Them's Fightin' words! (The Magic Black Man Knows No Fear) (1702 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.9 on 55 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG (View user info) at 2008-12-23 07:12:20 EST
Ah, yes. Christmas spirit. That's what it comes down to at this time of year. Christmas spirit and fighting, apparently.
I'm not a violent person. I lack the hardened knuckles and testosterone levels that make a full blown street dust-up fun for all people to enjoy. Hence, I try to avoid confrontation at any level when the majority of the population are looking to 'kick some gobby cunt for shit, innit'.
But I do like a drink.
So much so, that I was kindly escorted from one of my main beverage establishments by three burly gentlemen in tuxedos, who very kindly laid down a mattress of spittle for me to land on when they tossed me on to the cold stone pavement. Security staff are very kind like that, these days.
The battery on my mobile phone had died long before the evening had got started, so I was presented with the challenge of finding a new bar that would serve me drinks in a hospitable manner.
Walkabout? - Fuck, no.
Yates's? - Apparently, the blood on my top said I wasn't welcome.
I gave up hope of finding somewhere that would ply me with more alcoholic deliciousness and began the long trek home.
That's when I heard the beat.
A rhythmic beat, pounding away beneath the noise of the late night traffic and fireworks from the nearby park.
That sounds like somewhere I belong. Somewhere I can be myself, and not have to worry about tension and politics and bullshit.
I approached the venue and gave the bouncer a 'safe, man' headshake, before being seized by the shoulder.
"Da fuck you'se doing 'ere boi?"
"Just wanna drink, you know how it is."
"Well best'a fuckin' luck to ya..."
I ignored the bouncer's words and headed down the steps into a large basement arena. A crowded bar was at the far end of the room, so I made a bee-line.
Drink, drink, gimme some drink to drink!
After a brief bout of pushing and shoving, I had the barmaid's attention.
"Uh, gimme a whiskey, no ice."
She handed over my drink with a look that resembled hatred. "You don' belong here, ghost boy."
I took the glass of amber liquid, and retreated to random table. It wasn't long before some friends came to join me.
"'Fuck you doin 'ere, white boy?"
I sensed hostility in his voice, and judged that compatibility would be my best option. What I meant to say was 'I'm, just chilling, don't want no hassle, just wanna sit here and enjoy the vibe'.
But, what came out of my mouth was:
"Your stupid sister sucks cock in Hell and Texas, so deal with it, cunt face."
I don't know to this day what happened next, but my big mouth had invoked some demons. Demons that don't like words like 'Hell' and 'cunt' and 'Texas'.
My new friend had begun to jab my chest with hardened fingertips and was ranting away in voodoo chants.
"IMA KEEL YOO, MA'FUKKA, IMA KEEL YOO!"
That's the point when shit went down.
I stared in disbelief, as the magic man before me split in two. He morphed into two complete separate entities.
I now stood before two angry magicians, both of whom were chanting about a very painful death on my behalf. I responded as diplomatically as possible.
"Well, I fucked both your mammas, and it appears you got nothing from my nuts."
What I meant to say was:
"I appreciate your frivolent response, and respect your actions."
But the magicians didn't hear that. All they heard was "Well, I fucked both your mammas, and it appears you got nothing from my nuts."
Strange.
Why didn't they listen to me when I said "Sorry chaps, let's start again".
Whoops, I didn't say that. Faux pas on my part.
The magic black men seethed with rage and split again. And again and again. I was now surrounded by sixteen angry coloured fellows. And for some reason, they were all shouting at me.
I just wanted a drink, a simple drink, and no other bar would let me in.....
A large, dark hand clasped around my shoulder, and a rough voice grumbled in my ear.
"Get the fuck, white boy. You wanna drink in here, then you at least buy the ladies a drink firs', y'know."
Ladies?
"I aint got no problem with that. But would you at least let the cattle in before the bulls arrive?"
Fuck....since when did they stop people like me coming around these parts?
I'm still alive this morning. That's gotta count for something.
User Reviews
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-02-03 16:04:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by iambetteratit (user info) at 2009-01-01 16:32:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
quit yer bitchin' I got my leave in Amsterdam cut short because of the fucking israelies and palistinians.. i suppose it wasnt to bad of an Idea though, I spent 2,000 euro in about a week.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2009-01-01 14:42:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-12-29 14:54:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-12-29 19:30:00 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
yes, yes.
We are definitely going for a drink in the new year when I can get my arse in gear
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Drinking is my favouritest thing.
Ever.
Whereabouts are ya?
I'm in Swindon, which is the arse crack of Wiltshire. But we have trains and everything.
I say 'everything', but that really only means homeless people and smack heads.
We have loads of those.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2008-12-29 14:30:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes, yes.
We are definitely going for a drink in the new year when I can get my arse in gear.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-12-29 14:29:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-12-29 09:18:08 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe Joey G is currently begging for eskimo eggs down by the thames wearing nothing but a pair of antlers.
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THEY ARE NOT ANTLERS, THEY ARE HORNS.
Know the difference.
Horns rule.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-12-29 14:24:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beeltea (View user info) at 2008-12-29 02:43:58 GMT
Rating: 2 (#)
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-12-29 06:57:56 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey JoeyG, if you still want to write a poem for THUPA, I could put you up against Sacrilicious for the open spot in the bracket of round three. That is if you and Saccy are interested. The deadline would be tomorrow, and ratings would end on the 30th like all other round two entries. Let me know if you're interested.
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What time tomorrow? It's 19:20 here right now, I gotsta go to work tomorrow but will be home by 17:00 GMT. Like the sad, lonely alcoholic that I am, I will have ample time to knock together some tripe that may pass as poetry in a care home.
I'm up for it, jus' gimme some details. Or, just give me a poem that I can post and pass off as my own. Either way is cool.
Peace.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-12-29 04:18:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I believe Joey G is currently begging for eskimo eggs down by the thames wearing nothing but a pair of antlers.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-12-29 01:57:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey JoeyG, if you still want to write a poem for THUPA, I could put you up against Sacrilicious for the open spot in the bracket of round three. That is if you and Saccy are interested. The deadline would be tomorrow, and ratings would end on the 30th like all other round two entries. Let me know if you're interested.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-12-24 12:39:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now THAT sounds like a clazzy establishment.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-12-24 06:39:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Aaaaaaand...I'm outta here.
Merry Xmas, one and all!
Submitted by jared.melton (user info) at 2008-12-24 04:22:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-12-24 04:17:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-12-24 09:11:46 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wouldn't call it work when we've already broken out the buck's fizz.
There are definite advantages of working with a bunch of alcoholics
Supposed to be here til 1.00pm, but judging by the state my manager is already in, I'll be out of here by 11.....
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Ahhh Christmas in England, drinking at 8 in the morning and bolloxed by quarter past nine.
God save the Queen.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-12-24 04:11:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-12-24 08:56:31 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't quite imagine we would be eating turkey and pulling crackers tomorrow but yes the new year sounds fine.
I take it you are at work too!! 12 pm finish?
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I wouldn't call it work when we've already broken out the buck's fizz.
There are definite advantages of working with a bunch of alcoholics
Supposed to be here til 1.00pm, but judging by the state my manager is already in, I'll be out of here by 11.....
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-12-24 03:56:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't quite imagine we would be eating turkey and pulling crackers tomorrow but yes the new year sounds fine.
I take it you are at work too!! 12 pm finish?
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-12-24 03:53:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm doing the family thing over xmas, but the new year holds potential for meetin's and greetin's.
I'm looking forward to it already.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-12-24 03:49:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WAR
HUH
WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR.
Merry Christmas JoeyG.
really really have to meet up.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-12-24 03:11:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-12-23 21:00:25 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
i dunno, you guys had some pretty hot, busty, slutty teenagers wandering around in stilettos. england must have really interesting statutory rape laws considering meeting someone at a bar isn't mostly indicative that they're at least 20.
-----------------------
SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS THIRTEEN, GODDAMITT.
Shit, I didn't mean to say that bit.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-12-23 23:23:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brill.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-12-23 16:00:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i dunno, you guys had some pretty hot, busty, slutty teenagers wandering around in stilettos. england must have really interesting statutory rape laws considering meeting someone at a bar isn't mostly indicative that they're at least 20.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-12-23 15:49:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-12-23 20:40:46 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
well then stay in england (tha's where you are right?) you guys apparently have the largest natural breast size average in either the world or the western world and you do it without fried chicken and jack in the box.
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Yes, I'm English, but the largest breast size rule only seems applicable when I get a delivery from KFC.
And I'm talking BATTERED.
There are websites full of vigilantes that would have me for lunch at such a statement.
Troof.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-12-23 15:42:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ooh and sonic. man a cherry limeade woudl totally hit the spot right now.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-12-23 15:40:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well then stay in england (tha's where you are right?) you guys apparently have the largest natural breast size average in either the world or the western world and you do it without fried chicken and jack in the box.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-12-23 15:18:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-12-23 20:14:45 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
what are you willing to sacrifice for sizism?
------------
My original Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon LP.
Although it is slightly scratched.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-12-23 15:14:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well the tits are bigger in dallas. but that's really on because the general size of the people is bigger in dallas.
what are you willing to sacrifice for sizism?
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-12-23 15:14:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Word of advice.
If a random chinese man asks you for a peppermint, don't give him a humbug.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-12-23 15:08:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-12-23 19:47:40 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
everything is sadly not bigger in texas :(
-------------------
It isn't? Fuck, that means there's no point in my planned New Year excursion to Dallas :(
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2008-12-23 15:07:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haaahahaha....mumblesnort
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-12-23 14:47:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-12-23 13:50:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-12-23 18:45:40 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-12-23 08:11:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Your stupid sister sucks cock in Hell and Texas"
The addition of Texas is what really puts this insult over the line.
You are lucky to be alive today.
-------------------
I added Texas as a compliment. If I were a hooker, then I'd be gagging to suck some Texan cock. But I'm not a hooker, so I'll stick to blowing bums on the express line through Idaho.
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everything is sadly not bigger in texas :(
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-12-23 14:36:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-12-23 13:50:46 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-12-23 18:45:40 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-12-23 08:11:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Your stupid sister sucks cock in Hell and Texas"
The addition of Texas is what really puts this insult over the line.
You are lucky to be alive today.
-------------------
I added Texas as a compliment. If I were a hooker, then I'd be gagging to suck some Texan cock. But I'm not a hooker, so I'll stick to blowing bums on the express line through Idaho.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-12-23 13:46:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, I didn't read this... yet.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2008-12-23 13:45:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-12-23 08:11:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Your stupid sister sucks cock in Hell and Texas"
The addition of Texas is what really puts this insult over the line.
You are lucky to be alive today.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-12-23 13:12:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oooh I'm just waiting 'till the shine wears off...
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2008-12-23 12:44:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
get yourself a good babysitter.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2008-12-23 12:40:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-12-23 10:46:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2008-12-23 15:43:58 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
As long as WE still get to fuck, I'm cool.
-----------
No probs, but it's my turn to wear the nurse's costume this time.
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2008-12-23 10:43:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As long as WE still get to fuck, I'm cool.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-12-23 09:53:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-12-23 14:52:14 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
well seeing your at work at a school, it makes you very bad
----
I'm Bad, I'm Bad
SHAMON!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-12-23 09:52:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well seeing your at work at a school, it makes you very bad
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-12-23 09:48:11 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-12-23 14:44:43 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
i got called Rodney Trotter at Secondary school :(
-------------------
That thought makes me feel hard.
In fact, I don't think there is anything that doesn't make me feel hard.
Even felt-tip pens when they squeak against the paper - that noise makes me hard.
Penguins. I'm hard over penguins right now. I mean, who wouldn't be?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-12-23 09:44:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i got called Rodney Trotter at Secondary school :(
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-12-23 09:39:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-12-23 14:35:33 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rodney Rude always made me chuckle
------------
And Rodney Trotter always makes you hard.
DON'T DENY IT.
We've all been there.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-12-23 09:35:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rodney Rude always made me chuckle
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-12-23 09:33:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-12-23 09:16:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-12-23 14:11:10 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you australian?
The "black people" in this story sound like abo's. Which are actually caucasian.
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I'm English. At least I was when I last checked.
But your comment about abo's reminded me of Kevin 'bloody' Wilson.
Niiiii-gelllllll-eeeeee-lllll
Fuckin' legend.
--------------------------------
Ah, I can picture people talking like that with English accents.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2008-12-23 09:25:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
racist motherfuckers.
=)
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-12-23 09:16:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-12-23 14:11:10 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you australian?
The "black people" in this story sound like abo's. Which are actually caucasian.
-------------------
I'm English. At least I was when I last checked.
But your comment about abo's reminded me of Kevin 'bloody' Wilson.
Niiiii-gelllllll-eeeeee-lllll
Fuckin' legend.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2008-12-23 09:11:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you australian?
The "black people" in this story sound like abo's. Which are actually caucasian.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-12-23 08:27:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-12-23 13:25:01 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
you suck monkey penis
-------------
You say that like it's a bad thing.
If I was elected to be mayor of the universe, the one policy that would ensure my win would be 'more monkey penis sucking for everyone'.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-12-23 08:25:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you suck monkey penis!
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-12-23 08:16:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-12-23 13:11:57 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Your stupid sister sucks cock in Hell and Texas"
The addition of Texas is what really puts this insult over the line.
You are lucky to be alive today.
------------
'Texas' appeared to substitute 'hassle'. Dubya would string me up.... if he could be bothered.
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2008-12-23 08:14:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"roll em up"
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2008-12-23 08:11:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Your stupid sister sucks cock in Hell and Texas"
The addition of Texas is what really puts this insult over the line.
You are lucky to be alive today.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-12-23 07:44:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-12-23 07:39:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm still alive this morning. That's gotta count for something."
Yes but there's still some bad ju-ju headin' your way. Just thought you should know.