The Shatner/Lee Incident (2 of 2) (1448 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: a_load_of_shat
Rating: 1.33 on 114 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack McCallum (View user info) at 2008-11-18 14:53:21 EST
The Shatner/Sagan Incident http://www.ubersite.com/m/109488
The Shatner/West Incident http://www.ubersite.com/m/113200
The Shatner/Lennon Incident http://www.ubersite.com/m/113808
The Shatner/Lee Incident (1) http://www.ubersite.com/m/116998
Shatner ducked and looked back. There was a cloud of dust wafting away from the dirt parking lot, and two unmarked white vans were excreting gun-wielding Chinamen in dark suits, some of them already shooting wildly at the cast and crew of Lee's movie.
Takei had grabbed a tree limb, halting his leap in mid-air the moment the shooting started. "I'll leave you to the Chinese Syndicate," Takei said, letting out a deep laugh and disappearing into the foliage overhead like a crazed Errol Flynn.
Shatner glanced at the Chinamen in their matching dark suits. "I thought Orientals were supposed to be small," he said. The men shooting in his direction were six feet tall or more, with thick necks and heads that looked like massive balls of hard flesh. "The odds are against us and the situation is grim."
The movie extras scattered, their faces pale with terror. The cameramen were cowering in fear, but the cameras were still running. Bruce grinned when six men in white t-shirts and blue jeans came out of the ranch house armed with Colt .45 automatics. They began shooting at the men in black suits. They were Chinese, young and fit, their faces set with dark determination.
"Personal bodyguards," Bruce said. He grabbed Shatner by the shoulders and spun him behind a tree trunk just as bullets thunked into the wood.
Bodyguards and assailants began shooting at each other. Three of the huge men in black broke away from the main group and raced to the tree. They filled the trunk with lead fragments and then tossed away their guns when they had fired their last shots. Two of them drew knives, and the third carried a short lacquered stick.
"Stay here," Bruce said to Shatner. He steeped out from behind the tree.
Shatner would never forget that first hit. Bruce Lee did some impressive things that day, but that first hit was incredible. The man in front of Bruce had to weight at least two hundred and twenty five pounds. Lee was standing almost nose to nose with the man, the meaty-headed attacker looking down at Lee and grinning. Lee didn't raise his arms. He planted his feet and his right arm, drew back and then forward, his fist and forearm striking out like a piston. Shatner could have sworn Lee's arm and fist moved no more than an inch backward and then an inch forward. The attacker let out a sound (plah!) and then he was lifted off of the ground, vomit spilling out of him as he flew backward at least fifteen feet. The attacker hit the ground and rolled and came to a stop, unconscious.
The other two men were on Bruce in a flash, lashing out with knife and stick. Bruce raised a forearm as the black lacquered stick was swung at his head. The stick shattered, and the end of it struck the tree behind Shatner's head hard enough to gouge away the bark.
"Holychrist," Shatner said.
Lee knocked the knife from the other attackers hand and then the three men were punching and kicking each other as they danced around.
"This must be that kong foo business," Shatner muttered. And then, "Oh no."
A corpulent dark-suited man was creeping up on Bruce's blind spot. His face was slick with running sweat and he was flicking some crazy contraption that looked like two very short sticks joined by a length of chain. Shatner knew he was out of his league, but he couldn't stand by and see the young Oriental beaten down. He shouted at the man with the chained sticks.
"Hey! Fats!"
The big Chinaman turned on Shatner and began bellowing in Cantonese.
Shatner raised his eyebrows. "Why all the mumbo-jumbo?"
The chain sticks were making a nasty whicka-whicka sound. "A tiny American," the man said in accented English. Before Shatner could reply the fat man's eyes widened. "You are the effeminate star man from television!"
Shatner's eyes narrowed. "What... didyoujustsay?"
"The pretty man from space! You wore sparkly clothes and high boots and painted your eyes! I think you are as weak as a woman!"
The sticks and chain continued to sing their deadly song.
Shatner was filled with fury. His body was almost convulsing with rage. A girl, he thought. Hecalledme... a girl.
He reached for the man, reaching blind, thinking he would rip out the man's eyes or throat or tear off the big Chinaman's testicles. If he had given it any thought he would have realized he had a good chance of having the bones in his hands shattered, but somehow one of the wooden sticks slapped into his palm. It hurt. Shatner winced, and pulled.
The big Chinaman had thrown his weight forward, putting all of his energy into that final swing of the nunchaku. He expected to shatter the little man's hands or skull. He did not expect to be pulled off balance.
When the man hit the ground Shatner kicked him in the head. It was like kicking a thirty pound cooked ham filled with buckshot. The kick reverberated up his leg to his hip. The big head slumped and the fat Chinaman stopped moving.
A gray van pulled into the parking lot, followed by a '70 Corvette painted hot pink.
"Oh shit," Bruce said. At his feet were heaps of unconscious assailants.
The side door of the van slid open and two men stepped out. They looked as lean and mean as rabid weasels, and they ran for Bruce.
"Oh shit?" Shatner didn't like the sound of that. "Whydidyousay oh shit?"
A blonde girl got out of the pink corvette. She was wearing a tie-dyed t-shirt tied off under her breasts, thigh-high white leather boots with gleaming steel spike heels, and the briefest blue jean cut-offs Shatner had ever seen.
"It's the Fok Brothers and Eden Cox," Bruce said. For the first time he sounded afraid. "Run, Bill, get the hell out of here!"
The Fok Brothers attacked Bruce, arms and legs moving so fast Shatner could hardly see them. He could hear skin slapping skin and bone impacting bone. He could hear grunts and gasps. Shatner thought it was like listening to the soundtrack of a porno flick running at high speed.
Eden Cox was skinny. She had nice legs, but not a lot of tit, and she would be pretty if she didn't look so damned cold. I can handle this, Shatner thought. He planted his feet as she stepped in front of him.
"Listen, sweethear—"
Something hit him in the chest and Shatner was falling backward, watching Eden Cox snap his silly straw hat out of the air and put it on as she stood with the leg that had hit him like a pile driver still extended, watching her pull a bandana that looked like the lower half of a skull out of her rear pocket and cover her nose and mouth, and marveling that any woman would go out in public in shorts that short, because Shatner could almost see the whole enchilada as the woman slowly lowered her leg, and he was grinning through the pain as he slammed into a bank of thankfully sandy earth.
Wow, she's a wildcat, Shatner thought as he sat up. He had bitten his lip, and he spit a little blood into the dirt. "Ouch."
The Fok Brothers each had hold of one of Bruce Lee's arms, and they were kicking him in the groin, gut and head, making sounds like Max Roach wailing on his drum kit. Bruce grit his teeth and raised his arms. The Fok Brothers lost their footing. Bruce dropped onto his back, taking his attackers with him.
"Hey doll," Shatner said, trying to catch his breath, "What's with the bandana?"
Eden Cox crossed her arms and gave Shatner a smirk. That's a good smirk, he thought. And I should know.
"When I fight the blood flies," she said. "And I don't like the taste."
Her voice was rough but soft, a thrill for the ears. Shatner felt the hairs standing up on the back of his neck. "Listen, sweetie," he said, standing and brushing dirt off of his shirt, "Why don't you skip back to your babemobile in your cuteboots before someone gets hurt?"
Bruce shook free of the Fok Brothers and leaped to his feet. Bruce spun and launched a high kick at the back of one Brother's head. The man's eyes popped out of their sockets and dangled on his cheeks. Bruce grabbed the other man by the shoulders and began slamming his knee into the man's groin so fast and fierce that the man began coughing up blood and staggered away. The blinded brother grabbed Bruce from behind in a choke-hold.
Eden Cox took off the straw hat and tossed it away. She lowered her head and gave Shatner a furious stare, her eyes glowing like molten gold.
"You're a dead man," she said in a hollow voice as she leaped into the air.
Shatner saw golden eyes burning with rage and sleek thighs opening wide and gasped the moment before her scantily-clad crotch slammed into his face. He thought steamed clam! and then he was suffocating, falling onto his side, and feeling his skull being crushed by taut muscular thighs.
"I'm going to squeeze your head until it pops," she said in a sugary purr.
What a spitfire, Shatner thought as his vision began to dim. Her only problem... she's not human. But if I gotta go... this certainly fits the bill. He heard a distant, womanly shriek and then saw George Takei tackle the woman and pull her away.
Shatner sucked air and got to his feet as Takei and Eden Cox struggled in the dust, the struggle coming to an abrupt end as she reached out and grabbed Takei's balls, tendons standing out on her hand like white cords. Takei chuffed a bubble of vomit and passed out.
As Eden Cox got to her feet Shatner punched her in the side of the head.
She staggered and gave him a shocked, hurt look. "I can't believe you hit a girl," she said, on the verge of tears.
Shatner saw her tensing, preparing to strike again, even as he slugged her in the jaw, knocking her out cold.
"Oh baby," he whispered.
He turned to see Bruce finish the fight with the Fok Brothers.
Bruce slammed his head back into the face of the blind brother. The man staggered backward and dropped dead, the front of his skull as concave as a spoon. Bruce slammed a foot down on the chest of the other Fok Brother and something that looked like a half-inflated purple balloon erupted from the man's mouth and rolled across the ground, it's slick surface gathering a coat of dust.
The ranch was littered with the dead and injured.
Shatner gave George Takei a gentle slap to bring the man around. "Come on, up and at 'em." Takei's eyelids fluttered and then he leaped to his feet and embraced Shatner.
"Oh thank God," Takei said, sobbing. "I don't know what I would have done if she had injured my sweet William."
Shatner leaned back. "Georgie... wediscussedthis. I'm... not thatway. The idea of male and female are universal constants."
Takei began braying, furiously wiping away his tears. "Damn this world," he said, disappearing into the trees with a graceful leap.
Shatner joined Lee and gave the young man a clap on the back. "You're all right, Bruce."
"You too, Bill. Sorry about all this, but I better wrap this shoot up and get lost for a while. I guess this movie won't be happening after all."
"Hey," Shatner said with a shrug. "It was fun."
They heard a car door slam and saw Eden Cox's pink corvette peeling out of the parking area.
"She is one vengeful bitch," Bruce said. "I'd keep an eye out for her."
"Oh, I always keep an eye out for the ladies," Shatner said.
NOTES -
In early 1973 Lee completed filming Enter the Dragon, the film that would make him an international star.
Bruce Lee died July 20th, 1973, in Hong Kong. The cause of his death is still debated by his fans.
The Chinese crime syndicate destroyed all of the footage Bruce Lee shot for King of the Assassins.
Shatner actually did live out of his truck for a while, and in July of 1969 he watched the moon landing as described here.
There are 4 Kirk quotes in this installment.
User Reviews
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2009-05-14 16:03:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese do another one.
come on man.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-05-14 15:49:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lul-Y8vSr0I
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-01-01 03:04:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-11-20 16:13:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:38:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:11:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here Jack. Do a Shatner episode with Michio Kaku.
...
There is a cutoff date for these. ... So I'm looking for people famous during the early 70s.
-----
The Shatner/Keith Moon Incident
Submitted by FilledwithHate (user info) at 2008-11-20 15:13:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bill Shatner awesomeness!
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2008-11-19 11:36:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://bushfordummies.com/img/bush_cheney_naked.jpg
Bubba told me to do this so that you guys could be friends again!
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2008-11-19 06:44:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-11-19 01:59:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Because Bubba crowbar'd his way into your post until someone broke down and acknowledged him.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-18 22:03:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-11-18 20:34:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
---
I actually e-mailed you about two years ago from my real e-mail address.
I don't remember what it was about though.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-11-18 21:48:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-11-18 20:34:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:33:56 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't have anyone here I've ever talked to outside of uber/gabbly/pulsehead.
But then I can't have links between my actual name and ubersite.
I've seen it not turn out well.
---------------------
Only in sporadic instances, Doodles. Only in sporadic instances.
BTW, way to make Bubba's head explode. +2 for that.
Now to disappear back into the ether.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-11-18 19:19:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
well, this is far and away better than the shite you've been posting recently.
this comment made me laugh: http://www.ubersite.com/m/119816#2816746
and you're still a fucking useless tit.
think that just about gets us up to speed.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-11-18 19:09:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YER ON A ROLL.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-11-18 19:08:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Right. I'm going home. Let's see if it is any warmer on the other side of the bay.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 19:05:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
someone irritated me, and so I took out the sunshine. It was too hot, anyhow.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-11-18 19:04:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Crystle, I don't know what you did to the weather but come on. Enough is enough.
Put it back the way it was.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:50:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
proof Uniter is JohnnyX below. Made me laugh, though.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:49:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:48:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:19:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jack, Crystle also wears stilettos and back seamed stockings. Like this...http://tinyurl.com/5778lr
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:36:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:33:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
so, 'no one' then?
===========
You really don't want me to "out" us as buddies, do you???????
I didn't think so............
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:36:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:19:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jack, she also wears stilettos and back seamed stockings. Like this..http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3135/2547879181_37e7dfb376.jpg?v=0
--
http://www.welchallyn.com/images/corporate/application%20images/970300Ex1aed10copsave.jpg
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:35:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Although http://www.ubersite.com/u/Randythehelpfulpineapple sounds like a reasonable and well adjusted gentleman.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:33:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't have anyone here I've ever talked to outside of uber/gabbly/pulsehead.
But then I can't have links between my actual name and ubersite.
I've seen it not turn out well.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:33:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
so, 'no one' then?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:32:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Apollo, when YOU have your OWN site, you may ask if I am wanted here. Until then, Britfag, kiss off.
PS: Crystle, stuff your big tits up yer ass, bitch.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:22:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
bubba, out of 30k registered users and about 700 real active users can you honestly say about ONE FUCKING USER that 'he/she is my mate on here'?
Don't decry it as gay or sad or that you are not here to be 'friends' with people but is there at least ONE person who you enjoy bantering with or you are friendly with them offline?
ONE?
Everyone has at least one, most have several.
Who's yours?
And if you have no answer, would you agree that you should just fuck off and die because nobody wants you here?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:22:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bubba, it doesn't count when they weigh 600lbs
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:21:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:11:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, so you're saying that I was wrong when I said you fucked up his name?
===============
Doodles: Yes, you are a fucktard.
Crystle: 34DD. Big fucking whoop. I've known women who have NIPPLES bigger than your tits,
Brains, baby, brains,
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:20:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
thats true too. but don't forget i'm a prude
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:19:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jack, she also wears stilettos and back seamed stockings. Like this..http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3135/2547879181_37e7dfb376.jpg?v=0
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:16:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is simply darling.
What you said:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/119853#2817412
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:51:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:49:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fg looks about 12 in that picture by the way.
the skull does wonders by way of erasing years from her face.
================
She should erase YOUR face, little boy. Her IQ would devastate you and Crystle multiplied by Avagadro's constant
A-v--A--g-a-d-r-o
My reply:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/119853#2817423
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:56:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And by fuck up I mean misspell "Avrogadro's constant"
And then this.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/119853#2817436
http://www.ubersite.com/m/119853#2817444
You are not fit to be called human.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:15:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:13:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
34DD Bubba.... oh, AND I CAN THINK RATIONALLY
--
http://www.virginmedia.com/images/gruesome_scanners_431x300.jpg
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:13:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
34DD Bubba.... oh, AND I CAN THINK RATIONALLY
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:12:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:09:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
2) Crystle HAS no IQ. Tits are worthless.
--
There's only one way to deal with a mad dog.
http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y188/menaceodie/atticus.jpg
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:11:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, so you're saying that I was wrong when I said you fucked up his name?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:09:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Doodles, little boy, my points are legion.
1) You are a fucking idiot.
2) Crystle HAS no IQ. Tits are worthless.
3) STOP sucking up to the A-Listers.
4) Jack can kiss MY skinny white ass.
5) YOU are a fucking moron.
6) Fuck Off And Die.
7) Avogadro. No more need be said, LITTLE BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:05:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't understand your point bobby
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:03:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Avogadro (ä'və-gä'drō) Pronunciation Key
Italian chemist and physicist who formulated the hypothesis known as Avogadro's law in 1811.
The American Heritage® Science Dictionary
Copyright © 2002 by Houghton Mifflin Company.
Published by Houghton Mifflin Company. All rights reserved.
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===================
Heh. READ IT AND WEEP, DOODLES, YOU little boy. God, you have shown your stupidity to the World.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:02:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:42:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:33:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
more hip ...for starters...
==============
REAL men don't rate bicthes on hips or tits. They rate them on IQ. Forensic wins by about 1000 points.
--
Can I have both, please? I gotta have something to talk about after I wear myself out delivering six minutes of synapse-blowing pleasure.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:02:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
crystle being mean below.
You'll have to cut her some slack, she isn't used to it.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 18:01:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you doll. No more than you are, though.
The fun part, Bubba, if you want to know, is that FG and I are fairly well matched brain to brain (yes, I mean IQ to IQ) from what I can tell. People that banter typically find some worth in those they banter with. Which is why people ignore you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-18 14:54:00 PST (#)
Ranking: 2
Like I said, I know Crystle and she's an evil genius.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:59:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But, you ARE right, I didn't know it off the top of my head.
Mostly because I have no need to no it.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:57:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
fails at below comments below
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:57:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
better than bubba, below
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:57:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:49:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:47:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SORRY if I ruined anyone's fun, but Crystle is a fucking RETARD copmpared to FG, and everyone here knows it, including Doodles. TITS DO NOT A BRAIN MAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
--
I'm gonna heat up my next pot of soup in your fucking skull.
=====================
HOO BOY, WE BE JAMMIN' NOW!!!!!!
jack, kiss my SKINNY WHITE ASS!!!!!!
Then, blow DOODLES!!!!!!!!
Read Doodles last comment concerning, " wow. I don't know, but youse dont either so im cooler than youse."
my god, he is a stupid LITTLE BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:56:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:55:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
everyone is smart compared to bubba.
it's like being called 'tall' by shlongy or 'reasonable' by jack.
--
*guffaws, feels surge of guilt*
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:56:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And by fuck up I mean misspell "Avrogadro's constant" which anyone who has taken chem 1 in high school uses.
Seriously, you're worse than sico.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:55:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
unreasonable
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:55:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-17 23:06:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not fake ginger anymore
not even blonde anymore.
--
*snaps pencil in two, knocks over coffee cup, makes gutteral noises and throws stapler across the room*
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:55:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
everyone is smart compared to bubba.
it's like being called 'tall' by shlongy or 'reasonable' by jack.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:54:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"Avagadro's constant"
Way to fuck up.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:54:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't consider myself that smart. Like I said, I know Crystle and she's an evil genius.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:53:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
bubba's been on the booze again.
he's such a horrible old peasant.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:51:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would disagree.
Not because I know either of them but because I DON'T know either of them.
You're not really qualified to make that call.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:51:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:49:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fg looks about 12 in that picture by the way.
the skull does wonders by way of erasing years from her face.
================
She should erase YOUR face, little boy. Her IQ would devastate you and Crystle multiplied by Avagadro's constant. Look it up, little boy.
PS:
little boy
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:49:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:47:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
SORRY if I ruined anyone's fun, but Crystle is a fucking RETARD copmpared to FG, and everyone here knows it, including Doodles. TITS DO NOT A BRAIN MAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
--
I'm gonna heat up my next pot of soup in your fucking skull.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:49:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fg looks about 12 in that picture by the way.
the skull does wonders by way of erasing years from her face.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:47:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:45:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow
way to ruin the fun there bob-o
seriously?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:45:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bubba - you have no idea what you're talking about. STFU
======================+++++++++++++++++================+++++++++++
SORRY if I ruined anyone's fun, but Crystle is a fucking RETARD copmpared to FG, and everyone here knows it, including Doodles. TITS DO NOT A BRAIN MAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:46:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh no. Crystle is FAR smarter than I. She's got everyone fooled. I alone know the truth.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:45:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow
way to ruin the fun there bob-o
seriously?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:45:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bubba - you have no idea what you're talking about. STFU
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:42:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:33:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
more hip ...for starters...
==============
REAL men don't rate bicthes on hips or tits. They rate them on IQ. Forensic wins by about 1000 points.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:41:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Try me.
I'll crumple you worse than oathmeal could even dream of.
That sentence makes no sense.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:39:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:35:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
crystle IS a prude after all.
--
I'm gonna punch your face in.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:38:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:11:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here Jack. Do a Shatner episode with Michio Kaku.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michio_Kaku
He's quite a character actually.
--
There is a cutoff date for these. These stories cover Shatner's 'Lost Years' so to speak, his down time when he had fuck all going on between the cancellation of TOS in 1969 to the shooting of TMP (after many false starts) in 1978. So I'm looking for people famous during the early 70s.
Yes, I am a Trek geek. I can say 'quadrotriticale' three times fast.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:36:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Doodles is right... again.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:35:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fg and crystle for the win.
Jack should know better, though.
crystle IS a prude after all.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:34:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think Jack and tell the difference between the two of us. You think if I did what you're suggesting, he wouldn't have had a meltdown?! C'mon it's Jack we're talking about.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:33:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
more hip ...for starters...
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:32:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh, hun - we ALL know I have more hip than you...
Changing your hair color and claiming it's me just doesn't quite cut it.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:30:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't listen to her. All I do is some color balancing.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:27:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:23:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
she does good work with photoshop, though, doesn't she Jack? Too bad none of it's real
--
*considers a random, rage-driven act of crumpling*
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:24:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
*speechless*
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:23:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
she does good work with photoshop, though, doesn't she Jack? Too bad none of it's real
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:21:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah well, don't e-mail me anymore about how your palm is getting calloused, peeling skin on your wang, and dehydration and THEN asking me to try and get you another pic of Crystle.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:18:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:16:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's funny when you tease Jack, Crystle. Everytime you say something somewhat suggestive, he can't stand up from his desk without a manilla folder in front of him.
--
It has to be legal size as well. If all I have is letter size I'm in trouble.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:18:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pssssh...that was SO yesterday.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:16:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's funny when you tease Jack, Crystle. Everytime you say something somewhat suggestive, he can't stand up from his desk without a manilla folder in front of him.
And with your announcement that you received your Fredrick's order, he won't get one thing accomplished today.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:14:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:14:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bicth.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:13:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shat meats skelator.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:11:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here Jack. Do a Shatner episode with Michio Kaku.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michio_Kaku
He's quite a character actually.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:05:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-11-18 14:02:16 PST (#)
Ranking: 1
Jack - Bruce Lee was certainly a badass, but many of the 'facts' you list are simply not within the realm of possibility for any human with a natural biological skeleton and muscles. Not that he didn't appear to do them in movies, of course.
<...geek talk...>
Thus it is proven that Bruce Lee was/is a cyborg.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:02:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Jack - Bruce Lee was certainly a badass, but many of the 'facts' you list are simply not within the realm of possibility for any human with a natural biological skeleton and muscles. Not that he didn't appear to do them in movies, of course.
Hand moves from stop to 3 ft in 5/100ths of a second
S1=0
S2=3ft
t1=0
t2=5/100=.02s
V1=0
V2=?
Vavg=(V1+V2)/2
Aavg=?
S2=S1+Vavg(t2-t1)=> Vavg=(S2-S1)/(t2-t1)=(3-0)/(.02-0)= 150ft/s= 102mph
Vavg=(V2+V1)/2=> V2=2(Vavg)-V1= 2(150)-0= 300ft/s = 204mph
Aavg=(V2-V1)/t2-t1)= (300-0)/(.02-0)= 15000 ft/s^2= 466.3g
466g is well beyond the tolerance of human tissue, even Mr. Lee's, but let's say it wasn't...
Now three feet away, his hand is still moving away at over 200 miles per hour. If he could stop it with the same abilities with which he began the strike, his had would have stretched his arm to a length of six feet. Again, this is beyond the capabilities of human tissue.
Thus it is proven that Bruce Lee was/is a cyborg.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-11-18 17:00:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-11-18 16:51:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shatner meets the Harlem Globe Trotters
Shatner meets Abbot and Costello
Shatner meets Batman and Robin
Shatner meets Laurel and Hardy
Shatner meets The Three Stooges
=====================
The Three Stooges????
Nah, Apollo, Method, and Doodles would decline. Nice try though.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-11-18 16:51:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shatner meets the Harlem Globe Trotters
Shatner meets Abbot and Costello
Shatner meets Batman and Robin
Shatner meets Laurel and Hardy
Shatner meets The Three Stooges
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-11-18 16:31:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HERE IS WHERE McCALLUM WORKS
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V
in a bank, you gullible fucks.
:)
Shatner meets Mr. T. . . .
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-11-18 16:28:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF?? below
|
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V
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 16:28:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
not fair to tease me like that. *pout*
but yes, do more shatner.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-11-18 16:24:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh... I was just kidding. You think I'd actually tell uber where I work? No, I'm quite comfy here at MY bank. No worries here.
Now to decide who Shatner is gonna meet next.
I should do a few more and then publish them as THE SECRET LIFE OF WILLIAM SHATNER.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 16:20:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
citigroup? n'est pas?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-11-18 16:18:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
????
v
v
v
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 15:57:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
have your job still? when do you find out?
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-11-18 15:49:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Denny Crane!!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-11-18 15:47:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/119828#2816169
--
*experiences Spontaneous Gonadal Detonation*
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 15:21:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I couldn't let you get ALL the attention, could I?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-18 15:06:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 14:00:47 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
hmmm... pretty good.
not enough "Crystle is hot and everybody wants her" though...
=====
Jesus don't encourage him, Crystle. Remember, he faps to your camwhores. Excessively.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-11-18 15:19:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am a whore of biblical proportions
http://www.ubersite.com/m/110840
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-11-18 15:17:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-11-18 15:15:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One_inch_punch
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-11-18 15:15:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Mr. Dickhead forgot to add this as a footnote...
Here's an old Bruce Lee interview with Pierre Berton of all people (Berton was a historian/journalist/pot aficionado who is known by every Canadian).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZ0RF_QetSQ
Some Bruce Lee facts...
Lee's striking speed from three feet with his hands down by his side reached five hundredths of a second.
Lee could spring a 235 lb (107 kg) opponent 15 feet (4.6 metres) away with a 1 inch punch.
Lee's combat movements were at times too fast to be captured on film at 24fps, so many scenes were shot in 32fps to put Lee in slow motion. Normally martial arts films are sped up.
In a speed demonstration, Lee could snatch a dime off a person's open palm before they could close it, and leave a penny behind.
Lee could perform push ups using only his thumbs.
Lee would hold an elevated v-sit position for 30 minutes or longer.
Lee could throw grains of rice up into the air and then catch them in mid-flight using chopsticks.
Lee performed one-hand push-ups using only the thumb and index finger.
Lee performed 50 reps of one-arm chin-ups.
From a standing position, Lee could hold a 125 lb (57 kg) barbell straight out.
Lee could break wooden boards 6 inches (15 cm) thick.
Lee performed a side kick while training with James Coburn and broke a 150-lb (68 kg) punching bag.
Lee could cause a 300-lb (136 kg) bag to fly towards and thump the ceiling with a side kick.
In a move that has been dubbed "Dragon Flag", Lee could perform leg lifts with only his shoulder blades resting on the edge of a bench and suspend his legs and torso perfectly horizontal midair.
Lee could thrust his fingers through unopened steel cans of Coca-Cola, at a time before cans were made of the softer aluminum metal.
Lee could use one finger to leave dramatic indentations on pine wood.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-11-18 15:15:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Were they arguing over the bar bill at the club again?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-11-18 15:13:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-18 15:06:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 14:00:47 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
hmmm... pretty good.
not enough "Crystle is hot and everybody wants her" though...
=====
Jesus don't encourage him, Crystle. Remember, he faps to your camwhores. Excessively.
--
Taking time off and applying a medicated ointment to the friction burns and abrasions was no help. The menthol in the ointment only adds to... christ, I have to stop doing this!
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-11-18 15:13:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
one inch punch FTW!!
Crystal is hot, I want her.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-11-18 15:11:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 15:00:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hmmm... pretty good.
not enough "Crystle is hot and everybody wants her" though...
--
Oh, but I've written that in any number of media (including bodily fluids) on the soundproof brick walls of my underground... uh, nevermind.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-11-18 15:10:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-11-18 15:07:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-18 15:06:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 14:00:47 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
hmmm... pretty good.
not enough "Crystle is hot and everybody wants her" though...
=====
Jesus don't encourage him, Crystle. Remember, he faps to your camwhores. Excessively.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-18 15:00:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
These are some of your better pieces. Who doesn't love The Shat. You should send these to him.
I mean it. He's got an ego.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-18 15:00:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hmmm... pretty good.
not enough "Crystle is hot and everybody wants her" though...
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-11-18 15:00:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
before I even read it.
by far my favorite non-zombie series.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-18 14:59:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was about ready to scream "YOU LIED TO ME!" until I read to the end.
Eden Cox....Eating Cocks....you asshole.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-11-18 14:59:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
None of these were entertaining.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-11-18 14:58:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-18 14:57:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Because this was somewhat funny, and I enjoyed it.