Uber showdown: Jack McCullum vs. THE RAPER (532 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: -1.27 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (View user info) at 2008-12-03 20:40:46 EST
Welp fellow Uberians, I did it: I tracked down that JERK The_Raper and gave him a piece of my mind. Here's how it went down:
I hired a skilled internet detective to analyze his writing style. The detective determined that based on his posting style (which he said was the best he'd ever seen) he lived in Andorra. I spent my life savings on a one-way plane ticket to this tiny country - I would need a loan from mommy for a two-way, and there's no way she'd give me MORE money to carry out internet vigilante justice. I'd just have to stow away on a flight back to America when I was done with this asshole.
Anyway, I hopped off the plane and ran up to the first local I saw. "Where's The Raper?! I'm going to teach him a lesson!" After he finished laughing in my face he told me where to find him: the presidential palace! After I finished shitting my pants I ran up to the gate and demanded to be let in. The guard was smoking crack and buzzed me in without even looking up. Alright, I thought, things are finally going my way!
Then I kicked open the door and there he was in all his glory. I use the word "glory" because the man was wearing nothing but a black armband (to mourn the loss of five of his skin cells, each of which he valued more than a hundred human lives) and I could see his cock, all nine yards of it. I wanted it to rip me apart, but I held fast to my tough guy convictions.
I tried to scream "Hey, The Raper!" in a really hardcore way, but my voice cracked and he instantly laughed at my patheticness. Then he punched me in the face and flipped me over. Then - agony and extacy. He tore into my asshole with his megacock. My hips were shattered and my ass muscle ripped to shreds. He took out a razor blade and started slicing strips of skin from my back. The pain was so intense I tried to shit myself, but his cock pushed my feeble turds back into my body and out of my mouth. I had always been afraid to taste my own shit, but I loved it! After that, I could feel The Raper's head swelling up (how could I not, it was the size of a bowling ball!). Becore I could scream, he shot a load of jizz that shot through my whole body cavity. It was as if I'd been shot! The Lord - er, The Raper, spit on my face and told me I was human garbage. I instantly accepted this as truth and was grateful when he sterilized me with a knife.
After that I crawled out of his country and started living in Spain as a pathetic no-dicked bum, which is how I've been living my "life" since then.
User Reviews
Submitted by langstrom (user info) at 2008-12-04 17:16:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this was hilarious especially the part when he "tore into your asshole with his megacock"
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2008-12-04 03:41:03 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
ATTN GHEY MENZ
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2008-12-04 03:33:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
huh?
Submitted by The_Raper (user info) at 2008-12-04 02:33:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, way to waste your time looking up users so you can get me banned. What happened to going to sleep?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-12-04 02:30:06 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
This is how stupid you are, assbreath:
Everything you ever wanted to know about Jack_McCallum
User id: 11326
Registered on or around: 2004-08-16 18:09:01 EDT
# Messages posted: 885
# Reviews written: 13909
# Times these posts have been reviewed: 37964
# Hits: 939996
Average rating of all messages: 1.04
Submitted by The_Raper (user info) at 2008-12-04 02:25:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There's nobody on this site with the name "Jack_McCallum". Try again, QUEERMO.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-12-04 02:07:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Posting under another's name should get you banned, asshole. Where's Bart when we need him?????
Submitted by DaBeast (user info) at 2008-12-03 22:48:54 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I've never EVER seen a more touching declaration. It made me weep! It made me vomit! It made me wonder why the anonymous asshole that posted this so very, very badly wants to BE Jack and is so very, very jealous of him. Dude, he lives in Fag Central surrounded by a gazillion pussies. You should aim higher.
Submitted by The_Raper (user info) at 2008-12-03 22:35:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Shlongy, you still posting those horrible posts that wouldn't get comments if anyone other than you wrote them? Why don't you take that shit to Livejournal?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-12-03 22:18:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
We finally found the guy that writes worse than Jack.
CONGRATULATIONS!
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2008-12-03 22:01:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
oooooo
project for later when i'm bored.
I'll sniff around before I accuse you of just being Method anyway!
:D
Ok my show is on...have fun, trick!
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-12-03 22:01:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-12-03 22:00:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_Raper (user info) at 2008-12-03 21:40:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Who is Simon? I'm just a serious author who is "writing what I know". I've already published a dozen books, but it never hurts to practice a little.
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What books would those be, Simon? "Pimp your double-wide"? "Coping with herpes"? "How to suck at life"?
Submitted by The_Raper (user info) at 2008-12-03 21:59:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a secret. :)
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-12-03 21:59:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
And intoxicated.
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-12-03 21:58:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hay, I'm here.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2008-12-03 21:58:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
who were you years ago?
answer fast...
3 minutes to Top Chef
Submitted by The_Raper (user info) at 2008-12-03 21:56:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2008-12-03 21:49:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
hey raperist..we are the only ones on the site..
that's pathetic...we're pathetic..
I'm off to watch Top Chef
tootles
------------------
I used to post on Ubersite years ago and I remember when posts would stay on the front page for five hours at most. Now posts are up there for DAYS unless you go against the groupthink on this site and post an awesome thread like mine.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2008-12-03 21:49:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
hey raperist..we are the only ones on the site..
that's pathetic...we're pathetic..
I'm off to watch Top Chef
tootles
FAG
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2008-12-03 21:47:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah...
hehehehehe
go fuck your mother!
Submitted by The_Raper (user info) at 2008-12-03 21:40:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2008-12-03 21:28:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This advice was for Jack..
Fucking imposter.
--
hehehehe
Submitted by The_Raper (user info) at 2008-12-03 21:40:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Who is Simon? I'm just a serious author who is "writing what I know". I've already published a dozen books, but it never hurts to practice a little.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-12-03 21:31:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Note that the fag says that after fellating his account with his horsefaced peroxide bimbette alter. Proving that fags are only a stone's throw from being crossdressers.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2008-12-03 21:28:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This advice was for Jack..
Fucking imposter.
May it be painful and sticky before your organs get fully consumed!
meow.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-12-03 21:26:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
the fag says: "NURRR! ME NO RAPER! ME SIMON! ME PUNK YOUZ ALL!! LOLLZ!"
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2008-12-03 21:25:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just lure him into your place with porn.
Then slip him a roofie.
Coat him in honey and catnip that is incredibly hard to get off of his skin.
Let the kitties do the work for you.
Two cats can pick the flesh and bones of an average human male in three hours FLAT!!!
Trust me this will work!
How do you think my ex-boyfriends got onto the milk cartons?
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-12-03 21:20:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
the cow says "moo"
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-12-03 21:20:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by The_Raper (user info) at 2008-12-03 21:13:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-12-03 20:50:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Dead giveaway.
-----
Yeah, your post IS a dead giveaway. It tells us all that you're addicted to having needles jammed in your cock and balls, you fag.
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See how my -2 counts but your +2 doesn't? That means you're the fag.
Submitted by The_Raper (user info) at 2008-12-03 21:13:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-12-03 20:50:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Dead giveaway.
-----
Yeah, your post IS a dead giveaway. It tells us all that you're addicted to having needles jammed in your cock and balls, you fag.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-12-03 20:50:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Dead giveaway.
Submitted by The_Raper (user info) at 2008-12-03 20:49:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I meant to write "McCullum" but I was too busy pondering cosmic questions that you retards are too feeble-minded to understand to spell one idiot's name right.
Submitted by The_Raper (user info) at 2008-12-03 20:45:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know I was supposed to keep this a secret, but "Jack McCallum" is actually a pseudonym for Jack McCallum.