Ten factual accounts of varying length submitted in an untimely manner (934 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.58 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by VengefulDaddy (View user info) at 2008-10-01 15:21:34 EDT
Yeah, I know--this is SO yesterday. But I got through eight of these and ran out of time. Didn't want to waste the little effort I put into this.
1. I had two hamsters when I was a kid: Ernie and Bert. Ernie once demonstrated his penchant for gluttony by stuffing his face so full of hamster food that one of his eyes popped right out of its socket. I freaked out when I saw the eye just dangling there by its teeny optic nerve, but my mom calmly pushed it back into place. He never opened that eye again, but he lived for a long time after that.
2. I used to harass my younger sister when we were kids by pulling pranks on her and physically tormenting her. On one occasion, I had her in a scissor hold with my legs and held her until she became furious and red-faced, which caused me to break out in an uncontrollable fit of laughter and subsequently release my grip. She immediately pounced on my chest and tried to pin me to the floor, which only made me laugh harder. This apparently was not an acceptable response, and she reacted by spitting directly in my wide-open, guffawing mouth. She thought it was pretty funny...until I threw up on her.
3. When I was in elementary school, my mom somehow got wind that a local department store was having a fashion show, and she entered me into it as a model. I had to parade around in a horrid denim leisure suit over some kind of vomit-colored shirt with collar flaps so broad they could be used to hang glide. What's worse is that a photo of me from the event made it into the local newspaper, and I became the laughing stock of my school for weeks. Thanks Mom.
4. When I was in fourth grade, I asked my dad to buy me a copy of Hustler magazine. He did.
5. My buddy Rob and I once were pitching a tent in his back yard. Suddenly, a guy ran into the yard with red shit all over his hands and shirt, noticed us, and put his fingers to his lips indicating we should keep quiet as he continued running by. About a minute later we heard a bunch of sirens that sounded like they were right next door. We ran around the corner where there was a small motel, and, in the parking lot, we saw a guy laying on the ground writhing and bleeding all over the place. Then we noticed the large, bloody screw driver laying beside him. He had at least five punctures all around his abdomen. We immediately told the first cop we saw about the guy that had crossed through Rob's yard, and a couple cruisers immediately took off in the direction he went. Never did find out if the stabbed guy died or if they caught the perp, but it was a both an awesome and terrible thing to witness as a 12-year-old boy.
6. I got a DUI when I was 19. For pot. My friend John and I smoked a joint and were cruising around about an hour later when I passed through a speed trap going too fast. What I didn't realize is that my idiot friend had casually thrown the hemostats we used as a roach clip up on the dash board where we couldn't see them, but where they were easily visible to the officer as he approached the car. He arrested us and made me take a piss test, which I failed, leading the judge to sentenced me to 72 hours in rehab. Of course, DUI rehab was completely geared to alcohol abuse, so they didn't know what the fuck to do with me. I read a lot of books that weekend.
7. I had a restaurant job in college and ended up becoming a good friend and roommate of my boss, Barry. A week before I graduated, he was training a new manager in another branch of the restaurant when a 16-year-old punk slipped in after closing to rob the place. He shot Barry in the chest twice, and Barry died two days later. I was a pall bearer in his funeral, which was also the first funeral I ever attended. Graduating didn't mean much to me after that.
8. I got laid by a prostitute in Budapest, Hungary. Didn't know she was a whore at the time, and don't really care—she was damn fine. Found out afterwords that my great-uncle Zoltan (yeah, that's really his name) arranged it and paid for it. Best fucking gift ever!
9. My son developed a serious case of pneumonia a couple of months after his second birthday and needed to be hospitalized. It pained me to see my little dynamo bedridden with a bunch of tubes sticking in him. But it got even worse when the doctor gave us this news: they needed to catheterize him to test for a kidney infection. My wife went with him when they did it because I just couldn't bear seeing them shove a rod up his wee willy. There were two heavy hospital doors and more than 30 feet of hallway separating the room I was in from the room where they had my son, but his wail of anguish when they inserted the catheter was so loud it would have penetrated 12-foot-thick concrete walls. I cried that day.
10. Each year around labor day, Cincinnati holds an event called Riverfest, which typically draws around 500,000 people for a huge fireworks display in the evening. Some years ago, three friends and I went to the festival with a huge beer bong we had constructed that morning. I swear, this fucker would hold a six pack of beer! The beer lines were always long at the event, so shot-gunning a 32-oz cup of beer while you get back in line for the next one seemed like a good idea. By the time the four of us had passed through the line the first time and bonged our beers, we had quite a gathering of people around us cheering us on and asking if they could use the bong themselves. Over the next half hour, the crowd grew into a circle of probably a hundred or more people, many quite intoxicated from hammering their beers with our contraption. By that point, things start getting a little hazy in my memory as the effects of the four or five beers I had bonged took hold. All I know is that the following year, they outlawed all beer and liquor sales at Riverfest and haven't sold any since. Coincidence? I think not.
User Reviews
Submitted by vergedor (user info) at 2008-10-06 12:35:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Zoltan for president!
Submitted by hellish (user info) at 2008-10-04 02:09:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by write-of-way (user info) at 2008-10-02 15:24:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First round voting ends Friday at midnight!
Give them a read even if they won by forfeit, there's some really good stuff.
icarus1987: Gargoyle http://www.ubersite.com/m/118950
vs
Impassive-Digressive: The Gargoyle http://www.ubersite.com/m/118922
stardamage: Floorboards http://www.ubersite.com/m/118960
vs
Ahumblefool: Floorboards http://www.ubersite.com/m/118981
Fungah: Like Unto Stone http://www.ubersite.com/m/119028
vs
JoeyG: Heartstarter http://www.ubersite.com/m/119012
inion_de_trua: the blizzard http://www.ubersite.com/m/119033
vs
Jack_McCallum: The Blizzard http://www.ubersite.com/m/118987
Hornet: The Nest http://www.ubersite.com/m/118982
vs
Gonefiguring: The Nest http://www.ubersite.com/m/119029
Brian_Johns: The Unspoken http://www.ubersite.com/m/118961
Brdn_Nkd: Under Glass http://www.ubersite.com/m/118973
Squirrelly_Girl: Who Killed the Chokomut Loving Zombie and Why? http://www.ubersite.com/m/118945
Snark: Brick by Brick http://www.ubersite.com/m/119032
Whiskeyjack: Needles http://www.ubersite.com/m/118983
Desz: Duel http://www.ubersite.com/m/118989
Sandmantate: Burning Eyes http://www.ubersite.com/m/118997
NintendoCzar: Made to be Broken http://www.ubersite.com/m/119021
Frankthebear: Pearls Of Wisdom http://www.ubersite.com/m/118941
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-10-02 15:21:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This +2 is to encourage you to vote Astley.
http://ema.mtv.co.uk/vote/#__best_act_ever
Now do it.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-10-02 13:43:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-10-02 10:09:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-10-02 07:07:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by 100watt.warlock (user info) at 2008-10-02 06:28:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for an uncle or a great uncle named Zoltan.
-1 for having your full name in the filename, mr. editor.
+1 for having a cool dad
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2008-10-01 23:45:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Little Rock has an event called Riverfest too. I went to it just this summer and saw ZZ Top in concert. BOOYA!
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-10-01 23:17:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed it.
Submitted by Franger (user info) at 2008-10-01 23:08:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
They are supposed to provide a local anaesthetic when they give you a catheter of that sort, I'd say its more likely the wail you heard was the scream of anguish at having a needle shoved into his cock.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-10-01 23:02:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pirate gerbils are a scourge on this planet.
Submitted by StereoTypist (user info) at 2008-10-01 19:59:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
<<Yawn>>
Is this STILL going on?
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-10-01 19:39:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-10-01 19:30:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DTII (user info) at 2008-10-01 17:02:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lee Harvey, you are a madman. When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with you, cowboy. If the two of us together, forget it.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-10-01 17:01:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, there are ANOTHER 10 reasons it sucks to be you ....
http://www.ubersite.com/m/70591
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-10-01 16:26:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
By the by, I'm aware that Romulus AND Remus were the founders of Rome. My family, to my knowledge, has no Italian in it whatsoever. I guess for whatever reason my people decided to name one of their decedents after Romulus and Remus. My dad studied our genealogy a few years back and made that discovery.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-10-01 16:19:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2008-10-01 16:03:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I had a relative called Zoltan. The best I can rustle up is Gordon.
==================================
One of my great great great (to the nth power) grandfathers was named Romulus Remus.
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-10-01 16:16:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Amused is the weather.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-10-01 16:11:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-10-01 16:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
2. I used to harass my younger sister when we were kids by pulling pranks on her and physically tormenting her. On one occasion, I had her in a scissor hold with my legs and held her until she became furious and red-faced, which caused me to break out in an uncontrollable fit of laughter and subsequently release my grip. She immediately pounced on my chest and tried to pin me to the floor, which only made me laugh harder. This apparently was not an acceptable response, and she reacted by spitting directly in my wide-open, guffawing mouth. She thought it was pretty funny...until I threw up on her.
========================================
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
This sounds like something I'd have done...
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2008-10-01 16:03:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2008-10-01 16:03:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I had a relative called Zoltan. The best I can rustle up is Gordon.
Submitted by John_H_Kim (user info) at 2008-10-01 15:55:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It made me smile.
Submitted by deeblek (user info) at 2008-10-01 15:48:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment