Happy Thanksgiving, You Heathen Bastards! (I think I need a hug) (681 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.3 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SilvrWolf (View user info) at 2008-11-27 01:44:42 EST
Soon, in a great many homes across this land, there will be much grazing on traditional and contemporary fare. Libations will be consumed and there will be joy and merriment echoing throughout.
Many will gorge themselves on assorted meats and veggies and desserts. Dishes oft forgotten about for the rest of the year make their grand appearances on this day. Cranberries and pecan pies, baked apples and YAMS! You see, yams, while I'd rather try to fuck a wounded, rabid wolverine than eat a "sweet potato", are a necessary item on this day. I don't know who decided to pull one of those things out of the ground and eat it, but I commend his or her pioneering spirit. I'll probably be forced to eat them again shortly after Armageddon. All I'm trying to say is: Yams, I respect you.
There will be families coming together, many of them from great distances. Laughter and harmony will be heard on every street. And so will bickering, back-biting, brawls and bad blood. Drunken fights and screaming spouses. It's a pity that so many families only get together on the holidays. But then again, when you get those people together at this time of year and see how they act, you're actually thankful that you don't see them that often. So just for one holiday, try to put away the grudges and ill will. When they start some shit with you (and you KNOW they will), give them a hug and tell them you love them. You can curse my bleeding heart, altruistic ass while you do it, too; just so long as you do it. Still, if you insist on fighting, dear children, GO FOR THE GROIN! It's a weak spot and remember, there are no referees in a street[back/front yard] fight. Besides, someone will break it up or turn the hose on you anyway.
Sadly, there will be those who have nothing for this holiday. There will be no family coming to see them. There will be no feast to feed their children. Some are there by choice and some are there by circumstance. It really doesn't matter, though. Try to think of them at least once today and be thankful for them too. Who else is gonna wear my New Balance running shoe form 1992 to which I lost the mate? You? I think not. Some homeless guy, that's who. Anyhow, I try to give back to them more than usual at this time of year. I do the grilling at Big O's Non-Denominational Roadside Revival Shack and Road Kill Roasters. Not only do we clean up the roads AND feed the needy, all proceeds from our sponsors (Lancaster, Lucky Strike, Steel Reserve, Slim Jim and Pier One) go to a worthy cause. No, not me, you condescending assholes. They go to bumfights.com, of course. Oh, I've gotten off course here. The point is: needy people are people too. I think that's mypoint.
So, hork another piece of ham, you fatass, and swill another beer. Watch a game on the tube and pass out from an L-Tryptophan overdose. Chuck an empty at your wife and tell her the chocolate pie tasted like she crapped in it (because she did, you unemployed, alcoholic, pill-snorting son of a bitch!). Secretly make fun of the weight your relatives have gained while conveniently omitting that you've gained ten or twenty yourself. Get along... fight... love... live... Just enjoy the precious time that you have.
At some point today, stop what you're doing, and just say thank you. It doesn't matter to whom you say it. You don't have to say it to anyone. Just think about what we have as a human race. Think about the things we can enjoy and experience that no other animal on this planet can. We all have something, so just say it.
It's easy; I'll go first:
Thank you.
If nothing else, be thankful that you're not this guy:
User Reviews
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2008-11-28 00:25:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's funny you should mention that. It happened again just about a week ago. In her defense, we had been doing zee anal earlier in the night. It's not at all as cool as it seems, but it washes off easily enough.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-11-27 23:58:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
i'm thankful that you told that story about literally fucking the shit out of a woman, because every time i see your username i rememebr it and have a hell of a laugh.
thank you, sir.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2008-11-27 22:14:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
(hug)
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2008-11-27 14:56:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Sweet potato fries are delicious. I recommend them as an alternative to regular old yams this Thanksgiving.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-11-27 12:19:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-11-27 10:27:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I rotissed turkey
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Well, that's the first time I've heard that verb- sweet.
Happy thanksgiving, my preciouseseses.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2008-11-27 11:44:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BigBuffty (user info) at 2008-11-27 06:56:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
seems to me you should spend a bit less time getting your ass filled with black man lovejuice
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You know of a better place to store it?
Seems to me you should spend a bit MORE time coming up with cyber-insults. That old racist homophobe schtick is SOOOOOO 1990's.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-11-27 10:27:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Nobody's coming to my house for dinner tonight. My sisters, one sister's husband, and my mom came down to FL last week when the airfares were low, frugal bunch that we are. I rotissed turkey and smoked some baby back ribs, and a splendid time was had by all.
Nobody's coming to my house for dinner tonight. I am thankful for that.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2008-11-27 08:53:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm thankful for many things.
Many... strange things.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-11-27 08:45:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i must look up what Thanksgiving is actually about
Submitted by BigBuffty (user info) at 2008-11-27 06:56:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
seems to me you should spend a bit less time getting your ass filled with black man lovejuice
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-11-27 04:39:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
It's just another day, so no free pass for you on the other 364.
Submitted by TheBrad (user info) at 2008-11-27 03:41:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
meh... hug it out bitch.