Hallucinations of a Sprained Ankle in America: The True Story (271 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1.88 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Kirillovian_Shit_Stain (View user info) at 2008-10-24 15:20:35 EDT
Like an old person, I was going down the stairs, and BOOM. Sprained the old ankle. Well, oh well. There was a really loud noise that sounded like the moon crashing into the earth, shattering all existence. My dad came in, wearing his silly Yankee's baseball cap, and said "What's the matter, son?!"
I yelled "I hurt my fucking ankel."
"Gee, that's too bad. Well, lets go watch seven or eight baseball games! You'll have to stay here until you finish that pack of wacky cigarettes."
Haha. And then my crazy mom came to the door. "Hi mom!"
"Hi Steve! I got that pack of baseball cards you ordered last week! Sorry about your ankel :(. I hope you get better soon. I know how much you love playing hockey!"
"Thanks mom. Too bad I can't even work at my favorite pizza parlor :(. I hope the customers don't starve to death with out me."
"Well, I got to go. It's bingo night at the church and I rigged the machine!"
"Good bye mom!" And then I limped back to the couch, and Crazy Caps was batting. He hit 5 grand slams in one game and they still lost. Well, the next day I finally finished me wacky cigarettes so I went home and fell into a deep vodka bottle to celebrate. My silly cat even wanted some vodka, and I gave in. Who can resist those furry yellow eyes? Haha.
So I fell into bed that night drunk as a whale, and my bed collapsed from under me, and my alarm clock was savataged by a warrior from the Balkans. He said to me, while I slept "I took a dump in your toilet."
I had terrible dreams that night. Some evil guy whom gravity relentlessly attacks closed all the candy shops in town. And I saw him driving away, jaw breakers flying out of the cab of his rusty pickup truck. Haha. What a silly dream.
Anyway, I got up the next day at 5pm. I forget what else I did that day, but the next day was the day before the first day of school. At school, I told my Soviet Russian teacher about my spring break, and she slapped me in the face and gave me an F for the quarter.
"I said", but it's only the first day of the quarter! I was all ready to buckle down, hit the books, come out with all guns blazing and kick a shit load of fucking ass. You can't fail me.
"She looked me in the eye, and said", you stupid Americans all suck at learning my language. I'm going back to Russia to bring back the reign of the Communists.
So after that I went home and ate ten Chipotle burritos. Haha. I threw up, but lucky for me I was looking out the window at the time and all the vomit landed on some retarded homeless guy. He looked up at me and asked for change and I told him to get lost or I'd call the police. He mumbled something and trudged off in the direction of the Liquor store, leaving a trail of my own barf behind him like a slug.
I laughed silently to myself as I made my way back to the couch for my 6th burrito and 7th pack of cigarettes for the day. I watched MSNBC until it was time for Statistics. And after Statistics, I ate more burritos, smoked more cigarettes, and watched more MSNBC.
There was a silly commercial for pickup trucks on the TV so I decided to buy one the next day. When I bought the truck, I had become a very fat person, and gravity was relentlessly pulling me to the core of the earth. I got really pissed off, and started raiding candy stores. I used my loans from school to buy them all out, steal the candy, and stash it all in my new pickup truck. I drove away from town for the rest of the week, throwing baseball size jawbreakers at the weeping children. When I was done driving, I went home. Since I was done driving I decided to push the truck off a cliff for the insurance money and take a bus home.
When I got home I went to sleep, but then this guy from the Balkans, I think he said he was from Sarajevo or something, confronted me. He held in his hand a wire cutter, and my alarm clock.
"I said," What the fuck are you doing.
"And he said," I need your alarm clock technology to destroy my enemies back at home. I forget what country it is, but they don't think Yugoslavia should be an independant nation, so I'm going to use this alarm clock wire technology to assasinate their Dictator/Monarch/Primier/President.
Haha. It's like, this wacky war is the embodiment of the clash between stone age stuff and modern ones too. At least that's what I told the talking raccoon, whom I did not recognize because he wore a mask, but I am inclined to believe he was rocky raccoon, the one in that shitty Beatles song. The raccoon looked at me with grief stricken eyes and crawled off into the city, presumably to maul a hobo. Keep up the good work, rocky, but don't buy into that Mormon religion shit.
User Reviews
Submitted by KirillovianShitStain (user info) at 2008-10-25 02:53:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's more than that, monkey. You need to SEE.
Submitted by SatansPetMonkey (user info) at 2008-10-24 17:44:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
don't realise? like you turning into the 'candy store robber'? jackass, -2DIE
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-10-24 17:07:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Your face gets stepped on a lot doesn't it.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-10-24 16:46:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I bet there aren't.
Submitted by KirillovianShitStain (user info) at 2008-10-24 16:45:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There are things happening in this story that you people are failing to realize.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-10-24 16:30:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You get kicked a lot, don't you?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-10-24 16:17:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You skip English a lot so you can go to the parking lot and get high, don't you?
Submitted by weather (user info) at 2008-10-24 16:12:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I absolutely hate it when I hurt my ankel.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-10-24 16:06:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You get your shit packed a lot, don't you.*
*not a question
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-10-24 15:50:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You get bitch-slapped alot don't you?
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-10-24 15:46:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You get hit allot don't you?
Submitted by KirillovianShitStain (user info) at 2008-10-24 15:41:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
nope
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2008-10-24 15:40:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You just seem the type... that would get punched a lot.
I was right, wasn't I?
Submitted by KirillovianShitStain (user info) at 2008-10-24 15:32:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why would you ask that?
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2008-10-24 15:24:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You get punched a lot, don't you?