God Damnit (1577 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.32 on 69 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ballare (View user info) at 2008-11-24 13:57:20 EST
I can still hear them fucking in there, but maybe I can't, maybe it's just my imagination.
Maybe that thumping is just her head hitting the wall, over and over again, his heels punching back into the footboard of the bed. They're - practising for a play.
But probably it's not, probably he's just ramming her from behind and oh god the noises she makes are so repulsive.
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good fuck myself, but at least I have the decency of being quiet about it.
I heard them - or thought I heard them - when I got up this morning, to go downstairs to shower. Since she uses the upstairs shower, her and the two other roommates. And they were getting it on, I didn't want to have to listen to that, to have that ruining my shower experience. Mine is better anyway, a bit smaller, but there's no disgusting clumps of hair in the drain either so I think it's a fair trade-off, and I keep it clean because I like it when things are clean.
I wondered briefly if the reason I'm so repulsed by their sex noises is because I'm jealous? But then I realize I manage to get off just fine with my boyfriend, not to mention he's better looking than her "he's not my boyfriend we're just trying to be friends for now!!1!" lover and we have that wonderful familiarity between bodies.
So then I figure it's just because I hate her. Really, I do. The two other roommates? We get along fine.
Then this one discovered sex. I never realized what they said about Catholic girls was true, but it is. Add that on top of her nauseating shedding hair everywhere in the house, how she eats our food and uses our dishes, and leaves the TV on with the remote sitting on top of it, how she's lost her key so she just climbs in through the kitchen window and leaves all the doors unlocked since she's too cheap to buy a new one; then I realize, yeah, I just despise her for the shitty person she is.
I compose a letter - a rant - in the shower, muttering out loud to myself when the words slip out and I can't stop them.
Come out here. Get dressed, come out here. Fuck you, get your ugly naked ass out here, the both of you. Hey. Nice to see your ugly face. Glad you covered up for me. I've noticed - we've all noticed - that you've discovered the joys of sex. Good for you! Isn't it wonderful? I've been doing it way longer than you have, and boy it sure doesn't stop being that much fun.
I warned her once already, rapped on her door last night on the rare occasion I was actually trying to study, go figure. "If I can hear you in my room, across the hall, your filthy slut noises, you are being too loud."
Somewhere along the lines of this wonderful blossoming sexual relationship between the two of you decided, hey! the noises we are making, they are okay. They are okay because every porn we've ever seen, yeah, they make those noises too right so that's what you're supposed to do? Here is the thing my friends - they're paid professionally to do that, and you, unless there's something going on here I don't know about, you do not. So, no; you live in a four-person house, no, those noises are not okay.
I say that last bit out loud. Four-person house. Might as well be five, with her annoying indie skinny-jeans non-boyfriend who eats all our food and tries to be too friendly with us and never flushes the toilet. Ever. Consider that. Ever. Who is here all the time, and I hate his shoes, whenever I see his shoes I just want to spit in them and I certainly don't like you any more than I like your jock bitch non-girlfriend what whose sex noises are much too loud.
God damnit I hate them both so much I just want to punch them in the throat when them come out of her room looking both so smug and self-satisfied, like they were the first ever to discover that position to optimize the size of tiny indie cock. Congratulations.
There is no reason I should have to hear those noises, not across the hall in my room when I am studying and certainly not after I have warned you once already. I can hear them loud and clear, you think the girl next to you can't? She only laughs it off because we turn the TV up too loud when we know you are sleeping, we make those rude and awkward comments to you and your non-boyfriend to make you feel uncomfortable, we intentionally go out of our way to make life for you just that much harder. So close your fucking whore mouth when you're having sex with that skinny-jeans monstrosity.
I'd like to see her cry when I tell her these things so that I can go, "Shut up, shut the fuck up and listen to me." And shake her, I'd like to shake her, she's so small I could take her on.
Bite a pillow. Bite him. Bite your goddamn self for all I care. Just stop making so much fucking noise.
God damnit. I can hear them again.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-04-06 15:55:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha, fun post to read.
I dated a girl who was still in college in a town a couple hours away for a while. whenever I stayed at her house I was a little nervous about us making noise because the walls of the appartment she shared with two additional smoking hot girls were incredibly thin. I know they heard us on many occasions just as I heard them. it was never directly addressed but I know the times I heard them going at it it was easy to picture them and be inspired to rouse my girl for some competition.
if I were writing to penthouse I'd add the part about THEM being inspired to join US but unfortunately that ust didn't happen. did enjoy the site of both of them naked on seperate occasions though, very nice.
Submitted by sketch9 (user info) at 2009-04-02 00:53:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
YALL NIGGAS BEEN TROLLED
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-11-28 11:43:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
whoa that is a totally valid question my friend
but I think no
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-11-28 08:36:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a big fan of the dorm room shoulder bite. Well, except for one girl. I had to stop and get some bactine on the way home from her place. She broke the skin a bit and there's no more disgusting place than the mouth of a human. I didn't want to get an infection.
Does an infection in your shoulder from a bite during sex count as an STD?
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-11-28 07:24:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Meh, don't be whiney little bitch, Sex noises are hot, if me and my misses here our housemates fucking, it becomes a competition. It's a great excuse to start some loud fucking, trying to out do your roomies. This has always been my way, even if I'm alone and hear roomies getting it on, moaning and groaning, it's hot, gives me a boner, and you gotta love firing of knuckle children.
In previous relationships / flats, roomies sex noises and our competing has sparked a foursome / chick swap. Now that is a real winner.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2008-11-26 18:44:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Worst Post Evar.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2008-11-26 17:24:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I think most of the time, the girl is just imitating what she's seen in porn. I doubt she screams her head off when she's alone, rubbing one out.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-11-25 14:55:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a roommate once who for some reason thought she had to scream every dam time she had sex.
She lucky she's still alive.
I can't believe the men who screwed her didn't kill her.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-11-25 14:46:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what the fuck is a slack jawed anus?
Submitted by BigBuffty (user info) at 2008-11-25 12:01:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
just shut up you whiney little bitch, what the fuck is this about anyway? you tired of trying to find a cock large enough to fill your slack-jawed anus?
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-11-25 11:56:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-11-25 06:01:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-11-24 20:21:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, AsshOly, I've encountered your kind before. Nothing wrong with that, really, just means you have to go off different cues than verbal ones.
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It happens with oral only. Funny, because I love oral. But during sex I like to do most of the work. My first time, I was self-conscious about being a dead fish, you know, so I worked really hard and it's just become habit. My enthusiasm generally doesn't come into question even if I'm silent as the night while I'm doing the deed.
--
Well, you know, I just kind of assume if the dude's havin' sex with you (me) then they're probably enjoying it. Or, at least, getting something out of it. I used to be really quiet, no-sound-but-the-bed-squeak quiet until early on I had one boyfriend tell me it was cool to make some sort of noise, which it is! Happy little sounds can be fun, too.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-11-25 08:52:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-11-25 05:56:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I would like to know, also, what kind of a man tells another man that he has a small dick and would like advice on how to properly fuck a woman. At which point, two people would come online and ask and then report back to their friends with details. SOMETHING is fishy about this.
**********************************************************************
It's called humor, you see, if I was to reply bragging about my monstrous penos
a. No one would believe me
b. I would be forced to wang-whore with a sock on my unit for proof, and we all know how well that goes over.
c. My inbox would be full from offers from the uber-chicks (and Caul.)
d. The other replies about small penises would not have happened, driving the over all traffic for the site into the shitter.
Therefore I proclaim myself Savior of Ubersite
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-11-25 07:42:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
call 911 and get the hell out.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-11-25 06:01:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-11-24 20:21:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, AsshOly, I've encountered your kind before. Nothing wrong with that, really, just means you have to go off different cues than verbal ones.
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It happens with oral only. Funny, because I love oral. But during sex I like to do most of the work. My first time, I was self-conscious about being a dead fish, you know, so I worked really hard and it's just become habit. My enthusiasm generally doesn't come into question even if I'm silent as the night while I'm doing the deed.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-11-25 05:56:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And i just got to ballare's answer. I dont think so. I dont even like doggy style that much. Or maybe it's that my girlfriend doesnt like it and she starts talking to me about things unrelated to sex when we do it. But the point is, with doggy style, everybody needs to be postured perfectly for all the instruments to line up correctly. With the legs-over-shoulders approach you can pretty much do whatever you want and it's still gravy.
I would like to know, also, what kind of a man tells another man that he has a small dick and would like advice on how to properly fuck a woman. At which point, two people would come online and ask and then report back to their friends with details. SOMETHING is fishy about this.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-11-25 05:47:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:13:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:08:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what position maximizes a small penis again?
it's not for me
It's for a friend.
seriously.
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Yeah, is there like a website you could get this info from? I, too, have a friend who could use this.
Seriously, it's not for me.
Seriously.
*shifty glance*
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Put the girl's legs over your shoulders. It gives you the best point of access for your tiny dick.
You could get this info from having sex one time.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-25 00:33:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
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Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-11-24 11:05:28 PST (#)
Ranking: 1
*blows off dust
*opens uber meme box
SKANK IT OFF!
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2008-11-24 22:30:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-11-24 20:21:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, AsshOly, I've encountered your kind before. Nothing wrong with that, really, just means you have to go off different cues than verbal ones.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:13:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm really quiet in bed. I've been asked this exact question several times: "are you even enjoying this?"
A friend of mine wakes up every morning to her bitch neighbor getting fucked by her boyfriend. She had to move her bed to the opposite wall because she her neighbor's bed had earlier shared that wall and she could feel them having sex before they even started making noise.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-11-24 19:03:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-11-24 18:46:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2008-11-24 17:58:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate indie kids. So... So much.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-24 17:24:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-11-24 16:50:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Trying to be quiet is a fun game, but sometimes people can't help it. That, or they just don't give a fuck. (Nobody cares if that pun was intended.)
---
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=puns
pointing out oyur 'pun' means you care.
Fail
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-11-24 17:21:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post has not helped me today. Now I have loud naughty girly sounds swimming around in my head.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-24 17:13:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:05:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
*blows off dust
*opens uber meme box
SKATE IT OFF!
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-11-24 16:50:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
LOL @ Yozz.
I can make up my mind. I think most adults have been subjected to the unsolicited sounds of others having sex.
Trying to be quiet is a fun game, but sometimes people can't help it. That, or they just don't give a fuck. (Nobody cares if that pun was intended.)
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-11-24 16:41:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't make up her mind, below.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-11-24 16:40:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
People fuck. That's just the way it is. Wasn't there some song that perhaps oh-so-poignantly pointed out that somewhere in the world SOMEONE is having sex at any given time of the day?
I'm too lazy to google it.
Yes...it makes people feel maybe equal parts jealous/angry/disgusted/uncomfortable but at the same time its just the way it fucking is.
Still...it's not too much to expect someone to use common courtesy/decency and be quiet about it. Do it in the shower, on a dresser, on the floor, the bathroom counter, kitchen table etc. Creativity is fun and exciting. Also, I've found that trying to be quiet as possible in an attempt to not get caught makes things quite interesting.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2008-11-24 16:32:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My dorm room consists of four separate bedrooms, a living room, multiple bathrooms, etc. We never lock the main door cause there's nothing in the living room.
One night the kid next to me was having loud sex. Not necessarily human noises, but squeaking bed and all that shit. The next morning I walk out of my room and notice a note on the door reading:
"You're in the honors college, you're smart, be more creative, don't use the bed."
Apparently it was so loud the kids beneath us came up into our room and left the note on the door.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-11-24 16:21:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-11-24 16:15:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sex noises don't particularly bother me if they're occasional, but I'm the guiltiest of all in that regard and I haven't had roommates in years. Good rant- I had one official non-college female roommate ever, and 8 years later, I could write that rant like it was yesterday.
===============
Noises are fun.
Submitted by pigpen2917 (user info) at 2008-11-24 16:20:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Sounds as if you have 2 options well maybe 3: 1) Get your own place
2) Get with your other roommates and kick her loud ass out.
3) Learn to live with it
I know its a bummer to have roomies that are not considerate to the others in the house but perhaps there are times where you are annoying to them also. But for all to work well you will have to have sit down meeting with everyone and lay out some ground rules. Normally "sex-sounds" are not on the agenda and may be a bit awkward to bring up but they must be addressed before you freak one night and go on a killing rampage. Any way you go about this will not be easy but for the sake of your sanity you better do it and do it quick. Good luck
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-11-24 16:15:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sex noises don't particularly bother me if they're occasional, but I'm the guiltiest of all in that regard and I haven't had roommates in years. Good rant- I had one official non-college female roommate ever, and 8 years later, I could write that rant like it was yesterday.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-11-24 15:58:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
When I had roommates I didn't care if they were loud. I just took it to mean I could be loud when necessary. Also, you ever try and tell a sheep to shut up? It doesn't work.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2008-11-24 15:18:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:07:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Dude, room'mates' suck.
Especially multiple ones. Sure its cheaper rent, but your sanity is SO much more important than saving a few hundred bucks.
Get your own place.
Scourge is right, below.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-11-24 15:15:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What EI? What is it I can do for you this time? How's the foot?
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-11-24 15:15:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-11-24 15:10:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Who doesn't flush the toilet? Fucking vile. Ugh.
-----
:(
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-11-24 15:10:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh BANJO!
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-11-24 15:10:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Who doesn't flush the toilet? Fucking vile. Ugh.
All of my boyfriend's roommates can hear us doing it, but they're boys and they like it. The only reason I know they like it is because they told me. All of them.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-11-24 15:08:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Poor girl hating on her just for having sex, being skinny, being indy and wearing skinny jeans...
Somebody isn't getting any!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:59:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
for once, i agree with Scourge
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:58:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
qe95bzvt93q 6pt91
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:54:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
At least they're not in the same room with you when you are trying to get some sleep on the floor. And at least he doesn't sleep-piss on your head, as far as I know. Okay, it was next to my head, but I received some of the splatter.
I used to have a cat that like to pee in my shoes.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:53:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-11-24 11:49:47 PST (#)
Ranking: 2
Should have hit her in the back of the head with an apple.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:49:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How's your car hunt going?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:40:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
actually i find just banging on the door and running away to be quite effective
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:38:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Start laughing loudly right outside her door.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:29:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
tape it and play it very loudly at an inappropriate moment. Or steal her mobile phone and make it her ansphone message.
It should help your rage. I am so intimate with the couple up stairs, I know when she's faking it. If I catch up with her on her own, I will threaten to tell him when this is if she doesn't pipe down.
My boyfriend doesn't live near by. I am jealous.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:26:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yikes.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:21:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:21:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
my friend thanks you.
once i tell him, i meant, he will be thankful for the info..
**runs away**
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:20:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My friend really appreciates this!
*prints out*
*grabs highlighter*
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:18:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
here is a website to help you out, fellows! the verdict comes back as: doggie style! to please all your bestial needs.
http://www.askmen.com/dating/love_tip_200/209_love_tip.html
also it says sensual biting is 'kinky' I did not know that qualified as kinky?
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:18:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:13:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
certainly not girl-on-top. or, uh, so a friend tells.
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Look, we are pretty well versed on what we CAN'T do. We want to know what we CAN do.
I don't mean 'we' as in 'me', though.
It's for a friend.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:17:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is this non-fiction?
also, i lol'd twice, once at "Consider that. Ever." and again at BALLARE ANGRY.
when haikumikoo and i were roomies he had the decency to make his woman STFU so i wouldn't have to hear that shit.
and i am eternally grateful to him for that.
thank you, haiku.
thank you.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:14:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
but what sex benefits a enormous penis
such as sico
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:14:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
rob, bees aren't naked! they have fuzzy bee-hair!
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:13:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
certainly not girl-on-top. or, uh, so a friend tells.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:13:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:08:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what position maximizes a small penis again?
it's not for me
It's for a friend.
seriously.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yeah, is there like a website you could get this info from? I, too, have a friend who could use this.
Seriously, it's not for me.
Seriously.
*shifty glance*
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:10:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yo answer fallens query,
I have a friend who wants to know too...
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:09:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Get yourself an .88 Magnum. They shoot through schools.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:08:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I AM GOING TO KILL HER WHILE SHE SLEEPS
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:08:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what position maximizes a small penis again?
it's not for me
It's for a friend.
seriously.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:07:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Catholic girls are the ultimate.
Trust old uncle Cyrus on this one.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:07:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Dude, room'mates' suck.
Especially multiple ones. Sure its cheaper rent, but your sanity is SO much more important than saving a few hundred bucks.
Get your own place.
...besides, there is something wonderfully cathartic about being able to walk around the house naked as a bee.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:05:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
*blows off dust
*opens uber meme box
SKATE IT OFF!
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:04:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow, this makes me never want to make a sex noise...
just kidding, I grunt like a gorilla.
BOO YAH.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:03:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
BALLARE ANGRY
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-11-24 14:03:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
So...um... how do you really feel?