A pervert talks to his buddy. (1920 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.76 on 57 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by pen_name (View user info) at 2008-11-26 17:35:21 EST
"I jerked off behind a Jiffy Lube."
"That's new."
"Yep."
"Were you out in the open?"
"Yeah. Cars were moving all about and someone stared at me while I did it."
"Did he jerk off too."
"No, it was a woman."
"Nice."
"That's what I thought."
"How did you react?"
"I kept jerking off."
"Nice. Did she do anything?"
"I think she called the police."
"The plot gets thicker"
"Thickens."
"Whatever. Maybe she was calling a friend to talk about how hot it was."
"She only dialed a few numbers."
"Maybe it was a preset."
"It was the police goddamn it."
"Did you run?"
"No I finished."
"Badass."
"Yep"
"And did she run or keep watching on the sly."
"On the sly?"
"Did she pretend to do something else, like read a magazine, while sneaking peaks at you?"
"No, she kind of watched me the whole time with the phone to her ear. I think she was describing me."
"Were you wearing your disguise—hat, sunglasses...."
"Yes...."
"Then you should be Ok."
"Well..."
"Well what?"
"I was jerking off on the hood of my car."
"You were aiming at the hood of the car?"
"No I was physically on the hood as I jerked off."
"Spread eagle, balls out? That's brazen."
"Uh huh. But I realized later that she might have gotten a look at my license plate."
"Seems reasonable."
"What should I do?"
"Deny it."
"I can't."
"Sure you can. Tell them it wasn't your car. Tell them they got the plate wrong."
"Well..."
"Well what?"
"It's complicated."
"Uncomplicate it."
"Right before I came I hopped off, pulled the parking brake, hopped back on, and ghost road my car by the entrance...all while masturbating"
"You're lying."
"I'm not. And 10 other people saw me. I'm sure someone else got the license plate too."
"Jesus. Was it worth it?"
"I guess."
"Was there music?"
"...no"
"You hesitated. There was wasn't there? Please tell me your stereo was playing something."
"Chumba Wumba's Tubthumping."
"No fucking way. Hahahaha"
"It's not funny"
"Fuck yeah it is. I love that song."
"It's pretty good I guess."
"When did that come out?"
"I don't know...early 90's?"
"...I get knocked down , but I get up again, you're never going to keep me down...I think I'm going to download that.
"Wonderful."
"Did Chumba Wumba have any other hits?"
"Fuck, I'm not finished."
"Sorry. What did you leave out? Did you have a dead hooker strapped to the roof? Were you shouting anti-Semitic slurs?"
"No, nothing like that. I was barking."
"What the hell is wrong with you?
"I wish I knew."
"What did it sound like?"
"Woof, woof, woof, woof."
"Did you stroke on the woofs or the break between woofs?"
"Why is that important?"
"Fuck, man...."
"On the woofs"
"Beginners mistake. Did you shimmy?"
"What the hell does that mean?"
"That song has a good beat. I was curious if you were shrugging your shoulders or swaying your head to the beat."
"I guess I was swaying my head a little."
"When was this anyway?"
"20 minutes ago."
"Fuck. You're going to get arrested."
"What should I do?"
"Well, the only advice I really had was to tell you to jerk between woofs.
"That's helpful."
"OK, OK. I got an idea."
"What?"
"Drive back to the Jiffy Lube, park your car, then report it in as stolen. After that, steal a different car and ghost ride again. They won't be able to pin it on you. They'll have to assume it is a serial masturbator.
"That might work."
"Sure it will."
"Wait, nevermind it won't work?"
"Why not?"
"I forgot, but in the heat of my orgasm I shouted my name."
"That's a pretty big piece to leave out. What did you say exactly?"
"Darko is the ultimate masturbator."
"Geeze, Darko, you might have gone to far to come back from this.
"I know, pen_name. I know."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fm4iU0yx9GY
User Reviews
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-12-01 22:03:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was moderately enjoyable. Thank you.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-12-01 21:49:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't remember this conversation
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-11-30 11:22:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's so many shades of awesome that I can't count that high.
Also, the best musical videos to ever hit the earth:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=xp9Gm-aRe5A
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=49jKeGyUCJE&NR=1
Have a great Sunday.
Submitted by Rob23 (user info) at 2008-11-30 10:32:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That poor car...
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-11-29 20:53:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, well you're absolutely wrong. You must be drunk. Rate again tomorrow when you are sober.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-11-29 20:43:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-11-29 20:21:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-11-29 19:27:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I guess it's my fault for being able to read.
-----------------
What did the negative 2 stand for?
Was it: "[Sorry for my negative rating...] I guess it's my fault for being able to read."
Or was it...
"[I can't believe these dumb motherfuckers could get to the end of this and give a positive rating...] I guess it's my fault for being able to read.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-11-29 20:21:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-11-29 19:27:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I guess it's my fault for being able to read.
-----------------
What did the negative 2 stand for?
Was it: "[Sorry for my negative rating...] I guess it's my fault for being able to read."
Or was it...
"[I can't believe these dumb motherfuckers could get to the end of this and give a positive rating...] I guess it's my fault for being able to read.
Or, how about...
"[I dropped my reading glasses on the mouse, the result of which accidentally caused the rating to scroll to negative 2. If I couldn't read, I wouldn't have needed the glasses and such a grave accident might not have occurred. Alas...] I guess it's my fault for being able to read."
The first one is my favorite because it's one part apology and one part insult. It's like you're lifting me up while striking me back down. The second one is just too harsh--for both me and everyone else. And the third one contains a major flaw...like why you couldn't just readjust the rating instead of typing out such a long-winded explanation.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-11-29 19:27:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I guess it's my fault for being able to read.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-11-29 18:50:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2008-11-29 15:52:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked this.
i also really like that sweatshirt
can i have it?
------
Have a one night stand with Darko, then wear it home over your beer-stained, torn blouse.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2008-11-29 15:52:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked this.
i also really like that sweatshirt
can i have it?
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-11-29 15:23:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-11-28 11:24:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-11-28 08:56:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic Uber.
Submitted by Plus2 (user info) at 2008-11-28 04:45:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-11-28 01:03:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh, i now who baking lady is, i just haven't seen the account used in a long time.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-11-28 00:50:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
baking_Lady is awesome.
I'd say the same thing about Rad, but that seems redundant.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-11-28 00:00:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
baking_Lady?
Submitted by baking_Lady (user info) at 2008-11-27 22:35:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pen name is aweseome too
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-11-27 22:35:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
darko is awesome
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-11-27 22:31:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that song is awesome
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-11-27 22:08:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.alzmedia.com/flash/view/yourallgay
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-11-27 17:34:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lol funny homos
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-11-27 16:39:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-11-27 15:46:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaa
Submitted by theshadypeach (user info) at 2008-11-27 12:22:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty funny actually. I can imagine this as a script for a scene in a comedy.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-11-27 11:29:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B @ MOTHERFUCKING W
WIN yo, WIN.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-11-27 09:53:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BigBuffty (user info) at 2008-11-27 07:11:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i'm sure there must be alot of rimming and ball sucking when the pair of you meet. i just don't want to know about it you fag.
-----------------------------
Let's go outside and settle this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQ-79O3kPjA
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-11-27 09:03:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sweet lord.....
Thank you
*tears of joy*
Submitted by BigBuffty (user info) at 2008-11-27 07:11:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i'm sure there must be alot of rimming and ball sucking when the pair of you meet. i just don't want to know about it you fag.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2008-11-27 02:31:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2008-11-26 23:13:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W.
This is fucking hillarious.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2008-11-26 22:45:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I AM CHOKING ON DRY BEEF-FLAVORED RAMEN
MY EYES ARE WATERING
SAVE ME
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2008-11-26 22:32:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@-fucking-W
Submitted by Sassmasterr (user info) at 2008-11-26 22:00:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2008-11-26 20:10:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well deserving of me logging into this account to rate
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-11-26 21:52:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Homer: Ooh, look at this one! The Hammer of Thor! (Reading) "It
will send your pins to ... Valhalla?" Lisa?
Lisa: Valhalla is where vikings go when they die.
Homer: Ooh, that's some ball.
The Telltale Head
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-11-26 21:07:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
I just masurbated.
It wasn't on my car.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-11-26 20:59:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-11-26 20:56:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-11-26 20:35:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-11-26 20:01:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking love you.
--------------
Fucking A you do.
*elaborate handshake where we clasp fists, chest bump, and half-hug with our free arms*
http://int3.sling.com/video/show/10555/73/Cramer-Awkward-Hug
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-11-26 20:24:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I smell an old and very bitter pedo several reviews below.
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2008-11-26 20:11:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So when I log in as blueboy is it the equivalent to me taking viagra?
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2008-11-26 20:10:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well deserving of me logging into this account to rate
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-26 20:04:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
impotent below
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-11-26 20:01:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking love you.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-26 19:38:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-11-26 19:12:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Nice.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2008-11-26 19:06:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
True story.
Submitted by therealgeddylee (user info) at 2008-11-26 19:00:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Completely amazing. I was laughing the entire time. The 'woof' bit almost made me piss myself.
Submitted by dangerdude (user info) at 2008-11-26 18:26:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
genius.
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2008-11-26 18:18:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2008-11-26 18:12:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
meh
Submitted by mles76 (user info) at 2008-11-26 18:11:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
engaging
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-11-26 18:06:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-26 18:04:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahaha
Submitted by FilledwithHate (user info) at 2008-11-26 18:01:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tales of this sort make a slow day at work pure gold.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-11-26 17:44:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ok then
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-11-26 17:36:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm obviously obsessed with emos