Girl, You’ll Be A Woman Soon (1606 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.78 on 45 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve St. SuckAss (View user info) at 2008-10-28 00:01:49 EDT
For about the past two months, I've been on a non-stop asshole express train to Fucktard town. I'm in constant need of ego stroking and some one to feel sorry for me. I HATE people like that. That's the type of person I will tolerate for all of two minutes (plus or minus two minutes) before I start quoting ABBA lyrics or walking away inexplicitly, in mid-conversation, making quaking noises all the while.
I've had it up to HERE with my bullshit. HERE being about an inch above 'here' which is already six inches above my head seeing as I'm about as tall as Vladimir Putin. But I also wrestle bears, shoot tigers and fish shirtless. Thus, I am Vladimir Putin and so I'm, in turn, banging and Uzbek gymnast. Fuck it's GREAT to be Vladimir Putin. I will eye-fuck the shit out of you, Georgia. And just to make sure you get the message, I'll send in my restless, drunken, troops to rearrange the crates of duck eggs and sausages in your markets! And then I'll take a vacation to the Siberia and get hammered and bulldoze the spot where the Romanovs were shot AGAIN. Then I'll salt the earth so nothing grows again. Especially zombie tsars. Ivan the Terrible is still locked in the basement of the Kremlin and won't stop his crying even after I shoved blueberry pancakes under the door. He's hungry, he says. Well, you know what I'm hungry for? Some shut-the-fuck-up-a lot-more-Ivan-the-Terrible-or-should-I-say-Ivan-the-won't-shut-the-fuck-up-when-he-shouldable pop tarts. I love pop tarts like I love the supple breasts of Uzbek gymnasts.
This is seriously it. This is the Declaration of Steve. Chicks are fucked. I'm fucked. We're all fucked in the long run so why should I be whining about it all the time?
Steve had to spend Canadian Thanksgiving alone. Canadian Thanksgiving is like American Thanksgiving only it's earlier (October - WTF?), they show Canadian football (Football - Lite), and we eat roasted moose rather than turkey because turkey is the national bird of Canada. You'd think it would be the Canadian Goose but we swapped that with Turkey for turkey when the loonie (the currency not the bird) dropped below acceptable standing in the bird kingdom (the bird not the currency) and against the pound (which may or may not be a bird. Did you know there's a Chicken, Alaska and I got laid there?). I don't exactly know what that means, but I do know that moose is hard to carve so my dad just gives up halfway through and I end up eating nothing but pickles all night. Pickles are fucking delicious. And my moose skin coats itch like fuck because we never bother to pick the lice out. Gross!
Steve, you spent Canadian Thanksgiving alone. Shut the fuck up and skate it off. When your parents die you'll spend every holiday alone and drunk. Those holidays will be more enjoyable anyways.
Steve has to see a therapist. Steve, we all have problems. Save your shit for that moron who sits across you in that creepy office. Why does he have a rainbow yoga mat in his office and an LGBTQ sticker on his door? Why does he want to cuddle after therapy sessions? Is it therapy or ther-rape-me? Why do I want to take off all my clothes and run naked through my office? I wonder if Vladimir Putin has to deal with this shit...
Steve can't stop whining about his ex-girlfriend. She's gone, man. Let it go. Let it the fuck go. Stop crying to Alan Jackson songs and being paralyzed with erection when you remember that time you went skinny-dipping in that fat Asian girls pool and that gay guy tried to grab your ass. Why are getting so turned on by that anyways? Why don't you go cry to your gay therapist you big homo-hurt bag? Christ on a bicycle Steve, what the fuck happened to you?
Women. That's what happened to Steve.
Steve has become infected by women and their sweet, sweet, sinfulness.
I am disturbed to the core. And my core is made out of rotten apples and it's pretty hard to disturb rotten apples but some how women know how to do that shit. And they also know how to get bloodstains out of various items of clothing, including earmuffs. My ears bleed when I think too hard. It happens rarely but when it does it's usually about the Russian-American Fur Trade industry in the 18th and 19th centuries or how raccoons haven't been allowed the right to vote. They have hands. Why shouldn't they be allowed to vote? I'm taking an American history class next term and I'm going to write a paper and only use references from the National Treasure movies. I'm expecting straight-As because movies don't lie, Nicolas Cage has won the Noble Prize in economics and Jon Voight's lips cured penguin AIDS. You can't say penguins don't have AIDS because they did and now Jon Voight has cured it.
I am Steve. Steve doesn't need a woman to make him happy. He just needs a woman to make him a sandwich and clean the kitchen when she's told. And even that won't make Steve happy. Steve's not happy until his intellect has been challenged, his demeanor has been insulted and he's generally engaged emotionally, physically and mentally by a gorgeous female who knows herself, what she wants and where she's going in life. Because I sure as hell don't know where I'm going. Except down. Waaaayyy down inside.
Every time I whine from now on, I'm going to punch myself in the head.
Every time I think about my ex-girlfriend from now on, I'm going to count backwards from ten and then punch myself in the eye. Right in the eye. Or run into a wall. Or just not think about her anymore. That's probably a better solution than hurting myself but if I had Ockham's razor right now, I'd probably cut myself with it and stand over the sink crying about it.
This is going to have to work because I'm seriously fucked if it doesn't. Right now I'm dueling Darth Vader over that pit in Empire Strikes Back and he's cut off my fucking hand and I'm screaming "No! No! No! Daddy don't hit me again because the last time my tongue wouldn't stop bleeding! I have no teeth, daddy, stop kicking me in the mouth! Are teeth babies from when the tongue mates with the gums? Ow, ow, ow! Stop it!"
The dark side can't win because I won't fucking let it. The dark side is just a metaphor for sulking in your room because the other kids won't let you play Red Rover. You know what? Fuck Red Rover. I invented Red Rover and you bastards are only playing within the rules you allow yourselves to play in. The true Red Rover is the Red Rover in our souls. Skate it off, Steve. Skate it the fuck off. Stop being such a whiny, self-centered, attention-grabbing, sympathy whore.
You need to go back to kicking ass and taking names as you run away laughing to yourself only to be caught and get your ass kicked in turn. That's just how it rolls. Going crazy isn't cool because then you're just crazy, alone, smelly and picking bottles out of garbage bins. Do you want that, Steve? Fuck no. Say no to hoboism!
It's going to be a long, hard climb up that hill of ice but fuck if you have to skate uphill, imagine what it's going to be like skating down the other side? It's going to be cool as fuck and you'll have calves of steel when you get up there. You either do this or you lay down and die. Don't die, Steve. You're actually kind of cool when you're not being a total douche. So shut the fuck up and skate it off.
Skate it off, Steve.
Skating it off commences NOW.
User Reviews
Submitted by spuj (user info) at 2009-05-13 06:51:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no comment
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2009-05-13 04:15:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2009-01-31 05:38:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well played fag, well played.
Submitted by angrydrunk86 (user info) at 2008-10-30 22:00:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you think life sucks when a girl dumps you wait till your married and she's pregnant then you'll wish she'd just leave but no she wants to yell and make something feel as bad as she does. its just the begining beware the woman! beware!!!!
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2008-10-30 10:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this. it is not plastic.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2008-10-30 10:30:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
buck up pussy!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-10-28 21:47:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We have a skatium here. I'd pay for your skate rental AND buy you a soft pretzel if you'd promise to skate it off. And by skate it off, I mean run naked through my office.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-10-28 20:49:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-10-28 11:38:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I was on the verge of clicking the "back" button three times on the way to the end of this train wreck. But something kept pulling me back. Congratulations.
---
That's a metaphor for my life!
Submitted by metalbeast7 (user info) at 2008-10-28 19:52:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-10-28 18:20:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-10-28 14:41:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2008-10-28 14:28:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I leave for like a year and half and look what happens, Steve becomes cool cause he is no longer Steve, he is Vladimir Putin.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-10-28 13:26:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-10-28 11:38:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I was on the verge of clicking the "back" button three times on the way to the end of this train wreck. But something kept pulling me back. Congratulations.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-10-28 10:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Love the song (Urge Overkill version, of course)...The post? Not so much.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-10-28 09:40:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-10-28 08:17:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2008-10-28 08:16:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
youre still crying, and i still lost interest towards the end, but its getting better.
no, im not youre ex-girlfriend.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-10-28 07:50:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dutch House'd, hahaha
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-10-28 07:46:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-10-28 01:31:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what? I want a girl who doesn't tell me I am repulsive when I pull her into the Dutch Oven.
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I once consumed three large bottles of someone's homebrewed beer. It contained flora not previously inhabiting my GI tract, and so there was a substantial reaction requiring an extended session in the, erm, facilities, which was at one end of my house. In my hurry, I failed to turn on the exhaust fan. MLW, arriving home about 45 minutes later, entered from the garage at the other end of the house straight into The Evil That Came From My Bowels And Filled The Building. After sputtering and opening windows, she said I'd Dutch House'd her. 14 years later we're still married. True story.
+2 for the post, Vladimir.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-28 07:06:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Put a sock in it Brian - I mean, Steve.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-10-28 07:02:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Canada definately needs to get into the 21st century and start allowing 'coons to vote. Even the Americans let coons vote, and I hear they now even let them run for president.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2008-10-28 06:51:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-28 06:38:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everybody's life is awful. As I grow older, I grow more and more convinced that the answer lies in oral sex. Then again I think the only way to do that in todays possesive society would involve genetically engineering monkeys.
When I think about that kind of world though, generally I start thinking it is an awful idea.
Maybe we should drastically re-examine our approach to work experience for young people? If we all worked in the sex industry and took loads of drugs, would any of us be bothered about icky public transport?
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-10-28 05:17:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The act of voting would interfere with their busy schedule of bitching about the system and not reporting to work.
Submitted by kgbpasha (user info) at 2008-10-28 04:41:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, you're saying coons don't vote?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-10-28 04:25:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-10-28 00:33:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My name is Steven and I'm a Polkaholik.
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You too!?!
Submitted by wawawookie (user info) at 2008-10-28 02:50:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wanna get in on this "letting coons vote" business.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-10-28 02:23:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-10-28 02:23:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-10-28 01:43:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I agree with that. That's a foundation of trust that only serves to strengthen a bond.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-10-28 01:31:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what? I want a girl who doesn't tell me I am repulsive when I pull her into the Dutch Oven.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2008-10-28 01:11:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-10-28 00:44:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The creepy janitor lady told me she had 75 kids. I don't think her hair has ever been washed. She keeps hitting on me and smells like dead puppies.
More on these developments as they....develop.
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-10-28 00:43:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.detrimentalinformation.com/2007/01/poem_about_drinking.html
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-10-28 00:38:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OR ILL USE MY SUPER AWESOMETASTICAL RATING MACHINE ON YOU
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-10-28 00:38:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
YOU BETTER WATCH YOUR BACK
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-10-28 00:33:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My name is Steven and I'm a Polkaholik.
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-10-28 00:32:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GGgggGggGgg
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-10-28 00:32:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BUHHHH
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-10-28 00:29:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<3
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-10-28 00:28:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're the only one around.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2008-10-28 00:21:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-10-28 00:20:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-10-28 00:14:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
also available in lavendar. Good luck