Derte Sanchez, that's my fifa 09 managers name. (628 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.04 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by achTUNGBABY (View user info) at 2008-10-09 12:01:44 EDT
hi. When I was a little kid I had a doll, not a gay girl doll a real doll, Action Jackson. It took a bit to acquire Action, I launched a whinging, whining little bitch campaign on my suspecting parents to get him - I got my first surfboard the same way, sitting at the Kirra pub having lunch as a ten year old, watching as boardriders paddled out, sitting in the calm and waiting for the undulating swell. Until then I was adamant body surfing was the purest form - I was like a body-surfing activist, but these guys seemed so fucking relaxed, and watching them paddle onto a wave something inside clicked, all of a sudden boards weren't so lame.
Buy me a board Dad buy me a board buy me a board buy me a board. I got one the same day I was such a hardcore whinger. I got a Honensee single box-fin - battered, waterlogged, nearly two feet longer than me and second hand, but fuck me I totally pwned my parents.
I digress.
Action Jackson. He was a bitching superstar. You could purchase him...well your parents could, in three iterations. Pure white goodness Action, bearded Action or nigger homo Jackson. I went for bearded Action, he was stupidly tough and had obviously spent more time in the not-included jungle fatigues than pure white, and nigger homo. Nigger homo Jackson knew about the jungle - sure, but not like bearded - bearded got paid for being in the jungle and even in the seventies that was mercenary.
I dragged bearded around in my unoffical Action wooden jeep for months, I was like "LET'S GO KILL DR ANGRY" and bearded would just bounce around in the red wooden jeep with his manikin hands not quite holding the non-existent steering wheel.
"fuck you grandpa for not fashioning a steering wheel out of silky oak" l remember thinking, okay I made that bit up - I was just happy to have the jeep, it didn't need to to be fire-engine red but still it was pretty cool.
Anyway I would pull the jeep along on a piece of string, bearded deftly steering his steering-wheel-less jeep through the mud, me occassionally glancing back and thinking, "you go bearded."
So as time passed, bearded got more rock hard and I found new ways to make him launch adversity attacks against Angry and the System of POW, we had this holiday house at Coloundra that my grandad built...replete with no steering wheel....and I used to wake early on account of being a little kid and make bearded rappel down the side of the house on knotted string, if you wedged the knots between his rigor mortis fingers he was sweet with it. Sometimes Mum would wake because it was 4:30 and stand in the doorway and yell "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING" but mostly I would just lower him down the side of the house to kick some arse.
We lived on, well - during the holidays at the steering-wheel-less house, a fairly acute cornered street, often when I sat on the patio playing with my Airfix 1/72nd scale Africa Korp v the hopelessly inept 8th Army a motorcyclist or some teenagers in a car would not exactly negotiate the corner and end up upside down on the grassy-yet-to-be-sold off and sub-divided embankment. My dad would extend his christian charity and typically race across the road to ask if the hells angel or teenagers were okay. I'd sit on the patio, with my mum standing next to me and watching her hero stand the motorbike back up or drag bodies from a flaming wreck, and I'd just look down into the sandpit I'd fashioned in Mums missing oven tray with all the readily available sand, all the while thinking if it wasn't for Australians Rommell could've taken Tobruk, and ping off my less favourite pieces with the flick of a finger - germans were okay in my book, and they had better uniforms...
From the house we could walk down to Moffatts, not swim it was unpatrolled and subsequently not netted. My brother rode a surf-ski into a tree there. Dad had said there's a cyclone, don't go down there you'll end up in a tree. At Moffatts - a righthand headland break, a strongish tide cuts a channel into Two Way Lake. My brother thought my dad was being melodramatic, took a surf ski down to Moffatts, and ended up in a tree in Two Way. It was funny until he beat me up for laughing at him.
I lowered bearded down his knotted string, Mum had yelled at me to stop making so much noise at 4:30 in the morning, so instead of screaming go go go when he made the jungle below (bearded was only like 9 inches tall, so the weeds and garden it's all relative), I just made SAS signals. Bearded gave me his manikin response, I panicked and gave him the "come back" sign, and he was gone.
"Come in Action, do you read me beard?" I implored, nothing......I spake into my incy plastic radio,
and then Mum came back in and I did my best sleep walking impersonation back into the high bunk. She went to pull the sheets over me but I slept pulled them before she could.
Mum did her cranky jesus I'm meant to be on holidays stomp back to my parents room, and I stuck a thumb out over the frame of the double bunk to bearded. He was alone but in my mind he'd gone to carolina.
That morning, at a more resonable hour I ran down the backstairs, rounded the garden hedging the house and bearded was gone. I blinked a bit, searched pretty fucking frantically after blinking a bit more, found the knotted string....fingers searching along it - peering back at the tattered end...was it mother cat? Mother Cat was a bad, BAD tabby who ate anything, jesus bearded was going after dr angry he had no beef with mother cat...
-------------
My brother, Big Pete, he pretty much reinforced where I was in life at any given time. Six years my senior, I could snort at him behind my dads lanky but offical frame when Pete parked a fucking surf ski in a tree, but Dad had to go to work most days. Mostly it was okay because we were at school and schools had headmasters, but train rides home don't, nor do really mundane things like jumping fences to go to the neighbours without expecting tennis balls to hit you in the small of your back...
Big Pete. He played the satellite tour in Europe, against Gullickson (Sp) and Patrick McEnroe and stuff. I like Led Zeppelin, have a penchant for Uriah Heap and Ritchie Blackmores Rainbow because Pete wouldn't let me listen to abba. I still don't particularly care for dr who but I did like Monkey even though he beat me up for not liking it enough.
One day, up at the house at Caloundra, we'd been to Dickie Beach - so named because of the wreck - the Dickie, a frigate of some sort that got washed ashore, it's odd because I grew up there, was too young to snigger at the name, but always remembered the wreck being huge, I took my kids there a couple of weeks ago and it looks small and much closer to shore even on a low tide. Anyway back in the day we were at Dickie, there was a shark alarm, it wasn't particularly unusual, mostly they were just dolphins, I was only 10 and I heard the bell and ignored it until I saw my dad knee deep in the water earnestly waving me in. I paddled in, panicked a bit in the trough between the sandbars and turned back to look at everybody else as my dad dragged me by my arm.
We made our way up the beach, Mum and Dad heading back down as I sat breathless and stupidly concerned with my uncle and aunt, I was panting, looking back at my parents the clubbies still ringing the bell, people were slogging through the same trough and a dozen surfers a hundred metres out acted like nothing was happening.
My sisters and I were rushed back to the house, and I ran straight back down the hill, right past the accident yet to be sub-divided corner, across Moffatts and the slipperly rocks between it and Dickie like one of those fag wood elves from lord of the rings - I just skipped across them like I could fucking fly, I was wearing swim-team red budgie smugglers and the minute I slowed, looked and thought jesus pete's been eaten by a shark, he appeared around the corner, blonde, laconic, not a care in the world.
"JESUS PETE I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD". I didn't say it so much as think it.
He ruffled my hair, said what's wrong I was surfing the wreck, and I held him like I never thought I'd let go, sobbed, and probably pissed a little in my dick-stickers.
"I saw Action Bearded, at the wreck - floating upside down on his little plastic tummy."
"really?"
"no."
User Reviews
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-11-12 08:29:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-11-05 10:27:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was ace.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-11-05 09:39:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hakuna matata!
POINTS!!
<3 Sage
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-10-11 12:41:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unmistakable.
Some funny lines in here.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-10-10 09:05:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was good.
i had a gijoe with beard and a nasty scar on his face.
he used to threaten eval kaneival, so i had to keep them apart.
oh sure, eval was no match for gi joe, who could smash eval's face in at a moments notice, but when gi wasnt looking or thought eval was down, heèd turn his back and eval would jump on his harley and mow him down. fuck joe hated that. many a time after getting flattened like mel gibson's wife in mad max I by toecutter, did eval havta dodge submachine gun bullits blasting around him. sometimes he would get hit, but he did not fear death.
where are they now? wish i still had my two best buds...
Submitted by kgbpasha (user info) at 2008-10-10 00:58:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for use of the following:
"I digress."
I'm sure it was a good read.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2008-10-09 20:49:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Wuzi (user info) at 2008-10-09 15:58:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I will give you a one because what parts were coherent were pretty funny. "Nigger homo Jackson" made me laugh.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-10-09 15:51:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I miss the har-har-rabbit.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-10-09 14:38:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
didn't read, but your user name if fucking awesome.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-10-09 13:46:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Brevity is the soul of wit, my foreign friend.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-10-09 12:58:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
whos alter is this?
Submitted by AChtungbaby (user info) at 2008-10-09 12:27:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
go to bed sam, daylight savings and all, go to bed.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-10-09 12:05:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
to explain to those puzzled by this: victoria is where we keep our retards, here in australia.
though at least you didnt start with 'hi this is my first post' so +1 for you