Hillbilly Mountain Folk Knowledge (435 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: -0.18 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Danielle<aussietree82.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2003-08-12 02:15:58 EDT
You know, all through my short life, I have acquired some fascinatingly unusual knowledge. I know things that only witch doctors and the infamous Granny Clampet (from the Beverly Hillbillies) would know. It could easily be deemed as "queer (I mean that in terms of weirdness; none of which would seem unusual to my kin) mountain folk knowledge".
Through trial and error, or perhaps boredom-driven investigation, I have learned many things about homosapien anatomical functioning. Did you know that (SOME OF THESE ARE DISGUSTINGLY GRAFFIC AND COMPLETELY UNNESSECARY) ...
-if you've eaten far more cheese than recommended for human consumption and you're backed up like I-85 during rush hour traffic, take a 200mg caffeine tablet. This is guaranteed to clear up the "highway" quickly and usually without any "accidents"
-after I orgasm during sex (for some reason, this doesn't happen when I masterbate), my nose runs profmasturbateonder if this happens to any other women.
- after a day of hiking, no matter what I've eaten or how much water I have consumed, my piss is always a very dark reddish-orange, almost the colour of river mud. I've wondered if I should see a doctor about this.
-I am unable to eat Chick-fil-a chicken due to the fact that they use a very special ingredient in their frying. Appearantly, my stomach cannot handle peanut oil under any circumstances. But I can rest in the knowledge of knowing that if my caffeine laxative should ever fail me, I always have a back-up plan waiting for me at the counters of my local Chick-fil-a.
-meat, dairy and eggs are the worst thing one could ever put into their body? Meat rots inside your digestive system, harbouring parasites such as worms and deadly strains of bacteria. Particles of meat collect in the crevices and wrinkles of the small and large intestines, providing a nice warm place for bacteria to thrive. People wonder why they have the shits and are plagued with Irritable Bowel Syndrome. This is why. I could preach for days. As for dairy... you wonder why you have allergies? Our bodies weren't designed to drink milk after weening, let alone constantly pump another animal full of artificial hormones to produce what mother nature intended for us to stop drinking after infancy. There is a reason that your mothers milk eventually dried up. The chemical compound in any other milk besides our mothers own doesn't fit the "keys" to our immunity. Our bodies see the cultures of bacteria as outsiders and start to fight them off. Some (more than half the population) peoples bodies never evolve to accomodate them and therefore they are always plagued with an overflow of mucous (these chemicals irritate the mucous membranes and cause increased mucous production). That's why people who are lactose intolerate (like me) always get the major shits when they consume dairy. And let's not forget eggs. Eggs are chock full of protein, but for every gram of protien, there is lots of cholesteral to make the payoff compromising. Not to mention the whole issue of battery cage conditions. These hens and chickens are treated so poorly. They are crammed so closely next to one another that the space they are allowed is about the size of half a piece of notebook paper. Most the time the are kept pregnant without rests inbetween until they eventually died from a heart attack as a result of being pump ful of unnatural hormones. Enough of that.
When I think of more intersting facts, I'll write more. This installment wasn't that great, but it should suffice.
User Reviews
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-08-12 10:25:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
-I am unable to eat Chick-fil-a chicken due to the fact that they use a very special ingredient in their frying.
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Peanut oil has a high smoke point and so a lot of fast food restaurants use it regardless of the consequences to the consumer.
Boycott the fucking place.
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2003-08-12 10:23:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me smile...it reminds me of this guy I know. He was on comedy central once. He wrote a book. Its called Milk the Deadly Poison. Yeah. I tried reading that book. It sucked.
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2003-08-12 09:47:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This post was fairly decent until the stupid vegan rant. -2 for you.
Submitted by SubstnceP (user info) at 2003-08-12 08:22:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well...Although you think your hillbilly adventures have educated you, I'm here to tell you that you're wrong. First let me start by saying bravo...caffine will help your constipation. Secondly, the rest of your nonsense is rather troubling. I'm particularly worried about the nose running thing. My guess is that it is cerebral-spinal fluid leaking from a small tear in your blood-brain membrane. The hole is tiny and only leaks when you exert strain on it, like when you orgasm. As for the redish-brown color of your urine...the brown doesn't bother me as much as the red. My guess is that one of your kidneys has pulled loose from the fat surrounding your abdomen wall. When you hike, you are inadvertantly jarring the shit out of your now free hanging organ, and consequently causing damage to it...hence, blood in urine.
Lastly, the part about not consuming those foods is utterly preposterous. I would love to see you try and live with out eating meat, dairy or eggs. I mean, it is possible if you ingest a ton of multi vitamins and eat nothing but algea and tofu; but it is just not practical. The bacteria which you speak of is actually in our bodies before we ingest the food. It lives in our intestinal track in order to break down the food we eat. Our bodies are designed to culture this stuff, because with out it, we wouldn't be able to fully absorb the nutrients we need. Indeed some food does mess with our digestive process, but it's only the stuff that General Tso wouldn't put his name on. Most of the perishable food in the USA is approved for consumption by the FDA and after applying heat, the harmful bacteria is erradicated.
To sum up my arguement here...you have proven that modern knowledge far surpasses your hillbilly mis-education, and that most of your points are moot. One more piece of advice...see a doctor, immediately. I really hope I'm not right about the cerebral fluid thing, but I've heard of it happening before. Better safe than sorry.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-08-12 07:35:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
damnitt danielle! i wanted to read this.
but i will not read words stacked dick to ass without paragraphs.
break it up next time 4 crissakes!
Submitted by Moneypenny (user info) at 2003-08-12 05:26:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
uh oh didn't realise you were a milksuck.com er
bloody Trots.
-2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2003-08-12 05:14:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
FUCK OFF!!
Steak rules!
Submitted by dasteve (user info) at 2003-08-12 05:06:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Lactose intolerant and preaching about not drinking milk. Shut the fuck up.
Submitted by Moneypenny (user info) at 2003-08-12 04:11:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"- after a day of hiking, no matter what I've eaten or how much water I have consumed, my piss is always a very dark reddish-orange, almost the colour of river mud. I've wondered if I should see a doctor about this. "
I know the answer to one .. when you are hiking or doing strenuous exercise you use up more water in your body so less of it goes through your bit which makes you wee ( I dunno what there called I'm no Dr) which make your urine more concentrated which is why it seems a funny brown colour.
+2 for me knowing the answer to a question!
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2003-08-12 03:33:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As much as I hate your evil Milksucks.com Commie Propaganda;
+2 because you brought up some very interesting points.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2003-08-12 02:44:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, no...