The Grand Poobah (619 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.9 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Poots (View user info) at 2008-10-05 12:06:36 EDT
The Grand Poobah slept comfortably on his giant sack of shit. The giant sack of shit was indeed a special sack of shit made from moist cricket poo, which as every poo connoisseur knows is the loftiest most sack ready sleeper poo one can acquire in this universe. Certainly the Grand Poobah found it comfortable and slept like a twice raped vietnamese horse. Coincidently the Grand Poobah had taken a liking to raping vietnamese horses and had two ready for him every morn stalled in his eastern stable. He had found that if he broke only the front legs the horses were easily readied for his grand peni which stood 5 feet tall and boasted an impressive 2 feet in diameter when erect. He didn't like a cocky penis and slapped it for boasting, "naughty penis" he would say as he cocked his head to the left and pointed after he slapped his now red throbbing member but I digress. His massive girth tended to hamper his horse raping but, as Poobahs go, he was certainly anything but lackluster or lazy when it came to performing deviant acts of sexual conduct. He was a proud performer and would often times find himself posturing a tight flex while making haughty jaw jutted faces midrape.
Good god man....
The Grand Poobah awoke from his cricket poop bag and wiped the sleepy from his eyes. Rolling over he found the pitcher of dip spit he collected the night before at the salloon in the middle of town. He took a big pull from it and exhaled like a child who ran around until exhausted then drank their weight in water would wiping his mouth as he did. Gasping for air he hacked up a loogey and spit it on his "lung butter wall" where it dripped until it caught on other dried loogies. He smiled at that and inhaled the foul stench of his living quarters deeply while looking around for something good to eat.
He scratched his belly, rolled back on his ass a bit then, using his knees as support, pushed himself up towards his cupboard. He caught himself on his toes almost toppling over then flung his body foward honing in on the cupboard doors greedily licking his lips during his early morning jaunt.
When he reached the cupboard doors he flung them open wildly almost causing them to break off thier rusty hinges and eyed the cache of food he had gleaned by foraging in bogs and stealing from little school girls and nuns from the nearby monastery. He had a variety of hairsprays ranging cheap aqua net to the very palatable panteen pro v. There were eggs of different age/color levels. Some were pickled in jars that he used for special occasions and some set in the open air of the cupboard stinky it up something special.
"Tastes as good as any egg I ever tasted" he would proclaim proudly, perhaps gobbling down a few, with his chest puffed when questioned on the sanitary level of this storage technique.
He spoke proudly of his many combs with the hair still on them that he kept in a special box in his cupboard. He kept them next to his blood bait which he used to season the combs with.
His stomach growled something horrible and he let out, after hiking his left leg up, a viscious fart that he captured in his hand and lifted to his nose to wiff in pure delight. His eyes rolled and he barked "I've got to get me something to eat but everything looks so good I want it all," and actually thoght of himself turning his mouth up to the cupboard and just shovle every bit of it in his mouth.
He patted his stomach and shook his head in a disaproving manner. He recantted the idea of eating it all while waving a pointed finger and proclaiming with his eybrows arched, "I've got to practice some restraint, I'll have nothing to eat tomorrow except puke if I gourge myself like a drunk bitch. Althouh puke aint half bad! NONSENSE! I'll just keep looking till something catches me eye. That's the smart Poobah in me talking. Heh heh heh..."
"BLARG," he belched a green gas that shook the windows and peeled the paint on the walls then continued to look through his cupboard.
He eyed the items he had found on his walks through the woods. He had assorted snake skins, elephant eyeballs, taranchula testicles, smelly skunk spit, bat balls, fish faces, parrot poop, zebra zygotes, and an array of bear butts.
"Alrighty, I've got it!," he announced to nobody. The room was empty except for him and his "tenderizer," a mountain of flies and their larvae. He scooped up some bear butt and a 1 year old egg, sniffing it as he lifted it.
"I'll make a butt-egg...," he lowered his head in reverence and continued on, "me dear mothers second favorite recipe," he snorted out wiping at his eyes as he did. He took a deep breath, turned on his heels and headed towards the tenderizer. Once there he slid the butt in and set a timer on the wall for 10 minutes.
"That oughta do don'cha think" he smiled as he looked down on his stomach patting it.
"Gurgle," his stomach responded.
"Eegads, I'm sorry friend I'll take care of ye," and scooted off towards his bog in the east wing of his shit mansion.
He made his way through the east wing singing a shity song as he scooted slowly towards his shitter.
"Oh my shit don't stink in a stinky way
The best plops come at the start of day
Gonna poop hard my ass might saaaaaaaay
I've got a turd for each and every day...."
"Har har har," he laughed at his song and stoped short of the bog hearing a strange noise.
"What was that strange noise," he questioned his stomach. "Prolly nuthin. Prolly was you wasnit?" he asked his stomach and laughed a bit. "Prolly not some strange man dressed in a purple mask and clashing pink socks with only a blue tutu covering his ugly man parts. Thank turds, cause if it were I wouldn't know what to do." He cowered a bit and his eyes widened as he spoke. His knees shifted and began to shake a bit in fear and he started chomping fervorously on his fingernails. He got a huge erection and swatted at it.
"Quit now Harry, aint no time to fuck," he scolded his penis.
"Your time is over,NA-NA-NA-NOWWWWW, turd monster for I am here to slay thee," proclaimed a man in a purple mask wearing clashing pink socks and only a blue tutu covering his ugly man parts. He whiped on a curved blade about five feet in length and swiped with both hands at the grand poobahs member slicing it right off. Pulling the sword to his puffed out chest and over his head parting his eyes with the blade he proclaimed, "I am The Great Samsius, turd monster hunter and burgoo specialist." He produced a card with phone and fax number indeed proclaiming him as turd hunter/burgoo specialist and flicked it at the Great Poobah.
"OWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEE, you son of a bitch what did you go and do that for," questioned the Poobah looking at his flopping cock on the floor with disdain.
"Well, I thought it evident when I said I was a turd monster HA-Ha-HA-HUNTER," he sang the last bit and smiled a toothy I just cut your cock off smile.
"Take this you gutless bitch," and the poobah pointed his cockless crotch at the hunter spraying acridly vile green and yellow juice at him.
"You'll not get me with that old trick Mr. PA-PA-PA POOOOOO monster," once again he sang adding a bit of indignation to his tone. He deftly dodged the cockless piss and sliced the monsters head off in the same motion.
"You'll die like the rest," adding a stab to through eyeball as he slid past the monster and walked through the door disappearing into the misty poo.
User Reviews
Submitted by kgbpasha (user info) at 2008-10-09 01:00:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for the "but i digress"
I'm tired of that shit, that's as
far as I read.
I'm sure the rest of it was good.
Submitted by zoobie2000 (user info) at 2008-10-06 11:31:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
this was sick and childish
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2008-10-06 10:26:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
delightfully insane
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-10-06 09:51:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sure it's awesome but I couldn't get past the shit and horse rape in the first paragraph.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-06 09:33:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay, yes, I'm sure this is all wonderfully weird and deliciously surreal or whatever, but I couldn't read past the first paragraph.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-10-06 04:29:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would like to know what a cricket poop bag is, my cricket bag merely holds my cricket equipment, I think thats normal, am i missing some poop?
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-10-06 02:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love the smell of Cup-O-Fart® in the morning.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-10-06 01:38:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good god man
What cocktail of drugs were used to inspire this nonsense?
Submitted by Otter (user info) at 2008-10-06 00:18:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 just for the Hitchhiker's Guide-esque absurdity of it.
Submitted by Randy_Rottenbuckets (user info) at 2008-10-05 19:47:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pootastic
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2008-10-05 12:07:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
PERRY, PERRY, BACK SLASH, THRUST!