Sweep the leg...Johnny (655 hits)
Category: Sound & MusicRating: 0.7 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by NotApologizing (Only 'latina' & 'ay-rab' left to go) (View user info) at 2008-10-07 15:45:52 EDT
I played an indoor soccer match last night, and our opponents (who we've played once before) brought in a new member. He was skinny, slow, clumsy, and never looked anywhere but down at the ball. What he lacked in all areas of football skill, however, he made up for in 'oops' make-believe after pushing off. You know, when someone uses their full strength to push you, then immediately puts his hands up in the air like he were shimmying across a wall. "What...me?" "I didn't push anyone..."
A native of Nigeria, I pictured him typing one of those bank scam letters offering me 25% of 50 million pounds in exchange for my bank account number. Then I went into thought about how that scam evolved. I remembered my time in college, when sophisticated pan handlers would walk our campus wearing suits and towing a wheeled suitcase. They'd describe how a couple bad breaks left them in need of $10 to cover their bus fare back to Atlanta, after which they'd send me $20 from their home. They'd show their drivers license, and would often make the mistake of opening a wallet full of credit cards. "the bus lines accept credit cards...use one of those to pay...". I never fell for the scam, although I liked to offend them by offering a cigarette or an empty soda bottle (we get $0.10/ea for returning empties in Michigan) in place of the $10 they wanted. As I played out the scenario in my head, I pictured the suit-clad stranded traveler moving to Nigeria to run his bank scam. Lately, I respond to these emails with comments about the superiority of Argentinian soccer, usually baiting them into admission that they are, in fact, Nigerian and not the English bankers they claim to be.
Inevitably my thoughts drifted to disbelief at how naive some people are. "Stupid Dickhats", I muttered to myself. It was then that I realized the similarities between me and the Nigerians pretending to be personal bankers for British oil tycoons. Rather than money, the commodity I've acquired in abundance due mostly to untruths has been vagina. One of my victims was sifting through the 'my photos' folder of my PC, and happened across a sub-folder entitled "1st Anniversary". She knew I had a daughter, but was completely unaware of my marital status (legally separated at the time, but she knew nothing at all of the marriage). I was able to Grinch my way out of trouble with the following explanation: "No, I'm not married and never was. We took those photos together, but they were all completely staged. We didn't want our daughter thinking she was conceived and born out of wedlock..." That load of steaming poo was accepted without hesitation and her pants were off less than 2-hours later. Silly, absent minded foreign ladies...gotta love 'em.
In some cases, the lies have given way to initiatives that were far more elaborate and long term. My work frequently sees me travel to Japan. I visited there exactly 2-years ago and met a young lady about to leave for a working holiday in Australia. I played nice with her and to be honest didn't even get her as far as the lobby of my hotel. But, by being a supportive shoulder to cry on during her often lonely stay in Oz, I've banked enough nice-guy points to have her waiting pantyless in the airport when I go back to Japan this December. The monthly phone calls and periodic emails were an investment, with my return coming a couple years later in the form of 'Japoon' for 2 weeks.
As an aside, I am not the type to wallow in guilt. Over my 30 years, I've surely had at least an equal number of women approach me with questionable motives. The latest one actually asked me for $1,600 to help pay her rent and some bills after faking interest in me and hitting the sack a few times. Plain and simple, she's a whore who's slightly more vested in her trick. As I booted her the 'F' out, I recalled renaissance poet 'Too Short':
"But you still jumped yo' fast ass in anyway
If any other nigga picked you up it'd be payday"
Yes I'm evil and my karma is lower than a turd pool. I admit it, and accept whatever fate this life (or the next) has in store for me!
In closing, here's a video that I believe every child of the 80's should see (you must watch at least to the 6-minute mark):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFlQNtL8F9s
User Reviews
Submitted by NotApologizing (user info) at 2008-10-08 16:24:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the best pan-handler sign I've ever seen read: "My wife has been kidnapped and I'm 99¢ from paying her ransom...can you spare $1 for love?"
As for the youtube link, the quality of the song is not really the point. It's notable that all of the Karate Kid actors appeared in the video other than the deceased Pat Morita. Imagine that, appearing in a video for some no-name band who wrote a song about a 20 year old movie.
God I hate Joe Pesci...
Submitted by Spuzzum (user info) at 2008-10-08 01:43:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Holy crap that video and song is terrible.
Submitted by Otter (user info) at 2008-10-07 21:20:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it when they see the Marine Corps decal on my Jeep then hit me with the "Help out a fellow Marine" line. I asked a guy what unit he was in, he replied, "101st Airborne." Too bad the 101st is an ARMY unit. I made it a point to explain very loudly to everyone within hearing that he had never served in the military and they shouldn't give him a hand out for besmirching the good name of the U.S. military.
Then there was the "will work for food" sign guy at the end of the freeway off ramp, begging for cash, yet he had a Trek mountain bike hidden in the bushes near by.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-10-07 21:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I had to bail on that video once music started happening.
I am angered that they took their name from a really good Pavement song, well, maybe they don't realize it, but that is a really good Pavement song.
This +1 is for not giving that slut $1,600
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-10-07 20:26:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
what was the fucking point again?
Submitted by TooMuchMan (user info) at 2008-10-07 20:06:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2008-10-07 16:15:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It doesn't matter how bad that song is.
Yes it does. That song insults all that is good and just in the Karate Kid universe.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2008-10-07 19:51:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Do you have a problem with that?!"
Submitted by therealgeddylee (user info) at 2008-10-07 16:34:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, we got those idiots (the "ZOMG i lost my wallet and i need only $9 more for a bus ticket" idiots) here in Newark. I hate that shit. I usually flip out on them and educate them on how to tell a story to hold a listener's attention.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-10-07 16:32:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2008-10-07 16:15:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It doesn't matter how bad that song is.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-10-07 16:01:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'Japoon' hahahaha