The lowest point (645 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.51 on 48 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <hiddenagenda.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2003-08-13 11:51:55 EDT
Being a recent college graduate, I can say that I am fairly well versed at being broke. Not just the "no I can't afford to go out" broke. I'm talking the "only thing to eat in my apartment is 2 dirty socks and a dust bunny" broke. Well, once I graduated I figured things would take a turn for the better. I would get a great job, make some money, pay off some college debt, life would become more bearable.
Needless to say, I was sadly mistaken. After trying to find a decent job, I gave up and settled for being a personal assistant. Granted, it's better than McDonald's, but the pay is about the same.
So after moving into the city, getting an apartment (sans roommate) and establishing myself as an adult, the shit hit the fan. My car died, student loan payments were due, I broke my leg (no health insurance)and numerous other fiscal nightmares.
Yesterday, I hit a new low. I went to the store to buy my favorite college staples (ramen noodles and mac and cheese). I came home, I ate and preceeded to feel the urge to "drop the kids off at the pool". As I sat down I picked up a magazine and made myself comfortable. When the time came to clean up, I looked to my life and NO TOILET PAPER! Ok, I thought to myself, I've delt with worse conditions. I ended up wiping with the aforementioned magazine. The next day, I went to the store to get some TP, but low and behold I have no money. Zip, Zero, Zilch, Nada. So what did I do?
Well, I went to work the next day and I hit an all time low. I stole all of the toilet paper out of my office bathrooms (both men and women. I usually get to work early, but this morning I made sure to be there extra early. I took a grocery store bag into each bathroom and proceeded to pilfer all of the TP.
When everyone got to work, there was a ripple effect. At first it was just a mild inconvience that there was no TP, but soon it was an office scandal. Blame was placed on the suspected culprit (the cleaning people) and I managed to walk out of the office scott free and 12 rolls of toilet paper richer.
I sincerely hope that this is the new low and not the beginning of a sick, sad trend.
(be kind, this is my first post)
User Reviews
Submitted by Queen (user info) at 2003-08-24 01:59:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post kicks ass! And if you keep it up, you'll be on the most viewed list in no time. Great job, and I'll pray that your situation gets better..lol.
Queen
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2003-08-24 01:27:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Your +2 was marred upon the mention that this was your first post.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2003-08-24 01:11:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahhahahahhahhahaha
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2003-08-15 09:10:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAH.
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2003-08-15 08:57:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ROFL! Ive heard of people pinching pens... paper... computers... um, my dad even used to nick the industrial cleaner for his drive way... but toilet paper!
Submitted by myghostkitty (user info) at 2003-08-15 08:49:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is fucking awesome
Submitted by irishlnz (user info) at 2003-08-14 13:30:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by hiddenagenda (user info) at 2003-08-14 08:22:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually, I'm from Richmond. Although there are no rednecks in the city, if you dare to venture outside the city limits you are in for a treat. I'm talking redneck banjo playin', gun rack in truck, coon dog breeding, deliverance kind of rednecks.
I once made the mistake of getting a flat tire in BFE and this man in a TRACTOR (yes a tractor) pulled over and said (and I quote) " Ya'll needin' a little help there, doll?" There are two problems with this statement. 1) I was by myself, so where did he get the "ya'll"? 2) When he pulled over to "help" the tire was already changed, I was pretty much covered in grease and road dirt.
Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the concern, but being approached by a man with 4 teeth wearing overalls and driving a tractor is not the most reassuring sight.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2003-08-13 17:38:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
My backup tactic for when times are lean...whenever I get fast food, I grab a hug stack of napkins. They can be used as paper towels, kleenez and toilet paper if needed.
OBEYNelson...if you think there are no Rednecks in Northern Virgina, you haven't left Fairfax county much have you. Prince william county, and Loudoun counties are FILLED with fkin rednecks.
I grew up in Burke from 79-97. 18 years. (I was born in 72 in the midwest but whatever) Trust me when I say you just haven't looked hard.
-Turtle
Submitted by OBEYnelson (user info) at 2003-08-13 16:45:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
are you from northern Virginia? Because there are no rednecks in northern virginia. at all.
(I live in northern Virginia)
Submitted by CynicallyCorrect (user info) at 2003-08-13 16:29:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MMmmmmmmm....dust bunny.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2003-08-13 16:28:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My roommates and I didn't buy toilet paper our last 3 years of college. We'd each just grab a roll from some bathroom on campus every now and then. It was great.
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2003-08-13 16:07:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What was your major, that you had to take a secretary job? *cough* liberal arts *cough*
Submitted by LazyFatAss (user info) at 2003-08-13 15:46:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well did you ever fuck in a coal mine? or any place that would sound country bumpkinish. I am not trying to degrade you with this question. It's just that a lot of the country bumpkins in the area I live (Detroit Suburbs) all did in corn/wheat fields for their first time and many subsequent times. I was just wondering if this was limited to Northern Michigan.
Also I don't have family in Virginia, they are in pennsylvannia, and my first time was in a coal mine. With my sister of course, just like all hicks. Some say, "Geez, that's fuckin' sick" I just say, "Geez, that' was fuckin' convienent"
Submitted by Infecto (user info) at 2003-08-13 14:16:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey rock on! You're in a good place in life now. You don't have to fill buckets at work because your water bill is paid!
Seriously though, I also know what its like to be there. What I found helps is making up a humble superhero persona that goes along with poverty. Like, "I am Toofy, the omniscient hermit who hides wisdom behind a mask of confusion and a wallmart wardrobe." Or maybe, "I am Mambo-Jumbo, the eccentric nature shaman who absolves all belongings and heals the world."
I was, "Infecto, the starving artist who will one day change the world! when he's done growing up."
It works wonders. Life can be fun.
Submitted by Arsenal (user info) at 2003-08-13 13:52:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats why you only steal the frozen dinners out of the office freezer.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-08-13 13:32:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
oh man, i've stolen TP from public bathrooms when i was broke, too. i feel your pain. hang in there. it gets better. you may have to work two jobs until you can get out of the rut. nice first post.
Submitted by Rivers_Liebig (user info) at 2003-08-13 13:30:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus a gazillion
Submitted by LucidCognition (user info) at 2003-08-13 13:21:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit, Manfre thats the greatest fucking idea. I dont think those guys will be stealing lunches anymore.
Only 5 people work in my office though - so no problems with food stealing.
Submitted by hiddenagenda (user info) at 2003-08-13 13:18:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry, LazyFatAss, you seem to be confusing me with you cousin....wait, or is that you sister?
Submitted by LazyFatAss (user info) at 2003-08-13 13:13:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHHHHHHHhhh, Virginia. So, you are one of the country bumpkin types. I got a special place in my heart for country bumpkins. Was your first time in a coal mine?
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2003-08-13 13:11:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by tartpumper (user info) at 2003-08-13 12:39:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
I steal everything from work, stationery, other peoples dinners from the fridge, TP, etc.
Dude if you ever stole my food from work youd end up shitting for hours... I pack up 2 brownies for lunch if I dont buy. One is chock full of exlax and still sealed. Youd eat the sealed one (They always do) and theyd be crapping their brains out... It was classic...
Submitted by hiddenagenda (user info) at 2003-08-13 13:08:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I was actually directing it to oddzandendz, who thought I was beating off in a locker room.
Submitted by DrunkMonk (user info) at 2003-08-13 13:07:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You know, I was much better at saving money when I made less of it than I am now. Not that I make that much now, but still...
Find a house that has those automatic sprinklers that pop out of the ground in the middle of the night and sit on it. You should probably crap in their bushes too, as fertilizer.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-08-13 13:06:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I wasn't using the word "man" in reference to your sex. It was just a general man/gee/boy/gosh word.
Submitted by hiddenagenda (user info) at 2003-08-13 12:54:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I try to make soap a priority in my life. The dollar tree can work wonders on a tight budget.
Submitted by heatherm (user info) at 2003-08-13 12:53:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by tartpumper (user info) at 2003-08-13 12:39:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
I steal everything from work, stationery, other peoples dinners from the fridge, TP, etc.
hahahahaha. That's funny but..man..you suck. Someone used to steal my shit from the freezer at work. That really sucks when you don't have money to go buy lunch.
Submitted by Raimee (user info) at 2003-08-13 12:52:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cool. How old are you?
I am 23 and my name is Raimee.
Nice to meet you.
Submitted by johnnyOZ (user info) at 2003-08-13 12:50:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, jump in the shower and wash your butt with a soapy washcloth.... Unless you don't have soap? :)
Nice story, I'm sorry to hear that...
Submitted by xLisaCatx (user info) at 2003-08-13 12:49:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I remember this phase in my life.
It brings back many memories of small business consulting. *shudder*
Persevere and within 12 months you'll be starting your career, paying your bills, getting married, and being able to wipe your ass properly.
Welcome to ubersite.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-08-13 12:46:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by hiddenagenda (user info) at 2003-08-13 12:45:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm from Virginia.
Submitted by hiddenagenda (user info) at 2003-08-13 12:44:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sometimes I am so tempted to take other peoples stuff. Especially people who are nasty to me simply because I am younger. What I really want to do is take my POS car and ram it into the back of thier Mecedes 300. But I'm not bitter.....no......not at all....
Submitted by Raimee (user info) at 2003-08-13 12:43:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Welcome to Uber.
Where ya from?
Submitted by tartpumper (user info) at 2003-08-13 12:39:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I steal everything from work, stationery, other peoples dinners from the fridge, TP, etc.
Submitted by EnchantorTim (user info) at 2003-08-13 12:28:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for being a woman
Submitted by hiddenagenda (user info) at 2003-08-13 12:25:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, that's what I should have done. But desperate times call for desperate measures, Oh and I'm a woman.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-08-13 12:22:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Why didn't you just steal them one or two at a time. You could have maintained a constant supply without raising any flags. Man, what did you learn in college?
Submitted by acrog (user info) at 2003-08-13 12:22:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
been there, done that.
Not 12 rolls at once, but enough to get me by until my next paycheck.
Stealing from work is awesome when you're getting screwed on the $,
Unless you work for a mom and pop type business. Then it's fucked up.
Submitted by EnchantorTim (user info) at 2003-08-13 12:21:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 good stuff kid
Submitted by oddzandendz (user info) at 2003-08-13 12:19:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
dude....if youre ever taking a shit and you realize youre out of TP, the trick is to jump in the shower. Its more effective than TP itself, let alone a page from the latest issue of locker-room blowjobs.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2003-08-13 12:13:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 points to stealing toilet paper, now see if you can rip off the candy machines! :D
Submitted by Freak_Nasty (user info) at 2003-08-13 12:08:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ya gotta do what ya gotta do.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2003-08-13 12:08:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck "first post"
this made me laugh. REALLY REALLY HARD.
good work and keep it up!
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2003-08-13 12:02:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by gulpingfish2 (user info) at 2003-08-13 12:02:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hear ya.. I graduated from University a year or so ago and was layed off from my decent job not long after (gotta love the I.T. field). I'm now just hovering above the poverty line myself. I haven't had to resort to stealing TP from work yet, but I'll let ya know when I do.. it shouldn't be long.
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2003-08-13 11:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome to Uber. Funny stuff.
Submitted by allisona (user info) at 2003-08-13 11:58:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2