Retirement Post (1418 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.84 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by darko (View user info) at 2008-12-07 01:19:20 EST
This is a sad day for me, but I know that it's time. I am officially announcing the retirement of my green New Balance track pants from my daily wardrobe. While this is a sad occasion, this is a time to celebrate the great service these pants have given me.
The track pants first came into my life as a track suit in the summer of 02 as a gift from my mother who thought that I needed more clothes that resembled my school colors as I went off to college. This thinking on her part has also lead to me owning a Michigan State chandelier, two Michigan State rugs, a Michigan State welcome mat, each of a baseball, football, hockey, and basketball jersey, a Michigan State golf bag, and countless other knick knacks. Yet with all of these ridiculously priced items, it was the track pants that only vaguely resembled the correct colors which saw the most use.
Things weren't always so good between me and my pants however. Often while at college there would be periods of time where I would become so self absorbed with my various attempts to impress girls and get laid that the pants would be relegated to only being worn on laundry day, which meant once every 2 months. My pants served me faithfully though, using its cotton and polyester lining to provide relief to my nether regions when I was out of clean underwear.
The most recent performance of my pants though has been the stuff of legend. Late Monday night after a bath I discovered I was out of pajamas and my robe had been left over at my girlfriend's house. My pants sat on top of my laundry basket of clean clothes (because dirty clothes obviously go on the floor), and until just a few hours ago they were the only pants I've worn since, all while freeballing as well. Some relevant stats to put this Cal Ripken like stretch into perspective:
117.5 hours: I was either wearing the pants, or being completely pantsless.
8: different shirts I went through during this same time period (hoodies included).
4: different pairs of shoes
5: showers taken during this time period, including my initial shower
3: times I've shaved
0: skidmarks on pants
8: times I had sex, at least once each day
0: mention of the pants by my girlfriend or roommate
The streak came to an end when I went out for sushi Saturday night and felt the need to dress somewhat appropriately. While some would suggest I continue to wear the pants at least once each day until the sex streak ends, I know that would be cheapening the tremendous effort my pants put forth during this time period. And as recognition of such effort, it is time for me to retire my wonderful pants, with them going out on top. Though my pants have left open the possibility of having a Brett Favre-like comeback, assuredly no such return will occur until at least well into the new year.
Thank you pants for all of your wonderful years of service, you are truly appreciated.
User Reviews
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-03-29 11:36:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gay that your ratings still don't count.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2009-03-23 02:56:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-03-24 02:48:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
but they can't make free throws
Submitted by Registered_S_O (user info) at 2008-03-24 02:15:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy Easter
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2008-03-24 01:16:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have memphis winning the title
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Eerie, how incredible my prediction was. I have them winning the title this year.
They are much better with their free throws.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-12-09 13:02:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pah! Lightweight! I own 2 (TWO) pair of jeans. They are the only 2 pair of pants I wear, ever. If I'm not wearing one of the 2 (TWO) pair of pants I own, I'm bottomless.
The lesson here is never visit me on laundry day unless you like seeing cock, because I freeball all year round.
Submitted by cat_head (user info) at 2008-12-08 21:00:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I sense this is a rash decision. I would advise keeping this garment in circulation, if only in an indoor capacity.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-12-08 15:29:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pants.
Fine word.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-12-08 15:28:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"My pants sat on top of my laundry basket of clean clothes (because dirty clothes obviously go on the floor)"
So true. I don't know why the wife has such a hard time grasping this concept.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-12-08 11:33:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-12-08 07:31:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Somewhat similar but with more wear/tear and bodily harm, and possibly a skidmark.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/117159
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2008-12-08 07:23:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Suprisingly similar: http://www.ubersite.com/m/81812
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-12-07 21:03:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2008-12-07 21:01:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lo siento.
I feel your pain, I know just what you mean. Some articles of clothing have served so long and so faithfully that when they finally disintegrate or have to go you feel a sense of loss.
Does this ever happen to women or this strictly a guy thing?
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Not just a guy thing. My wife was in tears when she spilled paint on her silk blouse and it would not wash out.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2008-12-07 21:01:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Lo siento.
I feel your pain, I know just what you mean. Some articles of clothing have served so long and so faithfully that when they finally disintegrate or have to go you feel a sense of loss.
Does this ever happen to women or this strictly a guy thing?
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2008-12-07 20:41:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
They're awfully shiny but old faithful pants are old faithful pants... I have my rugby trackies and I love them. Ultimate slouch gear, in fact, I'm wearing them at the moment. Wouldn't part with them for the world!
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2008-12-07 19:36:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sir, your pants are to be commended for such service.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-12-07 17:12:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
are you wearing tights?
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-12-07 17:07:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bravo!
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-12-07 16:20:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sansu?
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2008-12-07 16:08:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 darkopants
I dread the day I have to retire my ten dollar Old Navy gray JLos (velour).
Submitted by The_Raper (user info) at 2008-12-07 16:00:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
boring!
Submitted by Plus2 (user info) at 2008-12-07 14:09:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel you man. I have this white skintight shirt that I must have run 2000 miles with over the past 7 years.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-12-07 13:14:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-12-07 13:11:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-12-07 10:26:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2008-12-07 08:49:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
0: skidmarks on pants
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BS
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2008-12-07 08:13:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're not wearing green swishies right unless you also have a tight wife beater and a gold chain down to your crotch. I've seen many examples of this on BET.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2008-12-07 05:04:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope you got him a proper retirement.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2008-12-07 04:45:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-12-07 03:41:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-12-07 03:41:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you had sex?
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-12-07 02:54:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2008-12-07 02:53:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FAG!
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Herpes came back.
Herpes always comes back.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2008-12-07 02:53:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FAG!
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-12-07 02:35:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I assumed that this would be another "Goodbye Uber" post, and I was all ready to drop the two bomb. But then, a cute little ditty about pants emerged.
Well done sir, well done.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-12-07 02:11:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
\o/
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2008-12-07 01:52:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pants.
Submitted by jbomb13 (user info) at 2008-12-07 01:45:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2