THUPA Round 2: Orpheus (495 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryLabels: THUPA
Rating: 1.18 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Captain Thorns (View user info) at 2008-12-23 13:30:54 EST
O, sweet Eurydice, forever lost,
Succumbed to serpents' bites upon your heel,
To Hades, I shall make one last appeal,
A final means, a mode I must exhaust.
As I petitioned, Pluto's eyes were glossed,
Transfixed upon my lyre's song surreal,
With one soft note, your death he did repeal,
A resurrection at a single cost.
"Do not look back", the unseen one declared,
"Or she shall disappear a final time."
He disappeared into the underworld,
And, stepping forward, we embarked, prepared.
Upon the brink, I made the final climb,
And turned to find you lost, my plan unfurled.
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O, Thracians, men of merry nature, ye,
Who beckon that I join in drink and song,
Amnestics to forget her who is gone,
Red wine and food, Bacchantes dance for thee.
In spritely fashion and much jubilee,
Your gentle words coercing me along,
Yet I remain unfaltering and strong,
Still loyal to my dead Eurydice.
Though tempted by your orgies of the night,
I shall resist your sweet Maenadic gift,
And not bow down to your Dionysus
For I revere Apollo, god of light.
My head, now flowing down the Hebrus, swift,
Yes, I am Orpheus, the first sodomite.
User Reviews
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-12-28 16:57:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if i must
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-12-28 15:19:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
VOTE, BITCHES!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-12-23 18:54:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus Henry Aloysius Mahoney Jumped Up On A Chariot Christ!!!!!
Apparently no one here can understand real poetry. .. . ..
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2008-12-23 17:11:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Okay that's cool CT.
Look I like the poem, because I like the story. But I guess my issue is two fold:
1. Rhyming is hard, and doesn't feel natural here.
2. There is nothing new. You didn't tell us anything cool, the 'twist' at the end wasn't really presented as such.
That said, your language is flowery and beautiful. Also your hair looks nice in that light.
What?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-12-23 16:41:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Some of the semi-educated would call Shakespeare awkward and forced.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-12-23 16:13:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-12-23 14:27:29 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
I still don't think you'll do well however, since I don't know how many people will recognize "Thracians,""Eurycide (sp?)", or anything else mentioned about the greek mythos. I like to think I'm fairly well versed in classical mythology, but I'm not familiar with the "E" name, so I'll have to pull out one of my volumes tonight and research it.
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Oh, I'm sure FJ will win this match-up, unless Uber surprises me.
And I've got your Eurydice research right here, or at least a bastardized version of it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orpheus
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-12-23 16:09:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sico, HV - yes, I meant a-b-b-a in my review. I typed that out in a hurry, and I had an alternate version in Elizabethan sonnet form, which does use a-b-a-b. My bad.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-12-23 16:09:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Too serious.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-12-23 15:56:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And if I die before I wake, make me into a Succubus.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-12-23 15:27:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this, but I'm not sure if it's because it makes me feel smarter, or if it seems well structured and appeals to my OCD.
I still don't think you'll do well however, since I don't know how many people will recognize "Thracians,""Eurycide (sp?)", or anything else mentioned about the greek mythos. I like to think I'm fairly well versed in classical mythology, but I'm not familiar with the "E" name, so I'll have to pull out one of my volumes tonight and research it.
Just kidding. I'm going home and wrapping presents for my wife.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2008-12-23 15:06:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-12-23 14:33:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ghola - fair enough, but any constructive criticism to accompany thou opinion?
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If you are going to write poetry with a strict form, it shouldn't sound awkward and forced.
I'm sorry I didn't elaborate before. I hate it when people do that.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-12-23 15:01:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2008-12-23 14:55:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I give you props for the source material, and for being in the competition. For (ages ago) Thupa was the only Ubersite writing competition I could not do worth a damn. I know it is hard.
I know you said your rhyme scheme was a-b-a-b but in the beginning it is defintely a-b-b-a and then it switchs up. I kind of feel like you should have not rhymed at all.
But big ups to my boy C to the T.
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2008-12-23 14:45:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this but reading your first comment it seems as though the rhyme scheme is a-b-b-a and not a-b-a-b.
Man, i mother fuck the god damn dash button because I initially typed mostly zeroes.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-12-23 14:33:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ghola - fair enough, but any constructive criticism to accompany thou opinion?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-12-23 14:10:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another one for dropping my name in the review.
But if I'm the Muse that sits upon your shoulder, you're going to need surgery in short order.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2008-12-23 13:42:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I found this to be quite likeable indeed. I've read it three times, and round these here parts, one can't hope for anything more.
Good stuff.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2008-12-23 13:41:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I found plenty to like about this. . . .
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2008-12-23 13:34:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
i can't find anything to like about this.
i like you though. as much as one internet person might like another.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-12-23 13:31:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
R2 hub: http://www.ubersite.com/m/120344
Thank you, Skrapmetal, for the inspiration. I was suffering severe writer's block until I saw this:
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Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-12-22 09:29:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I suspect that the only way CT is beating this is if he sets it to music and sings it. Time to bust out the lyre.
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For the sonnetically uneducated, I'm using the Italian (petrarchan) sonnet form. Rhyme scheme a-b-a-b a-b-a-b c-d-e-c d-e, ten syllable lines.
A bit more imposing on grammar and word choice limitations than I typically care for, but considering my worthy opponent's entry...