GrUberfest: Death Rattle (592 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.54 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Susie Derkins (for Icarus) (View user info) at 2008-10-07 12:43:20 EDT
This is posted in behalf of Icarus_1987, who is off on vacation with his lovely wife.
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Once upon a time there was an old broad who sat around solving murders and eating crumpets. Unfortunately, that would be an extremely boring and predictable story, so let's also throw in a gargoyle named Pink Pony. And have them meet in a scary place. Like the DMV.
"Why hello there, old bean," said the little old lady, "I say, you look a bit hipped. What seems to be the matter?"
"It's my teeth." Said the Gargoyle. "They're all broken from the acid rain, and now I can't go around biting hot guys on the ass and turning them into gargoyles and also address rocks."
"Oh, I bite hot guys on the ass all the time," said Mrs. Fletcher. "You just need to glue your dentures to your gums with Polygrip."
Even Tony Soprano thought this was an awesome idea. And so Pink Pony bit Mrs. Fletcher all over her face and ass and turned her into a Gargoyle, and they went around fighting crime and drinking weak tea and biting hot men in the ass. Unfortunately, one day, they were back getting their driver's license photos renewed when Mrs. Fletcher revealed she was in love with Pink Pony.
"Huh" Said Pink Pony.
"Wow," Said Tony Soprano.
"Huh?" Said Angela Lansbury, "That's what you have to say when your partner and wing man of like five hundred million years tells you she loves you? HUH??"
"Well, it's just that, you know, I'm gay and all."
"Yes, but I figured that when the RIGHT woman came along..."
"I see. What a condescending notion. Gayness is just a switch."
"No!"
"And I can just flip it on and off like a vibrating butt plug when it's convenient for the 'right woman'. Who I guess is you."
"Well, no, Pink Pony. I'm just saying..."
"I see how it is."
"It's just, y'know, we both like antique-collecting, and doilies and Bette Midler, so..."
"I see. That is true. And if you were Lindsay Lohan or Barbara Streisand I could probably put my baby carrot in your dill dip. But you're SO fucking old, and that dill dip is AWFULLY stale."
"OMG!"
"I'm sorry, I didn't..."
"NO IT'S FINE, REALLY. IF YOU'LL EXCUSE MY BLASPHEMOUS ELDERLINESS, I HAVE TO GO SIT ON A CHURCH OR SOMETHING. OR MAYBE FIND A PLACE TO FUCKING DIE."
"WASSAMADDAYOU??"
"WAIT, WAS THAT TONY SOPRANO? WHO THE HELL'S EVEN TALKING??!"
"THE NARRATOR NARC'S NOT EVEN ATTRIBUTING QUOTES ANYMORE!"
"WHADDA LAZY SHMUCK. CANOLLI! RAGU SAUCE! FUGGEDABOUDIT!"
And so the first Fag Hag was born, and ever since that day, Angela Lansbury has been flitting around the shadows of emo girl's rooms convincing them to listen to Tori Amos music and tricking their obviously gay platonic friends into stuffing their baby carrot in their dill dip. Or whatever.
THE END?
User Reviews
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-10-23 17:38:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wonder whether that's Jack or Bubba driving. Bubba's usually the angry, incoherent drunk, while Jack's the snarky closeted homosexual.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2009-10-08 23:16:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by willartstorg (user info) at 2009-09-18 00:56:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i got stoned and i missed it.
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Really though? What made you come back almost a year later to rate this??
Submitted by willartstorg (user info) at 2009-09-18 00:56:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i got stoned and i missed it.
Submitted by Cakes (user info) at 2009-09-17 23:19:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2008-12-16 10:13:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey yo. If you see this, shoot me an email HighVoltage900.at.aol.com .
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-10-10 12:14:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell yeah.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-10-08 18:00:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SUSIE DERKINS IS MY MAKE-BELIEVE SISTER-IN-LAW!!! HOW DARE THE LOT OF YOU!! IF I TALK ALL IN CAPS, IT SEEMS TOTALLY SERIOUS!
ALSO, MY RATINGS DON'T COUNT HERE BECAUSE SUSIE DERKINS IS MY ALTER.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-10-07 16:28:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
rating the poster, as I have no fucking clue as to what is going on here.
Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart (user info) at 2008-10-07 15:09:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always assumed gargoyles lived longer than us mortals, so that was a pretty low thing to say to Mrs. Fletcher after she just proposed (to an extent).
(PS. Is this your way of professing your love for Icarus? (you can reply in parentheses and he won't be able to see it))
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-10-07 14:38:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-10-07 14:25:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
scariest post ever
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-10-07 13:38:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well Mrs Icarus, this was super.
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2008-10-07 12:58:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"if you were Lindsay Lohan or Barbara Streisand I could probably put my baby carrot in your dill dip"
Cue mental picture of Tom Hanks eating baby corn in Big