The Spirit of Santa (395 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1.67 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by achTUNGBABY (View user info) at 2008-12-13 09:29:34 EST
You don't need me to tell you that Christmas long ago lost its traditional value. Mankind's been soldiering forth, waking from myth, subsequently spoiling it, blundering onward and almost unknowingly plundering its own innocence, or maybe finally recognising its predicament.
We've ruined our planet most likely beyond repair unless there's some ecological saving grace we're yet to understand, have wondered why dinosaurs aren't in the bible, the sensible amongst us have pretty much dismissed the pretty fly sky guy, big, fat, economies burn excess wheat to prop themselves up and them squeal like bitches when they need a hand out, long after kids have starved to death elsewhere, and yet we thrill at the prospect of 'tomorrow'.
We make music and movies and paintings that inspire us, and all they really do is distract us from everything else we do, which for the most part appalls us.
When you're a little kid none of this is at the forefront of your 'no sleep 'til naptime' agenda. When *I* was a little kid I just wanted a sandwich for lunch with no fucking beetroot, I asked Mum for it, I asked jesus for it, hell I even asked my dog to make it go away as I tried to feed it down the tubular legs of the kitchen table, but I always got beetroot on my sandwich - or on the floor.
BUT, when I asked Santa for a scalectrix racetrack, or a robot that walked into walls, over, and over, and over again, I got it. All year 'round I would kneel by my bed and ask god for stuff and the next day? sweet fuck all.
but see that wasn't god. It was circumstance or pure blind 'luck'. It's like tsunamis, meteors, the sun finally expiring on itself - not god, just circumstance.
SANTA, delivers. It's only *one* time a year, but he's like a sweet, fucking, swiss timepiece. You might not get what you specifically asked for, but it's usually pretty cool and he's a super busy bitching superstar.
It's 30 degrees where I live at christmas with a hundred percent humidity. I've been bathed in sweat building swingsets, sat until the wee hours building stupidly convoluted racetracks with retarded little decals that you have to get just right, shovelled all the dog poo from the backyard onto the roof just so I could act all put out in the morning and yell at my kids "IF SANTA'S REINDEER DO THAT NEXT YEAR WE'LL LEAVE HIM A SHOVEL AND NOT A BEER - burp." There's a handful of parents here on uber and they'll know what I'm talking about.
It doesn't matter that santa's not real (sorry simon, oath), if you live in a predominantly christian society I GUARANTEE, regardless of whether your parents were giant douches, there was at *least* ONE time, that they hung a stocking or decorated a tree or snuck past you as you slept and left a gift. It might not have been a giant red suited cunt but it *was* santa. Apollo leaving a bag of gold under a pillow, phallic hiding a dong in a word attachment, lungfish clandestinely leaving himself a bottle of whiskey down the back of his old peoples underwear, jack hanging some mistletoe over kitty litter, orphelia leaving her phone number on the john. Phallic might not be a FAT, OLD, LONELY TART but for a brief moment he *was* Santa. One day a year, he can be santa.
And on christmas morning, after those of you amongst us with kids have maybe taken them to church, where they might think jesus is just alright with me, an hour or so later they'll be thinking "Santa, you fucking rock", and "dad I need more batteries for my wii remote."
nobody thinks that about god, or jesus by association after an earthquake. I rest my case. Merry christmas uber. except for all the niggers, jews, and brits.
User Reviews
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-12-13 17:50:23 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2008-12-13 16:40:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I read the first paragraph, which is sufficient grounds for this rating.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2008-12-13 16:33:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You know, this site should really devise an award for unoriginal thoughts pounded out into lumpy paragraphs of poorly concieved condescending drivel. It could be like the Emmy of shit writing, and this would be my pick.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2008-12-13 15:09:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hahahahaha
Dork Below
That's why I love him, aint he just a widdle cutie-cute!
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2008-12-13 14:30:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Hi. I'm SilvrWolf, Captain of Security for mystiamoon. I've been dispatched here to demand you cease hostilities and any further negotiation attempts with my client. If you do not comply, I will be forced to insult your intelligence, posts, genetic viability and/or family members. I will use my debating prowess to destroy your e-ego one sophmoric quip at a time in countless mildly humorous but laboriously long-winded replies. I will eventually win by attrition as your eyeballs fall out from strain. Either way. I win. I think.
Thanks and have a nice day.
--------
As I'm objective and only doing my job, I'm reviewing your post here. While I shared some of the sentiments of your piece, I found it kind of hard to read. I had to re-read a couple of paragraphs. I can't quite put my finger on what it is, though.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2008-12-13 13:25:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-12-13 13:10:00 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2008-12-13 10:46:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
........... .......... .......... ..........
Are you and Rob-Berg in the same think tank?
=========================
Bwahahahahahahahahaaaa!!!
Submitted by Rob23 (user info) at 2008-12-13 13:07:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Boring.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2008-12-13 12:52:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
wow you felt the need to send me that exact same thing in an email too?
Well, you're right, you were out of line and a predictable uber prick.
So you're an alter, eh?...as your letter stated.
WOW SHOCKER!!!!!
I hope your comments in response to my cheerful +2 made you feel like you really fit in even as an alter.
P.s. I'm not your sweet-pea so please refrain from sending me letters addressing me as such.
P.s.s. You should still go fuck your mother.
Submitted by AChtungbaby (user info) at 2008-12-13 11:22:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Quit taking this stuff so seriously. Having said that I was out of line. Sorry. I thought my response was funny and couldn't resist saying mount versuvius but now you've made me feel like a dickhead and have ruined everything. You're the anti-claus - forever. And you've totally destroyed the myth.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2008-12-13 10:52:31 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
says you registered 3 months ago and you're judging me?
go fuck your mother.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2008-12-13 10:46:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It mentions Christmas so ,eat me.
thx for your wonderful declaration regarding the state of my mental health.
I don't even fucking know or remember you.
I give you a positve review, nothing more, and you counter that with idiocy and Method and Brenden??
Jesus Christ that shit was FOUR FOUR FOUR FOUR FOUR years ago.
Stop name dropping and sheep following and get a fucking original thought.
Are you and Rob-Berg in the same think tank?
Submitted by AChtungbaby (user info) at 2008-12-13 10:07:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
anyway merry christmas, you seem...well, more stable now.
make that less 'unstable'.
btw method and/or brendan were possibly naughty bitches but will probably still get a secret santa, but not saved by jesus.
Submitted by AChtungbaby (user info) at 2008-12-13 10:04:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
arrRRRRRGH it's LIKE you don't GET IT MOUNT VERSUVIUS. It's NOT ABOUT CHRISTMAS. Jesus it's like being ben ten but needing to be ben eleven.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2008-12-13 09:53:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Christmas!!!