amused.
7. Every girl I've been in a relationship with has cheated on me. And I have cheated on them. I'm very suspicious of women, and I blame my parents' break-up and the unsavoury aftermath.
8. When I played rugby I was knocked unconscious after tackling a giant forward with my head. I suffered whiplash and concussion, but it was a brilliant tackle that nearly broke him in two. Other than on the rugby pitch, I've never been in a fight. I've been punched in the face once, and I've punched three people, but that's really about it.
9. I make the World's Greatest Lasagna™. My bolognaise sauce is made up with chopped tomatoes, garlic, basil, nice red wine, a splash of balsamic vinegar, and lots of care and attention.
10. When I was young I used to design new methods with which to carry out capital punishment. I drew diagrams of the devices to scale and wrote out specifications for them. I was more motivated by providing an entertaining public spectacle than by executing criminals humanely, however. I recall quite clearly my plans to have wrong-doers grated to death, launched at buildings with industrial catapults, and, rather gruesomely, skinned alive (while being garnished with salt and vinegar).
BONUS: Last year I wrote a children's book. It is about 50,000 words long and I am only now getting round to editing it. Also, I have £7 left on a gift voucher for Borders book shop and I don't know what to buy with it, so any booky suggestions are more than welcome.
User Reviews
Submitted by Cakes (user info) at 2009-05-26 00:51:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If you're interested in turning your one "wet dream" into a lucid dream, where you control every aspect of your dream, let me know. I've been practicing it for 3 years, successfully the last two. It's beyond words, the rush, and full consciousness of that rush, and prolonging it.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-09-30 17:10:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always held that being skinned alive would be the worst way to die. Just the top layers of skin razored off while you're still alive....
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-09-30 09:26:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2008-09-29 23:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The Trail by Franz Kafka
Demian by Hermann Hesse
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-09-29 22:58:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought it might do well to have a long inspection at your thoughtmeats to discover the source of your drunken debauchery and womanizing, so as to put you on the path to inner satisfaction and true happiness; but then I remembered where you live. I'll have a beer in your honor instead.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-09-29 21:33:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Buy an ink cartridge parker pen and mail it to me
Submitted by Jack_of_Spades (user info) at 2008-09-29 16:19:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-09-29 14:06:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I cannot make myself care. Sorry.
At least it's not a -2.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-09-29 13:42:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2008-09-29 13:20:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all that is ass.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-09-29 12:47:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I couldve sworn that one of these was gonna be..
"I was the original inspiration for A Clockwork Orange"
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-09-29 12:35:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
PS congratulations on being the 100th tiny true post.
:)
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-09-29 12:34:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<3
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-09-29 12:32:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2008-09-29 12:31:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post
10 things you didn't know about me:
1. I have three STDs. All from Method's Mom.
2. I buy Magnum sized condoms.
3. The Magnum sized condoms are too big for me.
4. I use them as water ballons.
5. I'm really not really not Method. Not really.
6. If I don't have sex or jerk off for more than a week, I'll have a wet dream
7. Those wet dreams are usually about women I know, but have not slept with. And usually never do.
8. The stock market is getting fucked today because Method's Mom is out of town and all those black guys in New York needed something to fuck.
9. The only thing better than seeing a naked celebrity is seeing her naked with a pony. Seriously, I can't wait for the day that Lindsay Lohan bangs a pony, because you know it's going to happen.
10. I may have made the previous nine items up.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-09-29 12:01:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-09-29 11:45:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
POINTS!
Submitted by SilentRenegade (user info) at 2008-09-29 11:07:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The poisonwood bible
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-09-29 11:01:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You seem somewhat disturbed and yet you wrote a children's book.
I've decided I definitely like you now...
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-09-29 10:46:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are a pooing machine.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-09-29 10:45:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well, these were fucking boring.
Submitted by stucker (user info) at 2008-09-29 10:38:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-09-29 10:38:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LAUNCHING PEOPLE INTO BUILDINGS
Fucking marvellous
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-09-29 10:33:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like you. Bunches.
And get the "What Flavor are they Jelly Beans" with the Borders gift card. They have jellybeans that are all different colors but two same colors share totally different flavors. Example: Blue Jellybeans can be Blueberry OR soap. Green can be apple or booger. It's quite entertaining.