It's a Miracle I Ever Got Laid (1123 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.22 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Geddy Lee (View user info) at 2008-11-05 19:28:32 EST
Since I'm sick and tired of reading abut stupid politics about the stupid election and how stupid Obama had sex with stupid McCain's stupid grand daughter and other stupid crap, I'm changing it up and ranting about how I suck in bed.
I don't know how I ever got laid for the first time. I don't remember it too well. Actually, I remember it perfectly and I just lied through my teeth. I've tried to forget it, but unfortunately it's permanently branded into the backs of my retinas and I can think back to that fateful day, littered with anatomical discoveries and erection mishaps, and watch the entire video in vivid color and in Dolby 3D Digital Cinematic Surround Sound.
My problem when I'm boning (besides the premature ejaculating) is that I feel like I look like an idiot. Try doing anything correctly when you feel uncomfortable. If the greatest chef in the world had to cook while simultaneously guiding his cock into a vagina, his cooking quality would suffer. I'm so angry about my lackluster sexual performance, I don't even care if that analogy was terrible.
I've pretty much nailed the awkward peak to be somewhere between the foreplay and the actual penetration. I do everything fast. I'm from North Jersey. I walk fast, I talk faster, and I bone with twice the speed and ferocity of walking and talking put together. With me, there's no transition. I approach sex in the same way I approach making business calls.
"Good afternoon, this is Geddy, are we still on for the meeting tomorrow at 3:00PM?"
"Yes."
::click::
"I'm Geddy. Let's bone."
"OK."
::boning::
Another thing I suck at is putting on condoms. I lost my tender innocence at the ripe age of 17. I had a girlfriend at that point, and several more girlfriends leading up to the present time. I figure that for the past 4 years, I've gotten laid at least twice a week, taking into consideration living at school during the week and everything else. This means (assuming no girl I was with ever used birth control), that I've strapped on roughly 416 stupid condoms. Even with that resume, I still can't manage to roll the fucking thing on to my boner without first putting it on backwards, at which point I have to flip it around and hope it's not too mangled at that point.
There exists a wrinkle in the time continuum that represents me putting on a condom. This means that when I go to put on a condom, the rest of time as we know is ceases to operate until the condom is on. And to make it worse, I'm one of those dudes who can't really get a rock-solid boner unless I start having sex without the condom on.
So imagine you're a girl. You're having sex with me. All of a sudden, I pull out without warning, while you were having a pretty good time (at least in my own mind), and go into a frenzy trying to find a condom, rip it open and slip it on before my cock goes down. Not only that, but imagine me getting really frustrated when I inevitably put it on backwards. If it really put a damper on your sexual drive, imagine you're the idiot trying to figure out how to put the fucking condom on.
The level of discomfort I feel at this time is paralleled only by one of those dreams where you wake up naked, surrounded by the cheerleading squad. It's the equivalent of having your ego choke-slammed off a roof.
Every woman I've boned was a compulsive liar. I know this because they've all told me that I'm amazing in bed.
FIN
User Reviews
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-11-07 16:51:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You've just got to pull out real quick-like.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-11-06 15:58:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was trying to count how many condoms I have put on a man. Dam I never knew they could go on backwards? Really?
Submitted by DoYouBadly (user info) at 2008-11-06 10:06:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You are a loser my friend for reasons I will explain vaguely below!!!
1) You do not need to wear a condom, simply say you did and finish inside. Never call back again.
2) by now you should know how to wear a condom.
3) Who cares if you are good or not. Women just want dick inside of them, so as long as you are in it, you are doing them a huge favor. SO relax and pump away!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-11-06 10:02:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Condoms are shit. I have to get the Extra Safe brand because they are the only ones that don't cut off the blood supply and leave me with a permanent floppy. Fuck that. Spunk on the belly.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-11-06 09:57:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Hmmmm...decided to read.
I liked it. But I would definitely NOT like a dude to take forever putting on a condom. Just hurry the fuck up. Practice when you're going manual, seriously.
Have a point, in any event.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-11-06 09:41:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-11-06 09:40:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Barely got past the stupid.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-06 09:02:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah... I'm lucky that I ever get laid too.
I used to do a 'shadow penis' show before sex. It's where I tell a story using shadows on the wall, just like you'd expect, but I used my penis instead of my hands to tell the story. Surprisingly, this did not have the effect of relaxing the ladies like I thought it would. Chicks are hard to understand. :(
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-11-06 08:38:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
never used a condom, but it sounds like a real drag.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-11-06 08:09:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Been there, but luckily I'm married now and thus have no real need for condoms.
Submitted by therealgeddylee (user info) at 2008-11-06 03:04:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
@Ballare
Oh, the dreaded garbage bag roll. Can't stand those damned things. You take 25 minutes trying to find the crease to tear off the bag, then another 5 minutes just to unravel the stupid and trying to find the gap so you can open it up. Inevitably, you always try the wrong side first. By the time you open the damn bag, your clothes have gone out of style, teenagers across the globe are sporting Mohawks again, and some MIT student proved the Pythagorean theorem to be inaccurate.
My theory is that evolution should take care of this whole thing, and we will eventually have a 6th finger on each hand for the soul purpose of opening garbage bags.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2008-11-06 02:06:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
nice
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-11-06 01:09:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-11-05 23:28:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have the same issue, except it's with garbage bags that come in a roll, you know?
I always pick the end that's the bottom of it to try to pick open. And then I'm like WHY THE FUCK --? and then flip it around and realize the OTHER end of it is the one that opens.
So, I feel you, brother.
Submitted by mockidol (user info) at 2008-11-05 21:00:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I still can't manage to roll the fucking thing on to my boner without first putting it on backwards, at which point I have to flip it around and hope it's not too mangled at that point.
Ohh have I been there...
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-11-05 20:41:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-11-05 20:22:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Condoms: the kindest way you can say "Sorry, but I don't know where you've been."
Submitted by EJ (user info) at 2008-11-05 20:13:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-11-05 20:10:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Don't like the word "boned". In the future, go with "banged".
Also, don't like Rush.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-11-05 19:44:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Honesty.