G-Fest '08 --- OR --- Ten Tiny True Tales of Terror (734 hits)
Category: Politics -> RepublicansRating: 0.58 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack_McCallum's Cat (View user info) at 2008-09-29 16:23:39 EDT
Hi, Whiskers here. I figured I could kill two birds with one stone in this post with all these bandwagons and contests going on.
Mmmmmmm, dead birds
Anyway, here goes!
1.) Jack's biggest fantasy is boning Morris from the Meow Mix commercials. Something about gingers attract other gingers. In much the same way that zombies always seem to team up when they go on a brain eating spree, THESE genetic freaks are just drawn to each other. I try to make Jack understand that orange tabby cats and ginger Neanderthals are two different things, but all that comes out of me is 'meow meow meow meow. meow meow meow meow...' and the only thing that comes out on his end is from his fly when he sees me enter the room.
If it wasn't so tiny, I swear that none of us would make it past the first assault. How we all mew and cry and wish that he WAS packing something bigger than a 2" x 4"...
2.) Jack wears different outfits when he posts or reviews under one of his dozens of alter accounts. In addition, his bedroom play is altered to match. One of the most terrifying is, obviously, Charlton_H....have you ever seen what a gun barrel does to a feline's rectum.
That's nothing to when he goes into what he calls his 'Outsider' mode. More than a few of us have died during 'outsider' episodes.
Dear Bast, please deliver me from this horrid, horrid man!
3.) It's getting harder to hide from this man's insatiable lust. Jack, despite his obviously fragile, little, freckled arms, has managed to destroy everything in a fit of rage. Each and every -2 you deliver has resulted in my life of terror becoming that much worse. Thanks, assholes.
4.) Jack thinks he's a cat sometimes. Not like some furry, spiritual connection thing. I mean, that's fucked up enough...this man thinks he's a goddamn cat. He purrs, and shoves his ass in our faces, and licks us. If he only knew what he was really saying, maybe he'd knock that shit off. The time he ate Boot's vomit
5.) I know a lot of these are about Jack, but what do you want from me? I'm basically a captive sex slave in this maniac's house. Bear with me.
Jack identifies with cats. He thinks we're politically alike, because we're sort of aloof and disagreeable, like him. But c'mon Jack! Boots is fucking black and Callie is obviously bi-racial! Why do you think they fight back your advances (besides the gut clenching repulsion) when you're always going on about the 'niggra's' and the 'uppity bitches?'
And then the 'fucking queers this' and 'goddamned homos' that you're always spouting? Jack, half of the swarm is male! And you're not always pitching either, buddy! You got to Lil' Kimbo so young you've warped him into thinking that what he does to your unwashed anus is a good or normal thing.
6.) The smell of this man and his place...
*weeps bitterly*
Jack, slapping catnip on your balls is only gonna get us in closer to your masturbation ravaged claws if you actually wash off the years of nutgrease and the leavings of past feline/human encounters.
While we're on this topic...I dig that the smell of our piss gets those creative juices flowing, but goddamn Jack. The litter is a swampland, Jack. I go to lick my paw and it tastes like shit and piss. For fuck's sake. I know you like to eat out of there, Jack, but we don't. Oh, and FYI, it's dogs that do that Jack, not cats.
7.) We hide the rejection letters from Harlequin and all the other publishing houses. When he can just breathe heavily in our ears and whisper, 'They must have just misplaced my submission...' instead of the alternative, you'd take it too.
8.) Here's the biggie. I'm gonna tell you what really happened to Jack's wife. One day she accidentally stepped on Georgie Love's tail while she was doing dishes.
At Georgie Love's screech, a bellow issued from the basement where Jack was working on an 'experiment' followed by heavy footsteps coming up the stai
OH SHIT, HERE HE COMES!! WHAT DID YOU GUYS DO?
OUTSIDER MODE!
OUTSIDER MODE!
RED ALERT!
SCATTER!
BOOTS, CALLIE, GEORGIE, EVERYONE RUN!!!
User Reviews
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-09-30 16:44:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-09-30 02:05:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-09-29 20:50:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hmmm, I kinda thought you were better than this...
====================
Apparently not. . . . .
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-09-29 20:50:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hmmm, I kinda thought you were better than this...
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-09-29 20:17:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-09-29 17:34:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i just feel bad for whiskers here.
he's gonnna get it good tonight, isn't he jack?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-09-29 17:33:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HE GOT YOU, SCOURGE.
YOU CAN'T COME BACK FROM THAT KO.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-09-29 17:33:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!
AIYEEEEEEEEEEEE
should i run now, or wait for you to scrape together enough pennies to come fly out and beat me up? i guess at your bank janitor job, that should only take, what, 20 years?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-09-29 17:29:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-09-29 17:18:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and really, jack, it's only proper uber form to give a tribute post dedicated to yourself a +2. for someone who cares so much about the rules and traditions and decorum of the site, that zero rating was just totally poor form.
i'm embarassed for you.
--
The fat man lectures me about poor form.
If you want to talk poor form, let's discuss your silhouette.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-09-29 17:21:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
jack FINALLY wrote an enjoyable post.
Wait a second here...THIS AIN'T JACK!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-09-29 17:18:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and really, jack, it's only proper uber form to give a tribute post dedicated to yourself a +2. for someone who cares so much about the rules and traditions and decorum of the site, that zero rating was just totally poor form.
i'm embarassed for you.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-09-29 17:12:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-09-29 16:49:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're pretty funny for a fat man. Let's see how fast you can run
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ahahahahah , Jack's gone to giving threats over the intrawebs. "I'll get these bastards. They will cower in fear of my wrath, they know I'm dangerous. I'm am the unknown, the unquatifiable. I AM THE OUTSIDER!"
lol. You've really slipped over the deep end this time Jack.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-09-29 17:01:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-09-29 16:49:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're pretty funny for a fat man. Let's see how fast you can run.
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Haha the cat-crooner is threatening people again!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-09-29 16:56:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
jack, you can afford to keep one of the cats fat?
chubby chaser fetish is it?
besides, like i told you, over a dozen people have access to this account. i wish i could lay claim to this one, because it's funny as hell, but i just don't have it in me to post much these days. blame one of the other 'Jackslammers'
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-09-29 16:54:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Geez. You people never let up do you?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-09-29 16:49:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're pretty funny for a fat man. Let's see how fast you can run.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-09-29 16:41:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahaha
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-09-29 16:31:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
moo?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-09-29 16:29:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is profoundly troubling. I feel ill.