Jack McCallum thanks for the memories. I think? (881 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.26 on 54 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by simplemindedhafwit (View user info) at 2008-10-10 12:26:30 EDT
I was a toe head. My hair has darkened over the years but when I was a kid it was ghostly white, rather long, thick and wavy. I've got a Charlie Brown noggin.
In first grade a boy sat behind me in class named Burt Seaton. He was a rather large kid who looked older than the other kids. Probably failed Kindergarten a time or two? Most of my classmates were afraid of him but I wasn't. I had Burt right where I wanted him. He was like putty in my hands. You see I had something Burt wanted. Burt always smelled like bacon. Me, I was rather small and always smelled like pine tree sap and cheese. Or as my big brother used to say "ooooold cheese." Burt had jet black hair.
I would be doing my work, or acting like it and with great regularity the smell of bacon would begin to creep up from behind me. First just a hint, then slowly it would grow stronger and stronger. Soon I would feel a presence lurking around the back of my neck. I knew it was Burt so I would begin to lean forward to avoid him. The further I leaned the more he strained to reach me. I could hear his grunts as his stomach pressed against the edge of his desk. I would lean away as far as I could without tipping over. When there was no where else to run, it would happen. Burt would begin to eat my hair. Not really biting or gnawing it. He would just sort of delicately wrap his lips around it and flick at the ends with his bacon ridden tongue.
There were times when I was able to set aside my disgust just to see how long he would savor it. Burt would savor it for as long as I would allow him. Needless to say I could only put up with it for a short period of time and I would wiggle my head or throw an elbow to get him to stop. He would stop but soon start again. Finally I would raise my hand to alert the teacher. Without saying anything to the teach, she would address Burt and yell "BURT STOP EATING HIS HAIR!" All the kids would giggle, except for me and Burt. It got to the point where I couldn't stand it any longer and I asked the teacher to move me away from Burt. She moved me three isles over to a seat in front of Leslie Sappenfield. This wasn't a big help for me because Leslie was a scab snatcher. I had to keep my elbows tucked tight sitting in front of Leslie or he would snatch my scabs off and save them. He claimed he had a scab collection worth lots of money and was going to sell it one day and move to China. Why China? I don't know. Maybe there's a lot of scabby people there?
After spending some time away from Burt, one day our class was lined up to go to the lunch room. The teacher would allow us to use the bathroom as we waited for our time to enter. On this day I casually walked into a stall and there stood Burt. He quickly slammed the stall door shut and locked it. I'll have to admit I was a little scared because I didn't hold the trump card anymore since I had been moved away from him. Burt reached into his pocket. I was expecting him to pull out a knife or some implement of destruction, designed for mutilating grade school kids. He handed me a dollar. "What's this for?" I asked. In a low and cowardly voice Burt replied "I want to rub my hair against your hair and I'll pay you a dollar to let me do it." Hell I'm no fool, what's a little hairsex between two old friends. Being locked in a stall with Burt was much better than being locked in one with Leslie the scab snatcher Sappenfield. AND it payed good.
User Reviews
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-10-13 11:11:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yuck
Submitted by simplemindedhafwit (user info) at 2008-10-10 17:08:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-10-10 16:34:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha, at first I read nieve to be "nice", fool that I am. But it's "naive", for the record.
Anyway, I've been informed of what a glory hole is now, so there.
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Well glory me! I'm not sure if I should trust you in regard to proper spelling. (simp looking up "nieve") Well my dear you are right. Just one question if you don't mind? Who did you ask about the glory hole question?
sage- MOM what's a glory hole?
Mom- excuse me dear?
sage- I said what's a glory hole?
Mom- well if you must know it's where brave soldiers are buried.
sage- Well then why does weather want to put his cock in my glory hole?
Mom- Who's weather?
sage- Oh just I guy I met on the internet.
Mom- THTA'S IT NO MORE INTERNET FOR YOU!
sage- But Mom why does he want to put his cock in a place where brave soldiers are buried?
Mom- I don't know honey maybe he's in the navy or something? NoW turn the computer off and come to supper.
sage- Oh aaallriiight.
Mom (speaking under her breath) hmmm weather huh.
Mom- On second thought keep the computer on that page and come to supper. You will have to eat alone tonight. Your Dad's working late and I've got some computer work to do.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-10-10 16:34:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by simplemindedhafwit (user info) at 2008-10-10 16:21:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-10-10 16:19:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:39:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What is a glory hole?
==================
Ummm
haahahahahahahahahahahahaahahaha
Sorry.
........................................
nieve women. can't talk to em can't talk to em. But they are good for a snicker now and then.
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Haha, at first I read nieve to be "nice", fool that I am. But it's "naive", for the record.
Anyway, I've been informed of what a glory hole is now, so there.
Submitted by simplemindedhafwit (user info) at 2008-10-10 16:23:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-10-10 16:12:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Again, if you can't do witticisms on an adult level what's the worth is "getting to know each other."
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"ON AN ADULT LEVEL" even funnier!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by simplemindedhafwit (user info) at 2008-10-10 16:21:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-10-10 16:19:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:39:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What is a glory hole?
==================
Ummm
haahahahahahahahahahahahaahahaha
Sorry.
........................................
nieve women. can't talk to em can't talk to em. But they are good for a snicker now and then.
Submitted by simplemindedhafwit (user info) at 2008-10-10 16:19:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I'm gonna like this site. It feels just like home sweet home. (Post picture of The Bates Motel Here)
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-10-10 16:19:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:39:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What is a glory hole?
==================
Ummm
haahahahahahahahahahahahaahahaha
Sorry.
Submitted by simplemindedhafwit (user info) at 2008-10-10 16:17:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As the guy at the Kwiki Mart says "hava guud day."
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-10-10 16:12:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Again, if you can't do witticisms on an adult level what's the worth is "getting to know each other."
That wasn't a question, which therefore doesn't merit a response and while you'll leave one anyway rest assured that I am not going to answer.
FOR REALZIES THIS TIME, hedgecock.
Submitted by simplemindedhafwit (user info) at 2008-10-10 16:07:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Geez some people. just as we were really getting to know each other he runs home to cry on his his boyfriends shoulder. Rude, rude rude rude!
Submitted by simplemindedhafwit (user info) at 2008-10-10 16:05:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well? you havnt answered me yet you little prick plunge. Whats it gonna be in regard to your shiny ass, a fuck or a spankin?
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-10-10 16:03:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You are increasingly more boring now then when I started not to mention you are bantering like a pre-teen.
GOODBYE!
And, I'm gonna make it rain of you, motherfucker.
Submitted by simplemindedhafwit (user info) at 2008-10-10 16:01:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So you do actually have a brain in there? huh I'da never thunk it
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:58:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Weather/Whether are two different things.
Submitted by simplemindedhafwit (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:53:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:46:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sage, I'll have one order of it.
Simple, shut the fuck up, taffy hole. You're lucky we're choosing your post to pointlessly banter on you fucking zero
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I don't know weather I should spank your little shiny ass or weather I should fuck it weather? which would you prefer? And don't say both because I don't have much time.
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:46:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sage, I'll have one order of it.
Simple, shut the fuck up, taffy hole. You're lucky we're choosing your post to pointlessly banter on you fucking zero.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:44:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, I suppose you're right about the commas after all.
I guess I just equate commas to a pause in a sentence and in that case, your suggestion doesn't roll off the tongue as well.
RE: Cock siphoning...what of it?
Submitted by simplemindedhafwit (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:41:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:30:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh, I suck at insulting back and so I have to resort to stealing fun words.
I give up. You win.
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Childern don't make me seperate you.................. WITH A FUCKIN MEAT CLEVER!
If you're going to steal words ATLEAST steal words that mean something more than possessing a canyon cunt or a being a hog hump'n hillbilly. Steal something that can actually be used somewhere other than this site. Something like "difficate" now that's a useful (made up be me) word. "difficate" - to make difficult. or "skreeder" - someone who skreeds (look it up) Now go play nice and when you return I'll have a new lesson for you. Go on now.
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:40:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, I just finished up and I quite enjoyed playing with stucker yesterday so bring it bitch. Watching you get your diaper in a wad was funny. It's almost like holding a magnifying glass over an ant hill.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:39:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What is a glory hole?
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:39:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Anyway, I've been quite busy calling meteorology today and must get back to it. A lot of people are depending on me to get the weekend forecast correct.
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:38:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
weather reporting douchebag is fine...so it should read as:
... smelly, fucking, weather reporting douchebag, homo.
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Stucker, I'll get my room as fast as you and middleeasternchick and dreamstomper1 share one. No glory holes, faggot!
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:33:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
But I can't let my grammatical genius come into question, now can I?
So, to be gramatically correct, GC if you will...let me proffer this:
Dumbass, smelly, fucking weather reporting douchebag homo, below.
See? It's still fine. You are a smelly, fucking weather reporting douchebag homo. Why do more commas NEED to be in there?
If it was smelly, fucking, weather reporting, douchebag, homo, that would be overkill.
PS: ;;;;;;;;;;;
Submitted by stucker (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:33:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You two need to get a fucking room.
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:31:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Anyway, about cock siphoning...
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:30:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh, I suck at insulting back and so I have to resort to stealing fun words.
I give up. You win.
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:28:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, then quit eating Jeanneee.
OH SNAP! BURN!
ZING!
omgwtfbbqsauceroflmao
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:27:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DON'T FEED THE TROLLS
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Back to stealing words, again, eh? And that one was one that I actually created. When separating descriptives you should do so with punctuation, rod swallower.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:23:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I dont miss them at all, actually, dick siphon.
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:23:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You missed some commas, cock silo.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:21:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuc...shit.
Um, stupid, no...that's stupid.
Dumbass, smelly fucking weather reporting douchebag homo, below.
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:19:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Word stealing, dick cushion, below.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:18:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckquilt, below.
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:15:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Waste of tits, below.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:14:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was an amusing post. I wrinkled my nose in disgust on multiple occasions.
Way to be gay and hairsex your weirdo frenemy.
In any event, your posts typically amuse me, simplemindedhafwit. And, you're a fellow southerner (although being from DC my "south-ness" oftentimes comes into question).
Points, y'all!
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-10-10 15:03:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Maybe it's just me but I found this to be "meh."
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-10-10 14:37:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DON'T DO IT.
OK DO IT
Submitted by simplemindedhafwit (user info) at 2008-10-10 14:34:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-10-10 14:29:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You WHORE!
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hey! who you been talkin to? I must know!
Submitted by simplemindedhafwit (user info) at 2008-10-10 14:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-10-10 14:19:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Only if you feel it necessary. Otherwise, I'll take your word for it. After all, doesn't every internet dude have at least a 10-incher?
I've lived in/around ATL my entire life and it's getting a little old. I almost had a stroke trying to get on 400 this morning. I need a helicopter.
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U phunnie! "Take my word for it." 10 inchr pfft! (rolls eyes) I'm going to post something tonight that will reveal more than I really want revealed on this hellish site. BUT what the heck, eh? simp just became canadian
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-10-10 14:29:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You WHORE!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-10-10 14:19:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Only if you feel it necessary. Otherwise, I'll take your word for it. After all, doesn't every internet dude have at least a 10-incher?
I've lived in/around ATL my entire life and it's getting a little old. I almost had a stroke trying to get on 400 this morning. I need a helicopter.
Submitted by simplemindedhafwit (user info) at 2008-10-10 14:12:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-10-10 13:14:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ummm.... yuck.
Did you grow up in Cobb County by any chance? See, I'm very nosy, especially when I encounter someone who's from where I'm from.
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Why heavens no! We didn't have Cobb County money. We were south siders. Which is one of the reasons I consider myself half black. The other is the fact I have a 12 inch cock that's wider than your wrist. Want me to prove it?
Submitted by simplemindedhafwit (user info) at 2008-10-10 13:42:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-10-10 13:39:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i hear dueling banjos in the background
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Ah! it seems as if my plan is working puuuuuurfectly!
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-10-10 13:39:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i hear dueling banjos in the background
Submitted by simplemindedhafwit (user info) at 2008-10-10 13:20:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-10-10 12:58:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I remember sticking my finger inside my cute little neighbor "Julie" on the bus - in the back seat, of course - in third grade.
And fourth grade.
PS. And fifth thru eigth grade.
---------------------------------------------
Shlongy in DR. J. Blastscows office
DOCTOR- Okay now relax and just go with that. Maybe we can shed some light on the real problem at hand? Are you comfortable? Would you like a cool drink of water before we begin?
SHLONGY- No I'm good. A little nervous but okay I guess.
DOCTOR- Now tell Dr. Julie how you really feel about what you just said.
SHLONGY- Your name is Julie? Julie Blastscows? J u l i e B l a s t s c o w s?
DOCTOR- That's right Mr Shlongy, go on.
SHLONGY- Well I guess I feel ...... guilty?.... yea yea guilty that's it
DOCTOR- Are you sure that's how you REALLY feel?
SHLONGY- Yes Doctor. Is that the right answer?
DOCTOR- There are no right or wrong answers here.
SHLONGY- Is our time up? My oh my how time flys when we're haveng fuun huh Dokctu r Blaaast s cowws?
DOCTOR- Roll over Mr. Shlongy, it's your turn. You are the reason I had a sex change and I'm about to fuck you sensless you piece of finger sticking pig shit.
SHLONGY- Doc! Doc! whats with the handcuffs and the bandanna. I didn't come her for th at mmmm mmm mmmf mmmn uuuuuh mmmm mmmmnnnmmm aaa aaaahhh ooooh ohhh yes yes yes YES! GO DOC GO DOC! HARDER HARDER! THATS IT YES!YES! OH DEAR GOD YES!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-10-10 13:14:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ummm.... yuck.
Did you grow up in Cobb County by any chance? See, I'm very nosy, especially when I encounter someone who's from where I'm from.
Submitted by simplemindedhafwit (user info) at 2008-10-10 13:01:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-10-10 12:50:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and I used to be a phlebotomist who would have to stab children on a regular basis!
and I used to be a phlebotomist who would have to stab children on a regular basis!
and I used to be a phlebotomist who would have to stab children on a regular basis!
and I used to be a phlebotomist who would have to stab children on a regular basis!
and I used to be a phlebotomist who would have to stab children on a regular basis!
and I used to be a phlebotomist who would have to stab children on a regular basis!
and I used to be a phlebotomist who would have to stab children on a regular basis!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Would someone hand me a tissue, sock, dirty shirt or something.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-10-10 12:58:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I remember sticking my finger inside my cute little neighbor "Julie" on the bus - in the back seat, of course - in third grade.
And fourth grade.
PS. And fifth thru eigth grade.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-10-10 12:50:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-10-10 12:50:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brings back memories. In 3rd grade, I was the target of the abnormally large class bully named Kenneth. I guess his father never told him not to hit girls, especially when they were much more little. Kenneth was a pussy and only picked on small kids.
One day at recess, Kenneth wanted the ball I was bouncing. I wouldn't give it to him so he punched me in the nose and made it bleed like a stuck pig.
Something in me snapped and I resolved to get my revenge and not be picked on by Kenneth anymore. Kenneth was punished by the teacher. He wasn't allowed to go to recess for two weeks and had to write an apology letter.
But that wasn't good enough for me. Now, back in those days, the cafeteria still had metal flatware. One day after lunch, I snuck a fork out of the cafeteria and took it back to class.
Kenneth, being the little shit head abortion that he was, still tried to pick on me. I put my really neat pencil with the character eraser on the edge of my desk and waited. Sure enough, Kenneth tried to take it.
I stabbed him in the hand with my fork.
I've never seen a child scream like that. To this day I haven't and I used to be a phlebotomist who would have to stab children on a regular basis!
Submitted by simplemindedhafwit (user info) at 2008-10-10 12:39:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-10-10 12:33:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
um... .wow? and haha.
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aw heck n shux...... you don't really mean it?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-10-10 12:33:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
um... .wow? and haha.