Headaches and Hard-ons (NSFWish) (1056 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialLabels: smut
Rating: 1.4 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Flash Harry (View user info) at 2008-10-28 10:30:33 EDT
In a dim and smelly box-room strewn with cigarette butts and half-eaten sandwiches, a man in torn pyjamas sits at an uneven desk, trying to find room for his elbows among the unruly piles of books, envelopes and dusty paperwork. He cannot throw the useless paperwork away because the wastepaper bin is already overflowing, just as the bulging shelves stop him from finding somewhere else to keep his books. For a moment he considers opening some of the unanswered mail that spills from the desk onto his lap, but he has lost his spectacles and the thought of looking for them, or indeed anything else, causes him to suffer acute suicidal impulses. A nervous inability prevents him from opening the heavy curtains; he can hear the rain outside, and the very thought of rainfall leaves him giddy with despair.
He momentarily resolves to leave his work for an hour so that he might visit the barbers, buy some coffee and perhaps a newspaper, but even before the idea has fully formed he dismisses it as unfeasible fantasy. Running his fingers through the greasy, bedraggled mop of hair on his head he groans aloud and reaches out to turn on the monitor. Beams of harsh light burst out from it, casting a blue glow across his pale stomach and grubby face. He resolves to fetch a glass of water and some paracetamol with which to combat his migraine, but the prospect of a running tap fills him with dread. It is half-past eleven in the morning, and according to his schedule he should have started work two hours ago; but even if he made any serious effort to start he would have been frustrated by the almost audible pounding of his headache, the howling wind rattling the windows, and the throbbing erection that ached beneath his pyjamas.
This person, needless to say, is a writer. He is not a poet, nor a philosopher. He shirks large projects like film scripts and novels, and distrusts himself to produce factual documentaries or biographies. A curious anomaly has grown within him, with gradual vigour, over the years since he first filled blank space with words: this is a writer who harbours a chronic terror of being reviewed. In the past he tried to struggle manfully through this affliction, but at the crucial moment for any project, the deadline, he found himself paralysed by bouts of nausea, breathless panic attacks and a crippling loss of bladder control. And so, in love with the craft writing but terrified of reviews and opinions, he stumbled across the one genre that would suit his needs: erotica.
Nobody reviews erotica, partly because to render an opinion would be an admission of guilt. Erotica, both the reading and the writing of, is a secret vice, hidden behind locked bathroom doors and drawn-over curtains. The man at the desk didn't know personally of anybody that had ever read his erotica, but the cheques that fell through the door every other month reassured him that some (a few) people actually had. The royalties from those previous tales has not lasted long, however, and now he stares at the blank screen, his fingers poised with impotent intent, desperate to conjure up something to meet his deadline with.
With a sigh, he relaxes his guard and drops his fingers nimbly through a tear in his pyjamas, prodding and squeezing at his furious erection absent-mindedly. The prospect of having to write, even the tapping of the keyboard, affects him like the prospect of eating a rotten banana. And yet, in a curiously complacent way, he knows that the copy will find its way to the office on time. Somehow it always does get there on time. As the submission deadline looms, his mind will grow more and more receptive, the room will grow colder and colder, cigarette smoke will billow around his head and his fingers will rummage menacingly across the keyboard. All the stale old phrases will leap to the fore of his mind, snapping into place like a magnet.
In the meanwhile, before this inexplicable rush of creativity - self-preservation? - there is little to do, other than find something to eat and perhaps decide on his characters' names. He always struggles with names. He has an intrinsic loathing of the bland, meaningless name and may spend hours at a time in a statuesque trance mulling over anagrams and allusions. He reaches for one of his reference books, full of Shakespearean heroines, mythical Greco-Roman queens, and biblical tarts - for the woman, the girl, the receptacle, is all-important in erotica. Nevertheless, he casts the book aside before he has even flicked through it, with a curse that he has used them all before. Even worse, a delicate anxiety begins to build within his gut, caused by the knowledge that he has already re-hashed all the love stories he has ever read. He has parodied Anthony and Cleopatra, rendered Romeo and Juliet into pastiche, and vandalised Samson and Delilah with clumsy satire. A sudden pinprick of thought pierces through his numb stupor, and he slowly types out four words with one finger: Leda and the Swan?
With one hand he lazily peels some questionable cheese away from some stale bread that decorates the desk, and with the other he once again grabs at his rigid erection. One of the worst things about writing erotica is the erections. The constant, blinding ache that throbs beneath his pyjamas. He doesn't want to masturbate, and rarely experiences mental arousal any more - all those hours of crafting smut has blown the perversity from his mind. Sadly, his body fails to recognise this, and curses him with these unwanted rushes of blood that can only be sated through old-fashioned, self-loathing, spirit-sapping interference...
User Reviews
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-10-29 04:25:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-10-28 15:57:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haven't the vision to read this at the mo, it all a little blurry.
+2 on trust.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2008-10-28 15:16:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nicely done.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-10-28 13:58:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NO SAUCE FOR ME BUT I LOVE HOW YOU CALL ME...
"THE DIRECTOR."
IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A REAL MAN!
I DON'T OWN A CAR ANYMORE SO ALL YOUR SNOTTERS AND SHITTERS AND FUTURE CHILD MOLESTERS AND POLITICIANS ARE SAFE FROM ME!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-10-28 13:39:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The Director is into the sauce earlier than usual this morning...
TRY NOT TO RUN OVER ANY CHILDREN IN YOUR CAR TODAY...if you still own a car.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2008-10-28 13:37:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-10-28 13:18:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT!!!!!
OMG I JUST WROTE A CLASSIC!
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-10-28 13:13:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that's the only way i've ever written anything...spur of the moment
in the past I used to write on this site and now...the mood never strikes me
perhaps someday
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-28 13:09:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
To be honest I don't often have an intention before I write anything. It's usually a largely spontaneous way of killing some time. Sometimes it turns into a proper story with a beginning, middle and end but other times it's just a weird kind of snapshot of nothing, really.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-10-28 13:03:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've turned a new leaf in my uber life and I'm going to be nicer from now on.
i got that your intention was for there to be no real substance to this but what I found, as I do with most of your stuff, is that i feel nothing for it.
sometimes i read stuff that is barely longer than this review and it smacks with emotion but your stuff tends not to arouse me in any way.
I'll keep reading, as I try to be fair.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-10-28 13:00:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
LOL I EAT HOMOS LIKE YOU FOR BREAKFAST LOL!!!
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-10-28 12:59:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
RETAL -2 LOLROFLCOPTRZ!!!!
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-10-28 12:47:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice pair of plots.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-10-28 12:40:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-10-28 12:35:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2008-10-28 16:28:36 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
This would have been better with more story and less adjectives getting in the way of a plot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
But there is no story, no plot. Nothing happens. That's kinda the point.
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2008-10-28 12:28:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This would have been better with more story and less adjectives getting in the way of a plot. As it stands, it ended abruptly and never really gave the reader a feel for the character because everything else was over-described to the point of blah blah blah.
It was written fairly well otherwise.
An honest "Worth reading (+0)." And yes, +0?
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-10-28 12:10:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gave up halfway through.
Bored me.
Again.
Little homo.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-10-28 11:53:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My wife, an avid librophile, actually uses erotica books to get in the mood sometimes. I'm conflicted on this, because while I want her to be in the mood, I don't like waiting the 15 minutes before coming into the room so that she can read her favorite chapter.
Works almost as good as a vibe though.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-10-28 11:34:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I can't read your posts- they drone on and on - but this was a good title.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-10-28 11:12:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Meh - did make me giggle inside thinking about Kaos king all the way through that.
You know this is how he lives!!!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-10-28 10:59:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i don't think one can have a 'furious' erection and play with it absently.
the furious implies an all consuming need.
still, i think this is the first thing of yours i've read without giving up halfway through. i don't bother to rate you as a rule because I can't think of anything nice to say so you get a brit pass.
but as I read this, i thought I should rate.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-10-28 10:43:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We can all dream, eh?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-10-28 10:40:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Trying a bit too hard - but ok.