"Tell them about my Buck's night" (769 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.85 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Dirk Diggler (View user info) at 2008-12-17 21:51:38 EST
I'd known Joel since we were both kids. We'd both learnt the times tables together, we'd both been on the same cricket/soccer and football teams and we both wanted to bone the same girls in high school. We were kind of like peas in a pod, but in a totally normal and non-teen-coming-of-age film kinda way.
Joel had always been pretty lucky with the ladies. He was just blessed with pretty boy looks and what some refer to as "the gift of the gab". He could talk his way out of deathrow if he needed to and could get into the Queen's pants if he felt the need. He was usually pretty unlucky with the sorts of girls he mixed with though and more often than not they ended up splitting just as quickly as they got together and it's safe to say I got my fair share of sloppy seconds. Surprisingly, the thought of traversing the same territory as my best friend's penis just didn't phase me.
About 3 years ago though he met a rather nice girl named Sandra. Sandra was the type of girl who would play Playstation with you one minute, then happily take it in the pooper and guzzle down your cum the next. She enjoyed football games, watching Mythbusters and talking about ninjas and pirates so for Joel it was pretty much a perfect match. And it was perfect. They became friends and shortly after that they started swapping bodily fluids. It was no surprise when they announced they were going to get hitched and being Joel's best friend, the only thing I gave a shit about was going out and getting Joel shitfaced on his buck's night. I had so many friends who had been to Buck's nights and some of the stories I'd heard made me laugh so hard I'd almost started to pee.
Joel spent a short time in the Army reserves and he had rounded up a pretty fun gang of single, alcohol addicted army drinking buddies who were more than eager to come along and make sure we got ourselves into some serious trouble. The night started off pretty simple, going from pub to pub and drinking different beers. We had a short paramount when one of the grunts kept trying to stick a pencil down the barmaids jeans as she walked past, but aside from that it was fairly routine. Eventually we moved on to doing shots and going up to girls and saying the most obscene things we could. They ranged from "I want to shoot a load over your belly" to "I'd eat the corn out of your shit". None of them were remotely successful.
We found the night drawing on and thought it would be time to find somewhere a bit more crowded. We knew the Vinyl Room was just around the corner and we knew that if we hurried we'd beat the crowds. This was incorrect. We found ourselves at a line longer than my memory cares to remember but at the front of the queue was a group of girls who looked like backup dancers from an Usher music video. I had a healthy dose of alcohol in my system and therefore my courage and confidence was peaking. So I approached the girls, nice and polite...
"Hey, girls. Having a good night?"
The usual mumurs and grunts. They were pretty hot, I wondered why no one else had made a move.
"Hey, it's my mates Buck's Party tonight, you reckon we could jump in with you guys?"
They looked around, discussing this amongst themselves. It was at this point that I started to get a funny feeling in my stomach and a little voice in my head, but I couldn't understand it. The voice was speaking too fast and in jibberish so I shook it off and brought myself back to reality.
"Sure, as long as you buy us all a round of drinks"
"No problem" I quipped back and motioned over to the guys who trodded over like a bunch of apes and started congregating around which ever girl they most wanted to fuck. We outnumbered them by 3, but at least we weren't like the other soft cocks who would probably be spending the next hour in the fucking queue.
We get inside and the place is absolutely jam packed. I see a girl on a podium with no panties shaking her cunt at a sleazy Italian guy who looks totally juiced up, A thin Asian dude is dancing like he's wired to a power line and a chick at the bar surrounded by twenty different men who each look like they'd have names like Ferrari or Dino. We make our way to the bar and after what seemed like an eternity finally manage to get them their drinks. One of the girls in the group approaches me, a blonde.
"Hey, you're cute"
"Thanks."
"You got a girlfriend?"
"No, do you?"
She laughs. Stupid fucking joke. I emotionally smack my head on the bar over and over. Suddenly, I get that strange feeling again. I think it's the alcohol. That last shot of tequila put me over the edge. At this point she pulls me into her face and starts kissing me. My dick goes hard as a rock and she starts rubbing it. I'm speechless.
"Want to dance?"
We make our way onto the crowded dance floor and she starts rubbing against me. I take a glance at her face. Her hair is really shiny and looks like it's been chemically altered more often than Michael Jackson. Her nose is kind of big and she wears way too much makeup, but I'd still gladly pound away at her until I lost consciousness.
I look over to my friends to see them howling with laughter. I'm confused. Are they jealous? Am I dancing like an idiot again? Memories come flooding back from the Year 5 dance when I tried to spin around on my back like a ninja turtle but knocked the table over and smashed the schools expensive CD player. We keep this up for a little while until she leads me into a corner and we start making out. I polish off the rest of my bourbon and lean back in the leather couch as she starts rubbing my cock.
"Do you like me? Am I sexy?"
"Sure."
"You want to fuck me in the ass?"
I look over to Joel, who is deep in conversation with a group of Japanese girls who look like they lost their tour bus. The feeling in my stomach comes back and the little voice starts shouting so loud it gives me a headache. I look down in my lap to see my fully erect cock in her hands as she strokes it. I don't care if anyone sees.
"Sure." I reply. She leans in and we start making out again. I reach over and rub her thigh. It's soft and warm. My hand slowly glides upwards stopping when I reach her panties. I'd read all these guides on the internet on how to make a women have an orgasm just by playing with the clitoris. I was fairly confident I'd be able to do it even though the odds were against me. She holds my hand to stop me, but I persist. I reach around and pull them down and in I go...to find myself holding a semi flaccid dick.
There is no way I can express the shock. I thought I was going to die, I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I started to think I was going to wake up any moment and sigh it off as a bad dream. But there it was: an uncircumcised cock in my hands. It looked like a slug with a sun tan. I looked up and down again. From the face to the cock in disbelief. I couldn't even form a sentence. She looked at me with a smirk. I wondered if I should punch her in the face, the boobs or, well, the cock. I didn't know what to do. The worst part was, I was still hard. I tried to act upset and put my cock away, but it was as hard as granite. I couldn't fit it back into my jeans, but I had to get away. I stood up and tried to get back to my friends.
I made it about 3 metres before a bouncer literally picked me up off the ground. He looked like Lou Ferrigno and smelt like stale cologne. People started staring at me, pointing at my modestly sized dick in shock. By this time, Joel and his marine buddies had noticed and were in hysterics. I looked back to see if "she" was still there but she'd vanished. Had I imagined it all? Had someone slipped some sort of tranny inducing hallucinogenic into my drink at some point? Was it a dick or just a really fat pussy? It was pretty dark in that corner, it could have just been massive beef curtains. I didn't know!
It didn't matter. Within seconds I found myself outside the club with sore arms, a head ache, a swelling dick and a long walk home.
I didn't see Joel until the wedding after that night. Joel and Sandra got married and now they've expanded their sessions of playing video games and bonking from a couple a days a week to full time. I never saw the other marine guys again and I had always hoped Joel was too drunk to remember but I guess he hadn't forgotten about it because everytime we go out and meet new people, Joel will always say "Hey, tell them about my Buck's night".
User Reviews
Submitted by SunnyG (user info) at 2008-12-19 23:47:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
solid hahaha
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2008-12-18 20:34:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fart!
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2008-12-18 13:18:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But back to the bitches I'm peepin
and then untie the hoe, so I can start creepin
Took her to the backroom, about to jack
Cold trailed the bitch, with a gun in the back
I said: "Lay down, and unbutton your bra!"
There was the biggest titties that a nigga ever saw
I said: "Damn", then the air got thinner
Only thought in my mind, was goin' up in her
The suspense was makin' me sick
She took her panties down and the bitch had a dick!
I said: "Damn", dropped the gat from my hand
(What I thought was a bitch, was nothing but a man)
Put the gat to his legs, all the way up his skirt
because this is one faggot that I had to hurt, so
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-12-18 13:11:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2008-12-18 12:17:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Happens to the best of us, friend.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-12-18 11:33:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-12-17 22:07:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I remember when a "tranny" was the multi-geared car part between the engine and the driveshaft. I suspect that the change in meaning of the word has a lot to do with the popularity of front wheel drive. Front wheel drive is, as all car guys know, like buttsex: Some people hate it, some people put up with it, and some people really like it, but no matter what it ain't what God intended.
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yer showing yer age, here.
nowadays aren't all these things electronic fluid couplings?
a front wheel drive burnout looks awful silly.
Submitted by Sidivan (user info) at 2008-12-18 11:22:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
..must... pay... attention... to brain... not enough blood flow.. blargh!
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-12-18 06:01:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You should at least have let 'her' wank you off on her tits.
Submitted by YellowDragon (user info) at 2008-12-18 01:31:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lol "slug with a sun tan"
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-12-18 00:48:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i KNEW this would be about trannies
Submitted by HotDogma (user info) at 2008-12-17 22:45:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Tranny inducing hallucinogenic" - GOLD!
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-12-17 22:17:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-12-17 22:07:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
quite amusing
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-12-17 22:07:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I remember when a "tranny" was the multi-geared car part between the engine and the driveshaft. I suspect that the change in meaning of the word has a lot to do with the popularity of front wheel drive. Front wheel drive is, as all car guys know, like buttsex: Some people hate it, some people put up with it, and some people really like it, but no matter what it ain't what God intended.