Weirdos, Miscreants and Deviant Assholes, The Lot of Us (1162 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 1.66 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SilvrWolf (View user info) at 2009-01-03 04:22:32 EST
Living in the mountains of southwest Virginia for most of my life has given me the chance to some of the most... colorful people. I grew up in a county with two universities which provided a blending of cultures rarely found in such a rural setting. I still know a few of these strange furriners and can say that fewer still do I call my friends. Yet the majority of the people here are still ignorant, rebel flag-hugging racists. Hey, whatever you like, man; I'm so white it's my last name, so I'm all good.
I went to a high school with only one black person and of course, we called him Token... and Chocolate Thunder (that kid was fucking QUICK! I guess he had to be)... and Nigger (well, that one wasn't me). He took it all in stride, too. I actually admired him. In true heroic fashion, he overcame the odds by getting great grades, graduating high up in his class, getting a college degree, robbing a convenience store and is now serving 16 years. Damn it! I liked Token, too.
I had one fight in the entire time I was in high school. I beat the ever-loving shit out of this dude named Gary Barker, a real winner. He subsequently quit school, four years later got hooked up with two of our less savory former students, kidnapped and murdered Alex DeFilippis and is currently serving 56 years for his part in the crimes. When I ran into him at a job I had about a year after I graduated, he said I was the reason he dropped out. He said he'd left his previous school because of getting mule-stomped by some retarded kid and then he got his face split open by me less than six months later. I told him he should start off with girls or toddlers and work his way up. Aim low, you know? I don't think he found the humor in it.
The last three years of my life, however, have given new meaning to "people are strange". I moved from Montgomery County even further into the boonies and took up residence in New Castle. If there is a demographical center of the universe for... uh, quirky people, it has to be here. Let me take you on a journey and introduce you to the queerest of the queer.
The first local I met was my current girlfriend, The Freak. The Freak is utterly psychotic, sexually deviant and has one of the most dysfunctional families I've ever had the displeasure of knowing. On the psycho side, she'll be a mega-uber-hyper-bitch to me even when I agree with everything she's bitching about. On the freaky side, she prowls the local grocery store for young women to bring home to us. She's like a lioness of the ménage à trois; I sit on my ass and she brings home the meat. She also won't say no to any sick, twisted sexual ideas I may come up with. Damn, I love that girl!
The second local I had the pleasure of meeting was Cletus T. That's right. Cletus fucking T. I shit you not. I made him show me his license because I thought he was lying. This dude is nuts, but hard-working, harder-partying and funny as hell. While talking to one of the local deputies, I was regaled with a tale of a rookie cop getting a call to pick up Cletus, who was riding up and down Main Street naked on a minibike. Cletus is 6'1" and around 235, by the way. I had my own Main Street adventure with him, too. I towed him in his John Boat through the middle of town during a heavy snowfall. He decided to stand up, raise his open beer high in the air and "WOOOOOOO!" at the first set of headlights he saw: the aforementioned deputy on patrol. While he was arguing that his boat was legally registered and therefore he should be allowed to cruise around town in it, his passenger and I loaded the boat on top of my Blazer. When I heard, "You're not taking me to jail, either, Bubbie," I grabbed Cletus and guided him into the vehicle. Yeah, the cop's name is Bubbie, but I like my freedom so I have no stories involving him.
Then I met Izzy. Izzy's a Puerto Rican former carnie from Connecticut. This dark-skinned dynamic dude has managed to become an accepted local in a county that less than a decade ago had "Niggers Stay Out!" spray-painted on the welcome sign to the county. I know he's not technically a black man, but you're dealing with a strange mind-set when it comes to the local racists. Izzy ended up in New Castle on a drunk pill-bender one night and hasn't left since. He also happens to be one of the coolest people I've ever met and I'm proud to have him on my short list of true friends.
For dishonorable mentions...
We have Durty, the local sleazy rider who managed to sleep with 32 people before she dropped out of school. Keep in mind that this town only has a little over 500 residents and has never had more than 400 students at the county's high school. When I asked her if she just liked sex that much, she said it was because she just couldn't say "no" more than five times to any given guy. Persistence pays off, indeed.
John, the dumbass extraordinaire who, despite snitching on everyone he ever saw doing anything illegal, is STILL managing to serve two years on violation of probation. This is probably because it's safer for him on the inside.
There's my friend C, who once mulled for half an hour over buying a two-dollar purse at Goodwill that had a dried-up turd in it. She also has the worst luck of anyone I've ever known. As an aside, her sister is married to a Middle Eastern man who just happens without fail to travel back to western Asia right before something shitty happens there. He's currently in [SURPRISE!] Gaza. He also worked the terminal at Dulles on Sept. 11, 2001. <just stirring speculation and suspicion, sir>
There are the Fishers, a third generation inbred family who cruise around town on riding lawn mowers; one with a rebel flag license plate wired to the front grill. I once saw one riding mower towing another mower in a dump trailer on the back with no less than five Fishers riding along. I nearly wrecked I was laughing so hard.
All in all, there are a lot of good, country people here who make me proud to be a part of this community. About the rest of them, I could write a novel because as some of you know, there are no secrets in a small town.
Gotta go. Cletus just came by and asked if I wanted to snort some heroin and spray paint the rocket at the high school. I don't care for the heroin, but I'm all for defacing the symbol of the school who used to stomp our ass on the football field year after year. Since now they've decided to become major pussies and have gone 1-23 in the last three years, maybe this will light a fire under their asses, err, rocket.
Come visit us; I promise you'll be terribly disappointed.
User Reviews
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2009-01-05 17:49:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
She's a very kinky girl
The kind you don't take home to mother
She will never let your spirits down
Once you get her off the street, ow girl
She likes the boys in the band
She says that I'm her all-time favorite
When I make my move to her room it's the right time
She's never hard to please
That girl is pretty wild now
The girl's a super freak
The kind of girl you read about
In new-wave magazine
That girl is pretty kinky
The girl's a super freak
I really love to taste her
Every time we meet
She's all right, she's all right
That girl's all right with me, yeah
She's a super freak, super freak
She's super-freaky, yow
Super freak, super freak
She's a very special girl
The kind of girl you want to know
From her head down to her toenails
Down to her feet, yeah
And she'll wait for me at backstage with her girlfriends
In a limousine
Going back in Chinatown
Three's not a crowd to her, she says
"Room 714, I'll be waiting"
When I get there she's got incense, wine and candles
It's such a freaky scene
Temptations sing!
Ohhhhh
Super freak, super freak
That girl's a super freak
Ohhhhh
She's a very kinky girl
The kind you don't take home to mother
She will never let your spirits down
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2009-01-05 17:39:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2009-01-05 13:20:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Country folk. Good people.
Submitted by Sidivan (user info) at 2009-01-05 12:53:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I dated freak. I'll work on a post about her...
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2009-01-05 12:33:38 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I wish I could thank you for your caricature synopsis on each of your friends/acquaintances but I'm sure that if I gave you the run down for mine it'd be met with equal share of not caring.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2009-01-05 04:37:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Freak sounds like my kind of girl, can I "borrow" her sometime?
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2009-01-04 21:15:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well good luck with all that
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2009-01-04 20:54:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Your lucky if you can get a good operational 50cal for less than 7 grand now.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-01-04 20:20:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, I know that area reeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaallly well. Lots o' skanks, skeezers, skinks, scamps and scalliwags in those parts.
My 18 year old cousin is considering going to school at Radford. I told him about their distinction of having the highest STD rate of any school in the state, he claims it's dropped to second since my time though.
I also got my tattoo done in the area by an ex biker gang member/white supremacist who grew up with my father in our hometown. He ran a tattoo parlor/piercing/gun shop, and his guns were serious shit too.
One year for New Years he brought out a .50 cal (the type they mount to armoured vehicles and shit it's so big.), which I don't even want to know how he got.
That was an awesome New Years, and the first time I got drunk, at the tender age of 7, on 2 beers.
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-01-04 04:03:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funniest thing I have read since "Beer Drinkin Funeral"!
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2009-01-04 03:53:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
back in the day, this was like a normal day at work
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2009-01-03 16:32:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hahhahahaha
i thought it didn't let me review so i came back because i'm sweet like that
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-01-03 16:28:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahaha! I really do wanna go hiking and fishing...I miss Central/SW VA so much. I gotta get a fishing pole and my fishing license though.
High--I'm about to get that. :)
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2009-01-03 16:26:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
experima, you were the first review on this post, honey.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2009-01-03 16:13:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is the third time i've tried to rate this
uber won't let me :(
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-01-03 15:59:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-01-03 15:09:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow, love redneck world.
Girl I work with has just named her unborn baby Cletus the Foetus.
===========
Too bad she misspelled fetus.
:D
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-01-03 15:09:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow, love redneck world.
Girl I work with has just named her unborn baby Cletus the Foetus.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2009-01-03 14:07:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No problem, Bubba. Uncle Clabe says <drool>.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2009-01-03 14:05:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Circe, I couldn't wait for you forever; righty was chafed and lefty was getting all uppity and talking some nonsense about commitment. Now, should the Dutchman have an unfortunate smelting accident, I'll encase the Freak in concrete and we can display her in our Super Happy Boom Boom Room.
Doodles, peanut butter or not, I'm NOT licking your taint until you wash it and this is the last time I'm gonna discuss it with you.
sage, where is this alleged high ho you speak of? I've been dry for weeks. When are you coming down here so I can take you to the mountain top? You decide what that really means...
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-01-03 13:41:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for the update on my relatives.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-01-03 13:07:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi ho, Silvr!
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2009-01-03 13:01:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comments
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-01-03 12:46:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sounds like a swell place to be.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-01-03 10:07:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this wasn't that great.
you're still a homosexual.
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-01-03 09:14:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this wasnt great, but compared to the other posts out there right now....
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2009-01-03 08:23:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2009-01-03 07:12:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're only with the Freak because I'm unavailable, right?
Right?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2009-01-03 07:12:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're only with the Freak because I'm unavailable, right?
Right?
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-01-03 06:11:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ummm... wow.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-01-03 05:58:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
RACIST!
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2009-01-03 05:04:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment