How to have sex with an ubersite female (1156 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.02 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by OTW (View user info) at 2008-11-16 01:20:47 EST
Put lots of David Boreanaz pictures on your walls
Get a David Boreanaz mask and wear it
Play this in the background
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMB4xtnFlvo
Promise to go down on her ship
Claim to have done something ridiculous, like eating bear meat naked
(Ensuing jokes about how you already have eaten bear meat naked along with some insult about my obvious virginity are already unfunny, as are attempts to wittily circumvent this pitfall by making an ironic joke about this parenthetical comment.)
Tell her she is cute
Tell her you like Coldplay, too.
Make her a collage like the shitty ones people post, only fill it with inside jokes and stuff that shows you REALLY know her. You can even full it with dicks if you think she will laugh at dicks. you can try that on the one who does porn. I forget who she is.
Send her a picture where you aren't flipping off the camera. This will show you are mature. Of course, it wouldn't matter if you gave them a little booze.
Give her a little booze. Just enough so she'll be able to rationalize it later. "Oh, I couldn't help myself. I was inebriated"
Be persistent. Do what a stalker would do, only cut back a little. Here's the equation:
persistence = stalker - creepy.
Uber girls like attention afterall. If a stalker would send pubes in a duffle bag, you would send roses in a box. If a stalker would stand outside in the rain with a knife, you would sit in your shinny mazda holding nailclippers.
Tell her she is the sexiest girl you have ever known.
Know that the best you can probably get is the one and done. don't go in looking for a long term thing. Uber women are empowered.
Know that I used the word PROBABLY up there. Women have low self esteem, all women, not just the uber ones. Sex picks up there self esteem (until they realize afterward that they had sex to make them feel better; then they realize how sad they are and cry into a pillow)
Reply positively or modify the question to make it positive.
"I hate that guy, don't you?"
Yes
"I'm unattractive, aren't I?"
What you should be asking me is if you are the sexiest girl in the world. To that I would say hell yes
Claim that you haven't been sleeping well since you lost your (pet, family member, tickets to a Coldplay concert)
Don't lose games to make her feel better. It shows weakness.
Like, if you're playing Magic with her, show that you you ain't a fucking chump.
I'm bored with this...
User Reviews
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2008-11-17 16:37:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Way to generalize about a forum full of people who have absolutely nothing in common except that they like to hang out here and insult each other.
Submitted by deelo (user info) at 2008-11-17 16:28:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
tl;dr
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-11-17 14:52:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-11-16 01:24:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I for one despise Coldplay.
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I have newfound respect for Ballare.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-11-17 05:06:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-11-16 23:26:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-11-16 15:09:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
who is David Boreanaz?
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-11-16 22:33:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you should have wrote a post on how to have sex with Crystle instead.
i have no idea where to even start!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-16 22:28:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hahaha
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Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-11-16 11:01:55 PST (#)
Ranking: 2
I did everything you suggested and Crystle still hasn't fucked me! Help Dr. Love!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-11-16 20:05:35 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I fart in your face. Twice.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-16 19:21:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I didn't read it, but if sage thinks it is clever, it must be anything but.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-11-16 17:47:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
How very clever of you.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-11-16 15:09:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
who is David Boreanaz?
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-11-16 14:41:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
attention all über ladies! Does anyone here like coldplay?!
Your theory is flawed darling.
Besides all you need to do is some affection gesture towards me and I will beg you to take me to bed, so grateful I will be of your attention! For example: lean over a sweep an eye lash from my cheek. I won't even flinch if you accidentally poke me in the eye whilst doing it.
Small gestures, big result! Sadly no one will get close enough to me in real life as I look and smell like a Devonshire troll. At least the boils are starting to settle down now and hey, no one can give a blowjob like a girl without teeth!
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-11-16 14:01:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I did everything you suggested and Crystle still hasn't fucked me! Help Dr. Love!
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2008-11-16 13:50:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
a flash or 2 of excellence in there.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2008-11-16 13:32:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Tell her you like Coldplay, too.
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Woah woah woah, just hold on there cowboy, thats one step too damn far
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-11-16 09:54:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
So...does this really work or what?
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-11-16 05:08:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Although if Rachel Bilson from the OC was there then I could pretend that I liked them.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-11-16 05:07:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If Pamela Anderson, Cameron Diaz, Heather Graham, Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Love Hewitt came up to me as a group in the street and said "hey Replen, we want to have a mad sex orgy with you and then go out for a few beers and curry. Just tell us you like Coldplay", I'd tell them to 'fuck off' such is my hatred for that shit, shit band. Even writing their name makes me want to vomit.
Submitted by Off_The_Wagon (user info) at 2008-11-16 01:52:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/116807
I was really on form in the reviews. I didn't get enough credit for that.
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And pen_name, I'm sorry I couldn't do something as original as your last "generic" post. Blow me.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-16 01:47:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-11-16 01:42:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
sandman, you try so fucking hard to fit in that it hurts.
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OK, dude. If you say so.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-11-16 01:42:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
sandman, you try so fucking hard to fit in that it hurts.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-16 01:34:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
See, all I said was "Orphelia, I should like to get you pregnant".
She came over and we ground our pelvises together. It was really quite simple; I didn't have to do all that stuff you said.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-11-16 01:31:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And this could have been much better if it hadn't been done 6 kajillion times.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-11-16 01:30:34 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Coldplay rules!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qI8I6qcxWyU
Good job on covering your bases with that bear meat parenthetical. Insure isn't just a river in Egypt.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-11-16 01:24:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I for one despise Coldplay.
Submitted by Off_The_Wagon (user info) at 2008-11-16 01:23:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Look how I said I was too bored with this to continue the post. I'm such a badass.