Don't Make it Sound so Awful (1367 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.79 on 56 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by QuinnTheEskimo (View user info) at 2008-12-03 09:04:02 EST
It wasn't hard to smuggle the cookies into the airport. The woman at the check-in counter was helpful and kind, and the fat men running the security checkpoint seemed dull and listless. When I picked up my back pack after it rolled through the x-ray machine, I smiled. People always complained about how hard it was to get drugs into an airport.
I ate the cookies sitting in my terminal while I waited for my flight. I pretended to read a book I had brought, but instead, scoped out the passengers that would be flying with me. There were a few men in polo shirts, sitting together and talking. I imagined they were talking about golf. Across from me two women were trading old boyfriend stories, each one crazier than the last.
I had made these cookies last night and they were still moist and delicious. I loved the way the cinnamon and sugar sprinkled over the top mingled with the vague taste of marijuana. Flying had always scared me, and when I told my dealer I was going on a plane, he reccomeneded cookies.
"Cookies?" I asked.
"Yeah, man. Get recipes and shit from Google. Just like, make them. Put enough weed in them and they'll knock your ass out. I take them when I fly. Plus, if you see a drug dog, just eat those fuckers and what the fuck are they gonna do, you know?"
"Yeah." I said. He raised a good point.
A woman's voice came in on the loud speaker. Our plane was nearly empty, so after the cripples and the old ladies, everyone was going to board at once.
When I had found my seat I threw my backpack into the overhead compartment and sat down. The cookies hadn't kicked in yet, but I wasn't in a rush. The two woman from the terminal sat down next to me. Their conversation had moved from old boyfriends to stories about their children. I tuned them out for the moment and closed my eyes, and fell asleep.
*
The plane lurched. I opened my eyes. We were still on the ground, taxing away from the gate. A pretty stewardess was giving us instructions on how to use our seat cushions as floation devices. I closed my eyes again, and my thoughts began to wander.
I remembered the house I grew up in. I remembered the big white gate that sat across our driveway. It's hadn't been white when we moved in. Dad painted it. My mother and I had gone with him to Home Depot to buy paint. Home Depot was across town, we had to use the freeway to get there. On the way, we saw an accident. Although the cars had been cleared from the road, traffic was still backed-up as people slowed down to get a look at the crash.
"Fucking looky loos." Dad would mutter. "Who wants to see a dead body?" He asked himself. My mom put a hand on his thigh.
"Mom," I asked "What's dying like?"
Before Mom could answer, Dad spoke up. "Everyone dies alone. That is whay dying is like. Lonely."
*
The plane lurched. I didn't open my eyes. "We must still be taxing." I thought. Then an intercom dinged.
"This is your captain speaking, we're going to hit a little bit of turbulence soon, so I've turned on the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign. Thank you."
The woman in the aisle seat said to her friend, "Buckle up, Jo."
I sat up. I was still high from the cookies. I smiled. I looked at the women sitting next to me. The stewardess took two empty beer cans from in front of them and layed down two more.
"Keep 'em comin'!" Jo said, laughing.
"Can do." The stewardess smiled, showing her teeth, and walked down the aisle.
"You ladies really know how to enjoy a plane." I said.
"Well, we're not good fliers." Jo explained. "This helps." She held up the beer.
"Yeah." I said. "I ate some magic cookies before the flight and I feel groovy." I stretched out the word groovy so it lasted a few seconds.
Jo turned to her friend, and asked "What the hell is he talking about?"
She answered, "I think he means that he is high on illegal drugs."
"Jeeze," I said, "don't make it sound so awful. It's only weed." But I could tell I had alienated them. I looked out the window.
I had a great view of the wing. I loved looking at airplane wings when I flew. It prevented the sick vertigo feeling from overwhelming me, and, stoned as I was, I liked watching the wing flaps move up and down.
My eyes were narrow and squinty, my head slowly dropped against the glass. My eyes closed.
*
And something woke me up. I looked out the window and instead of seeing the horizon over the wing tip, I was looking straight down at the earth. I rubbed my eyes and shook my head, trying to clear away cobwebs and rememeber where I was.
Flying. Plane. Cookies. Jo. Everything came back to me. We were simply making a sharp bank. That's why I could see the ground instead of sky outside of my window.
And the stewardess ran past the woman and myself, to the front of the plane. I looked at Jo's friend, who was leaning into the aisle, squinting towards the front of the plane, her beer still in mid-sip.
"What's going on, Mary?" Jo asked.
"Yeah, what's going on?" I asked them both. I was begining to feel panic creep into me.
"Something happened in the cockpit." Mary said into her beer, but I could barely hear her over the sudden commotion near the front of the plane.
"Everyone calm down!" A man's voice called. "Everyone calm down and sit down!" He shouted.
"Fuck." I thought. "The one time I need to fight terrorists on a plane is the one time I fly stoned." I shook my head again, trying to clear my thoughts.
People were walking back to their seats, gripping tightly onto whatever they could to stand upright in the plane. The shouting man stayed near the cockpit. He wasn't the pilot. It took me a moment to recognize him as one of the polo shirt men from the terminal.
"Everyone stay calm." He said. His arms were raised palm out above his head, making him look like the letter Y. "I don't what to say to everyone. I've never had to do anything like this before." He took a deep breath. "The pilot has killed himself."
The few people that were on the plane seemed to explode. Voices shouted over voices. "What are we going to do?" "What about the co-pilot?" "Does anyone know how to fly a plane?" People began taking out their cell phones and making calls. Someone was crying.
"Quiet!" The man in the polo shirt shouted again. "I need to know if anyone has experience flying a plane?"
And the voices, even the whispers in the far back of the plane, died. The man in the polo shirt nodded his head, as if he expected this. The stewardess was with him and they both disappeared into the cock pit. A moment later the stewardess appeared again.
"We are currently recieving radio instructions from a nearby airport. We are going to make an emergency landing, but everything will be alright!" She stressed that last part. "First, however, we need someone te help move the pilot's body.
Everyone looked at the other men in polo shirts, as if they were an elite team of dead pilot movers. None of them made a move.
"I'll help." I said. Mary and Jo looked at me nervously, but they stood up and let me move to the front of the plane. I stepped into the cramped cock pit with the man in the polo shirt. There was blood on much of the foward instrument panel. The man in the polo shirt had a bloody headset on and was speaking with the nearby airport as he leaned over the corpse of the pilot. He didn't sound confident.
"Wait, what do the pedals do again? They change my what? Wait, I thought these handle things made me turn." I heard him say.
I touched his shoulder. We made eye contact for a moment, then both of us looked at the pilot. His attention went back to the control panel. "Wait, what?" He said. "We're almost sideways, how to I fix that?" He listened for a moment. "Okay." He said, and took off the headphones.
"Help me." The man in the polo shirt said.
The pilot's hands were limp at his side, his legs stretched out close to the pedals. I unbuckled the seat belt, and reached under the dead man's arms to lift him from the chair. The man in the polo shirt bent over awkwardly and made a reach for one of the pilot's legs.
And the plane hit turbulence.
The man in the polo shirt lost his balance, rolling down the dead man's legs in a sort of twist, and jammed one of the pedals. The plane leaned further. At the same time, I dropped the pilot's arms, and my head jerked as the plane shook. My face rubbed against the pilot's open skull, and I screamed, leaping backward without looking. I knocked over the stewardess, who also screamed.
There was a moment of calm. Well, I can't say things were calm, but everyone was quiet. The plane was banking further and further. The fuselage moaned. The stewardess that I had knocked over looked around with abject horror.
The plane jolted again, and everything became chaotic. My stomach seemed to be heavy and sick, like I had eaten rocks. I felt lighter, somehow. It felt difficult to touch the floor. People were screaming. I clawed at a chair, trying to stand up, but I couldn't get my feet beneath me. I crawled on the floor to the nearest window and looked.
Had the ground been that close a minute ago? I let myself slide back onto the floor. Everyone was still screaming. Why were they screaming like that? It wasn't going to help us now.
I was decided to try to sit, buckle my seat belt, and breath in oxygen. I remembered from some movie that oxygen got you high, that it made you feel peacful. I didn't want to die in a panic. I didn't want to die scared. I tried to climb into a seat, my eyes closed and my teeth clenched, but the plane bounced again, sending me sprawling.
I landed next to the stewardess. Her face was cut and bleeding. She was the single most terrified person I had ever laid eyes on. She reached out her hand and grabbed tightly onto my coat. I reached out and grabbed her blazer, pulling her body close to mine.
We wrapped our arms around each other, two strangers sharing a pure emotion. If I hadn't died a few seconds later, it might have almost seemed romantic.
I guess dad was wrong.
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-04-27 17:31:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fey be best one first fan!
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-12-13 18:08:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Belated hello, Yozz.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2008-12-07 11:27:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Plus2 (user info) at 2008-12-07 01:21:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice, especially this:
"Everyone looked at the other men in polo shirts, as if they were an elite team of dead pilot movers. "
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2008-12-05 18:49:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah *leans back*
The faint whiff of ass-crack sweat that comes with a good story on Über.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-12-05 11:53:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-12-04 15:22:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Look at the big grammar-brain on Fey. Hi Fey.
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v
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-12-04 14:17:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You have done better. This was disjointed and while I know that minor errors is a petty thing to pick on, when you leave words in that should be erased you boot me out of the narrative and I have to work to get back in. You appeared to not be sure what tone you were going for, so it lacked cohesion, but I like that you write and many times what you write, so plus two for you.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2008-12-04 03:45:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work
Submitted by Lambchop (user info) at 2008-12-04 03:08:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by cyberpenguin (user info) at 2008-12-04 01:49:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-12-04 00:44:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-12-04 00:31:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PerkMan (user info) at 2008-12-04 00:23:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome! I fly on planes all the time and I have had some pretty scarey experiences. haha this took me back. This was fantastic!
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2008-12-03 23:23:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-12-03 23:14:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-12-03 06:26:29 PST (#)
Ranking: 2
Logged in just to rate and label.
Fantastic work.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2008-12-03 22:09:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i haven't gotten this many reviews in a while. here is a meaningless +2 for everyone that participated!
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-12-03 20:34:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good. And "cock pit," instead of "cockpit" made me smile, because I'm a moron.
Submitted by therealgeddylee (user info) at 2008-12-03 18:15:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent, my friend.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2008-12-03 17:48:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2008-12-03 17:38:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<3
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2008-12-03 17:36:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-12-03 17:26:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA Good read Thanks!
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-12-03 16:51:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Finding this post is like finding a 25 carat diamond while you are hip deep in sewage.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-12-03 16:48:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
But when quinn the eskimo gets here all the pigeons gonna run to him. Come all without, come all within, You'll not see nothing like the mighty quinn.
SEE???
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2008-12-03 16:25:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-12-03 16:12:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-12-03 15:51:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, I'll tell you tomorrow, before movie night.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-12-03 15:50:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this very much, although if I were the pilot I would have just flown into a mountain or something. How many people get to commit suicide with a mountain?
Not many.
I'll tell you my true crazy landing story that happened when we got back Sunday.
It was crazy.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-12-03 15:28:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-12-03 14:41:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Merlina FTW.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2008-12-03 14:21:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BigBuffty (user info) at 2008-12-03 11:50:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
this story was so gay i'm going to have to watch lesbian porn for a whole hour just to get over it. go be an emo somewhere else you fag, and lick your dad's balls while you at it.
~~
jealous eejit
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-12-03 14:05:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good post.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-12-03 14:00:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent story.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-12-03 12:55:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
NOT BAD, BUT IT NEVER REALLY HOOKED ME EITHER.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-12-03 12:46:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BigBuffty (user info) at 2008-12-03 11:50:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
this story was so gay i'm going to have to watch lesbian porn for a whole hour just to get over it. go be an emo somewhere else you fag, and lick your dad's balls while you at it.
Submitted by AshyLarry (user info) at 2008-12-03 11:48:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?"
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2008-12-03 11:41:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I saw the ending coming a mile away.
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2008-12-03 11:39:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty good, but seemed rushed in the end. I guess that would go well with the chaotic events taking place.
Submitted by RestrictionsApply (user info) at 2008-12-03 11:30:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
!
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2008-12-03 11:14:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more reviews. Please accept my humble +2
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2008-12-03 10:26:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Finally, something on this site worth reading.
Better than the useless drivel that "nitty" guy spews.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2008-12-03 10:24:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2008-12-03 10:12:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read it.
Submitted by oam (user info) at 2008-12-03 10:01:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fantastic
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-12-03 10:00:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality, with a silent 't'.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2008-12-03 09:52:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-12-03 09:52:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah, good stuff.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-12-03 09:37:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-12-03 09:26:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Logged in just to rate and label.
Fantastic work.
Submitted by CarterPFly (user info) at 2008-12-03 09:25:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was the best stoner story Ive read on uber.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2008-12-03 09:22:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-12-03 09:19:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cowman/eskimo, i love you.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2008-12-03 09:16:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks!
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-12-03 09:09:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent